Home | Community | Message Board


Mycohaus
Please support our sponsors.

Community >> The Pub

Welcome to the Shroomery Message Board! You are experiencing a small sample of what the site has to offer. Please login or register to post messages and view our exclusive members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, file attachments, board customizations, encrypted private messages, and much more!

Amazon Shop for: Tacos

Jump to first unread post. Pages: 1 | 2 | Next >  [ show all ]
OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster.
    #4556324 - 08/19/05 08:04 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

I'm pretty sure I have some form of social anxiety disorder. You know the feeling of recognition you get when you see some one you know on the street? You haven't bothered to call him or her in a while. On the same token, he or she hasn't bothered to call you in a while either. It's at this point you're torn between saying 'Hello' or at least offering a nod of acknowledgement.

Every time I have one of these encounters, I don't do anything. I look the other way as soon as I recognize that person. Unless he or she makes a move to say 'Lovely day isn't it? That haircut looks smashing on you!' I just walk on by and pray they didn't recognize me.

Funny thing is this happens with people I see everyday too. I could see one of my friends on the street, and I won't say anything. I do this to family members too. It must be some sort of disorder. That's why I have an imaginary psychiatrist to help me. His name is Gordon. He lives in my head.

So anyhow, because I live in a shitty city in a shitty province everyone knows everyone else. It's like living in a small town, only with a 711. My small town didn't have a 7/11. The slurpee machine at our local hangout had to be turned on when you got there. If you didn't wait long enough, you got this shitty slush foam that tasted like coke flavored ass.

I really don't know everyone, but I am a creature of routine so I start to recognize a lot of the people on my daily route. There's the fat manager at Starbucks that thinks I masturbate in the bathroom every time I use it. There's the creepy black guy at the 7/11 that is a low talker. I can never fucking understand him. I think he hit on me once. Either that or he was asking if I wanted the new Jessica Simpson c.d. Doesn't matter. I already have it.

The background cast of old people, homeless guys and drunken Indians fills up the rest of the docket. We recognize one another, but we don't know anyone's names. This is the sort of situation I enjoy. There is no expectation of the cordial 'Hello' or 'I still have that sweater you leant me and I wear it everyday and think about you and touch myself when I'm wearing it.'

Now, since I don't acknowledge people I know and like, imagine what I do to people I dislike. That's right - nothing. I treat people I absolutely loathe with the same regard I use on people I can stand for the length of a feature film. Except for maybe Shelley. She likes to talk during movies and most of the time it's boring shit. Her favorite fucking movie is Pearl Harbor. She dragged me to it seven times.

Now do you understand why I need an imaginary psychiatrist?

This week was my sister's birthday. We went to Red Lobster. I fucking hate seafood, so I knew that the meal was going to be hell right off the bat. The smell of fish would be all around me. The swirling eddies of shrimp, prawns and clam chowder would be pounding my already fragile senses. Not to mention the fact that my mother, father and sister would be there, raping my ears with their incessant nonsense. My mother would be scolding me for not calling all the time to chat about the birds that die hitting the living room windows of the house. My father would be telling me about his stupid tractor or about how I need a new windshield for my car. And my sister would be there, asking when I'd take her out to a bar.

This isn't quite hell for me. This is more of a purgatory.

Throw in a person from high school and you have hell.

We walk into the Red Lobster. I saw a Taco Bell next door so I whined to my father, asking if they could order me tacos from next door.

He gave me the look he usually reserves for moments when I am at my complete worst in public. Like the time I went on a swearing tirade in the middle of a Sears Tire Center at the cost of windshield wipers. I don't even know how much windshield wipers are supposed to cost, but god dammit those cunts who priced them priced them too fucking high.

We were lead on a parade through the restaurant. I felt like the last float in the moron parade. I wasn't really a float. I was more of the street cleaner that sweeps up all the horse crap.

Now, this is where that bitch Fate steps in. Fate fucking hates me because I think her sister, Coincidence, is hotter. Fuck you, Fate. Quit calling my house at three in the morning to try to get back together. It's over.

We get stuck the table right at the back of the restaurant. At the table next to us is Andrea.

Andrea was a skank. Andrea was bulimic. Andrea was the valedictorian. Andrea was the biggest bitch in my old high school. I fucking hated her.

I was frozen in my seat. I wanted to crawl under the table and pretend I wasn't there. What the hell was going through my head? Why am I acting like such a fucking douche all of a sudden? Oh yeah, because seeing some one from high school has awoken the long dormant high school part of my brain.

I excused myself to the bathroom after I had ordered. I was already losing my slight grip on sanity having to sit close enough to hear her. Worst of all, I was stupid enough to point out to my mother that she was there. The kink in my neck from not turning my head all night was going to push me over the edge. Combine that with my mother's stupid questions (Who is she with? Are you really bothered by this? What do you think they made this clam chowder with? Why didn't you wear a clean shirt?) and I'm going straight over the edge and into a pool of sharks and tigers and fire ants.

Hiding in the bathroom of Red Lobster, I consulted Gordon on what I should do.

Me: I'm so fucked. She recognizes me. She has to. Fuck I hate her.

Gordon: You're acting like a chick. Just pull your head out of your ass and smack the bitch in the face and spit on her tits.

Me: She doesn't have any tits. And for a psychiatrist, you sure do swear a lot.

Gordon: Fucktard, I'm imaginary. You will not get over all the terrible memories from high school you're still agonizing over if you don't do something. Be polite. Make polite conversation. Be a man for fuck's sake.

Me: I'd still rather not.

Gordon: Fine. Then spear tackle her when she's leaving the table and cause a scene. Get thrown out and go over to Taco Bell.

Me: Fair enough.

Voice from outside the stall: Sir, are you okay in there?

Me: Do you want a lie or the truth?

Voice: Which is worse?

Me: The truth won't make any sense and the lie will let you walk away with a clear conscious.

Voice: I'm just going to leave and pretend this never happened.

Me: That's a good idea.

Gordon: You better get out of here before your mom comes looking for you.

Me: Lot of help you've been. What the hell am I paying you for?

Gordon: You know, maybe you should see a real psychiatrist.

Me: How about I do that when the Maple Leafs win the Stanley cup, asshole.

I returned to the table and ate in the uncomfortable silence of eavesdropping, as my family tried to listen in on what was going on at the next table. Morons. I just wanted to eat my fucking chicken salad and get out. Chicken salad. That was the only thing on the menu that didn't have fish in it. The stupid salad had apples in it. I even had to make sure the bread didn't have fish in it before eating it.

Finally, we were done eating. I thanked God that they hadn't sent all the waiters our to sing for my sister's birthday. Do restaurants still do that? I sure as hell hope not.

My family was a good distance away from I finally pulled myself away from the table. That's when something strange happened. When I stood to leave, Andrea grabbed my wrist.

Andrea: Good to see you!

Me: Ugh, nice day isn't it? Lovely weather we're having...

Andrea: Did you have a good meal.

Me: I um...No because I had to listen to your whorish voice the whole night, talking about nothing.

Andrea: What did you just say?

Me: CHINESE NINJA ROBOT ROCKET ATTACK!

I grabbed the basket of bread on her table and tossed it in her face. I ran out, knocking over an elderly man and a potted plant. My mother scolded me in the car, but I didn't care. I told me dad to step on it. He pulled away at a normal speed, shaking his head. Perhaps now the old memories of high school will return to their solid steel cage in my mind.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4556345 - 08/19/05 08:11 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

I know it's long. But, read!

Lazy fucks!

I need to go cry in my bathroom now.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
InvisibleShroomismM
Space Travellin
Male User Gallery
Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 02/13/00
Posts: 64,424
Loc: 9th Dimension Flag
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4556358 - 08/19/05 08:15 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

The forest is calling

KAW!!! KAW!!!!


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineSchwip
Never sleeps.
 User Gallery

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 3,937
Last seen: 4 years, 11 days
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4556381 - 08/19/05 08:23 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

:thumbup:      :grin:


--------------------
--------------------------------

" If the sky were to suddenly open up there would be no law. There would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories... the choices you've made, and the people you've touched. If this world were to end there would only be you and him and no-one else. "

..............

"MAN! You know there aint no such thing as left over crack!"



Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineSerioOria
?!one#!>?

Registered: 07/23/05
Posts: 566
Loc: upstate, SC
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4556383 - 08/19/05 08:24 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

DUDE, I LOVE IT!!!


omfg, you gota put together a short story collaboration for me, i love your stuff

Quote:

Voice from outside the stall: Sir, are you okay in there?

Me: Do you want a lie or the truth?

Voice: Which is worse?

Me: The truth won't make any sense and the lie will let you walk away with a clear conscious.

Voice: I'm just going to leave and pretend this never happened.

Me: That's a good idea.





haha, that was awesome, i loved the whole sequence where you were talking to the psychiatrist in your head


--------------------
Live every day like it is your first
or
Live every day like it is your last
My ArT!!


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Offlinefreddurgan
Techgnostic
Male

Registered: 01/11/04
Posts: 3,648
Last seen: 4 years, 6 months
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4556647 - 08/19/05 09:55 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Seriously, I laughed out loud like 8 times while reading that.


--------------------
Ishmael
http://www.ishmael.org

Ron Paul 2008!
http://www.ronpaul2008.com/


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Offlinedr0mni
My Own Messiah
 User Gallery

Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 2,921
Loc: USF Tampa, Fl
Last seen: 9 years, 5 months
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: freddurgan]
    #4556782 - 08/19/05 10:49 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Dude! You need to try and write to get published! You are funny as hell and very creative! If you wrote seriously (and by seriously, I only mean not for the amusement of an internet community) you could probably get somewhere!

"Now, this is where that bitch Fate steps in. Fate fucking hates me because I think her sister, Coincidence, is hotter. Fuck you, Fate. Quit calling my house at three in the morning to try to get back together. It's over."

HAHAHA!! Genius!


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Offlinefresh313
journeyman
 User Gallery

Registered: 09/02/03
Posts: 2,537
Last seen: 5 years, 7 months
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4556817 - 08/19/05 11:03 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

dr0mni said:
Dude! You need to try and write to get published! You are funny as hell and very creative! If you wrote seriously (and by seriously, I only mean not for the amusement of an internet community) you could probably get somewhere!





great story  :thumbup:


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflinePS_Cubes
Searching...
 User Gallery

Registered: 01/30/05
Posts: 393
Loc: ...for LSD
Last seen: 8 years, 7 months
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: dr0mni]
    #4556829 - 08/19/05 11:06 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

That is really good man, I was immersed into your world!  :smile2: :thumbup:


--------------------


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
InvisibleStonerguy
I smoke penis
Male

Registered: 05/29/04
Posts: 5,538
Loc: Lost
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: fresh313]
    #4556866 - 08/19/05 11:18 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

dr0mni said:
Dude! You need to try and write to get published! You are funny as hell and very creative! If you wrote seriously (and by seriously, I only mean not for the amusement of an internet community) you could probably get somewhere!





Really man your short storys are so funny.  Just right for me, no more than a 10 minute read but funny as hell :thumbup: :thumbup:.


--------------------
yawn...
SG


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Offlinebaraka
Male User Gallery

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 07/16/00
Posts: 10,701
Loc: ohio
Last seen: 1 day, 24 minutes
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4556910 - 08/19/05 11:35 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Hah that was good shit.


--------------------
This is the only time I really feel alive.


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
InvisibleTYL3R
Male User Gallery

Registered: 11/19/04
Posts: 17,473
Loc: Chico Flag
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Stonerguy]
    #4557012 - 08/20/05 12:16 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Ten minute ?

damn i must read uber-fast then... it took like 2-3mins to read.

Funny shit btw


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
InvisibleBi0TeK
elephant man

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 3,002
Loc: Yorkshire Moors, Great Br...
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4557037 - 08/20/05 12:26 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Heinous_Anus said:
Me: CHINESE NINJA ROBOT ROCKET ATTACK!





Ninjas are from Japan actually  :tongue:

--------------------



--------------------
PROMOTE BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Bi0TeK]
    #4557046 - 08/20/05 12:28 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Damnit, that ruined the basis of my entire story.  :frown:

Damn you, and your knowledge of Ninjas!  :tongue:


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Invisiblemantis
Male User Gallery

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 5,235
Loc: Bunker Alpha, GMC Flag
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4557048 - 08/20/05 12:29 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

You're like a straight David Sedaris on crack!


--------------------


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: mantis]
    #4557347 - 08/20/05 01:51 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Who is David Sedaris?

Yes, I am ashamed for not knowing!


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Invisiblemantis
Male User Gallery

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 5,235
Loc: Bunker Alpha, GMC Flag
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4557352 - 08/20/05 01:54 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

He's a hilarious and intelligent author, a regular on NPR

biography: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Sedaris

a few of his works (RealPlayer needed):
http://www.thislife.org/pages/descriptions/97/87.html
http://www.thislife.org/pages/descriptions/96/27.html


--------------------


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineBrugman
antisobrietarian
Male

Registered: 05/17/01
Posts: 15,887
Loc: the land up over
Last seen: 3 years, 7 months
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4557439 - 08/20/05 02:20 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Hah, some parts seemed like a script from a movie.

I dont know you so I'm not sure if that was serious or not, but I'm guessing not. Funny, either way.


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineBrekkFu
Stranger
Registered: 04/05/05
Posts: 108
Loc: US... =(
Last seen: 6 months, 16 days
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Brugman]
    #4557596 - 08/20/05 03:27 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

literally LOL. You are an amazing writer.


--------------------
"If the words 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness' don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the Declaration of Independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on."
-Terrence McKenna


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Offlinedomite
Puppet
Male User Gallery
Registered: 04/12/03
Posts: 2,978
Loc: Who's askin'?
Last seen: 3 years, 3 months
Re: Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Lobster. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4557653 - 08/20/05 03:51 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

that was fucking brilliant!!! :laugh:


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Jump to top. Pages: 1 | 2 | Next >  [ show all ]

Amazon Shop for: Tacos

Community >> The Pub

Similar ThreadsPosterViewsRepliesLast post
* revenge starts here
( 1 2 all )
wearejellyfish 2,532 25 01/11/08 12:24 PM
by why_not_me
* Need some ideas on revenge
( 1 2 3 all )
ApJunkie 2,154 49 08/04/07 01:20 PM
by wutang
* I need to get revenge...
( 1 2 3 all )
lexmark 2,412 52 03/25/09 01:49 PM
by slickvic
* Revenge tactics
( 1 2 all )
Morphrying 2,836 37 03/09/10 09:37 AM
by Epilson Lyrae
* Revenge
( 1 2 3 all )
Gratos 2,005 45 04/12/08 12:57 PM
by Nibin
* Revenge Ideas? Buddha5254 771 11 10/06/06 05:57 PM
by LosAngelesGraff
* Messages on rear windshields Mushouse 522 3 02/21/08 06:45 PM
by Psy Baba
* Who would win in a fight, Ninja or Samurai?
( 1 2 3 all )
Edge 3,199 40 03/15/05 02:19 AM
by Pathos

Extra information
You cannot start new topics / You cannot reply to topics
HTML is disabled / BBCode is enabled
Moderator: Entire Staff
2,379 topic views. 26 members, 98 guests and 46 web crawlers are browsing this forum.
[ Toggle Favorite | Print Topic | Stats ]
Search this thread:
Azarius
Please support our sponsors.

Copyright 1997-2016 Mind Media. Some rights reserved.

Generated in 0.053 seconds spending 0.002 seconds on 16 queries.