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Invisiblepurity
 
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Registered: 06/16/02
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op8 addiction is a raw deal
    #4665546 - 09/15/05 04:15 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

yeah, i fucked up. i knew i was fucking up as i was doing it. the bi daily opium tea, the occasional 80mg oxy contin. i didnt give a fuck. all my depression and loneliness and suicidal thoughts were smothered with that warm blanket. that slut would come by and wede scratch eachtohers backs and ide pretend she loved me as we cuddled and nodded in and out of consciousness. the high reminded me of being little and my dad or mom would hold me in their arms. i cant go cold turkey. no, i kow ide hurt myself...

fuck; i gotta go pick up my little sister from school, ill be back to finish this post... dont tell me QUIT NOW till ive finished telling my story  :cool: :smirk: :thumbup:


Edited by trendal (09/15/05 06:57 PM)


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InvisibleAdden
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Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 34,121
Loc: Amongst the Dunes
Re: op8 addiction is a raw deal [Re: purity]
    #4665556 - 09/15/05 04:18 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

It'll be a bumpy ride but recognition is the first step to recovery.

:sun:


I'm sure you have, or will do, much harder things in life than overcoming this.


Edited by trendal (09/15/05 07:01 PM)


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Invisiblepurity
 
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Re: op8 addiction is a raw deal [Re: purity]
    #4665776 - 09/15/05 05:16 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

where was i... oh yeah, well, im tapering. i know this is rarely an effective procedure but i know (...think) i can do it; especially because this is only a 5 month spree, considering ive talked to ppl whove kicked dope after a year of daily use. the tapering began 2 weeks ago, i began just going 2 days w/o then one day with an opiate (it was daily op8s for 2 months b4 that). it sucked, especially that second day; stomach cramping, body ACHING, and more mental anguish added to my already plethoric mental issues. I got some benzos (a crutch, i know) to chill my mind, i still feel the NEEED but its not as bad as it was (its 4.5 days now w/o). ill have a cup 2morrow for my double at the kitchen i work in. i will also be putting in my two week notice because 3yrs of busting my ass in that steel, hot, angry kitchen never helped my anxiety; everyone throws around insults and fights break out; reminds me of 9th grade. the opiates made those 7-12 hour days very manageable, that and the $8.75/h pay. anyway, i will be going to see a head doctor soon and a psychologist for the other problems within a week and to talk about family issues (i truly think an ssri would benefit my brain chem, but that just might be my solve-problems-with-pills state of mind) . after a month w/o work i will be applying for desk jobs (there are plenty available and i can bullshit my abilities so i can get pay; plus im a hard worker).

anyway, the tapering is seeming to work. its still hard to sleep, but it wasnt as bad at it was earlier. todays been a good day though... one breakdown from my mom might completely change my positive attitude. also, ive made a's on every assignment in college so far so im pretty happy about that; im celebrating with 1/2 a bar and some whine. i dunno. ive just been doing the best i can. :smirk: :smirk:

hmm.. perhaps i was just babbling just then. whatever; hope you guys have good days and nights.


Edited by trendal (09/15/05 07:02 PM)


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Invisiblepurity
 
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Re: op8 addiction is a raw deal [Re: purity]
    #4665793 - 09/15/05 05:18 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

thanks s2, ive just been trying to keep that 'itll be all good in the end' attitude, although it doesnt always work. hmm... i think ill get a little drunker and call up some girls. :lipsrsealed:


Edited by trendal (09/15/05 07:02 PM)


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InvisibleTien
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Re: op8 addiction is a raw deal [Re: purity]
    #4665798 - 09/15/05 05:19 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

:nonono:..why don't you change the name of the post?...(edited - no flaming in the support forum!)


Edited by trendal (09/15/05 07:02 PM)


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OfflineWeAreAllOne
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Registered: 06/25/05
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Re: op8 addiction is a raw deal [Re: Tien]
    #4666157 - 09/15/05 06:41 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

I grew a little uneasy after the first time I tried opiates.

I was surprised by how incredibly much I enjoyed them.

We'll see where it goes.



Good luck with your journey.  :mushroom2: :thumbup: :heart:


Edited by trendal (09/15/05 07:02 PM)


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Invisiblepurity
 
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Re: op8 addiction is a raw deal [Re: WeAreAllOne]
    #4666233 - 09/15/05 07:05 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

im in no way racist; i have black friends

you arent black, are you? if you are, im sorry. if not, chill nigga :wink: :smirk:  i guess i shoulda used an "a" rather than "er", right? /sarcasm>


Edited by trendal (09/15/05 07:12 PM)


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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: op8 addiction is a raw deal [Re: purity]
    #4666288 - 09/15/05 07:17 PM (11 years, 2 months ago)

All the same, I'd prefer it if you didn't use that word in here as it can easily be taken as racism. Flames of any sort are not alowed in the Support forum.

You'll notice I changed the thread title, please leave it changed :wink:

Anyway it's good to see you're on the road to freedom from addiction! You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, man, like this tapering doesn't seem so bad for you eh? I think you'll be fine if you stick to it :smile:

Be careful with the benzos, though...you don't want to substitute one addiction with another :wink:

May I suggest smoking marijuana (if you have no reason why you shouldn't)? It helps a lot of people take the edge off of, well just about everything, and has no physical addiction to worry about like with benzos! On the other hand pot makes some people really anxious so if it's not for you it's not for you :wink:


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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Invisiblepurity
 
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Re: op8 addiction is a soggy cornflake [Re: trendal]
    #4668062 - 09/16/05 01:36 AM (11 years, 2 months ago)

sorry for the harsh word in a forum which may have sensitive subjects.

yeah, but pot does sometimes make me anxious, like sometimes its great; ill just sit in a dark room and watch adult swim and laugh. other times it brings back hard memories from the past and i feel like im having panic attacks. neway, when i take my time off ill talk to my psych about some of those issues and maybe one day reach closure on some of it.

yeah, i plan on maybe hitting the bong a little more nowadays (it makes me feel emotionally tender and regretful for the horrible things ive done, like the huge self-inflicted scars all over my thighs), get crunk (drink/smoke) only on days when i have no responsibilities like weekends (which im sorta doing now), and maybe be able to take a pharmaceutical ONLY on special chill occasions someday, but i dont want to think of that right now; just concentrate on not being sick without them.

i put in my 2 week notice 2morrow and within 4 weeks, having opiates be a bi or tri monthly thing (this is using very positive thinking though)

near the tail end of my monthly break, if the situation is right & my mind is where i want it to be, i think a 2.5 gram mushroom trip might me in order, to usher in an era of personal change. (this, however could go either way considering my emotional instability.)

my mom goes into the hospital tomorrow, please send her your prayers. her condition is potentially fatal. she still yells at me when i forget her popsicles. her ex boyfriend still throws nails in our driveway.


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