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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend.
    #4551905 - 08/18/05 04:23 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Honey,

I'm sorry I forgot to get you flowers or candy today. Instead, I'm going to write you this message that comes straight from my heart. Or, more aptly, the part of my brain that's not filled with useless facts about World War Two or Easter Island. I know you're into that emotional shit so at least this will save me the $20 I was going to waste at the gas station on my way over to your house. I don't even know what kind of stupid flowers you like so I might have bought the kind that would kill you.

Think about it. Would you be madder if I killed you or if I didn't get you stupid flowers? It makes a lot of sense if you're not retarded. Not that you're retarded or anything. You're just a little slow when it comes to things like math, directions and breathing.

Anyhow, you're a stand up chick. Here are some reasons why:

- You think the hairs on my nipples are sexy, even the really long one that's at least a foot long.

- You let me put it in your butt and didn't make me pay for all the medication it took to heal the anal tearing. Nothing is hotter than that.

- You peed in the shower and didn't get mad when I got drunk at your family reunion and told everyone that. Then I fell onto your uncle's lap and vomited all over your pregnant cousin. You only dropped me off five miles from my house. That is true love.

- You love it when I drop you off at the mall and then promise to pick you up in two hours, only to get distracted by an ambulance and forget to come get you. You look cute when you're all wet from the rain. I know I should've at least offered you a towel when you came inside, but I needed them to mop up the water from the pee sword fight I had with my dad.

- You love getting me beer from the fridge. Your favorite part is when I smack you on the ass to give you some hustle.

- You only cried for an hour when I pointed out that you were getting fat. Maybe a little longer. I closed the bedroom door and turned the television up real loud around the hour mark. Simpsons was on.

- You thought it was cute when I stuck my cell phone in your cleavage so I wouldn't lose it when we were walking in the park and I filled up my pockets with feed for the ducks. It's not my fault those ducks are cute and your breasts are so perky.

- Old men love to hit on you at bars. I like to stand on the other side of the room and watch you uncomfortably turn away their adoration. Sometimes I dare them to hit on you. I know that you like the attention, you little slut. The creepier the better. By the way, my grandfather wants to know why you didn't call him when you said you would.

- You didn't get mad when I got you that shirt that says 'Bulimia' on it. You did get pissed when I got you the 'My Next Abortion is Free' shirt, but I think it was because you don't like the colour teal.

- You think chlamydia is a pretty flower

- Your pubic hairs are fun to pick out of my teeth.

Oh baby, there are so many more reasons why I love you. But I think that my true devotion can be summed up in the phrase: bitch, get me a sandwich.

Love always









PS: I was serious about that sandwich. Woman, don't make me take off my belt.







PS2: I wish I was playing one right now.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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Invisiblemantis
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Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 5,235
Loc: Bunker Alpha, GMC Flag
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4551914 - 08/18/05 04:25 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

funniest member ever


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Offlinedrtyfrnk
PresidentialCandidate 2008
Male

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 2,961
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 5 months
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: mantis]
    #4551939 - 08/18/05 04:29 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Yes heinous anus, that was awesome!


--------------------
It's Krang, Bitch!  :krang:


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InvisibleTYL3R
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Registered: 11/19/04
Posts: 17,473
Loc: Chico
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4551943 - 08/18/05 04:30 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

:lol:


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InvisibleHELLA_TIGHT
Madge the Smoking Vag
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Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 84,350
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Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4551957 - 08/18/05 04:32 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

You're not 21.


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InvisibleHELLA_TIGHT
Madge the Smoking Vag
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Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 84,350
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Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4551960 - 08/18/05 04:33 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Are you? I could have sworn you said you were in high school...


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InvisibleNoetical
Flip Horrorshow

Registered: 11/28/04
Posts: 9,230
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: TYL3R]
    #4551968 - 08/18/05 04:34 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

"...only to get distracted by an ambulance and forget to come get you"

"Sometimes I dare them to hit on you"

:rofl: :handth: :rofl:


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InvisibleTYL3R
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Registered: 11/19/04
Posts: 17,473
Loc: Chico
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4552022 - 08/18/05 04:41 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

HELLA_TIGHT said:
Are you? I could have sworn you said you were in high school...




lay off the meth, buddie.


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InvisibleHELLA_TIGHT
Madge the Smoking Vag
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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 84,350
Loc: Afghanistan Flag
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: TYL3R]
    #4552039 - 08/18/05 04:45 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

9/30/1985

He's not 21. HE LIED ABOUT THE BAR. OMG WTF.


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4552080 - 08/18/05 04:54 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

20, next month.

LIES! SLANDEROUS LIES!


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4552331 - 08/18/05 06:09 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

HELLA_TIGHT said:
Are you? I could have sworn you said you were in high school...




Nope, not in highschool.

Graduated from that, two years ago.

Just in a school for massage. Not a bad school to look into at all.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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Offlinedrtyfrnk
PresidentialCandidate 2008
Male

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 2,961
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Last seen: 7 years, 5 months
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4552336 - 08/18/05 06:10 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

School for Rub and Tugs?


--------------------
It's Krang, Bitch!  :krang:


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InvisibleHELLA_TIGHT
Madge the Smoking Vag
Female User Gallery
Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 84,350
Loc: Afghanistan Flag
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: drtyfrnk]
    #4552349 - 08/18/05 06:14 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

*Tizug


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: HELLA_TIGHT]
    #4552353 - 08/18/05 06:15 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

lol.

I should have forseen the gay jokes.

FORSEEN SOUNDS LIKE FORESKIN.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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OfflineDrink_Punk_Soda
Now with ExtraVaganza!?
 Arcade Champion: Maeda Line, Moon Patrol

Registered: 06/14/02
Posts: 1,677
Loc: Nowhere fast
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4552379 - 08/18/05 06:24 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)



--------------------

Kumbayah my lord, Kumbayah...


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: Drink_Punk_Soda]
    #4552558 - 08/18/05 07:17 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Actually, I could go for a sandwich.

Probably a nice corned beef sandwich, on rye, with mustard, and saurkraut.

Now, that would be tasty.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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OfflineDrink_Punk_Soda
Now with ExtraVaganza!?
 Arcade Champion: Maeda Line, Moon Patrol

Registered: 06/14/02
Posts: 1,677
Loc: Nowhere fast
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4552565 - 08/18/05 07:20 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Now you're just making me hungry.


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: Drink_Punk_Soda]
    #4553000 - 08/18/05 09:17 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Well, after getting so hungry.

Just got myself about 40 Habenero Buffalo Wings.

Taste great, right now. But, in the morning, its going to feel like I'm shitting lava.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: An (Early or Late) Valentine's Day Message to My Girlfriend. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4553380 - 08/18/05 10:37 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Seems like the spicey shit made an unannounced visit.  :frown:

FIRE! FIRE!


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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