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Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,313
Loc: Israeli in
i need a change!
    #4679458 - 09/18/05 11:11 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

i need to take action but i'm way too confused and scared...
i've spent the better part of the last two years in solitude contemplating what i should do with my self and haven't found any good enough reason to wake up in the morning... sure i want things but they're so far out... so hard to accomplish and the road to these things is so ilusive from me!

i've always been obssessed with my friends i think... i was too dependent on them and that's the reason i've been keeping to my self lately but i crave for a friendship with my fellow humans... i've got a few friends that i neglect and don't feel like i can make things right with them (even though on the surface they keep saying that i should be doing my thing... but i know i dissapoint them...)

i've never been too good with the opposit sex as well... i'm too self contiouse and everytime i meet someone new i take it way too far in my head and either get disapointed or fuck it up due to my inabilety to just BE and enjoy my self around them

i need a fresh start but i'm afraid i won't be able to free my self from all this BS i've gotten my self into...
i've got all the doors opened right now... i've got some money saved up and all the time in the world to do whatever i see fit for my self but i STILL can't figure out what i should do
on one hand i've been planing a trip to canada (at least for 6-8 months) and on the other hand i'm sick of wasting my time
i want to be able to just get up in the morning and be productive
and be open to people and my self

should i run away to canada and learn the meaning of freedome for a while, should i just get a deacent job an appartment and follow my hobbies untill something comes up... should i grit my teeth and work out all my problames here befor i unleash my self upon an unsuspacting world?
when i think of all this the end of "Waking life" comes to mind... "well... if you can then you should... you know... just... wake up"  :confused:

i dunno what the point to this post is... i'm just too confused and sick of my current situation and i'm looking for a way out (maybe looking for the easy way out and that's my problame?)
shit... i dunno...

either way thanks for reading and i'd appriciate any insight

:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
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Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 331
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
Re: i need a change! [Re: Simisu]
    #4679629 - 09/18/05 11:58 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

sorry, i don't really know what to tell you. It sounds like something you have to figure out for your self. I guess just do what you think is best. Take a chance and live life with no regrets.

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Only Human
Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: i need a change! [Re: Simisu]
    #4680692 - 09/19/05 03:41 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Change someone Else's life if you can't change your own, take your savings and sign up for volunteer work in some troubled country, like palistine...J/k!

take a good look http://www.oneworld.net/guides/volunteering/international

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The Minstrel in the Gallery

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: i need a change! [Re: Simisu]
    #4680910 - 09/19/05 05:39 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Hi friend. There is no where to go that you will not be dragging all these feeling along with you. So where ya gonna go?

The key to your freedom seems impossible right now. That key is to completely and unconditionally accept your self exactally as you are right now and from now on without anything having to change. Put your energy into that and if you succeed to any degree things will start to change in ways you can only dream about right now.

I suggest The Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes. Simple,short,profound.  :cool: :heart:

"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,313
Loc: Israeli in
Re: i need a change! [Re: Icelander]
    #4681424 - 09/19/05 12:34 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

the thing is... i KNOW exectly what i'm missing...
and you're right it's self asteem self confidence exceptance
just BE
just being FREE

but i'm not... all these doubts i have are overcoming my understanding and i can't seem to help it

i've had a couple of friends crash over here when i wrote all that... they came back from camping we made some food and they fell asleep
i woke up about two hours befor they came over and i haven't slept since (i was in my room the whole time they slept...) they're really chill and show me alot of understanding but for the life of me i couldn't "flow/vibe" with them... all i can talk about is how stuck i feel or drugs and that gets old pretty fast
after they woke up i felt alot better and managed to enjoy their company... they kept trying to convince me to go camping with them and even though i explained that i'd probably won't be able to enjoy it becouse they just kept saying i should come and at least "try" it... they're right... and still i've had too many bad expiriances with these kind of situations that i can't except the possibilety that i just might be able to have fun let go of all my social fears and actualy enjoy my self... MY SELF...
we talked about taking mushrooms and again they tried to convince me i should do it while camping with them and that's even more scary
i'm quite positive i shouldn't take shrooms around anyone for my first time... it could lead into a very paranoide trip!

running away and starting fresh seems like a good way to build comfidence and anything fresh would do me good and yet i agree... i'd still have all these nagging thoughts whever i am

im confused.....
and i'm simply sick of this nothingness i feel this numbness that's eating me this negative take to my every act

:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
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      :sun: Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum :sun:

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