I don't know if I should put this here or not but since some of you seem to like my writing, I thought I'd add this. I apologize is this bores you or if this isn't good.
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A horrible night, a bad Ecstasy trip, and a return from the edge is prompting me to write this. I don't really know where this will go but I need to get this down on paper.
I felt many things for the first time last night that I haven't felt in an extremely long time. Last night was a night of shock, fear, disconnection, betrayal and discomfort for me. Completely out of control drunk and high tearing across the city. Avoiding cars and ditches by mere inches. Strange yet knowing stares from strangers. Mainly an overwhelming since of terror consumed me.
I've been so disconnected and in control of myself for so long that such extreme currents were such an unpleasant shock and a absolute mind and spirit rape that for most of the evening I was unable to speak or do anything but throw cigarettes at people and mumble a couple of words. I've lived life for so long in extremes with the personal motto of "I don't really give a fuck". I've pushed hard against the bounds of reality hoping reality would push back. I've performed every sin and was avenged with and by disinterest and non-existence. I've come to the conclusions that there is no limits in this world. There is no eternal truths, there is no rules, there is no walls, there just is and there just is not. The only limits, the only barriers in our perceptions and consciousness seems to be within our own spirits, minds, and souls. I've been so out of control in action and approach now for so long and there has been no consequences or some sort of cosmic retaliation except for the weight of burden of experience I carry on my heart and mind. Is there anything that is real? Is there such a thing as truth?
If this is all some illusions, an accident of nature and chemicals going off in the brain than what is our purpose here? Are we meant to only seek happiness and pleasure. Is that our only reward in this ride? If that's the case, why are we structured in such a way both individually and within society that those two experiences are so difficult to attain? I also don't think happiness and pleasure is all it's cracked up to be. I've experienced all manner of human emotion. From hate to happiness to fear and even though I won't admit it in person I have experienced intense love. However, each of these emotions pass so quickly like some fizzled out drug trip that are they even real? And since I'm on the subject of drugs, if we can simulate emotions, heighten emotions, and determine how we feel by taking a substance, what should stop us from doing that? If I'm right and there's nothing real in this existence than why shouldn't I be allowed to determine how I feel and how I perceive the world by taking this substance or that? And why are some substances encouraged and others strongly discouraged? In society we can look anyway we want, we can shave out heads, tattoo our bodies, wear any manner of clothes we want. However in society why can we not feel or perceive any way we want? I suppose to be in public you have to wear pants, so are drugs some kind of mental nakedness? If that's the case does that mean I cannot be naked in my own home, and I cannot feel or perceive the way I want? I'm very fucking confused about this.
The human experience sucks. We are always in conflict within ourselves wanting what we cannot have and banging our head against the wall trying to force thoughts or perceptions we want into our heads and thoughts and perceptions we do not want out. Why are we in so bitter a conflict over unimportant things?
All I know is I've put twenty years in on this ride, I'll probably put in twenty more. In that time I've seen nothing but vacant and lost faces looking back at me. I've seen lost con man trying to lead the sheep for merely the price of a down payment on a new toy. I've seen fear and hurt in the souls of those around me. And I'm sick of it.
Maybe that's why I've been so disconnected and as one friend puts it "eccentric and erratic" is that I'm trying to keep my head above the water of this cosmic comedy. I avoid pain, I avoid conflict, I avoid love, I avoid connection, I avoid the bad, I avoid the good. I've looked down on many men for cowardice and for lies. I've always prided myself on courage and truth, the two things that all of my life I believed to be the two finest qualities a man could have. However, I think I may be one of the biggest cowards and one of the biggest liars. I don't think I believe what comes out of my mouth, I don't think I believe what comes out of my hands. I preach confidence, perseverance, and good humor as the three things to help us all survive but I don't know if it does any good. In my experience I've never looked like anyone else, I've never thought like anyone else, and I've never communicated like anyone else. I do not know if there's any value behind anything I say. I only speak because I feel it's expected of me and I have no fear of letting what's on my mind out. For this, people listen and people give me attention and recognition... two things I loathe. The greatest feeling I have ever known is looking deeply into someone eyes in the middle of a conversation and being locked with them in fantastic connection. The scariest feeling I have ever known is a room full of people expecting me to be funny or put on a show. People I do not know coming up to me and talking to me like they know me. I just want to be anonymous and normal but I don't think I'll ever be either. Again lusting over what we cannot have.
Another thing? if everything we say is a reference to an idea. If every idea is a reference to a previous idea. Then there can?t be anything new can there? So we?re just recreating and spoofing off of the same original idea. That bothers me since I?m a huge fan of art and creativity of humanity but if it?s all been done, then what?s the point to re-do it? Each thought leads to the next in some sort of chain. Every action has a reaction so does that open the door to fate? Because if each thought leads to the next, if each action leads to the next, then we don?t really have any independent will or control. We?re just kind of conscious of this ride we?re on. We?re on a roller coaster.
In the end, the main thing that is going through my mind right now is anxiety. I stand in the middle of nowhere not sure where to go. I'm twenty years old. I'm a man. I've accomplished very much in this life so far. However, I do not know where to go from here. I feel fate pushing me over the cliff with the crowd of destiny chanting "Jump! Jump! Jump!" but for the first time in my life I feel apprehension. Any other time in my life I would've ran screaming over the hill yelling "CANNONBALL BITCHES!" on the way down but now I do not know. I have a strong sense that nothing is real, that there is no limit, yet I still have this strong urge pushing me forward. I never gave a fuck especially about life or death but it seems to matter. I fear and I hesitate for the first times in my life and for this I question myself. I'm reaching for the next rung but until I grab a hold of it, I guess I'll just end this now.
To steal a line from a band I dislike "I guess this is growing up"
If you actually read all that, I'm fucking shocked.
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My god... it's full of stars...
Edited by PhatWhitey420 (11/27/05 07:11 PM)
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