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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
I don't have priorities.
    #4964596 - 11/21/05 03:22 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

I sit around on the internet all day if I don't have pressing engagements (homework .... school, etc...) ...

and so... my apartment is an absolute mess. I mean, maybe even to the point of approaching a health hazard (in terms of dishes that have been sitting in the sink forever mainly......) and.... I know I "should" clean it.

But why? The only valid reasons I think of are "it will make me feel better and reflect a cleaner state of mind" and "it will encourage health"

But I don't have the motivation or "drive" to do it.

And so I "know" that I should be meditating...... I should do tai chi.... and I think "later" and I stay on the internet. Then the time finally rolls around to do meditation and I think "well, tai chi is meditation, let's just do that" so I start to do the form and I just .... have this understanding..... that I am not going to do tai chi..... I go through the form once and stop.

I know that I could dedicate myself to tai chi, meditation, MUSIC, anything..... but I don't do it. I don't have the motivation in me to say, look.... let's sit down and do something, and do it until it takes us to a higher realm of conscious existence......

Ironically I really only seem to be motivated to do tai chi, meditate, etc.... if I'm HIGH. If I smoke some weed. It's not like I'm sitting around all apathetic and mopey.... it's just like... I don't have priorities.

I don't know why I should be meditating... I want to expand my mind, and meditation has clearly helped me.... but I don't have a spark to push me into it. I want to make some expansive music.... but I generally don't. It's like...... someone who was conditioned.... they would have a heirarchy of needs something like:
1) religious practice
2) studying
3) cleaning
4) recreation / wasting time

but me.... my priorities don't seem to have any hierarchy to them. I'm "content" staying on the internet until it's time to go to sleep....... but then sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I will buckle down and meditate..... and sometimes I will even god forbid CLEAN [i never do it enough or maintain a state of sanitation]... and sometimes..... I'll have the spark to make music and really enjoy it.

But.... right now I don't. And I'm ambivalent on how to feel about it. I feel like I should meditate, clean, socialize [and since having a drunken nightmare i decided, fuck it just go talk to this girl... so i talked to her], exercise [but i'm kind of sick] .... etc.

But I don't do it. I don't feel guilt. I'm not sure if I feel anything.

I could blame it on the weed...... when I'm high I can pay attention to things very easily, set out clear goals, etc... but I feel kind of stupid too... like though marijuana gives me extra cognitive resources to work with, it slows them down and there are cogs in the framework.... or clogs in the pipes, or whatever metaphor you have to say that though it's helping, it's also kind of hindering. My wiring isn't so great I guess.

But when I'm not high my mind wanders incessantly and I can't focus on lectures.... I think about drugs so much... when I go for a walk I might be in a never ending dialogue against imaginary people trying to explain to them why drugs should be legalized...... etc.

It's only when I'm high that my mind quiets down, focuses, clears up... etc. Weed doesn't make your brain foggy.... not being on weed makes your brain foggy.

But it can't be affecting me this much! Why? Because last week I smoked maybe 3 times total, and only small quantities....... I don't even feel like getting high usually.... and I know I need to moderate it.

So I moderate it, and that's fine. But what has happened to me? Have I broken so much social conditioning that I'm content to sit on the computer all day? Is there anything wrong with sitting on the computer all day?

Is there any spirituality to reach through meditation, or is it just a cheap high? But it's a form of dedication and exploration? Right?

I can meditate for so long if I go to a dharma talk.... I sit there for 30 minutes and it doesn't even feel long enough. But good luck sitting HERE at MY APARTMENT for 30 minutes.

and during yoga, often times I feel renewed, and great... my mind still wanders... sometimes about drugs I guess.... but I still get great benefits.

and in tai chi class I can sit there and do the form until I raise my chi up to my heart (not intentionally) and I feel way too tweaked out and need to let it settle down again... and I can be rather "selfless" during that.... and do the form for long stretches of time.

But the apartment. No. It's a degenerate hellhole.... it sucks my soul away. But I don't mind. and maybe it doesn't. I mean... it just seems that since I'm not willing to maintain cleanliness in it..... it's sort of a reflection of my "base state" or something.

I don't know.

I want advice/help or something but .... I'm just all confused but not really.

Also it's like I'm becoming "right brained" or autistic or something...... like.... I'll have this song in my head... and then it changes to another song that sounds similar, and then that triggers a childhood memory of me getting Jafar's cobra staff for my birthday and subsequently going to see Aladdin for the first time. [real life example from today ----> over here is where i started a new train of thought present to the current moment when I was typing, but was not related to the real life example ----> ]And thinking of this triggers memories of how vivid that flying carpet scene seemed back then, as it was state of the art computer animation at the time. and then this triggers a memory of me watching the disney channel when they were making Aladdin (before it came out) and they showed the clip where genie comes out of the lamp and says that he can't bring people back from the dead and turns into a zombie.

and then the memories stop and i'm back to go to my first point... to say that I need to elaborate that the 2nd song that triggered this flow of events was the Aladdin song, so that what you are reading will make sense.

You see, I have this flow... I know how to maintain the flow.... I can go into the "schism" between .... brains... between hemispheres, and bring forth an uncensored flow of ideas to better express myself.... but .... if I DONT' do it... then I start sounding all dyslexic...... and often times the associations.... the roaming associations like with the Aladdin example... they make it hard to pay attention in class.... something the teacher says will spark this sort of train of thought right, and then I'm like "i'm not paying attention" so i try to gather up all the words she said while I wasn't paying attention and put them together.

This is because of weed. I don't know if it's good or bad. It's good because it helps so much..... it's like... liberating your thought processes to utillize them to their full potential, but it's bad because i'm REWIRING MY BRAIN and I don't have any real knowledge of how to master this, how to have the most efficient brain where I'm just constantly in this marijuana like state, while sober... to where I CAN PAY ATTENTION if I want to... I CAN MEDITATE IF I WANT TO without a groggy brain.... I dunno.

It's flow. Flow. Flow. But the thing is I can't necessarily control it... like if I'm wanting to pay attention, flow hurts me instead of helps me.... but if I'm wanting to write, like I'm doing right now just free writing... flow helps me so much. And if I want to make music it probably helps...... but if I'm trying to calm my mind down it'll just go on anti-anti-drug tangents, etc.

I don't have ADD. I'm not hyper. I'm sedentary. Maybe you can have ADD while being sedentary though, but it's nothing I want to medicate.... I can't see how amphetamines would help here..... if anything I should just medicate with weed, but I don't want to be reliant on it.

So.... does this strike any bells? I'm trying to freewrite not because there's one thing in paritcular I want to say, but because then you get to see my thought processes ripped from my head onto text, so maybe someone can go 'HEY I'M LIKE THAT'

end transmission.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (11/21/05 03:33 PM)

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InvisibleTien
人民英雄
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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 03/30/05
Posts: 2,382
Loc: Canoodia Flag
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4965552 - 11/21/05 07:24 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

IMO...religion is not a good first priority

Pluto

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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4965574 - 11/21/05 07:34 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Spoiled! Lost in the matrix!

You can lose your whole life in a state like you're in.  :grin: Many, many people do. Or it's opposite. :grin:

You need to become a warrior. Out to the wilderness with you to take the big dose alone. Night time is the right time. You need to blast yourself out of your smug robot behavior. You need to take the medicine over and over until you can stand on your own.  :rofl2:

Let me know how it goes. :heart: :mushroom2:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Offlinesignoffate
Only Human
Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 17 years, 1 month
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4965929 - 11/21/05 09:21 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Peace

Be Still.

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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Icelander]
    #4965985 - 11/21/05 09:29 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Icelander said:
Spoiled! Lost in the matrix!

You can lose your whole life in a state like you're in.  :grin: Many, many people do. Or it's opposite. :grin:

You need to become a warrior. Out to the wilderness with you to take the big dose alone. Night time is the right time. You need to blast yourself out of your smug robot behavior. You need to take the medicine over and over until you can stand on your own.  :rofl2:

Let me know how it goes. :heart: :mushroom2:



Hmm yes at some point I should have a journey like that...... but I am journeying through the dream world until then, encountering odd things and tripping out sometimes......

But see, we're all robotic, even when the mind is clear and not defiled, you still have your physiology..... my problem is I grasp at the limitations of mankind, and myself, but don't know what to do from here.

I don't have access to "doses" and I don't really have a good spot in nature to go out in.... I'd very much like to have that sort of experience with a close friend, though my close friends do not trip.

I recently had a drunken experience where a message was relayed to me that I am not to do acid alone, and that there is someone that will hook me up and do it with me.....that I may do mushrooms alone...  however..... but that I shouldn't do either, and that acid alone would be very dangerous for me.

Unfortunately this message came through a friend who doesn't seem to understand LSD [he kept saying I could die... maybe he meant from freaking out and hurting myself?], but its a message all the same, and it was viewed as very ominous by me at the time... so I should take heed.

I don't really feel like I need to trip.... I kind of feel a calling to do low doses of LSA..... but mainly... I don't know.

I don't feel anything in particular, other than that I just need to flow for a while.... with whatever is happening. Hm.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4966697 - 11/22/05 12:24 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Take the time to read your last post to me. You are all over the place.

Now read my signature.
And unmoor'd souls may drift on stranger tides than those men know of, and be overthrown by winds that would not even stir a hair.


Be carefull out there in your mind.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Icelander]
    #4966735 - 11/22/05 12:34 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

well i don't think im all over there..... you were suggesting i go out and trip, and i felt that i needed to elaborate on some pertinent psychedelic related events that are going on right now.

are you attempting to say that i'm overthinking?


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4966872 - 11/22/05 01:37 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

No I'm saying you are contradicting statements from one paragraph to the next. I should trip, I don't need to trip. etc.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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OfflineMcdoopy
Fungus Face
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Registered: 10/24/05
Posts: 3,296
Loc: Varrok Center
Last seen: 7 years, 9 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Icelander]
    #4967049 - 11/22/05 04:25 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

:mushroom2: is good...

I fell ya' tho...

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Offlinekotik
fuckingsuperhero
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Mcdoopy]
    #4971676 - 11/23/05 06:57 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

sounds like you have become a prisoner in your own home.

although it sounds pointless to you, having a clean environment is not just good for sanitation, but it is good for you mentally.. why? because you dont look at the dishes and think "oh great, another thing for me to do."

I would suggest you take a whole day to clean your apartment, then say fuck it, and move some stuff around. Make the place you have come to hate look totally different, get some indoor plants, hang up a new picture, etc.

Again, it may seem pointless and just wasting idle time, when you wake up to a new setting, it could certainly help you into a new state of mind.

as far as motivation goes.. heh good luck.. let me know if you find the secret.


--------------------
No statements made in any post or message by myself should be construed to mean that I am now, or have ever been, participating in or considering participation in any activities in violation of any local, state, or federal laws. All posts are works of fiction.

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OfflineEnCHaNTeDHoBBiT
Drug Connoisseur

Registered: 09/15/03
Posts: 337
Loc: Crawling on The Forest Fl...
Last seen: 9 years, 5 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: kotik]
    #4978893 - 11/25/05 01:57 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Years can pass and you can never get them back. Motivation in life can be hard to come by. I spent quite a few years struggling just like you. I had no job, no hobbies(except drugs), few friends and absolutely no ambition. You have to find that one thing that motivates you and you have to force yourself to do it at first and then it won't be long you'll have your drive back and things will begin to flow for you again. Honestly, I spent far too many years this way and I regret it all, more than anything in my life. You gotta get up and make yourself get involved, start something new. Clean your house really well once and keep things picked up so they won't get so bad anymore, you will appreciate yourself even more if you do. Good Luck with your journey!


--------------------
"Statements above are absolutely fictional fragments of delusional, reoccuring Dreams."

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Offlinekotik
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: EnCHaNTeDHoBBiT]
    #4979258 - 11/25/05 06:04 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

^^^ so what did you change? What was the one thing that motivated you? Just curious...


--------------------
No statements made in any post or message by myself should be construed to mean that I am now, or have ever been, participating in or considering participation in any activities in violation of any local, state, or federal laws. All posts are works of fiction.

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OfflineEnCHaNTeDHoBBiT
Drug Connoisseur

Registered: 09/15/03
Posts: 337
Loc: Crawling on The Forest Fl...
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: kotik]
    #4985420 - 11/27/05 02:21 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Well for one, I finally got a job that I liked and was good at. I mean all my life I wanted more. I really never had the cash to further my education past a couple years of college from a scholarship. I spent the years in college following the wrong path so when I finished school I had to get a real job and start at the bottom like everyone else.

Well that just wasn't good enough, I wanted a job I enjoyed. So I just quit the low paying jobs and lived at home with my parents again. This is where my nothingness began. I just dragged around all day, hopeless, with absolutely no drive to push me into anything. I went on like this for to long. Just constantly wanting to get high/drunk and not wanting or needing anything else. It drove me absolutely nuts. So I went out and searched for something I liked to do.

It took forever but I finally found something I've always wanted and since then my ambition, confidence and whole life in general has hit an all time high. I got my own place again and felt good about myself. For me, finding a great career is the single most important thing that happened to dig me out of that deteriorating rut.

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Offlineheadset
Stranger
Registered: 12/02/04
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Last seen: 18 years, 2 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: EnCHaNTeDHoBBiT]
    #4985435 - 11/27/05 02:44 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

EnCHaNTeDHoBBiT said:


It took forever but I finally found something I've always wanted and since then my ambition, confidence and whole life in general has hit an all time high. I got my own place again and felt good about myself. For me, finding a great career is the single most important thing that happened to dig me out of that deteriorating rut.




its sad thats what life is.

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InvisibleSimisu
taken by gravity
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: leery11]
    #4985610 - 11/27/05 06:15 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

yup you sound alot like me... it's like seing duble i think?
you make sense of something but you also understand why it should not make sense once looked upon from a diffrent prespective?

so thoughts keep revolving around them selves and no answer is apparent!
no fear
we must stick to the question and hit it at it's root!

(don't ask me what's the question... i don't know)


--------------------
:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
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      :sun: Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum :sun:


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Offlineheadset
Stranger
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Posts: 874
Last seen: 18 years, 2 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: Simisu]
    #4985860 - 11/27/05 10:16 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

the question is: Is the facade worth these feelings of alienation and anti-pride?

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OfflineEnCHaNTeDHoBBiT
Drug Connoisseur

Registered: 09/15/03
Posts: 337
Loc: Crawling on The Forest Fl...
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Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: headset]
    #4986676 - 11/27/05 03:02 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Nope, definitely not man. My real dream is to own my own land, grow my own food(and other things) and live simply and purely on this land. Maybe one day this will come true and I will never have some big-headed asshole controlling my days so that I can afford to live. It sucks but for now it's all I have.

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OfflineNosferatuMan
Stranger
Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 527
Last seen: 18 years, 11 days
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: EnCHaNTeDHoBBiT]
    #4986981 - 11/27/05 04:43 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Do acid in your apartment, then fucking clean it. It's kinda fun, at least I think so.

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Offlinemushiemountain
i am the sacredone
Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 1,616
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: NosferatuMan]
    #4989392 - 11/28/05 11:51 AM (18 years, 3 months ago)

nah, clean your apartment and then drop the acid in your brand new apartment.


--------------------
I Ain't No Fool. Mama Didn't Raise No Fool.
----------primussucks

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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/24/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 8 years, 11 months
Re: I don't have priorities. [Re: mushiemountain]
    #4989833 - 11/28/05 02:22 PM (18 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

NosferatuMan said:
Do acid in your apartment, then fucking clean it. It's kinda fun, at least I think so.



i don't have any hookups that trust my mental stability enough to come through.... or that even know basic facts about acid. (i.e. "it can kill you") that's another story, but I think I told the story in here in the first place.

but yeah i'm cleaning it right now........ man i can't believe this .... i left dishes in the dishwasher for literally months.... so fuck it i just turned it on and hopefully when it gets done cleaning they will be clean enough to salvage.

i don't even see why i have dishes though :/ i rarely eat here.

it seems like i need another person in my life to sort of "force" me to do things..... i've been dependant on my parents to do all this work for me for years, and they've controlled so much of my life....so now that i'm on my own i just say fuck it, i don't feel like cleaning.... etc... etc...... also, "fuck it i don't feel like studying " which generally works out okay.... but.....


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

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