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OfflineGrav
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Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Loc: Flag
Last seen: 4 years, 3 months
misplaced tired and uninspired
    #4645056 - 09/11/05 09:12 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Just some things I need to say about how I'm living right now:

I am a full time Art student. I also work a little at the university library and I have a somewhat important position on the Student Government. I eat good food and stretch alot.

I know I've had serious issues with 'social anxiety' in the past, most of you I'm sure know what it's like, getting all nervous and tripping over your words for no reason. I credit this to having a poor self image and not believing in the power of my own life. Since then I've learned to love myself and my quirky behavior.

But I have this feeling like I'm only "half-in" my life. Like I don't really care about what I'm doing but I'll do it anyways because deep down I know it's good for me...

I feel generally tired and apathetic during class and work. I feel like it's a burden just to say Hi to a co-worker. I feel like I'm tugging the words out of my throat, like they're attached to led weights.

During Art Classes... wow I don't know... it's this weird mix of feeling completely lethargic, inspired, and disgusted all at the same time. I'm a pretty decent drawer when I get into the right mode, but I don't have too much faith in my skills right now. A few days ago I put a serious effort into coming up with an original piece and just go so frustrated at the lack of good ideas that I just went to sleep.

I feel like I should be drawing every waking moment but I just don't feel the drive. I feel like some sort of notion of "why I'm doing this" needs to be realized.

I want to scrap my art major and go into a scientific field, but I know when I'm there I'll want to come back to art again. I think Art Class is the most uninspiring thing in the world... well I guess I should probably just treat it as a technical process. That is my problem though, I dig so deep into things that I can't find my way out and I get completely disoriented.

I don't want to be doing this but it's comfortable and safe. Maybe that's why I resent it so much. I ran off to California last winter but I came back because I felt scared and I didn't want to work harder. I've almost got a bachelors degree here and my rational side knows its too good of an opportunity to delay. Honestly right now I feel like i'd be happier working on a farm or something, but I know that would get old and then I'd want to go to school and gain some mobility in the world.

I feel like a rational old man and an energetic wild child are duking it out in my head.

I'm kinda pissed at myself for getting into this government thing. A couple friends of mine at school ran for President and VP, and they needed someone to run with them for Student Activities director. So they win the election and now my responisibility is to go to meetings just about every week and coordinate a bunch of different things. It's a good experience, I'm learning some organizational skills. What I don't dig is all this extra shit they want me to do, man tables in the lobby and talk to students and such... doing anything like that I get this "used car salesman" feeling and just feel dirty and not myelf. I'm not too worried though.. if this thing gets too agrivating I am just going to walk out of it. My classes are #1 priority, I have enough with that.

I daydream about taking a flight out west and just taking what life throws at me.

I know in a short time I will not be getting high anymore. The last couple times I've smoked left me with a very empty feeling... I don't get anything out of it and I really feel now how it slows me down the next couple days. If anything I need my wits about me.

I find myself shifting between focus on the light and dark sides of humanity.

I think about all the fear, pain, and suffering... the corruption of power and the disconnection of man from other men.. current events.. how insincere and uninspiring my government is, hurricane victims, every-day victims that never make the headlines... i dwell on that for awhile
then I'm awakened to the beauty of life itself, and how lucky I am to be experiencing it, and how much love I have in my life.

i don't know.. life obviously isn't supposed to make sense, but i feel better now.

thanks for reading


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: Grav]
    #4645105 - 09/11/05 10:01 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Hi Grav. I think the basic thing here is that you are not following your heart. You're involved in things that are ok but not who you are. Lack of energy is always the result. I work on this stuff in my life also.

Instead of smoking for awhile. Try a shamanic practice of using psychedelics for finding out what you need to know about yourself and finding a path with heart and some of the courage needed to begin it.

Then you can head out west ( where I am) cut the souls off your shoes, climb a tree, and learn to play the flute. :hippie: Maybe we can hang out. :grin: :mushroom2: :heart:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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OfflineGrav
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Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
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Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: Icelander]
    #4651626 - 09/12/05 08:09 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

i used to do psychedelics alot... i nolonger have any desire to use them. i dont believe in gaining insight from drugs... whether i did or not in the past does not concern me, undoubtedly i would not be the person i am today had it not been for LSD and magic mushrooms, but i don't wish to revisit that lifestyle, i felt i was tumbling out of control.

i smoke pot because it enhances certain things like having fun with friends, music, videogames, or anything interactive i guess... the downside is it turns me into a slow, dimwitted fool if i abuse it which i have been known to do.

what i want now is consistency.. i want to be reliable.. but more than anything i just want to be myself
i have alot to think about i guess...

thanks for the warm comments Ice


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: Grav]
    #4651729 - 09/12/05 08:29 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

You're welcome friend. I used psychedelics like crazy for years and then quit for many years for some of the reasons you mentioned. When I came back to them with a dedicated purpose, I jump started my spiritual growth in ways I never expected. But I don't expect it to be the same for everyone. So... good luck on your path. :heart: :heart:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlineart
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 331
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: Icelander]
    #4652464 - 09/12/05 11:21 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

i kind of know what you are going through, not as bad but this is what has helped me.

I am a musician, i play the drums, piano, and guitar. I often find myself getting frusterated and uninspired too. I have found that taking a break always helps me. After breaking my arm, i practiced more than i ever have. Even just taking a break for a week seems to help.

What if you got your bachelors and then took maybe a year off, and traveled or something. Join the peace corsps? Maybe just take some time off to do nothing. I don't know if that would work but just a thought. Try talking to someone about that.


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Invisiblefearfect
Registered: 01/15/04
Posts: 1,845
Loc: Flag
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: art]
    #4658850 - 09/14/05 11:21 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

i am in the same state, but i took the scientific degree route, i lost most of my creativity a long time ago. it seems the only thing i enjoy doing anymore is being locked in my room, and drowning everything in a sea of music. of course i've been waking up sick now (past couple days), so the anxious and clammy physical feelings are probably really bringing me down even more.

i think finding any kind of meaning, something worthwhile, is completely futile. Finding any kind of depth or enriching your "spirit" is nothing more then some form alchemy; re-setting the paths of your neurons. Everything any of us feel is completely fabricated by our brain. The only things that are real and imminent is 'now' and the end.


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: fearfect] * 1
    #4659235 - 09/14/05 12:55 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

So sad. To find nothing worthwhile. That is a terrible burden. Yet this is how most people live. Even while being bored and tired and hopeless millions will not risk anything to make a change. That just shows how strong this egoic pattern in fear of change. Many would rather die than risk it all and follow their hearts desire. Too risky. Eaiser to take the painful route of safty.

Living life as a warrior is the only way to challenge the first enemy of a man of knowledge. FEAR

If you don't tackle fear, then you will feel depression, and futility of existence.

i


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlinesignoffate
Only Human
Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: Grav]
    #4660431 - 09/14/05 04:22 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Life is tough, as we say,
or is it soft in a strange way.
Never less and always more
take your place, this is war!
Duty first, did you write that down?
What? 'reality'?,
just an anomaly,
ignore it

BACK TO WORK, paint your pictures, do your math, sow those seeds, shoot that infidel, be the man/woman, ignore the suffering and especially ignore the ones trying to help!  There is dark ness and there is light ness!  We will telly u the truth, don't believe the devil he is evil and dark... we know what is good    for        US.












Smoking ganga everyday
will make your problems burn away
Don't mind the pain you inflict
whilst choking your cells with psychedelic shit
one day you'll laugh and spill your bong
thinking back on these memories long gone
and wonder if it was time 'well spent',
or will you tell that thought, 'get bent'
so grow your grass and herbs, and weed,
replant forests full of trees,
Demonstrate the God ness you evoke.
Don't fall in line or into place,
your needed here this aint no race.
Fuck war and glory be,
open your eyes and see me








You could always step through the looking glass... but

Watching is sssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo easy!  :crazy2:


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OfflineBooby
Agent Mulder
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Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 3,781
Last seen: 7 years, 4 months
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: Grav]
    #4661725 - 09/14/05 09:03 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

I left college after one year so I really don't have a lot to say except that I still have some copies of those pictures you posted last year. Illusions & Drama



I guess you drew these back when it was recreational and fun and I still think they would make great posters and maybe you should chuck it all in and open a headshop or something :wink:


--------------------
Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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OfflineGrav
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Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Loc: Flag
Last seen: 4 years, 3 months
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: Booby]
    #4672808 - 09/17/05 04:07 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

hah wow.. i forgot about those, thanks for posting them


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OfflineEuphoria
watch theweatherchange...

Registered: 08/05/03
Posts: 344
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: Grav]
    #4673919 - 09/17/05 01:54 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Those are pretty awesome drawings


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Invisibledorkus
don't look back
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Registered: 04/12/04
Posts: 1,511
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: Grav]
    #4680803 - 09/19/05 04:15 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

That is wonderful art. Very spiritual. Reminds me of Dali. :sun:


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Invisiblelooner2
ABBA fan

Registered: 06/20/04
Posts: 3,849
Re: misplaced tired and uninspired [Re: dorkus]
    #4681390 - 09/19/05 12:21 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Aren't artists suppose to go through the flux of highs and lows when it comes to creativity. I thought bi-polar was a prerequisite for artists.


--------------------
I am in love with Acidic_Sloth



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