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OfflineTodcasil
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Posts: 16,381
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Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Todcasil speaks
    #4551376 - 08/18/05 01:38 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

In my teenage years I was not allowed any type of what people might refer to as "freetime". No TV, no having friends, no after school activities, no going out, i could ride my bike around the next couple of blocks when i was younger, but as i got older i couldn't even do that.

I gardened for my grandparents every day, pulled weeds every couple of days through the yard, cleaned the floors every other day, vacuumed every single day, cleaned my bathroom on the weekends, did my homework every day even i didn't have any and eat dinner were the only things i could do.

oh i was allowed to watch whatever my grandpa was watching sometimes in the evening which was usually court TV and maybe the news if i was lucky.

i was allowed to listen to the radio and my Cd's that my old guardian would buy for me. my old guardian is my Nana, my moms mom. she took care of me my whole life up until i was 9 when her daughter passed away. i saw her every Saturday as per court order. she was a drug addict, a drug producing kingpin and not suitable to watch over a child anymore.

i was also allowed to read books. in fact they would make me read a book and give chapter summaries every week. i was also allowed to read books of my choosing my junior year.

so, no freetime is what i was getting at.

in my moments where it was just me and my thoughts... that was my freetime. but, all of this time was spent looking over my shoulder and being paranoid about the next time my step gramma would enter the room.

when i would get home from school i would run in my room and turn on my radio up WAY loud to whatever it was i was listening to that month, jump and dance around the house cause i was alone and home free for another 45 minutes.

i sang and sang for 30 minutes, dancing and dn having no care in the world for that one amazing block of experience in the day.. then the last 15 minutes would arrive.

i started pacing from door to window looking out frantically through the peephole and the window for the first sign of my grandfathers truck, the music going off and my thoughts freaking out.

fifteen minutes. waiting for the man that you hate so much to come inside, drunk from the bar, forking his tongue. he would always accuse me of snooping through his room, or having someone in the house, masterbating.

so when i was finally freed of this torture my senior year of high school, i still continued this nervous behavior throughout my life, often becoming debilitated when i would be left home alone, pacing the house looking out windows waiting for someone to come home to me.

i could not be left alone. i didn't want to be left alone.


nowadays its no longer a battle to get home and not have to freak out.

godamn i could write for pages.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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InvisibleOneMoreRobot3021
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 60,933
Loc: the sky
Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: Todcasil]
    #4551559 - 08/18/05 02:35 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

And you should.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis


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OfflineSerioOria
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Registered: 07/23/05
Posts: 566
Loc: upstate, SC
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: OneMoreRobot3021]
    #4551577 - 08/18/05 02:40 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

agreed, im fascinated to learn what kind of people make up the rest of the shroomery


--------------------
Live every day like it is your first
or
Live every day like it is your last
My ArT!!


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InvisibleShroomismM
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Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: Todcasil]
    #4551578 - 08/18/05 02:40 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Freeeeedom!!!


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InvisibleTHE KRAT BARON
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Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: Todcasil]
    #4551667 - 08/18/05 03:05 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Keep going with it man. Was a very enjoyable read. :smile: :thumbup:


--------------------
m00nshine is currently vacationing in Maui. Rumor has it he got rolled by drunken natives and is currently prostituting himself in order to pay for airfare back to the mainland but he's having trouble juggling a hairon addiction. He won't be back for a long while.


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OfflineSerioOria
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Registered: 07/23/05
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Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: THE KRAT BARON]
    #4551727 - 08/18/05 03:32 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

yay, mattz put his old sig back on :laugh:


--------------------
Live every day like it is your first
or
Live every day like it is your last
My ArT!!


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OfflineRuNE
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Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: Todcasil]
    #4552181 - 08/18/05 05:25 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

That, my friend, is fucked.


You had some hard core family.  :cuckoo:
It's too bad that they tried to 'raise you well' and how bad it ultimately backfired.

I never hung with my dad and spent most of my childhood with my mom, sisters, and godmother.  I was pampered too much and now i have the problem of being too forgiving and nice.  Not such a great thing for a relationship when girls want a masculine man.

Its funny how some people mean to do well, yet how badly they can indirectly fuck you up.


--------------------
~Happy sailing~


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OfflineDreamer987
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Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: Todcasil]
    #4552205 - 08/18/05 05:33 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

"my old guardian is my Nana, my moms mom. she took care of me my whole life up until i was 9 when her daughter passed away. i saw her every Saturday as per court order. she was a drug addict, a drug producing kingpin and not suitable to watch over a child anymore.


can you tell us more about Nana? What kind of an operation did she run?


--------------------


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Offlinenunciate
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Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: Todcasil]
    #4552669 - 08/18/05 07:52 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Todcasil said:
.....or having someone in the house, masterbating.






'Casil, you're a great friend and I am glad and fortunate to have met you. If you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here.
Now, I understand this was a serious topic and I mean no offense by this, but upon first reading, I took the above quote to mean he was accusing you of having having someone over to masturbate. I laughed...a lot.


--------------------
I am the devil and I am just like you


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: nunciate]
    #4552724 - 08/18/05 08:12 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

nunciate said:
Quote:

Todcasil said:
.....or having someone in the house, masterbating.






'Casil, you're a great friend and I am glad and fortunate to have met you.  If you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here.
Now, I understand this was a serious topic and I mean no offense by this, but upon first reading, I took the above quote to mean he was accusing you of having having someone over to masturbate.  I laughed...a lot.




:lol:

don't worry man, i laugh about it now when i can :wink:

writing is very therapeutic.

Quote:

Dreamer987 said:
"my old guardian is my Nana, my moms mom. she took care of me my whole life up until i was 9 when her daughter passed away. i saw her every Saturday as per court order. she was a drug addict, a drug producing kingpin and not suitable to watch over a child anymore.


can you tell us more about Nana? What kind of an operation did she run?




she was at firs running a prostitution ring, but she found that there was a much more lucrative operation in selling meth and cocaine.  she soon was able to have her lackeys producing meth for her in a few houses.

she was a drug lord of Glendale for a good 5 years.  everyone called her shotgun Suzie, because her favorite toy was a sawed off shotgun she would use to threaten people who owed her money or people who were trying to dick her around.  she only shot two people, none of them died, though I'm sure they are better people now.

she had he son and oldest daughters children running goods, my uncle doing the big deals and my older cousins doing small fry shit, building trust in Nana so they could one day start moving more heavy shit and making better money.

Nana was all about family, but even my cousins told me she was evil back then.  she knew no compassion.

she has two twin daughters Leisa (my mom) and my aunt Lynette.  Lynette ruined her marriage from all the meth, and her health.  she is off of it now, but very much OCD.  my mother was not so fortunate, but she never was.

my Nana blamed herself (and i would think rightfully so) for  my moms death, the drugs she created and pushed destroyed her daughter, she was found bruised and beaten half to death with substantial amounts of heroin and cocaine in her system, left to die in a bathtub.

when they got her to the hospital it was already to late, she was brain dead.

i hadn't seen my mom in almost 3 months before then.  my uncle and his girlfriend would go find her when they could, clean her up and make her spend time with me.

after my mom died my Nana's operation slowly fell apart through insanity and guilt.

she went to jail for a short time for something unrelated.

she began to study Buddhism then, to absolve herself with the universe and forgive herself for what she feels she has done wrong.

for a long while that seemed to help, i studied with her on the weekends when i could, i learned some of the chants and all the ideas about Buddhism and the history behind the gohanzin (misspelled!).

she told me though that despite what she was doing she still felt like there was no point, and that she had completely destroyed her life and her happiness because of her actions.

then her son died after he got out of jail for possession of firearms and meth.  he died one month after he got out.

its funny the day he got out they were driving home down the I-17 and a bus flipped over and got in an accident.

he stopped the car and helped pull children out of the bus, saving lives.

then while high on meth he took a sharp turn just down the street form that spot on the freeway and flew off his motorcycle into the pavement, a bloody mess, never to fade away.

i loved that man so much.  he was my only father figure.  he was so proud of me when i got married and was going to have children.  he did get to see my daughter a few times before he died, and i had a dream that that was all he could have asked for.

he always wanted a family, but his life could never take him in that direction.

whew.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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InvisibleTHE KRAT BARON
one-eyed willie
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Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: Todcasil]
    #4552757 - 08/18/05 08:20 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Damn bro you've had some rough shit go down in your life. :frown: I can sympathise with you in some aspects. I'm very sorry to hear about your mother and your uncle. It's good that you have come to terms with it all and are able to talk about it.

The fact that you were able to work through the darkness finding the light within yourself shows how strong you are. :sun:


--------------------
m00nshine is currently vacationing in Maui. Rumor has it he got rolled by drunken natives and is currently prostituting himself in order to pay for airfare back to the mainland but he's having trouble juggling a hairon addiction. He won't be back for a long while.


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
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Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: THE KRAT BARON]
    #4552767 - 08/18/05 08:22 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

yeah i spent a large portion of my life like this  :ashamed:

but now im more like this  :flowers:

:heart:

there shoudl be a buff greamlin.  thats how i woudl have replied originally, with a buff greamlin :grin:

:buff:


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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InvisibleMeatSpace
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Registered: 12/10/04
Posts: 10,460
Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: Todcasil]
    #4552775 - 08/18/05 08:24 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

borfase should have a bod,
that would be a sweet :buff: smiley.


--------------------
:crankey:
/    l    \__:thumbup: ... Hi, I'm Crankey, and I approve this message.


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Offlinewrestler_az
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Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: Todcasil]
    #4552796 - 08/18/05 08:29 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

wow


youve told me a little bit about your childhood and what not here and there. talking about your nana and her shotgun, walking on the side of the highway after getting stranded in yuma for a shot time. you have been through alot. and you are a good man.  :heart:


ever think about writing a movie script to your life? just a thought....


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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InvisiblePrisoner#1M
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Re: Todcasil speaks [Re: Todcasil]
    #4552913 - 08/18/05 08:57 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Todcasil said:
In my teenage years I was not allowed any type of what people might refer to as "freetime".
waiting for the man that you hate so much to come inside, drunk from the bar, forking his tongue. he would always accuse me of snooping through his room, or having someone in the house, masterbating.




almost a paralell on this end, it was a step father, alcohol, stolen goods and a
variety of other things, I was in my first bar fight at 13, same age that I
learned to drive him home when he was too drunk and running around on my mom,
the first two years were not so bad but as the drinking progressed, so did the abuse

we had to be home and the house cleaned when he arrived from work, usualy about
30 minutes after we go off the bus, if everything asnt in order he grabbed what
ever was handy and used it to whip us, I was his favorite, he expected more from
me and I usualy got the worst of it. "I'll wear this belt out on your ass" was
an expression he used alot, one day, he did just that, it infuriated him that my
ass broke his belt, it was at that point that I knew asking for a track for my
hotwheels cars for christmas was not my smartest move.

I used to watch TV in the living room floor, it was more comfortable since the
sofa was usualy filled with my siblings, mother and a couple of his drunken
friends, one evening he decided to get up from his recliner walk over and prove
to everyone that he was the boss, he jsut kicked me in the head like it was
nothing and returned to his seat, after that, TV wasnt really for me, I resorted
to reading and read everything I could get my hands on and never came out of my
room if he was home

he insisted that we know how to fight, if we lost, he'd beat our asses and take
us back to fight until we won, it didnt matter if we were out numbered or out
gunned it was win or suffer at his hand, that was a bad mistake on his part,
he showed up one morning at about 4am, drunk and pumped from a fight at the bar
he started on my mom and I bolted from the bed, heeding another piece of advice,
I snatched up a wooden rod and went after him, "if they're bigger than you, pick
up something and bring them down to your size". after about 10 minutes he didnt
get up from the floor, he was still breathing but was convulsing, we called the
medics and the cops, since they knew him already he was arrested and taken to
the hospital to treat his injuries... Don never ran from a fight, but he also
never had me fight back, years of anger was unloaded,

I saw him twice after that once was to visit him in prison and the other was at
his dads funeral, he was shackeled and heavily guarded, they considered him to
be dangerous and had good reason to.

I'm glad to see we both turned out OK dispite our childhoods


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