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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
I don't have priorities.
    #4964596 - 11/21/05 03:22 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

I sit around on the internet all day if I don't have pressing engagements (homework .... school, etc...) ...

and so... my apartment is an absolute mess. I mean, maybe even to the point of approaching a health hazard (in terms of dishes that have been sitting in the sink forever mainly......) and.... I know I "should" clean it.

But why? The only valid reasons I think of are "it will make me feel better and reflect a cleaner state of mind" and "it will encourage health"

But I don't have the motivation or "drive" to do it.

And so I "know" that I should be meditating...... I should do tai chi.... and I think "later" and I stay on the internet. Then the time finally rolls around to do meditation and I think "well, tai chi is meditation, let's just do that" so I start to do the form and I just .... have this understanding..... that I am not going to do tai chi..... I go through the form once and stop.

I know that I could dedicate myself to tai chi, meditation, MUSIC, anything..... but I don't do it. I don't have the motivation in me to say, look.... let's sit down and do something, and do it until it takes us to a higher realm of conscious existence......

Ironically I really only seem to be motivated to do tai chi, meditate, etc.... if I'm HIGH. If I smoke some weed. It's not like I'm sitting around all apathetic and mopey.... it's just like... I don't have priorities.

I don't know why I should be meditating... I want to expand my mind, and meditation has clearly helped me.... but I don't have a spark to push me into it. I want to make some expansive music.... but I generally don't. It's like...... someone who was conditioned.... they would have a heirarchy of needs something like:
1) religious practice
2) studying
3) cleaning
4) recreation / wasting time

but me.... my priorities don't seem to have any hierarchy to them. I'm "content" staying on the internet until it's time to go to sleep....... but then sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I will buckle down and meditate..... and sometimes I will even god forbid CLEAN [i never do it enough or maintain a state of sanitation]... and sometimes..... I'll have the spark to make music and really enjoy it.

But.... right now I don't. And I'm ambivalent on how to feel about it. I feel like I should meditate, clean, socialize [and since having a drunken nightmare i decided, fuck it just go talk to this girl... so i talked to her], exercise [but i'm kind of sick] .... etc.

But I don't do it. I don't feel guilt. I'm not sure if I feel anything.

I could blame it on the weed...... when I'm high I can pay attention to things very easily, set out clear goals, etc... but I feel kind of stupid too... like though marijuana gives me extra cognitive resources to work with, it slows them down and there are cogs in the framework.... or clogs in the pipes, or whatever metaphor you have to say that though it's helping, it's also kind of hindering. My wiring isn't so great I guess.

But when I'm not high my mind wanders incessantly and I can't focus on lectures.... I think about drugs so much... when I go for a walk I might be in a never ending dialogue against imaginary people trying to explain to them why drugs should be legalized...... etc.

It's only when I'm high that my mind quiets down, focuses, clears up... etc. Weed doesn't make your brain foggy.... not being on weed makes your brain foggy.

But it can't be affecting me this much! Why? Because last week I smoked maybe 3 times total, and only small quantities....... I don't even feel like getting high usually.... and I know I need to moderate it.

So I moderate it, and that's fine. But what has happened to me? Have I broken so much social conditioning that I'm content to sit on the computer all day? Is there anything wrong with sitting on the computer all day?

Is there any spirituality to reach through meditation, or is it just a cheap high? But it's a form of dedication and exploration? Right?

I can meditate for so long if I go to a dharma talk.... I sit there for 30 minutes and it doesn't even feel long enough. But good luck sitting HERE at MY APARTMENT for 30 minutes.

and during yoga, often times I feel renewed, and great... my mind still wanders... sometimes about drugs I guess.... but I still get great benefits.

and in tai chi class I can sit there and do the form until I raise my chi up to my heart (not intentionally) and I feel way too tweaked out and need to let it settle down again... and I can be rather "selfless" during that.... and do the form for long stretches of time.

But the apartment. No. It's a degenerate hellhole.... it sucks my soul away. But I don't mind. and maybe it doesn't. I mean... it just seems that since I'm not willing to maintain cleanliness in it..... it's sort of a reflection of my "base state" or something.

I don't know.

I want advice/help or something but .... I'm just all confused but not really.

Also it's like I'm becoming "right brained" or autistic or something...... like.... I'll have this song in my head... and then it changes to another song that sounds similar, and then that triggers a childhood memory of me getting Jafar's cobra staff for my birthday and subsequently going to see Aladdin for the first time. [real life example from today ----> over here is where i started a new train of thought present to the current moment when I was typing, but was not related to the real life example ----> ]And thinking of this triggers memories of how vivid that flying carpet scene seemed back then, as it was state of the art computer animation at the time. and then this triggers a memory of me watching the disney channel when they were making Aladdin (before it came out) and they showed the clip where genie comes out of the lamp and says that he can't bring people back from the dead and turns into a zombie.

and then the memories stop and i'm back to go to my first point... to say that I need to elaborate that the 2nd song that triggered this flow of events was the Aladdin song, so that what you are reading will make sense.

You see, I have this flow... I know how to maintain the flow.... I can go into the "schism" between .... brains... between hemispheres, and bring forth an uncensored flow of ideas to better express myself.... but .... if I DONT' do it... then I start sounding all dyslexic...... and often times the associations.... the roaming associations like with the Aladdin example... they make it hard to pay attention in class.... something the teacher says will spark this sort of train of thought right, and then I'm like "i'm not paying attention" so i try to gather up all the words she said while I wasn't paying attention and put them together.

This is because of weed. I don't know if it's good or bad. It's good because it helps so much..... it's like... liberating your thought processes to utillize them to their full potential, but it's bad because i'm REWIRING MY BRAIN and I don't have any real knowledge of how to master this, how to have the most efficient brain where I'm just constantly in this marijuana like state, while sober... to where I CAN PAY ATTENTION if I want to... I CAN MEDITATE IF I WANT TO without a groggy brain.... I dunno.

It's flow. Flow. Flow. But the thing is I can't necessarily control it... like if I'm wanting to pay attention, flow hurts me instead of helps me.... but if I'm wanting to write, like I'm doing right now just free writing... flow helps me so much. And if I want to make music it probably helps...... but if I'm trying to calm my mind down it'll just go on anti-anti-drug tangents, etc.

I don't have ADD. I'm not hyper. I'm sedentary. Maybe you can have ADD while being sedentary though, but it's nothing I want to medicate.... I can't see how amphetamines would help here..... if anything I should just medicate with weed, but I don't want to be reliant on it.

So.... does this strike any bells? I'm trying to freewrite not because there's one thing in paritcular I want to say, but because then you get to see my thought processes ripped from my head onto text, so maybe someone can go 'HEY I'M LIKE THAT'

end transmission.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (11/21/05 03:33 PM)

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InvisibleTien
人民英雄
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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 03/30/05
Posts: 2,382
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4965552 - 11/21/05 07:24 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

IMO...religion is not a good first priority

Pluto

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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4965574 - 11/21/05 07:34 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Spoiled! Lost in the matrix!

You can lose your whole life in a state like you're in.  :grin: Many, many people do. Or it's opposite. :grin:

You need to become a warrior. Out to the wilderness with you to take the big dose alone. Night time is the right time. You need to blast yourself out of your smug robot behavior. You need to take the medicine over and over until you can stand on your own.  :rofl2:

Let me know how it goes. :heart: :mushroom2:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Offlinesignoffate
Only Human
Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 17 years, 1 month
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4965929 - 11/21/05 09:21 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Peace

Be Still.

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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Icelander]
    #4965985 - 11/21/05 09:29 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Icelander said:
Spoiled! Lost in the matrix!

You can lose your whole life in a state like you're in.  :grin: Many, many people do. Or it's opposite. :grin:

You need to become a warrior. Out to the wilderness with you to take the big dose alone. Night time is the right time. You need to blast yourself out of your smug robot behavior. You need to take the medicine over and over until you can stand on your own.  :rofl2:

Let me know how it goes. :heart: :mushroom2:



Hmm yes at some point I should have a journey like that...... but I am journeying through the dream world until then, encountering odd things and tripping out sometimes......

But see, we're all robotic, even when the mind is clear and not defiled, you still have your physiology..... my problem is I grasp at the limitations of mankind, and myself, but don't know what to do from here.

I don't have access to "doses" and I don't really have a good spot in nature to go out in.... I'd very much like to have that sort of experience with a close friend, though my close friends do not trip.

I recently had a drunken experience where a message was relayed to me that I am not to do acid alone, and that there is someone that will hook me up and do it with me.....that I may do mushrooms alone...  however..... but that I shouldn't do either, and that acid alone would be very dangerous for me.

Unfortunately this message came through a friend who doesn't seem to understand LSD [he kept saying I could die... maybe he meant from freaking out and hurting myself?], but its a message all the same, and it was viewed as very ominous by me at the time... so I should take heed.

I don't really feel like I need to trip.... I kind of feel a calling to do low doses of LSA..... but mainly... I don't know.

I don't feel anything in particular, other than that I just need to flow for a while.... with whatever is happening. Hm.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4966697 - 11/22/05 12:24 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Take the time to read your last post to me. You are all over the place.

Now read my signature.
And unmoor'd souls may drift on stranger tides than those men know of, and be overthrown by winds that would not even stir a hair.


Be carefull out there in your mind.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Icelander]
    #4966735 - 11/22/05 12:34 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

well i don't think im all over there..... you were suggesting i go out and trip, and i felt that i needed to elaborate on some pertinent psychedelic related events that are going on right now.

are you attempting to say that i'm overthinking?


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4966872 - 11/22/05 01:37 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

No I'm saying you are contradicting statements from one paragraph to the next. I should trip, I don't need to trip. etc.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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OfflineMcdoopy
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Registered: 10/24/05
Posts: 3,296
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Icelander]
    #4967049 - 11/22/05 04:25 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

:mushroom2: is good...

I fell ya' tho...

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Offlinekotik
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Mcdoopy]
    #4971676 - 11/23/05 06:57 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

sounds like you have become a prisoner in your own home.

although it sounds pointless to you, having a clean environment is not just good for sanitation, but it is good for you mentally.. why? because you dont look at the dishes and think "oh great, another thing for me to do."

I would suggest you take a whole day to clean your apartment, then say fuck it, and move some stuff around. Make the place you have come to hate look totally different, get some indoor plants, hang up a new picture, etc.

Again, it may seem pointless and just wasting idle time, when you wake up to a new setting, it could certainly help you into a new state of mind.

as far as motivation goes.. heh good luck.. let me know if you find the secret.


--------------------
No statements made in any post or message by myself should be construed to mean that I am now, or have ever been, participating in or considering participation in any activities in violation of any local, state, or federal laws. All posts are works of fiction.

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OfflineEnCHaNTeDHoBBiT
Drug Connoisseur

Registered: 09/15/03
Posts: 337
Loc: Crawling on The Forest Fl...
Last seen: 9 years, 5 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: kotik]
    #4978893 - 11/25/05 01:57 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Years can pass and you can never get them back. Motivation in life can be hard to come by. I spent quite a few years struggling just like you. I had no job, no hobbies(except drugs), few friends and absolutely no ambition. You have to find that one thing that motivates you and you have to force yourself to do it at first and then it won't be long you'll have your drive back and things will begin to flow for you again. Honestly, I spent far too many years this way and I regret it all, more than anything in my life. You gotta get up and make yourself get involved, start something new. Clean your house really well once and keep things picked up so they won't get so bad anymore, you will appreciate yourself even more if you do. Good Luck with your journey!


--------------------
"Statements above are absolutely fictional fragments of delusional, reoccuring Dreams."

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Offlinekotik
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: EnCHaNTeDHoBBiT]
    #4979258 - 11/25/05 06:04 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

^^^ so what did you change? What was the one thing that motivated you? Just curious...


--------------------
No statements made in any post or message by myself should be construed to mean that I am now, or have ever been, participating in or considering participation in any activities in violation of any local, state, or federal laws. All posts are works of fiction.

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OfflineEnCHaNTeDHoBBiT
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: kotik]
    #4985420 - 11/27/05 02:21 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Well for one, I finally got a job that I liked and was good at. I mean all my life I wanted more. I really never had the cash to further my education past a couple years of college from a scholarship. I spent the years in college following the wrong path so when I finished school I had to get a real job and start at the bottom like everyone else.

Well that just wasn't good enough, I wanted a job I enjoyed. So I just quit the low paying jobs and lived at home with my parents again. This is where my nothingness began. I just dragged around all day, hopeless, with absolutely no drive to push me into anything. I went on like this for to long. Just constantly wanting to get high/drunk and not wanting or needing anything else. It drove me absolutely nuts. So I went out and searched for something I liked to do.

It took forever but I finally found something I've always wanted and since then my ambition, confidence and whole life in general has hit an all time high. I got my own place again and felt good about myself. For me, finding a great career is the single most important thing that happened to dig me out of that deteriorating rut.

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Offlineheadset
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: EnCHaNTeDHoBBiT]
    #4985435 - 11/27/05 02:44 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

EnCHaNTeDHoBBiT said:


It took forever but I finally found something I've always wanted and since then my ambition, confidence and whole life in general has hit an all time high. I got my own place again and felt good about myself. For me, finding a great career is the single most important thing that happened to dig me out of that deteriorating rut.




its sad thats what life is.

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InvisibleSimisu
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4985610 - 11/27/05 06:15 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

yup you sound alot like me... it's like seing duble i think?
you make sense of something but you also understand why it should not make sense once looked upon from a diffrent prespective?

so thoughts keep revolving around them selves and no answer is apparent!
no fear
we must stick to the question and hit it at it's root!

(don't ask me what's the question... i don't know)


--------------------
:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
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      :sun: Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum :sun:


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Offlineheadset
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Simisu]
    #4985860 - 11/27/05 10:16 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

the question is: Is the facade worth these feelings of alienation and anti-pride?

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OfflineEnCHaNTeDHoBBiT
Drug Connoisseur

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Posts: 337
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: headset]
    #4986676 - 11/27/05 03:02 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Nope, definitely not man. My real dream is to own my own land, grow my own food(and other things) and live simply and purely on this land. Maybe one day this will come true and I will never have some big-headed asshole controlling my days so that I can afford to live. It sucks but for now it's all I have.

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OfflineNosferatuMan
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Registered: 07/05/04
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: EnCHaNTeDHoBBiT]
    #4986981 - 11/27/05 04:43 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Do acid in your apartment, then fucking clean it. It's kinda fun, at least I think so.

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Offlinemushiemountain
i am the sacredone
Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 1,616
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: NosferatuMan]
    #4989392 - 11/28/05 11:51 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

nah, clean your apartment and then drop the acid in your brand new apartment.


--------------------
I Ain't No Fool. Mama Didn't Raise No Fool.
----------primussucks

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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: mushiemountain]
    #4989833 - 11/28/05 02:22 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

NosferatuMan said:
Do acid in your apartment, then fucking clean it. It's kinda fun, at least I think so.



i don't have any hookups that trust my mental stability enough to come through.... or that even know basic facts about acid. (i.e. "it can kill you") that's another story, but I think I told the story in here in the first place.

but yeah i'm cleaning it right now........ man i can't believe this .... i left dishes in the dishwasher for literally months.... so fuck it i just turned it on and hopefully when it gets done cleaning they will be clean enough to salvage.

i don't even see why i have dishes though :/ i rarely eat here.

it seems like i need another person in my life to sort of "force" me to do things..... i've been dependant on my parents to do all this work for me for years, and they've controlled so much of my life....so now that i'm on my own i just say fuck it, i don't feel like cleaning.... etc... etc...... also, "fuck it i don't feel like studying " which generally works out okay.... but.....


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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OfflineNosferatuMan
Stranger
Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 527
Last seen: 18 years, 10 days
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4990582 - 11/28/05 04:52 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Heh, last guy I talked to about acid claimed it drains your spinal fluid...haha. It's a sad state of affairs when the majority of dealers are idiots pushing drugs they know nothing about. But if that's the case with your hookups there's probably a big chance it may not even be real anyways...

My new apartment will probably resemble yours in about a weeks time. =)

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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: NosferatuMan]
    #4990741 - 11/28/05 05:21 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

man take advantage of a fresh apartment and keep it nice.......

anyway i mean, this is just AFOAF type hookup thing, he said "i can get it" and he said who from, but this guy himself doesn't seem knowledgable about psychedelics..... but the guy he mentioned seemed a little sketchy to me, he seems like he might trip but I dunno if he's the kind of person I'd want to trip with.

(i want to trip with straight out peaceful and gentle hippies)


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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InvisibleVirgilKane
Miner for truth and delusion
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Registered: 05/17/05
Posts: 1,131
Loc: lowdown
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4991153 - 11/28/05 06:27 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

(i want to trip with straight out peaceful and gentle hippies)




:thumbup:


--------------------
Absense of evidence is not evidence of absense...

"Religion is a defense against a religious experience"
              Carl G. Jung

 
"So really, ordinary reality is a kind of chemical habit, sanctioned by culture, which says it's okay to use certain drugs, eat certain foods, and have certain sexual behaviors. However, when you transcend all this pre-conditioning by returning to the original wisdom of the animal body, then you discover this immense dimension of opportunity. For some people, it is a frightening risk. To me, that's the psychedelic experience."
Terence McKenna

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OfflineIdiot
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: VirgilKane]
    #4992253 - 11/28/05 10:13 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Note: This post may be difficult to understand because of its randomness

i feel the same way, but also people expect things of me, but they never tell me what it is, or maybe - I - expect it and subconsciously make myself believe that its what other people want.

I'm still a young'n in the drug scene, mainly weed, and i just started experimenting with salvia. i have this underlying urge to not drink alcohol, i believe it stems from my dads drinking problem (the way he drinks is that he'll go through an entire bottle of vodka and then sit alone sulking for an entire night and do absolutely nothing). i took his way of drinking and inverted it, i do not drink what so ever (unless I'm sick of a friend asking me to), and go out as often as i can to try to make new friendships and what not. using this life style i ended up with a close nit group of friends (about 20 altogether), and i never make anymore, and we have a few people that enter and depart this group regularly. i, by nature, am not a social person i cant start or carry a conversation, i have no want to know anything about anyone, nor do i have anyone who wants to know about me, and i do not like talking about myself, and the only people i would feel comfortable telling about myself don't want to know. i know that when all is said and done its me who commands the parts of my body to do what they do, but i still feel like a puppet. a discarded puppet. a puppet without a puppeteer.

i'm in my first year of college, i live at home, and don't have a job. right now im responding to this thread instead of writing an English paper that is a week late. i try to attend classes but im not a morning person so i don't go to them, and i seem to think that morning ends at 3:00 PM. im 19 and need a job but don't know where to work or what i would like to work as at the moment, but i do have two carriers planed. one as an architect, or one as a game designer. i would like to move out but i dont have the money or a steady job (as mentioned), nor do i know where to look for a place to live. i dont spend money unless its on weed gas or food. my school and leisure schedules conflict and i dont want to leave school for my friends but i dont think i could go to school without friends. i could get some new "school" friends but that would mean pretty much leaving my regular friends, whom are all dropouts or....law breakers. i am non confrontational but i hang out with people that are confrontational. i would like to hang out with people that like to sit back chill and hang out, go to more than one place when they go out, go to beautiful places. i have a complete different thought process than everyone but yet everyone thinks the same as me (doesnt make sense, huh?). i think that all my feelings are original, but i know that everything im going through has happened before, in some way.

as far as drugs go, like i said earlier, i only smoke weed. like the thread starter i believe im more clear headed when im high. i cant stop rambling thoughts when im sober. i notice minor things and think about how it could "butterfly effect" through both the physical and mental worlds(when im sober). when im high, im normal, i dont have a thought process, i just do, and do well.

i cant remember anything, or at least i think so. when other people speak about past events it seems like their revisiting it. when i try to revisit the past i see nothing. am i over exposed to TVs way of remembering? where you tilt you head to the side and your vision blurs to a different realm where you can relive the past. is it that no one actually sees what their remembering, their just combining words to explain the past, like me?

i dont know where im going with this post, i could go on and on but i figure ill stop now.


--------------------

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Idiot]
    #4992368 - 11/28/05 10:58 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

thanks for the response
Quote:

Idiot said:
Note:
i seem to think that morning ends at 3:00 PM.




me too.... I get up at 12 something and i'm not usually "awake" until 3 on my lazy days, but then i get tired again quickly.
Quote:


i am non confrontational but i hang out with people that are confrontational.



this is a HUGE problem for me.... I absolutely detest violence and consider the whole "hell yes let's start a fight" mentality abhorrent...... I cannot stand to be around those types of people and yet most of my male friends are those types of people. One has committed very grievous (too grievous to mention if what he has told me is true) felonies and is currently in the ARMY yeah.... you'd think they'd screen people like him out, but nope.... from his words they encourage that type of behavior, he said to me that once things settle down in Iraq, they'll be able to get away with a lot more "stuff" [read between the lines!]... and this isn't his speculation, it's what his commanding officers have told them..... why is he my friend? Well we go way back, before he was like this...... in HS we went through this angsty nu-metal phase, but he never grew out of it and it led him to pursue a life of crime for a while.... then he tried to straighten up (i think) but ended up in the army....

The other guys aren't nearly as bad (and dont' get me wrong i'm safe as hell around this guy, just.... other people aren't.........) but have a "i'll fight if it's provoked" attitude (led to a police encounter while i was unconscious from drinking and had hydrocodones on me, the cops didn't search me thankfully but thought I was pretending to be passed out........ I don't recall any of this) and yeah they're a bad crowd.

Then there is one friend that I'm just not sure about, he doesn't really do anything at all.... kind of like me... and he isn't open at all... kind of like me, except I try to be open to him moreso than he does to me..... I doubt he'd fight but ..... the last party I was at there was almost an altercation with some sketchy guys loitering the parking lot of one of my friends, and this mellow friend pretty much remarked that a fight would have been "fine" with him...... i don't know if he just said it to sound cool, or if he meant that he'd like to watch the army guy go psycho on them..... ermmm.... anyway.....

I need new friends, I don't want to lose these friends, but they aren't safe to be around.

Quote:


i would like to hang out with people that like to sit back chill and hang out, go to more than one place when they go out, go to beautiful places.


Definitely the same.

Quote:


i cant remember anything, or at least i think so. when other people speak about past events it seems like their revisiting it. when i try to revisit the past i see nothing. am i over exposed to TVs way of remembering? where you tilt you head to the side and your vision blurs to a different realm where you can relive the past. is it that no one actually sees what their remembering, their just combining words to explain the past, like me?

i dont know where im going with this post, i could go on and on but i figure ill stop now.



Okay well, I've always been really confused about what it means to "imagine" because I cannot SEE when I imagine (i kind of can now after lots of drug use) .... and people are always like "picture this in your head" and i'm like, wtf do you mean? See if I think of a tree.... I just think the WORD "tree" and maybe might get a generic "image" but I sure don't "see" it.............

I think MOST people are the same way, but there are a good chunk of people that can really truely see a tree if they want to... and that blows my mind. Lucky bastards.....

I think most people just tell long elaborate stories about their memories though without really seeing stuff.... and honeslty if you're smoking weed, I don't get why you don't remember ! I mean, it kills short term memory a bit, but since I started smoking my long term memory has SKYROCKETED just the most ... obscure stuff from childhood will come up to me.

Like .... okay like in my first post I talked about the Jafarr staff I got for my birthday, well I'll try to describe how the memory is constructed... first of all right now I see a glimpse of Aladdin riding on a carpet while trying to think of how to type this, the vision is completely transparent and at no point ever becomes conrete or mixes with reality, however it's "there" all the same... a very odd phenomena that i have no idea how to explain to people (just take my word it's not very vivid at all)....

but then the memory itself, from this point in time as of writing, I can "see" the package that the staff came in, but just as a general blurb.... it was purple (to my recollection) and you know, it had a story written on the back about what Aladdin wished for.... can I remember what it said? No. But from this memory I can tell you that I was sitting in a chair, and I believe I was facing .... towards a certain area of the house, and I can "see" [again NONE of this is vivid] the VERY generaly layout of the house... and kind of place where my parents would be, though I don't remember where they were per se.....

and from here as I'm opening the present (i don't remember opening it but obviously I infer that I did) they warn me not to read the text because I have not yet seen the movie and it would ruin the plot for me.

From here we go see Aladdin. I get a general "readout" of the gist of things, I don't recall what the theater looks like, but I do recall the movie content and the context of "this is the first time i've seen it" .... I quite enjoyed the first few songs...... then.... in the middle of the film, perhaps where Jasmine gets trapped by sand (does this happen? it had a lot of gold coins in it) the movie DIES and they have a maintenance problem... everyone is irked.... and so we have to go see it again another day, but they refunded our tickets.

NOW this segues into a completely new memory of being at a garage sale..... I wanted to buy this swamp thing toy (not necessarily sure about this, it was some kind of toy) and we went to this restaurant.... but we waited for upwards of an hour and never got our food... I think I wanted a grilled cheese..... now this did not necessarily happen on the same day, I think it may have.... but the memories are directly tied like this....

and now reflecting on this takes me to a time when I had this ghostbusters toy that ... was like this monster that had this giant tongue, and if you press on it it clamps its mouth shut on you... and I was playing with this at a restaurant, and this ..... THIS segues into me playing with toys in the car and dropping one out the window.... if I recall my parents actually went back and we found it .... but I'm not sure on this because logically it doesn't at all seem safe to do....

and now this reminds me of sticking my hand out the window and that I thought it was very neat how quickly cars "whir" by .... they are stationary in the distance but the moment they pass you is so quick... and they produce a gust of wind.

-------- okay see this could go on and on.......... it's all from early childhood, less than 8, greater than 4....... and all these memories are directly tied to each other.

Why? Why not... memories have to tie to each other in some way.

So does that help explain how people construct memories? I don't really see this too much... I mean I think of the car memory and I get a "visual" of the old car, again, not vivid, not a hallucination, not intermingled with reality in any way shape or form... but there nonetheless, in our driveway.... and i get the impression of me sticking my hand out the window.... kind of from third person...

but what are the memories made of? I have no idea.... it would be mind boggling to consider just what the essence of memory is and how the memory is "saved".....

hummmmmmm. Free writing is very neat.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (11/28/05 10:59 PM)

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InvisibleSimisu
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Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,435
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4993239 - 11/29/05 07:46 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

yeah free writing is neat indeed...
i was just reading another post i made about climbing trees and des wrote she got 12 stiches last time she went up a tree and WHAME i'm at second/third grade summer vacation at my schools summer camp sitting on a tree and the branch i'm on cracks and i drop to the growned... i can't remember anything about that except there was another kid up there with me and one of the teachers came to help me... i felt ashamed
there's a specific teacher i remember from that summer camp but i can't see a face a name or anything... i just know who she was!
i can also recall some of the feelings/smells about that?

weed does help to bring up old memories... you're simply more concentrated on a single thought (the memory) and you can kinda keep digging if you want...

i don't know if i can say i have a visual memory but just thinking about anything i see it in my minds eye... as soon as i think about anything alse it disappears.
the best i can explain it is the stuff that goes on in the head befor you go to sleep... you can start a train of thought that suddenly gets real... you SEE it and FEEL it... did you ever doze off infront of the TV or something and then had a falling sensetion or just tried walking somewhere and moved the body only to realize it's still on the sopha? that's kinda how it is...

gotta ramble on... sing my song... dodododdoodododododo.....


--------------------
:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Simisu]
    #5036017 - 12/08/05 08:33 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

okay so..... things seem to be better overall... but i just don't care about school!

I tell myself "I should study" but I don't. It's the day before an exam, I looked over stuff for 20 minutes and considered that to be "enough". While true I cannot possibly vividly understand all this material in one night if I tried..... if I
A) payed more attention in school
B) just briefly studied maybe a few days a week to keep the material fresh in my mind and focus on things I don't understand.

.... I would not have these test problems..... but honestly I don't care. I don't care much about Pearson's R... or statistics.... I don't like this class. The teacher is great, the material isn't too hard, and even with the minimal studying I did I should at least get a C on this exam.... but I need a good GPA... I need As, and sometimes Bs.... but do I care? No I really don't.

I mean even in the class I'm in that is interesting and relating to my major... I don't even read the text...... I don't study much either. I do well on the tests though.... but all in all.

I don't know. It stems from a clear lack of vision regarding the future. Do I really want to grow up? NO! Do I want to get a job? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Does a career in psychology pay well? Hell no. Does it require way too much work considering the low pay benefits? Hell yes. But does it interest me? Absolutely. Drugs, Meditation, altereted states, the body, the mind.... mood..... all this stuff.... it's my interest. But...... I just.... rather loathe the schooling process.

My courses aren't particularly hard right now, but what if they eventually become demanding enough to the point that I truely have to stay on top of things? Will I be able to? If I have the will to I suppose. But where is the will hiding?

I worry that I am wasting my time and setting myself up for failure. The more I learn, the more I realize that school isn't that important. Buying things isn't important. Survival is important, sure, but how much do you need to survive? What is important is..... LIVING LIFE.... establishing great relationships with amazing human beings..... mastering ... arts.... martial arts.... meditation... anything. But what's so rewarding about having some prestigious career? The only thing I can think, is that if I pursue my degree... I'm going to have to find a way to use it to make people's lives genuinely better...... use it as a service to mankind. It can't be about the money, all the commercial bullshit.

But....... if it's not about the money, why on earth do you have to work so tremendously hard and jump through so many ridiculous hoops to make it? Fucking GRE..... all this nonsense.....


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (12/08/05 08:36 PM)

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InvisibleVirgilKane
Miner for truth and delusion
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #5036307 - 12/08/05 09:25 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

My courses aren't particularly hard right now, but what if they eventually become demanding enough to the point that I truly have to stay on top of things? Will I be able to? If I have the will to I suppose. But where is the will hiding?




Maybe this is the problem.  You're just bored with the BS basic courses.  When they get more in tune with what you're striving for, they will get harder, but it will pertain directly to what you want to do with your life and you'll get into them because they will intrigue you.

The problem is that you do have to put up with a bunch of bullshit at first to get to where you want to be so that you don't have to put up with it for the rest of your life working for a series of pricks whose Wives, Husbands, kids or whoever make their lives a living Hell and they end up taking it out on you.  It's basically like putting up with the BS in High School to get to College.  But once you're out in the real world, your in control for the most part and don't have to follow any more paths that someone else dictates to you.  Then you can tell everyone to fuck off and still fall back one your degree if that doesn't pan out! :blush:

Hang in there and keep trying to see the big picture.  I have a job I hate because all I did was party in College and now I'm pretty much stuck in it at this stage of my life because of responsibilities and so forth.  Unlike mine, your Bullshit will end when you get out and start helping people with your degree.  Then you'll be saying the same things that I am to someone who feels just like you do right now!  :cool:


--------------------
Absense of evidence is not evidence of absense...

"Religion is a defense against a religious experience"
              Carl G. Jung

 
"So really, ordinary reality is a kind of chemical habit, sanctioned by culture, which says it's okay to use certain drugs, eat certain foods, and have certain sexual behaviors. However, when you transcend all this pre-conditioning by returning to the original wisdom of the animal body, then you discover this immense dimension of opportunity. For some people, it is a frightening risk. To me, that's the psychedelic experience."
Terence McKenna

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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: VirgilKane]
    #5039477 - 12/09/05 01:18 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

hmm. Well I actually think I did real well on those tests for hardly studying....

Hopefully you're right.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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InvisibleSimisu
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Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,435
Loc: Israeli in
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #5045254 - 12/10/05 05:44 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

you remind me of "talking shit about a pretty sunset" by Modest Mouse

Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
and pinpoint where i am
By the time I get things figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that i'll probably reget soon
I've changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself


you gotta trust your self to know whats right for you and what's not
gotta figure out some kind of priorety...
money is a big issue in life and i can't say i'm free of the same worries but i'm hoping that as long as i'm true to my self and follow what's right for me the issue of money will resolve it self in some way (maybe i'm naive but fuck it i rather live then serve this crazy consumer society for no apparent reason!)


--------------------
:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
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      :sun: Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum :sun:


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