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OfflineMitchnast
Trial by Madness
Male User Gallery Arcade Champion: Mahjong

Registered: 10/28/99
Posts: 8,572
Loc: Okanagan Flag
Last seen: 30 days, 6 hours
Being real
    #4657028 - 09/13/05 10:49 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

here i am, being real.

i hold nmy hands out and the light shines brighter upon my palms than the hairy demonic darkside, the side with claws,
the BACKS!

you know, tom waits said "the devil knows the bible like the back of his hand"

well i know the back of my shoe like my hand was a foot
and its all the rage in the cage i was put
it stays put
and my laces are lose
and im losin' my shoes
soul train at the caboose
recycle, reduce, but don't re-use
what may look nice but it may just be the noose.


stacked before me are the interconnected stages of my personal destiny.

they are my only obligation, respectively.

right now i am at the stage of stay-at-home-mr. mom.

i have no problemo with that.

my wife automatically (with her training and aptitude) has better prospects than i. a woman like her can do anything.

i worked all through the pregnancy, hard mind you, usually away from home for a week at a time, and then our daughter was born with congenital heart disease. a baby killer, the undeniable prodect of hell.

and i left work (retaining benefits for 1 year and unemployment for 6 mo)

there was alot of staying at the hospital suites and even in the rooms or at the local hotels)

and she did great through her surgery. and now she is the most beautiful baby ever.

people see her and want to be near her. she is so mild and loving that caring for her is a giddying treat.

my wife is protective of her and my mother is sorta "mothering" so theres conflict there thats WAY worse than it has to be. like, im SERIOUS. i cant immagine how this will resolve without me having to chose between my wife and daughter and my birth family. of course my birth family can't possibly win. which is a shame because i care for them and have NO problems with anything they do considering they dont really do anything I dont....

uuuugh, theres my darkness for now. the winless struggle of a man who only wants the best and finds himself at the apex of deuling tornados. and i feel me daughter close to me at the center of this struggle, and although both tornados rage on against one another, THINKING they are fighting for closeness to the angel blessed upon us, in some misguided war.

i sit here caring for her and loving her. i am done with the broodwar between chaotic and lawful evils. i cant reach either side so i will care for the innocent.

thats my way. you just know your way. if you dont go it, then you struggle against a wind that corrodes your soul.

and here i am going it. corroded just the same as the winds blow at my back.

i wish people could see the world like me.

i thought my wife could, but it seems she has her own interpretation.

i knew my mother couldn't, but i thought my wife could accept her as she did me.

now that my careful considerations have failed.

i will just do what i can do and assume that my good heart will carry me accross dark waters as it always has.
and im going to make sure that my daughter can know the love i can find for us.

my confedance in my ability to understand people has never waivered. i understand exactly whats going on.

my problem is my ability to be understood. and i beleive it's an epidemic"

it seems like everyone is misunderstood to one anhother.

and thats my non-egotistical way of saying: im the only person around that seems to really understand anyone but themself.
or at least it seems that way, i wont assume im right with such an absolute exclaimation.

even so.

the world is full of reasons to hate eachother.

but the moment you connect with someone you have a choice, of being them, or being someone else. the ego essentially is the factor.

if you hate yourself. BE yourself. find acceptance in being accepted for who you are. then love yourself and become one with others.

if you love yourself, be one with others. show them the love you know.

whats so complicated?
where's the contention in where the golden road begins and ends?

i just don't know.

but i know it when i feel it.

and it's not for me.

i might die a sad man.

now isn't that sad?


--------------------


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Offlinebleedforthis
ill bleed foryou
Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 92
Loc: Looking down from above.
Last seen: 11 years, 10 months
Re: Being real [Re: Mitchnast]
    #4658010 - 09/14/05 03:08 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Misunderstanding is an epidemic. My thoughts exactly. Unfortunately I will only perpetuate this, since whenever there is something I feel the need to express i stumble over words and give the wrong idea.

If only had a broader vocabulary, then possibly I could hope to start to explain my thoughts and feelings to whomever would listen.


--------------------
As my pupils fluttered and tried to fly out of my skull I asked myself, "Is THIS what you want?".
Screaming until my lungs bled, I simply replied "No!"


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: Being real [Re: Mitchnast]
    #4658759 - 09/14/05 10:34 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

i sit here caring for her and loving her. i am done with the broodwar between chaotic and lawful evils. i cant reach either side so i will care for the innocent.




Surrender to what is. Do what you can. Let others be. It will find it's own path.

Nice post. :heart:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineMAIA
World-BridgerKartikeya (DftS)
Male User Gallery

Registered: 04/27/01
Posts: 7,276
Loc: Erra - 20 Tauri - M45 Sta...
Last seen: 5 months, 9 days
Re: Being real [Re: Mitchnast]
    #4658814 - 09/14/05 11:06 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

I've been in your shoes mitch. I also had to make a choice, and i choose wife and daughter, of course.

I was living with my wife parents, they were cool and help us a lot, they still do. But having your own house, something called home, your home and living with your wife and daughter is very important, and makes you more confident in the future.

It's good having your future in your own hands.

MAIA


--------------------
Spiritual being, living a human experience ... The Shroomery Mandala



Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy.
Voltaire


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OfflineMitchnast
Trial by Madness
Male User Gallery Arcade Champion: Mahjong

Registered: 10/28/99
Posts: 8,572
Loc: Okanagan Flag
Last seen: 30 days, 6 hours
Re: Being real [Re: MAIA]
    #4661151 - 09/14/05 06:38 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

i have my own place.
its more of a power issue and my my wife having issies with my mothers way of life


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InvisibleRobin_Thehood
Stranger

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 29
Re: Being real [Re: Mitchnast]
    #4663147 - 09/15/05 01:11 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

"and here i am going it. corroded just the same as the winds blow at my back. i wish people could see the world like me. i thought my wife could, but it seems she has her own interpretation. i knew my mother couldn't, but i thought my wife could accept her as she did me. now that my careful considerations have failed."
And here at the heart of your essay, your scars can only serve to heal you. Your mother and wife can only be tools as a vessel to launch you.. and whether or not you blow your wind to their sails is your choice. Whether you are hurt by their words or actions or you lay such  lies behind and aid them is up to you now.


"the world is full of reasons to hate each other."
Would you hate me, if I told you I hate you? WORDS!!! I let them fly like my mind.

"my confedance in my ability to understand people has never waivered. i understand exactly whats going on."
Do you understand the English language?
B-cuz I think itz bog0s, like you too :wink:

"if you hate yourself. BE yourself."
back to the hate stuff. Hate will only bring death upon you and your house. If you hate yourself, why not CHANGE YOURSELF!... easier said than done.


"i just don't know. but i know it when i feel it. and it's not for me. i might die a sad man."
This saddens me. Take strength that you can turn hate to love for less than it costs to turn lead to gold.

"stacked before me are the interconnected stages of my personal destiny...they are my only obligation, respectively."
And I hope you make it through... and that your daughter will know the extent of your endless love. And that she will grow up in the hope of your love by demonstration, and teach her daughter like you taught her.... in love.
LOVE MAN! Find what you love and this will all be alright.


--------------------

Providing safe passage through Sherwood


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