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OfflineMiRrOr
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Registered: 05/09/04
Posts: 83
Loc: Everywhere and Nowhere
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
detailed, long, beautiful poem that took me 10 days to perfect....titled "The Letter D"
    #5033734 - 12/08/05 11:32 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

hello all...been a while since i posted anything at all...
just a little quick background on this if u will...

for starters, its a bit long, but i'm sure most of u can handle its length...i started writing it on thanksgiving nite, and it took me 10 days to piece it all together...

it may at 1st glance seem like a horribly NEGATIVE piece of writing....but the goal here is to see the light at the end of the tunnel here...

as it starts, u might be inclined to sort of "write it off" and say oh this is gonna be corny or whack.....but please just give it a chance and read it all the way through...

even tho i shouldnt mention this, basically this entire "poem" is sort of "rooted" by words beginning with the letter D...as u will see most of the lines end in words that start with D...

and u'll notice the rhyme scheme changes thruout the poem...it starts off rather simply, then breaks off later on...



lastly, i'd appreciate any feedback AT ALL...whether u think it was good or u think it is flat out boring and blows.....hell, if u can come up with your own line for it, please let me know....all and any feedback is not only welcomed, but encouraged......peace all, and enjoy...






The letter ?D? sometimes can seem so Downright Depressing?
It?s the naked truth, like a salad with no Dressing?
This planet was born through a most miraculous conception?
But hidden under the surface is a most terrifying Deception?
Created not by highly concentrated super semen?
But by the intent and seed of a Devious Demon?
We owe two certain individuals our greatest Debt?
For not who they are, but who it is they met?
Together, this Dynamic Duo spent eternity Dreaming?
While the snake lurked in the shadows, scheming?
Not even realizing how easy it would be to Deceive?
Yep, that?s right, Adam and Eve.

Responsible for our fall and our rise?
Responsible for our lives and our Demise?
All from eating some fruit from a tree made of plastic?
It?s hard to believe the outcome would be so Drastic?
They made a huge Decision?
Which, as a result, forever altered the perfect vision?
At 1st glance, the bite may seem beyond malicious?
An apple, so sweet and Delicious?
Filled with the most evil of lies?
But in reality, it was also love in Disguise?
So, not only did it cause suffering, so painful and Distressing?
It also created a most holy blessing?


Sure, you say it?s just some story from the Bible?
But it really did in fact take place?
Stop being so Damn cynical?
I sure as fuck aren?t, even though I was named after the Disciple?
The one they Deemed the Doubter?
But that?s just not the case?
It?s not my fault I can hear their voices growing louder?
You cannot see the look in my face?
You cannot see that earth is nothing more than a tumor in space?
I can?t help if I see the potential of humanity?s pinnacle?
I can?t help if I envision a world of pure peace?
A world cluttered with love, not sickness and Disease?
A world not blinded in ignorance and condemned to Decease?
Instead, we wallow in this Disgrace?
Instead, we watch hope do nothing but Decrease?
As the planet continues to be stripped, raped, and Depleted...
As humans, animals, insects, and plants continue to become consistently Deleted...

Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?
Raining from the heavens like falling Debris?
A shower of ominous Disasters?
Sent to us by the council of ascended masters?
A barrage of ferocious rain Drops?
Scream to the ground?
But they aren?t here to feed the crops?
Bringing instead, great floods of torrential water?
Cleansing the chaos and corruption?
Breeding mass Disorder?
Among the horribly pristine Destruction?

There?s yet another sound?
I can hear shrieks from all around?
Receiving warnings from those who have Drowned?
Their message so urgent and Dire?
Echoing in my skull like the high notes of a choir?
Burning my ear drums with waves of fire?
Goodness and compassion have Diminished?
Our chance to turn it all around is all but finished?
So insane, so Demented?
There?s no way this all could have been prevented?


The Divinity?
Of infinity?
Created Divine?
But on our Decline?
Our world ? soon to be Destroyed...
Pass through nothing ? the void?
Where all is nothing and nothing is Dark?
Embrace this godlike state, on the journey embark?
It?s actually a necessary stepping stone of ascensions?
To other, known and unknown, Dimensions?
Where I see twirling and Dancing Devils?
Showing me and sending me to a vast amount of Different levels?


My gaze?
Forever sustained?
So vacant and distorted...
Wondering when and if i'll ever be justly rewarded...
In a Daze?
Confused I remained?
My heart may seem empty and Desolate?
But it?s filled with hopes ? all meaningful, some Desperate?
In my life, I may have sinned?
But I?m still just as fuckin Determined?
And above all, my will shall never be Drained?

It?s the end of the circle ? It?s December?
The time not to forget, rather, the time to remember?
All the little things that make you laugh and smile?
So break free from the cage of Denial?
And forever realize and understand, although this world is viscous and vile?
This life is a glorious gift and more than worthwhile?

I know I?m not crazy?
When I say I?ve looked into those 2 sparkling Diamonds?
The eyes of my un-born Daughter?
Her hair is brighter than the color of a brand new Daisy?
Her pupils Dilated to the size of a quarter?
Which puts me at ease when I wonder about my current Direction?
I?ll continue to follow the only path I know how, and that is,
?perfection?

The perfection of Destiny?
There?s no way to Delay?
That ever imminent Day?
When oblivion claims your breath?
Not to sound so gloom?
But I can feel the impending Doom?
That lingers and largely looms?
The only things that bloom?
Are flowers?
And Death.


--------------------
"i don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows....i can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes....cinnamon, and sugary, and softly spoken lies, ya never know just how ya look in other peoples eyes"

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OfflineJacquesCousteau
Being.
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Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
Re: detailed, long, beautiful poem that took me 10 days to perfect....titled "The Letter D" [Re: MiRrOr]
    #5037942 - 12/09/05 06:24 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Hey, try to understand that everything I'm saying below is constructive criticism. Try not to take it personally. I know you've invested yourself heavily in this piece, but try to remember that my comments are instructional and not meant to offend. :smile:

Now then...

I hate to give negative review to something that someone put so much work into, but I found the whole thing nearly unreadable.

The rhyme schemes are too simplistic at the beginning for my tastes... it might work as a rap or something, but it feels corny in poem.

Then the rhyme formats randomly change, which is a no-no as far as keeping the reader engaged is concerned.

Further, there's simply way too much variation of form. You've got a different number of lines in almost every stanza, (I counted... it goes: 12, 12, 17, 11, 10, 12, 11, 6, 8, 10) and the variation of line length is so severe that I can't find any rhythmic balance at all.

--

Appealing to the human senses through any form of art is a delicate balancing act between variation (something new) and repetition (something farmiliar)... it seems your rhymes have too little variation and too much repetition, while your structures and formatting have too much variation and not enough repetition.

Also: Speak like yoda for the sake of making rhymes work one should not. :smile:

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OfflineX24
pornstar
 User Gallery

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 378
Last seen: 16 years, 5 months
Re: detailed, long, beautiful poem that took me 10 days to perfect....titled "The Letter D" [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #5038076 - 12/09/05 07:39 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

ya what he said^^^^
it sounds like crowley on crank found god.


--------------------
X II IV

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