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OfflineSpooge
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Registered: 04/21/04
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A bad person? (grandfather dying)
    #4704756 - 09/24/05 01:24 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I think I am a bad person. My mom's dad contracted cancer at the beginning of the year and was diagnosed terminal in may. The doctors said he wouldn't make it through the end of the summer. I think he's like 72 or something.

All this time, the family has had a negative outlook, pretty much excepting his death and not thriving for life. I for one, wouldn't want all that negative energy around me. To be honest, I haven't been over to the house to visit, besides a couple times. And I think I feel bad about this, because I"ve lied about it. Telling people how I HAVE visited.

My grandmother and aunty have been phoning all morning trying to get ahold of my mom. I think everyone's angry with me for not visiting very much. They used to talk to me and the seem to want nothing to do with me. Like not visiting makes me the most horrible person.

Yesterday my dad called me an inconsiderate fuck with no conscience and said I better start visiting once a week(he said it like a command with a lot of ignorance behind it...so obviously this just pissed me off).

So I phoned my mom at work and told her that grandma and my aunty were calling. She called back 10 minutes later, fairly upset, saying she was leaving work to go to my grandfather's place. I guess he's dying and slipping into some sort of coma. He told my family to not take him to the hospital because he wants to die in his own home, not in the hospital. So they aren't going to be taking him to the hospital and I guess he's not responding to anyone in the family. He's slipping into some sort of coma of some sorts.

My mom just phoned back to wake my sister up and see if she and me wants to come down and basically watch my grandfather slip away. Me and my sister both don't want to be there to watch him die.

I really don't know what to feel. I knew all this time this might happen but was trying to be the ONLY positive one about the situation. I made many sugesstion for improving health(recommended mangosteen drinks and other various herbs and whatnot)...and it actually seemed to be helping at one point. I just didn't want to be around the house of "death". It effects me quite deeply. Am I just a chicken shit who didn't want to face the music, so to say? I think maybe. There was just so much negative energy always floating around the house...and it was enough to make want to curl up and die myself. I think maybe this was a very selfish motive for not visiting as much as I supposedly should of. I knew that I would be there for family though, for the aftermath. I think that's the toughest time in the death of a close one. I was/am going to be there for my mom and her family.

But the way my family is, I think they really took it to heart about me not visiting that much and will basically tell me to fuck off when I am there to grieve with them. You'd have to know the family...and I know there is a pretty good chance that is what the vibe will be. The family is big into guilt trips as it is. So I realize now how much this is going to kick me in the ass. I mean, I'm trying to deal with his "dying" in my own way. And all along I knew I would be there for my entire family when the time came to grieve...but I don't think that will mean anything now to them.

Maybe it's the fact that my grandfather is slipping away at this very moment...but I'm starting to regret any choices I've made. I'm starting to think maybe I'm a pretty bad person for all of this.


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InvisibleHELLA_TIGHT
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: Spooge]
    #4704769 - 09/24/05 01:27 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

GO VISIT HIM.


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OfflineTodcasil
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: Spooge]
    #4704779 - 09/24/05 01:29 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

you're no more a bad person for your actions as your family are bad people for being guilt mongers.

live and let live, live and let die...

i bet you if you showed your family this post you made here, say that it was addressed to your closest friend, that they might understand you a little better.

i think what your family wants is to feel like you are suffering with them... and that isn't necessarily to much to ask, yet at the same time, you have every right to do with this is your own manner.

peace to you brother.

:heart:


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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OfflineSpooge
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: Todcasil]
    #4704797 - 09/24/05 01:35 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Thanks bud

I just want everyone to know, I'm not looking for sympathy or anything close to that. I just wanted to everyone to know what's up and why I'm feeling like a bad person because of it all.


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InvisibleHELLA_TIGHT
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: Spooge]
    #4704850 - 09/24/05 01:44 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Because you're losing a member of your family.

I'd at least go say goodbye. :shrug:


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OfflineLethalX5
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4704870 - 09/24/05 01:48 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

get your ass over there. Go see him man, its your grandpa


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"To get what you've never had, You must do what you've never done."


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Offlinesublime40oz
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4704895 - 09/24/05 01:54 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Yeah, I went through the same thign about not wanting to be in the hosptial much when my grandad was in there. Well I had my reasons, most importantly because he fuckign told my aunts he didn't want to be there and they took him anyway. That pissed me the fuck off, you don't deny a dying man his wishes. But when he was close to the end I did go and say goodbye, and I had the most meaninful 4 word conversation I've ever had with another human. (so meaningful to me I just teared up a little writing this, lol)

In short, I would get over there.


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Beyond the gray sky


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OfflineFade_To_Black
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: LethalX5]
    #4704903 - 09/24/05 01:56 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Yes, Go see your grandfather. Forget about the rest of your family.. Do it for him..


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OfflineTodcasil
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: sublime40oz]
    #4704904 - 09/24/05 01:56 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

if anything, it would mean something to his grandfather, not to him.

but i believe that everyone runs their own gauntlet. its his choice, just like its everyone elses choice to participate.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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OfflineSpooge
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: LethalX5]
    #4704908 - 09/24/05 01:56 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

My family will basically feel like, "WTF is he doing here". They will totally be out to make me feel like shit and make me feel like I don't deserve to be there...since I haven't visited a lot in the past.

The family is heavy(and known, I might add) for the guilt trips. That coupled with the fact that the entire family will be a mess...I just don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I"m supposed to act.

My grandpa isn't responding to anyone...he's pretty much comatose and is dying at this very moment. The way my family is...they would feel offended, with me showing up at this time of all times. Sounds stupid, but that's how it would go down.

I kind of talked in my journal about how I feel about death. I know no matter what though, I have to be there for my mom and her family...no matter what they think/feel about me.


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InvisibleRavus
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: Spooge]
    #4704915 - 09/24/05 01:57 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

That does sound pretty selfish.

"Negative energy"? I've always though the way hippies use the word energy is bullshit, and would much rather show my love towards an old family member before he died than selfishly worry about how "negative energy" will affect me. But it's up to you man; evidently you've chosen not to visit him in his last weeks before nothingness, and now it's too late.


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So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.


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OfflineSpooge
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: Todcasil]
    #4704936 - 09/24/05 02:01 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I want to be a good person and make a good choice though.

I just feel so disconnected from everyone else when it comes to death.

Right now, the thing that upsets me is the fact I know how upset my family is and will be. My grandmother has a good chance of following him not to far in the future. She just can't be without my grandfather. My mom will never be the same. and just ugh...thinking about the way they are feeling right at this moment is bring a tear to MY eye.


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Offlinesublime40oz
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: Spooge]
    #4704952 - 09/24/05 02:06 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I think you will be surprised that if you go visit they will drop all the petty bullshit, and appreciate you being there because they are your family, and most likely love you. Everyone wants their loved ones around in times of tragedy.


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Beyond the gray sky


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OfflineSpooge
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: Ravus]
    #4704956 - 09/24/05 02:06 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I don't think that word is bullshit, but nonetheless...I agree that maybe it was selfish. That's obviously why I brought that up.

I can't take it back though, and I'm not going to live with regrets.

I've showed my love by visiting a few times. He KNOWS I love him greatly. But the way my family talk to me and makes me feel is that...I'm a bad person because over the past 5 months...I should of been visiting once a week. That's why my mom and dad always would get on my back about. Saying how cold I am because i'm not there visiting him every week.

I don't believe it's his trip to nothingness. Those are your beliefs.

But I appreciate your opinion, telling it how it is. If I sound defensive and whatnot, I'm not trying to be.


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InvisibleHELLA_TIGHT
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: Spooge]
    #4704958 - 09/24/05 02:06 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Fuck your family, go see your grandfather. You don't have to acknowledge anyone else.


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Invisibleblissedout
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: LethalX5]
    #4704961 - 09/24/05 02:07 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

LethalX5 said:
get your ass over there.  Go see him man, its your grandpa



No shit! I wish that I could still see either one of my gramps, but they have moved on. :sad:

Go visit him, man. You will definitely live with regret, if you don't.


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:murray:


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OfflineTodcasil
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: Spooge]
    #4704963 - 09/24/05 02:07 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

entityexperiment said:
I want to be a good person and make a good choice though.

I just feel so disconnected from everyone else when it comes to death.

Right now, the thing that upsets me is the fact I know how upset my family is and will be. My grandmother has a good chance of following him not to far in the future. She just can't be without my grandfather. My mom will never be the same. and just ugh...thinking about the way they are feeling right at this moment is bring a tear to MY eye.




if this is how you feel, suck it up then and go over there.

they are all dealing with his death so no one will think it audacious of you to show up.

hes your grandfather.

if they give you shit, suck it up. tell them you're human and you have regrets and emotions and grief just as much as them.

your confusion is natural, and they probably just don't know your confused.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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OfflineSpooge
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4704966 - 09/24/05 02:07 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I know you are probably right


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OfflineTodcasil
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4704972 - 09/24/05 02:08 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

HELLA_TIGHT said:
Fuck your family, go see your grandfather. You don't have to acknowledge anyone else.




i like your point of view.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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OfflinePS_Cubes
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Re: A bad person? (grandfather dying) [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4704980 - 09/24/05 02:09 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

HELLA_TIGHT said:
Fuck your family, go see your grandfather. You don't have to acknowledge anyone else.




:thumbup:


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