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 TYL3R
 
Registered: 11/19/04
Posts: 17,493
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 Please read ! 
#4572621 - 08/23/05 08:44 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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I just started writing a while ago.
Here is a excerpt from a short story of mine. Criticism is needed ! Be gentle 
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I stepped down and out of my red S10, shut the door, and walked toward the gas station. I grabbed the cold metallic handle and pushed. The cool air hit my face and I grinned( it?s hard not to when the temp outside is 100+). I gave the rows and aisles of this uniform gas station a once-over and directed my eyes toward the counter. There stood a short girl with red hair. She had thick eye-brows and a bone structure that made her look Asian, although she was Caucasian. I looked around and noticed no one else.
?Hi?.
?What?s up,?? Jen pushed back with a mischievous grin.
?Can I get a Dutch??
?Can I see some ID?? she replied.
?sure.? I reached into my back pocket and grabbed my wallet. I tore it open and grabbed my newly attained drivers license. I handed it to her ; she took it and gave it a look. ?Obviously she knows I'm under eighteen? I thought.
?Classic?? Jen asked. ?Yeah?
This was just a repeat of a system I had worked out with Jen , my girlfriend?s-brother?s girlfriend. Jen knew me through Ashley, my girlfriend. Ash had told her about this system and Jen didn?t have a problem with it.
Jen put the blunt and my license on the counter. ?That?ll be one - seven?
I handed her two dollars.
?Out of two..? she mumbled.
?Receipt ??
?No thanks.?
I turned around and glided past a old women, and to the door. I felt the bass from my truck before I opened the door, and saw Dustin bobbing his head to the beat that I felt in my chest. I chuckled as I walked toward my truck. Dustin immediately turned down the volume of the rap song as I opened the door.
?What took you so long?? he said.
?What are you talking about?? ?I was in there for like two minutes.?
?Whatever.....did you get vanilla ??
?Naw they were out? I lied.
I handed him the blunt and turned the ignition. The truck rumbled to life and without haste I threw it in reverse. I backed out, switched it to drive, and squealed onto the highway. Once I hit 60 I clicked cruise control and glanced at Dustin. He had already split the blunt and was looking for something to empty the to tobacco in.
?You got...?
?Yeah? I interrupted.
I reached behind his seat and grabbed a brown bag that was lying in the floor of the cab.
?Aight? Dustin said.
I looked at the road. 100 ft ahead the light was yellow. ?Go? I thought. I put pressure on the gas pedal and the RPMs rose. I was 80 feet away. Yellow. 40, Yellow. 20, It turned red. I was already going too fast to stop. ?Fuck it.? I whispered. I pulled through and let out a sigh.
?That?ll get you a ticket? Dustin spoke quietly.
?Naw?
We pulled up at Ashley house. I put the truck in park and turned it off. It was getting dusk. Dustin had finished rolling the blunt, it looked decent. We both converged toward Ashley?s front door. ?You?re getting good at this? I said as I twirled the Dutch in my hand. ? Man, I was always good? he retorted.
I arrived at the door first. Anxious to see her. I knocked on the cheap sliding glass door that led inside her bedroom. ?Open up.? Her ugly blinds made it impossible for me to see inside, so out of nowhere I heard the CLICK of the latch being unlocked. I pulled open the door, moved the white plastic blinds out of the way and gazed at her magnificence. ?...the most beautiful thing on this planet? I thought. She smiled and I returned it. Then I squeezed her tight against my chest. Dustin slithered by, rolled his eyes, and closed the bathroom door. I released her and she gave me a kiss. ?How you doin? ?? she said with a smile that could light a cave. ?I?m doin? fine now.? I said. Dustin came out of the bathroom
?You got a lighter?? he asked Ashley. ?Yeah, it?s in the drawer.? She pointed to a small bedside table.
I sat down on the bed with her by my side. Dustin emerged from the drawer with a Bic. He sat next to Ash, put the blunt in his mouth and lit it. He puffed it three times, took a short inhale and gave it to Ashley. She reversed it with the lit end inside her mouth, I cupped my hands around her face, inhaled and felt the smoke fill my lungs. Then my current world dissipated in a cloud of smoke.
-edit-
Edited by TYL3R (08/23/05 09:17 PM)
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CaptainH13
Scum
Registered: 10/29/04
Posts: 10,287
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 Re: Please read ! [Re: TYL3R]
#4572626 - 08/23/05 08:45 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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hey,MY name is Dustin!...
sorry i didn't read it yet,just noticed my name...
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TYL3R
Registered: 11/19/04
Posts: 17,493
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READ IT ZOMBO !
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In(di)go
People of the sun.
Registered: 10/29/00
Posts: 8,157
Loc: Cologne, Germany
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Re: Please read ! [Re: TYL3R]
#4572665 - 08/23/05 08:51 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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not bad... but what strikes out in a kind of negative way is the gmc and quicksilver... seems like product placement hehehehe... other than that it's pretty decent, although it seems more of an introduction than an actual short story... what happens next is whan i wondered when i finished reading it
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CaptainH13
Scum
Registered: 10/29/04
Posts: 10,287
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Re: Please read ! [Re: TYL3R]
#4572678 - 08/23/05 08:52 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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ok,it' kind cool but i think it's too,uhh...
wha'd ya call it,haha...
your going into to much detail,and it looses some of it's flow,it takes a rather short event,and makes it loose it's "flow" from telling you every single step that went on....
did that make any since?
but i still like ti,pretty coolstuff...
(btw,i'm writing some too,it's in my jounal"the times" ...)
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TYL3R
Registered: 11/19/04
Posts: 17,493
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Re: Please read ! [Re: In(di)go]
#4572694 - 08/23/05 08:54 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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I cant write anymore until i get stoned 
As for the GMC and quicksilver - it's just the truth. I drive a Red S10, and have a quicksilver wallet. 
If it would be more accepted i could take those out.
Thanks for the suggestions ! It feels good to have someone read my stuff. 
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 TheCrawlingKing
Lost Soul
Registered: 08/14/05
Posts: 982
Last seen: 18 years, 1 month
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Re: Please read ! [Re: TYL3R]
#4572704 - 08/23/05 08:56 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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That's pretty good read man, I kinda take back what I said about you before. Only problem is that it ends in a kinda awkward place.
One other thing - are we to assume that this took place in Holland, or some time in America's optimistic future? 
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TheDude
is waiting forthe peak
Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 2,876
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Re: Please read ! [Re: TYL3R]
#4572714 - 08/23/05 08:57 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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I feel like I just read an advertisment for GMC, Quicksilver and Taco Bell
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"this lebowski he called himself 'the dude'. now, 'dude', that's a name no one would self-apply where i come from but there was a lot about the dude that didn't make sense to me...."--the Stranger
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TYL3R
Registered: 11/19/04
Posts: 17,493
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Quote:
CaptainH13 said:
ok,it' kind cool but i think it's too,uhh...
wha'd ya call it,haha...
your going into to much detail,and it looses some of it's flow,it takes a rather short event,and makes it loose it's "flow" from telling you every single step that went on....
did that make any since?
but i still like ti,pretty coolstuff...
(btw,i'm writing some too,it's in my jounal"the times"...)
I also felt this as i was writing it ! I'm trying to get the reader to picture what's happening, and it kinda fucks it up
Thanks, cap-i-tan! I'll check out your journal.
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THE KRAT BARON
one-eyed willie
Registered: 07/08/03
Posts: 42,409
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Re: Please read ! [Re: TYL3R]
#4572753 - 08/23/05 09:03 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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Not too bad at all man! Definitely left me wondering what happened next though.
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m00nshine is currently vacationing in Maui. Rumor has it he got rolled by drunken natives and is currently prostituting himself in order to pay for airfare back to the mainland but he's having trouble juggling a hairon addiction. He won't be back for a long while.
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TYL3R
Registered: 11/19/04
Posts: 17,493
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Quote:
TheCrawlingKing said:
That's pretty good read man, I kinda take back what I said about you before.
No problem. I dont take anything seriously.
Quote:
Only problem is that it ends in a kinda awkward place.
It's not finished at all. I havent had time to add to it lately...
Quote:
are we to assume that this took place in Holland, or some time in America's optimistic future?
What do you mean exactly 
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TheCrawlingKing
Lost Soul
Registered: 08/14/05
Posts: 982
Last seen: 18 years, 1 month
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Re: Please read ! [Re: TYL3R]
#4572817 - 08/23/05 09:18 PM (18 years, 7 months ago) |
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The fact that you went into a store and asked for a 'blunt'. 
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TYL3R
Registered: 11/19/04
Posts: 17,493
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Dutch.
I see what you mean tho. But that's how it is.
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