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 WeAreAllOne
Opethian
Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 2,649
Loc: Pennsylvania
Last seen: 17 years, 11 months
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 I Have Lost The Will 
#4568430 - 08/22/05 09:36 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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I know you all have read countless posts about suicide and people
asking for advice on how to cope with the thoughts that preceed it.
I'm not posting to ask for advice because I know that the decision is
mine and mine alone. I don't know if any of you have read posts about
any events that occured in my life. I lost my father at a very young
age and since then I have never really had a close relationship with
anyone, including my immediate family members. Throughout my life,
I have felt an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I
know it may sound cliche, but I honestly did not see any reason to
continue this pointless existence. I only drug others down with my
hatred and despair. And that is the last thing I want... to drag
someone else down and put them in my position. Recently, however, I
have been spending some time with a very special girl who has made me
feel something new, self-worth. It is a confusing relationship and I
can honestly say I don't know if we are together or just very good
friends. Either way, I thoroughly enjoy spending time with her. Even
with this new influence in my life, I cannot help but feel hopeless.
Almost as if I made myself believe she is pretending to love me. I
can't let myself be loved and I hate me for it. I do not know what
direction my life is heading, if any. I want to help myself but I
just don't know how. I suppose only time will tell.
I apologize for the lengthy post. I really don't expect a reply here.
I was simply venting and sharing my experience with all of you. And
however things turn out, I want you all to know that I have nothing
but gratitude and love for every single one of you. You are the most
understanding and caring community that I have ever been a part of.
And they say drug users are bad people.
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 World Spirit
PNW
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 9,817
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: WeAreAllOne]
#4568567 - 08/22/05 10:00 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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What truly troubles you??
You must not turn ALL of your energy and focus on it.
If you have any desire to hear honest words directed at you, here is what I have to say:
Life does not have to start from the day you were born.
It does not have to start from the crushing days of adolescence and loss.
It does not have to start from the time you are all-too-single and distraught over early adulthood.
It can start when you decide to turn it on. Among many novice wise men is the teaching of rebirth (ie getting your "shit" erased and moving the fuck on - with or without the resin of the past dripping down the corridors of your inward person).
Note: Preceding swear words were merely for added emphasis. No offense intended if the reader should find offense in aforementioned vocabulary.
If you want to turn it on: pray and continue to peaceably and patiently pray. You may find yourself saying to yourself, "I have options & I have enough time" and "not my will but Thine."
One day at a time, my anonymous friend. One at a time.
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Holydiver
Stranger
Registered: 03/19/01
Posts: 5,156
Loc: The midnight sea
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: WeAreAllOne]
#4568630 - 08/22/05 10:09 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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Nurse this new situation with the girl. Afterall, real relationships are about the only thing of real value in this life, period. At least to me that is, and I'm sure you'll feel the same (if you don't already).
I wouldn't worry about this relationship being confusing. Here's some news for you: They're all confusing. Maybe you'll just be friends, and possibly this thing goes further. That parts not really important. Just enjoy the randomness and spontaneity of your youth for now. Filter through the heavy stuff later. I tried so hard to figure this shit out when I was young, if only someone would have told me to go along for the ride and turn my mind off....
And, as 38 Special said: "Just hold on loosely, but don't let go
If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control"
--------------------
To find a place to live between the negatives and positives.
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WeAreAllOne
Opethian
Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 2,649
Loc: Pennsylvania
Last seen: 17 years, 11 months
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I think what truly troubles me is this:
I have had depression in the past and live with anxiety and, I'm sure,
some other social disorders. I know the worst of the depression is
over, but I still find it incredibly difficult to enjoy things. The
biggest problem that I have, in my eyes, is that I cannot, no matter
how hard I try, make myself believe that I am loved. It feels like
my mind knows for certain that the person loves me, but my soul, or
my heart... or something... won't allow me to believe it. I know it
may be normal for most people to feel this at some point in their
lives, but for the entire time I have been here? Something is wrong.
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MXNR
Did the Mushroom choose you?
Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 406
Loc: MARS
Last seen: 3 years, 7 months
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: Holydiver]
#4568678 - 08/22/05 10:18 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hey All,
I really enjoyed the advice you gave Enter, it really got to me.
Hi, WeAreAllOne. I have thought many times about this same question: "Why Go on?" I don't have an answer, but I do know that things such as love, and goodness, and peace DO exist in this world. Sure, they exist alongside lonliness, destruction, and hatred, but they still exist for those willing to cultivate them. Good luck. And I hope things go swell for you and your friend!
--------------------
Master: Everyday change your clothes and eat your food and you will become enlightened.
Pupil: Master, I do not understand...
Master: If you don't understand, eat your food and change your clothes.
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ToolTroll
tourettic
Registered: 08/02/04
Posts: 2,326
Loc: N. Cack
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 Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: Holydiver]
#4568686 - 08/22/05 10:20 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
Holydiver said:
Nurse this new situation with the girl. Afterall, real relationships are about the only thing of real value in this life, period.....I wouldn't worry about this relationship being confusing. Here's some news for you: They're all confusing. Maybe you'll just be friends, and possibly this thing goes further. That parts not really important.
Great post, great advice!
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"This whole idea that different is bad, that a change in consciousness is in itself harmful, is really one of the fundamental problems inherent in the drug war.” - Rick Doblin
my cactus collection
You vote with your dollars. Everyday. Vote responsibly.
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MXNR
Did the Mushroom choose you?
Registered: 07/20/04
Posts: 406
Loc: MARS
Last seen: 3 years, 7 months
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: WeAreAllOne]
#4568741 - 08/22/05 10:27 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hey Man,
In my opinion you are thinking about the interaction between yourself and your friend a little too much. I have the same problem, but some times it's best to just coast and enjoy the moment. Humans have been creating relationships with one another before we (our slight ancestors actually) even had the ability to verbalize. It's very simple. People enjoy the company of another which seems to be friendly and interesting, perhaps sexy too.
I'm not trying to explain to you something that you already know, I'm just hoping this reminder may put things in perspective. You seem like a very smart brain, but being to cerebral about something like being loved, borders on the neurotic. We can never jump into another's brain and know that they love us (would be a useful ability though). All we can do, is be ourselves, enjoy their company and see by their actions and emotional responses their level of affection towards us.
I wish you the best. Be grateful for your nagging, painful mind! At least it is aware! More than we can say for most people!
--------------------
Master: Everyday change your clothes and eat your food and you will become enlightened.
Pupil: Master, I do not understand...
Master: If you don't understand, eat your food and change your clothes.
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WeAreAllOne
Opethian
Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 2,649
Loc: Pennsylvania
Last seen: 17 years, 11 months
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: ToolTroll]
#4568751 - 08/22/05 10:31 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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You're all right. The only thing I can do is try. By thinking it
can only get worse I am making it get worse. I will give everything
I have to the relationship with this very special girl, whether it
goes the way I want it to or not. I have never felt so strongly for
anyone before and I am not about to lose her.
And in case you didn't know, you taking the time to reply means
more than you probably think. It lets me know at least a few care.
And one person caring could mean the difference between me sticking
around or not. Thank you all so much.
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World Spirit
PNW
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 9,817
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: WeAreAllOne]
#4568757 - 08/22/05 10:33 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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WeAreAllOne
Opethian
Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 2,649
Loc: Pennsylvania
Last seen: 17 years, 11 months
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: MXNR]
#4568758 - 08/22/05 10:34 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
MXNR said:
I wish you the best. Be grateful for your nagging, painful mind! At least it is aware! More than we can say for most people!
Hehe, it is more than we can say for most. But I wish it would take
a break once in a while. 
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Newbie
User of semicolons.
Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 24,716
Loc: SoCal
Last seen: 5 hours, 28 minutes
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: WeAreAllOne]
#4569554 - 08/23/05 06:19 AM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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You mentioned that the last thing you want to do is drag others down. That's a caring quality not a lot of people posess these days...why don't you try to put that to use to aid others? I know when I'm depressed as all hell, giving advice and comforting others gives me a little more hope to this world. Try it out. 
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WeAreAllOne
Opethian
Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 2,649
Loc: Pennsylvania
Last seen: 17 years, 11 months
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: Newbie]
#4570064 - 08/23/05 09:46 AM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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Maybe I will do that. I'll spend more time in this forum trying to
help others rather than complaining myself. 
Thanks guys.
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Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,089
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: WeAreAllOne]
#4570423 - 08/23/05 11:10 AM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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I disagree with the idea that you can create happiness and well-being by focusing on others.
While human connection is wonderful, and can be both fulfilling and inspiring, it cannot give you what you refuse to give yourself.
I like this metaphor: your "heart" (sense of being loved and being capable of loving others) is a bottomless well.
Your love and acceptance of yourself could be symbolized as a large boulder, roughly the same diameter as the bottomless well. When you build the strength to lift this boulder, through intense personal work and inner confrontation of the limits you have set on your love, you can toss it into the well of your heart, creating a "bottom," a sense of enough.
The love and acceptance which others offer you can be symbolized as pebbles. While they may be shiny, colorful, even semi-precious stones, they can never fill you up if your well is bottomless. They can toss their well-meant pebbles into your heart for a lifetime, and you will still have the sense that you are empty and unloved.
But if you have created a foundation for these beautiful pebbles to land on, your heart will feel full to overflowing from the love others give you. Likewise, you will be able to give love to them from a sense of fullness and plenty, not emptiness and scarcity.
IMO this is the only way to love and feel loved.
Edited by Veritas (08/23/05 11:10 AM)
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WeAreAllOne
Opethian
Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 2,649
Loc: Pennsylvania
Last seen: 17 years, 11 months
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: Veritas]
#4570469 - 08/23/05 11:19 AM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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Veritas, that is so beautiful that my eyes are watering.
Responses like that are the reason I love this community.
That is my problem exactly. Others do love me, but I won't allow
myself to be content. I have to confront this and change, but I'm
just not sure how.
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VarthDader
Lark Sord ofDith
Registered: 08/21/05
Posts: 37
Loc: Uranus
Last seen: 18 years, 6 months
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: WeAreAllOne]
#4570532 - 08/23/05 11:34 AM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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I hate to sound to much like Yoda, but thats the solution :
there is no "how"
you see, the whole idea of "I have to change"
is whats causing all the trouble
you don?t have to change ... It will never be possible for you to change
you are you, exactly the way you are, and its no use trying to run away from it
embrace it ... embrace yourself, and stop wanting to change
yes, maybe you have a nagging mind, .. use it for something ... its up to you really ... If you don?t use it for something positive, who will??
And believe me ... the moment you realize "OK ; I have a nagging mind ; What can I do with it"
then you will realize that its ALL UP TO YOU, and that you can do whatever you want with this nagging mind
sure, you are not perfect .. I don?t know you, you might be depressive and ugly and what-do-I-know ... Im sure someone else is more perfect ... Im sure someone else is less
who cares? Its not going to change anything sitting around whining about it
(believe me, I?ve spend some years simply complaining and feeling bad)
I to have a nigging mind ... And Im not very rich or fantastic looking either
Do you want to know a secret?
most people in this world are not really that happy about themselves...
they sit at home thinking about "how can I improve --- how can I change myself into something "better"
and very often this is "life"
this is our life
we sit at home, hiding and wishing for "change" , when at the same time, life is passing by right outside the window
DO SOMETHING
don?t think about doing something
its two completely different things
thinking does nothing
doing does everything
there are millions and millions of girls out there
its good you have found one who is special
do your best to keep her ... there is really nothing to loose
and if you do loose anyway ... there are millions and millions of girls out there
open yourself to the world
don?t be affraid to show us your nagging mind and your depressive thoughts
somewhere out here, I guarantee you, ... somewhere out here are millions and millions of people just like your self ... scared of living and scared of taking a chance
we are all in the same boat you know
yes, I know some people pretend they are not ...
but most of us are
Most likely you have many many many years yet to live
trust me, its not too bad
and you have a great deal of influence on the "badness-level" your self
best whishes and good luck to you in the future
Edited by varthdader (08/23/05 11:37 AM)
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Grav
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: WeAreAllOne]
#4570575 - 08/23/05 11:44 AM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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you will never know exactly when or how to change
you'll never be totally prepared for what life offers
but you're
alive
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: WeAreAllOne]
#4572221 - 08/23/05 07:24 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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Listen to me. You are one cool guy. But you don't know it because you weren't shown it in your childhood. You need to teach it to yourself. My advice is to hang in for awhile. You are most likely afraid of losing what this girl represents. Closeness and love. You don't think you deserve it or could ever have it. But your heart is tender and open. You have all the raw materials for awakening. More than most. So take your lumps, open your heart and take a chance, but in the end you will have to learn about loving yourself exactally the way you are now and each now forever. This takes time and courage. You shouldn't give up IMO. You have such a great heart. It's broken right now, but it can heal. 
--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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WeAreAllOne
Opethian
Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 2,649
Loc: Pennsylvania
Last seen: 17 years, 11 months
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: Icelander]
#4575342 - 08/24/05 03:22 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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I've been looking for a way to put that into words and you have done
it. I am afraid of losing what the girl represents. I am only afraid
to lose her in particular because it has occured to me that losing her
and what she represents may not be regained. I must teach myself
that there are other ways and other people who care. I will try my
very best to accept myself, no matter how long it takes. I thank you
all so much for the encouragement and support.
I may owe you my life.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: WeAreAllOne]
#4575489 - 08/24/05 04:09 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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You will save your own life. I am glad to be your friend. I noticed your heart and I felt you were experiencing a spiritual crisis. This comes in the life of everyone weather they seek to grow or not. It's called by some the "dark night of the soul". On the other side of this is the beginning of your joy and freedom. It will be hard work and you will meet many obsticles on the journey. You will also meet with unexpected success along the way. I am so glad to see you choosing the warriors way. You got heart and courage.
I am always available for a chat via PM. It helps to connect with those on your path. I am one and have the same work to do.
--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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browndustin
dustybuddy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 2,957
Last seen: 9 years, 11 months
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Re: I Have Lost The Will [Re: Icelander]
#4575598 - 08/24/05 04:49 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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No matter how bad you have it, or how bad you perceive things to be there is always "better". Things have the potential to get better, friends and relationships can get better, your life and your view of things can and will get better if you stick to it.
I don't know if I could personally post any advice that could top what's been said or will be by our other members, but I've felt the same way that you have before. There's a point where you honestly have yourself convinced that things would never be exciting and content, but that's something that you can get past. Things are wonderful, and worth fighting for.
Find it in yourself, man. It's there. It may take lots of soul searching but if you focus your energy on the more positive side of things and relax on the harsh thoughts, it will happen to you. There have been points in my life where I could not fathom myself even sitting here at this computer and being somewhat content, but hey, I stuck with it. I almost hit the breaking point but I realized that life's fucking, fucking great. And it's worth fighting for.
Don't let stupid shit stop you from feeling awesome. Sometimes I almost have to pinch myself because I can't believe that I live this awesome life each day. It's incredible. Even when it doesn't feel like it, you're the one who's in control. You ultimately steer your life in the direction it'll sail, so don't let other people or factors contribute to a less than stellar existence. I'm a little pressed for time these days but if you ever want to PM me, then don't hesitate at all. Other members here are awesome and probably yield more experiences and advice than I do, but I could always drop what I'm doing to exchange a few words.
--------------------
When the stress burns my brain it's like acid raindrops
maryjane is the only thing that makes the pain stop
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