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BubblerBoy
local

Registered: 01/27/04
Posts: 587
Loc: Bo, CA
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
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please read and give feedback
#4773700 - 10/08/05 05:08 PM (18 years, 4 months ago) |
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attached is a story i wrote about two months ago. hope you enjoy.
-------------------- In the desert I saw a creature, naked, bestial, who, squatting upon the ground, Held his heart in his hands, And ate of it. I said, "Is it good, friend?" "It is bitter, bitter," he answered; "But I like it Because it is bitter, And because it is my heart."
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muse_sick
ĤŌĿŶĞЋ0$Ŧ


Registered: 12/15/03
Posts: 9,399
Loc: Giu La Testa
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Re: please read and give feedback [Re: BubblerBoy]
#4773768 - 10/08/05 05:30 PM (18 years, 4 months ago) |
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Well, i liked it but let me throw out a couple comments:
-Your style reminded me strongly of e. hemingway, and i think that style is done to death. not even he could do it towards the end. find your own voice.
-Make sure you read what you write. one of your characters, Maria, starts of talking like a high school drop out: "I seen an albatross once"
half a page later and she is waxing poetic: "He was very gray, like clouds in winter?s foulest day. Water dripped off of him ceaselessly. It seemed strange to me, for it had not rained at all and he smelled nothing of salt water. The strawberries shone bright and red as they reflected in the albatross? eyes. "
Yr characters seem like they are supposed to be children...would a child really talk this way?
-Is this story based on a real life event? If so, maybe you should tack on some of what you think you took from it. As it stands, the story doesn't really seem to stand on it's own merit, that isn't to say that it isn't well written, but rather that it doesn't leave a reader satisfied unless it is part of some larger story that we are unaware of.
But keep writing, and read so that you can see how authors you admire phrase things
--------------------
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BubblerBoy
local

Registered: 01/27/04
Posts: 587
Loc: Bo, CA
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
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Re: please read and give feedback [Re: muse_sick]
#4774183 - 10/08/05 07:43 PM (18 years, 4 months ago) |
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i agree, it seems to me all glitz and glamour with no substance to back it up.
-------------------- In the desert I saw a creature, naked, bestial, who, squatting upon the ground, Held his heart in his hands, And ate of it. I said, "Is it good, friend?" "It is bitter, bitter," he answered; "But I like it Because it is bitter, And because it is my heart."
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moog
Stranger

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1,296
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Re: please read and give feedback [Re: BubblerBoy]
#4774277 - 10/08/05 08:24 PM (18 years, 4 months ago) |
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Interesting style. Here's my grammar-Nazi criticisms, hope they are constructive...
1. Don't know what your deal is with punctuation, but you're missing about 80 commas throughout the piece. It's cool if you're doing stream-of-consciousness writing or something, but you already have commas in some places, so I assume you were supposed to put them elsewhere where they're needed. For instance, the second sentence needs commas: "The boy blushed and would have hid his head under the covers, but there were no covers, so he tucked his eyes behind his dark brown lashes and under the cool shadow cast over his face when he turned away from the sun." You could even start a new sentence with "so." Either way, it is slightly confusing to read without breaking it up with punctuation. Punctuation is like the musical rhythm of text. You have to set a good rhythm for the reader or they will be lost, not knowing where you're going with the song. 
2. I have to repeat the argument up above. The dialog is very strange. I doubt anyone in the last century would talk like that, no matter what country they're from or their upbringing. The characters' ages are also somewhat ambiguous, although it's implied that they're kids (sucking on lollipops and having crumpled up pages of comic books). So if the girl is supposed to be a kid she should talk like a kid.
3. You have too many long sentences continuously right after one another. This is that rhythm thing again. You need to break some of the sentences up and make the rhythm interesting, to keep the reader from getting lost in those long, drawn-out descriptions. Interspersed short sentences, with just 5 or 6 words, are great for adding emphasis to certain details and keeping the reader's attention.
Now, i didn't mean to tear your work up. Overall i liked the story. Your use of sensual imagery is excellent, and the way you carried the lollipop motif through the whole thing was great.
I love little short stories like this because you can spend a few minutes losing yourself in another person's imagination without devoting your time to reading a whole book.
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IgnatiusJReilly
Up From Sloth


Registered: 08/28/05
Posts: 668
Loc: LA
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month
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Re: please read and give feedback [Re: BubblerBoy]
#4776545 - 10/09/05 10:45 AM (18 years, 4 months ago) |
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Seems the commas are in order to me. Your style is fine. Not Hemingway at all, sorry. The man had a tough line. Your writing is flowery, I'm sure you've heard it before.
Short shorts are becoming more and more popular these days. Just as a short story resembles a poem more than a novel, a short short can be an opportunity to take a slice and pack it with literary themes. Contrive it, but don't force it. The problem of authorship.
Your lolipops are sexual in an icky kind of way. The birds purity is not lost on the child, though the child seems more you than herself. Surreal, dreamlike, certainly not Hemingway, who was a minimalist, and not like Carver who was a precisionist. Flowery, look for concreteness. But not at the expense of your style; stay true to your voice, it's fine.
And forget about all criticism while writing.
-------------------- "A Bad Day for Pants"
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IgnatiusJReilly
Up From Sloth


Registered: 08/28/05
Posts: 668
Loc: LA
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month
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Re: please read and give feedback [Re: BubblerBoy]
#4776559 - 10/09/05 10:48 AM (18 years, 4 months ago) |
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Also, read some Jean Thompson, some Ann Cummins, some Raymond Carver,, some Lewis Robinson. All fine short story writers.
-------------------- "A Bad Day for Pants"
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Phluck
Carpal Tunnel


Registered: 04/10/99
Posts: 11,394
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 3 months, 25 days
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I'd have to agree with the lolipops being icky.
Quote:
He had a lollipop that tasted like strawberries and rose buds, but only on fresh spring mornings just before sunrise.
Perhaps you wanted to gently imply "cock", but that's like an erect 12 incher poking you in the face.
Your grasp of english is concrete enough that you shouldn't be worrying about grammar. Just write and sort out that shit in the end.
I think you need to relax a bit. Don't try so hard to sound good, just write, write more like how you talk in your mind, rather than trying to sound like what you know sounds good, if that makes any sense. Just chill out and let it flow.
-------------------- "I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson http://phluck.is-after.us
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BubblerBoy
local

Registered: 01/27/04
Posts: 587
Loc: Bo, CA
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
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Re: please read and give feedback [Re: BubblerBoy]
#4777314 - 10/09/05 02:19 PM (18 years, 4 months ago) |
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thanks for all the feedback folks, much better than my friends that just nod and smile when they read it.
you guys rock
-------------------- In the desert I saw a creature, naked, bestial, who, squatting upon the ground, Held his heart in his hands, And ate of it. I said, "Is it good, friend?" "It is bitter, bitter," he answered; "But I like it Because it is bitter, And because it is my heart."
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IgnatiusJReilly
Up From Sloth


Registered: 08/28/05
Posts: 668
Loc: LA
Last seen: 13 years, 1 month
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Re: please read and give feedback [Re: BubblerBoy]
#4778935 - 10/09/05 09:01 PM (18 years, 4 months ago) |
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Phluck nailed it. Write more like you speak. Much creativity to be found in the speaking voice. Anything else is contrived by being forced.
-------------------- "A Bad Day for Pants"
Edited by IgnatiusJReilly (10/09/05 09:01 PM)
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