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OfflineMJF
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Indulge
    #4689964 - 09/21/05 01:44 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Why do I just want to be an eating machine, fucking machine, and drug using machine?


It seems like almost everything else is just holding me over until I get food, sex, or drugs. Being with people in intimate situations and music are probably just as good (or almost) as those three things I mentioned. It also seems like everything is dependent on my mood and that I really don't control my mood. I can make my bad moods less bad but they just become this stale taste in my mouth that is kind of annoying. I'm most likely bi-polar and don't really like the idea of taking pills everyday. I don't know what the hell is going on....I can't live in the moment because I brood over what I could have done differently in the past and worry/fantasize about the future. I have this urge to do off the wall crazy things...like out of the social norm...nothing harmful....but never do. I know I could do a lot better but don't. I think I need a good ass kicking, jail, or military....I don't know...something to motivate me for longer than a couple months.

Sorry for rambling.  :rolleyes:


Edited by MJF (09/21/05 01:45 PM)


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OfflineMJF
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Re: Indulge [Re: MJF]
    #4689976 - 09/21/05 01:47 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

When I'm in a mood like this...I sometimes drink too much alcohol way to quick and do something stupid.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Indulge [Re: MJF]
    #4689984 - 09/21/05 01:50 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Can you accept all of that unconditionally. All the shit. Without judgement. This is where the battle is waged.

Please think three times about the fucking Military or jail. :frown:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: Indulge [Re: Icelander]
    #4689996 - 09/21/05 01:53 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Q: "Why do I just want to be an eating machine, fucking machine, and drug using machine?"


A: "I can't live in the moment because I brood over what I could have done differently in the past and worry/fantasize about the future."

:kiss:


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OfflineMJF
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Re: Indulge [Re: Icelander]
    #4689999 - 09/21/05 01:55 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

I can but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I feel like I need a guru or mentor.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Indulge [Re: MJF]
    #4690007 - 09/21/05 01:57 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

This all takes time. You are not in charge of the time table. Let the plants guide you. If you need a mentor then without looking one  will come to you. This happened to me. :mushroom2:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMJF
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Re: Indulge [Re: Veritas]
    #4690021 - 09/21/05 02:00 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Reading seems to help with my shitty self talk. But when I get lazy all I do is sit and think....which isn't really that good for me...it's definitely not any productive thinking.

The only other thing that seems to help is drugs.

I know I need more discipline.....the main reason I want it...is so that I can follow through with my great plans....and maybe start meditating/yoga. But I feel like I won't be able to learn it on my own...I need somewhere there to force it on me. I know that me saying I can't do it is like a self-fulfilling prophecy...I dream I can do it..and hope I can do it...but I don't believe I can do it.


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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: Indulge [Re: MJF]
    #4690046 - 09/21/05 02:05 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Here's a great site:  http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/

I especially recommend the chapter on Rational Emotive Therapy.  I have used it for years to "reprogram" my habitual mode of thinking, and believe it is effective and helpful.

:heart:


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OfflineMJF
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Re: Indulge [Re: Veritas]
    #4691416 - 09/21/05 07:47 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Veritas....I love you!


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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: Indulge [Re: MJF]
    #4691428 - 09/21/05 07:51 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

:kiss:


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OfflineMJF
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Re: Indulge [Re: Veritas]
    #4691461 - 09/21/05 07:59 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

By the way...

I lied about something before....

my greatest desires are for that interpersonal relationship....the intimate ones.....

but when i don't satisfy (or the need is not satisfied for me) i resort to more animal-istic needs.

i really would like to go camping with some of the older s&p'ers and learn a thing or to. or just do something out of the ordinary and not something so mundane and ridiculous.


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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: Indulge [Re: MJF]
    #4691469 - 09/21/05 08:01 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

Ahh, but the mundane can be out of the ordinary if you allow it to be. :wink:


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Indulge [Re: MJF]
    #4691489 - 09/21/05 08:06 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

You have as much to teach as to learn. :thumbup: You are welcome out here anytime and we can go camping in the high desert or  in the beautiful mountains outside my back door. That's an open invitation. :heart:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMJF
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Re: Indulge [Re: Veritas]
    #4691493 - 09/21/05 08:07 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

yeah true...

or taking a trip and see-ing veritas and icelander and swami and gettingjiggywithit (spelling?) and ravus...and other peoples....whoever wants to come basically....wouldn't that be awesome?


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Indulge [Re: MJF]
    #4691601 - 09/21/05 08:30 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

That would be a fucking riot. :thumbup: :grin:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMJF
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Re: Indulge [Re: Icelander]
    #4695164 - 09/22/05 02:50 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

So I did indeed end up shitty drunk last night and did something stupid. For some reason I think I'm soo smart and capible of driving while intoxicated. I drove fine and didn't get in a wreck or hurt anyone....but damn I was way to drunk. I had several 8.1% Steel Reserve and 3 shots plus a chug off of a bottle of some Russian Vodka.

I really hate that I drive drunk.

Is it weird that I enjoy the hung over feeling? It's really not hungover...I rarely get headaches...but I'm just kinda out of it....but it's nice it seems like I'm more in the moment...and sort of a high feeling.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Indulge [Re: MJF]
    #4695182 - 09/22/05 02:55 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

I hate that you drive drunk also, and I'll tell you why. Because some fine day you might kill or maim some man/woman/dog/child and not even give a rats ass until you find out that your egotistic self is in trouble.

You are indulging and that's find as long as it extends to your body only. :thumbdown: :frown:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMJF
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Re: Indulge [Re: Icelander]
    #4695200 - 09/22/05 02:59 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

:crying:

I really hate it to. I mean it is bad....and so is my desire to drink......I only seem to do stupid things when something other than beer is involved.

Not to make light of it or anything but I really can't wait till cars drive themselves.


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