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Registered: 06/16/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Lost
Last seen: 8 years, 6 months
venting about my juvenile, self-destructive attitude
    #4623579 - 09/05/05 08:22 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Hey all. I'm not really looking for advice, just randomly venting, as I find typing this stuff out helps me think about it. There is no particular direction to this post, so don't expect anything too meaningful or interesting.

My health is shit, but I just don't care. I am stumbling through life with no direction, and I really dont care that much what happens tomorrow so long as all my friends and family remain safe and happy.

I am nearing the end of my engineering degree at one of the finest schools in my country, but I have no desire to be an engineer, no desire to really get any job at all. I work with troubled children in my other job, and while it gives me a warm cozy feeling of doing something good with my life, I dont really care if I ever work in it again or not.

I use some drugs from time to time, and I enjoy them, but the lifestyle it promotes is really not that healthy (ie. kebabs at 3 in the morning, beer for breakfast, bucket bongs for lunch, etc...). But I just can't see why it matters whether I am healthy or not. It all seems much the same. I am going to slog through this life, eventually becoming my father who is a cool guy but way too caught up with all the little things like money and stressing way too much... then I will die. Same as everyone else. Who cares if I die from a car crash at 30, lung cancer at 65 or liver disease at 80. I don't.

I am wondering whether all this apathy is from my marijuana use. I used to have ambition back in highschool when I was a total geek, but now I am in uni and I have great friends, I can go out and do whatever I want really (within the constraints of my rather limited student budget). So there is nothing to prove to anyone anymore, least of all myself.

People have it so much worse than me, so I try to help out where I can. Donate to charity, volounteer for this or that every now and then. But still it feels like I am just going through the motions of the same life millions of other people before me have lived.

So what else could I live for other than myself or charity? I could become spiritual, find a religion? Not interested. Faith and spirituality all just seems too wishy washy for me.

Art? meh... I have no taste for art except music, and even then I am not interested in creating, just listening is fine.

Love? Girls can be fun, but are incredibly frustrating creatures. I have no real skill with dealing with them either. If it ever got to the stage where I was living just for one other person, then what would that say about the rest of my life? I never want to become that dependant on one thing to keep me happy.

Making a big difference in the world? Too much effort.

I have been pretty much handed this pefect life, and I am incredibly grateful, and quite happy really... I am glad I have no serious problems. I just feel like everything is so... futile. Nothing I do matters one bit in the big picture, and even that doesnt bother me. I dont even care that I dont care. hah, good old apathy. Does anyone else feel this way?

I guess this might all just be because I havent smoked weed in about 4 days, and before then was about 3 weeks straight of smoking every day (the most I have ever smoked in my life). Maybe I am finally waking up from my stoned daze and trying to muster up some motivation to do anything other than the bare minimum to keep everyone around me from getting on my case.

Well, if you have read this far, thanks for reading. I hate to think that I sound like I am whinging. But no one is being forced to read this, and it puts a smile on my face to think that my pointless ramblings can affect people on the other side of the world.


clam  :tongue2:

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Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 2,649
Loc: Pennsylvania
Last seen: 11 years, 10 months
Re: venting about my juvenile, self-destructive attitude [Re: soma_victim]
    #4623602 - 09/05/05 08:31 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Good read.  Well written if I do say so myself.  :grin:

I can relate to you on a certain level.  I go through it in stages

usually.  One week, I am really happy and don't really think about

what I am going through.  Next week, everything seems somehow...

darker...in just some weird way... I can't really explain it.  And I

don't give a shit whether I hurt myself.  I do worry about hurting

others though, as you do.  I have never really been that motivated

to do anything.  I've been quite happy being perfectly mediocre and

viewing the great deeds of others from a distance.  I feel no need

whatsoever to be in the limelight.

I think we should just be happy to simply be.

Good luck in the future.  And remember, mediocrity is by no means

inferiority.  :thumbup:


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