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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
Problems being me.
    #4516959 - 08/10/05 03:46 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

It would be hard to exactly articulate in detail what is going on, but I've come to call it "self-censorship" and basically there is a person that I want to be, but because of how I worry that other people will look at me, I'm often unable to be him.

Examples would be like I went swimming today and I just wanted to sunbathe for a long time, but because I was worried that people were looking at me I cut it short.

I turn my music down to really low volumes because I worry that people can hear it. (you could call it being considerate but it's a lot worse than that) I can't get into "rocking out" on my guitar because I worry that people hear it.

and it's more than just little things, I am afraid to speak openly to just about anyone... as I don't feel accepted by society [and i probably aren't]

I'm pretty sure it ties in to not having any solid relationships with anyone and not feeling accepted by my family... but it seems like it started when I went through some real messed up stuff in middle school.

So presently I'm hoping that I can destroy it all with one event.... some hippies are going camping and I'm going to go with them, having never done anything like that. But it will be enormously hard for me to do because I had a real bad experience with a party and socializing to such a huge extent would be hard for me... the problem is I have it set up in my mind that partying with people and having good times is what I need to make me feel normal.... but I'm really afraid and reluctant to do it.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel anxious when I contemplate expressing myself and my real desires and actions.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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Offlinestefan
work in progress

Registered: 04/11/01
Posts: 8,932
Loc: The Netherlands
Last seen: 7 months, 20 days
Re: Problems being me. [Re: leery11]
    #4517114 - 08/10/05 06:06 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

how old are you? when hitting puberty this 'I'm in the spotlight all the time' feeling is pretty common...

ask yourself why it bothers that people are looking at you. Also people look at you and you look to people. people just look, you can't do anyhting about it so I suggest getting used to that :smirk:
You probably have the feeling that people are staring at you or something; they really don't (probably), see for yourself.

with me music and guitar some good headphones might be a solution. Being considerate is good, but don't overdo it like you said. Try this: put on the music on a volume that you would like to listen to and then leave your room/appartment and see if you can still hear it. If you don't other people probably won't hear it either. If your still worried just leave the music on again and go to the neighbours and ask them if they can hear your music. They won't bite you, they will think you're a very nice guy because of being that considerate! try it and see for yourself :thumbup:

Also with the social thing/finding it difficult to talk to people it's just a matter of practice. Use the hippie camping trip as THE opportunity to practice your social skills. When people talk to you talk back, if they don't you just start talking to people. ask questions to keep conversations going (first basic things like name, age, what they do in dayly life etc, conversations will develop from there) and don't be afraid to tell things about yourself.

good luck


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: stefan]
    #4518108 - 08/10/05 02:24 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

I'll be 20 in a few months. I don't think I'm being stared at, it's more just about people's conceptions of me as someone that's weird or doesn't fit in or something.

I don't know any of my neighbors and I think that might be part of the problem...... I've been here 8 months and haven't really said more than a passing "hey" to a few of them.... so it's like, I've invented stories where they all know I'm a druggie and talk about me and stuff.... and when I hear people walking by my place I sometimes get paranoid.

I could meet them I guess but I don't know how I would really do it unless they happened to be at the pool when I was swimming.... knocking on their doors and just saying hi would be weird since I've lived here all this time without doing it.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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Offlinel33tmouse
Stranger
Registered: 06/29/05
Posts: 103
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: leery11]
    #4518146 - 08/10/05 02:37 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Man, i had to overcome something simalar.

Dude, first off, who cares what other people think? Its thier own damn fault if they look at you in a negitive way because your being/doing what you want to be doing. Just because they are unhappy with themselves and can't stand to even see someone with a little individualism isn't your problem. I say fuck em!!11!! Roll a fat L and grab your guitar, go sit at your appartments front steps, light that thing and jam on your guitar (if its an acustic)... people would respect you more for being yourself then hiding from yourself... and remember, everybody does drugs.... if you didn't, you would be different. They might not all eat lucy and listen to Phish, but everybody has thier poison, even if it is just advil or caffiene.

Im really just rambling

All I really wanted to say was to roll a fatty and go jam on your guitar, and fuck the world's perception of whats "normal" or what fits in.... do what YOU wanna do cause thats all thats going to make you happy!


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: Problems being me. [Re: leery11]
    #4518241 - 08/10/05 03:01 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

I went through my own version of this when I was young. Now I'm  the happiest I have ever been. It was a long struggle to change. I wanted it. You will have to find you own way and it will seem impossible at times. Because you feel this way now and have to work so intensely you may find yourself way out in front down the line. I have no advice for you because everything you try, weather it "works" or not will be exactally what you need to go through to find yourself. Remember that. :heart: :mushroom2:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleLe_Canard
The Duk Abides

Registered: 05/17/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: Problems being me. [Re: leery11]
    #4518268 - 08/10/05 03:06 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

I think we've all been through something similar, not meaning to discount what you're going through right now. It didn't really stop for me until I was about 23 or so, and I'm sure it will get better for you soon, as well! After a while, you'll learn to ignore what you preceive most people see in you....  :sun:


Edited by Le_Canard (08/10/05 04:28 PM)


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Invisibledblaney
Human Being

Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 7,894
Loc: Here & Now
Re: Problems being me. [Re: leery11]
    #4518278 - 08/10/05 03:12 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Man, you are loved! :heart::sun::hippie:


--------------------
"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"

"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer

Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln


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Invisiblepoke smot!
floccinocci floofinator
Male

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 5,235
Re: Problems being me. *DELETED* [Re: leery11]
    #4518331 - 08/10/05 03:27 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Post deleted by poke smot!

Reason for deletion: x



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Offlinel33tmouse
Stranger
Registered: 06/29/05
Posts: 103
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: poke smot!]
    #4518365 - 08/10/05 03:37 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Roll your neighbors a joint1!!


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OfflineKidShelleen
watch thesensations
Registered: 09/20/04
Posts: 88
Last seen: 10 years, 7 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: leery11]
    #4518453 - 08/10/05 04:08 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Leery11,

It might help you to remember that the people you think are looking at you and judging you are, in all probability, so caught up in their own scene that they really aren't giving you much thought at all.  And if they are, and even if it is negative, the slightest sign of good will on your part - just a sincere smile or friendly gesture - will turn them around to a positive attitude toward you.

There are malicious gossips, of course, who avoid dealing with their own issues by trying to draw attention to others, but they can only do their business in a vacuum.  Fill up that vacuum with positive vibes.  Project your good will and love for mankind into your own little neighborhood, and watch the ice break.

But if you are going to ask for salt for a meal, make sure you really cooked one.  Lying will just make an awkward situation more awkward AND if they insist on sampling your cooking because it is their favorite too, you either have to tell them "no" in which case they think you are a jerk, or you have to fess up that you really don't have any food.  I suppose they might think that is kinda funny and cool that you went to the trouble to make up a story to meet them, but I think it is more likely that they will think you are crazy.  :grin:

KS  :heart:


--------------------
"Who would be free themselves must strike the blow" -Lord Byron


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: KidShelleen]
    #4518640 - 08/10/05 04:59 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

l33tmouse said:
Man, i had to overcome something simalar.

Dude, first off, who cares what other people think? Its thier own damn fault if they look at you in a negitive way because your being/doing what you want to be doing.



Yeah I firmly believe this but the thing is... most of the problem is I don't want to be ISOLATED I want to have people to chill with, but you know I'm not trusting.... this place is fucking full of narco-christian assholes too [probably not so much the youth but the rest of the community more than likely is]. There are cool Christians of course but you know..... if I actually visibly sparked up a bowl for the world to see it might be the last thing I do as a free man. I hardly ever smell burnt herb around here, I know tons of people must smoke it, but none of them do it in the open. It's just booze booze booze redneck binge drinking and street brawls and tons of cigarettes.

and that's the important thing here "everybody does drugs" yes they fucking do, but they're self-righteous hypocrites that think it's okay to drink and smoke tobacco but you should waste away in jail for dropping acid and doing "hard drugs" other than pot for the most part.
(society is to blame here, I used to think people should go to jail for life for first tiem posession of drugs when I was younger and victim of public schooling)

Quote:

do what YOU wanna do cause thats all thats going to make you happy!



I wanna chill with people and have close and meaningful relationships..... and smoke fatties.... my only smoking buddies just bum stuff off me and rarely contribute to beer or smokes of my own though, and I don't feel comfortable around them for some reason, probably just weed paranoia.
Quote:

KidShelleen said:
Leery11,

It might help you to remember that the people you think are looking at you and judging you are, in all probability, so caught up in their own scene that they really aren't giving you much thought at all. And if they are, and even if it is negative, the slightest sign of good will on your part - just a sincere smile or friendly gesture - will turn them around to a positive attitude toward you.




Yeah, but people HATE drug users, it's a universal prejudice... this is fucking 1984 here and it's cool to narc on people..... I mean this one college town near here (thank God I don't live in it) has a fucking "marijuana task force" and they pay you money to narc out people for simple grow operations or even just posession.

It's hard you know.... I mean like in this class I was in we were discussing drugs and my teacher was endorsing harm reduction/decrim etc and everyone was like "no, treat them like criminals, send them to jail."

I live in a sea of ignorance and it makes me fucking hate the world because these people are somewhat lousy representations of the human race. But then I feel lousy for judging them because I know there are tons of cool people and I might be wrong.

It'll do me some good to hang out with the hippies I guess.... I just wish this shit was at least decriminalized.

Thanks for the help though.... I feel like I'm going to make it through but I'm just confused and angry and anxiety keeps pulling me back where I don't want to go. It'd probably be good to not really do much herb on account of the paranoia anyway.... I just can't get my hands on lucy, shrooms or even alcohol usually.

I'm rambling now though.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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InvisibleSimisu
taken by gravity
 User Gallery

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,313
Loc: Israeli in Flag
Re: Problems being me. [Re: KidShelleen]
    #4519229 - 08/10/05 08:15 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

KidShelleen said:
Leery11,

It might help you to remember that the people you think are looking at you and judging you are, in all probability, so caught up in their own scene that they really aren't giving you much thought at all. And if they are, and even if it is negative, the slightest sign of good will on your part - just a sincere smile or friendly gesture - will turn them around to a positive attitude toward you.




SO true!!!

I'm pretty isolated as well and too caught up in my own shit to have fun with my friends... it's like every time i go out i either get paranoid or i just don't have any "fun"/ am not content with what i get...
the few times when i DO have fun is when I'm able to be my self among other people (but that usually means a rave or a party when no one really cares what you're doing)

you also have to ask your self what it is you're really missing and is it fair to ask it of other people? you want to have meaning full relationships but that takes a lot of time and you probably get paranoid or feel dissatisfied befor you form a proper relationship right?


--------------------
:mushdance::sanpedro::peyote::mushroom2: :heart: Shr:supershroom::supershroom:mery :heart: :mushroom2::peyote::sanpedro::mushdance:
      Visit & Support Free Spore Ring Earth
      :sun: Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum :sun:



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OfflineCerebralFlower
whats left?

Registered: 02/09/04
Posts: 1,326
Loc: only the truth is left
Last seen: 8 years, 3 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: Simisu]
    #4519272 - 08/10/05 08:38 PM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Go witht he hippies. Take some ethnogeons. Take control of your will, dont always listen to the voice in your head.


--------------------
God says dance with your heart
And shake free of you desire

Where theres a will theres always a way
When you get confused listen to the music play



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OfflineKidShelleen
watch thesensations
Registered: 09/20/04
Posts: 88
Last seen: 10 years, 7 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: leery11]
    #4520102 - 08/11/05 12:03 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Amigo, unless you have a realistic hope of making a living in the entertainment industry, you MUST learn to live around, and even  socialize with, people who are not into drugs.  And because of our stupid laws, you are the one who is going to have to chill in order to make it work.  You have chosen an underground lifestyle, now you have to deal with it.  That means you keep some things about yourself hidden from people until you know them well enough to determine that they are cool with it.  Fortunately, it isn't hard to do.  If you are friendly with people and discrete with your recreation, people are going to give you the benefit of the doubt.  People who have powerful prejudices against recreational drug users are blinded by their prejudices in a way that actually helps you - if you come off as a friendly, responsible person, they will assume you aren't a drug user because they think all drug users are low-life scumbags.  In their mind if you aren't a low-life scumbag, you can't be a drug user.  So the more prejudiced and ignorant they are, the easier it is to fool them.

Just keep your illegal activities private, be friendly and responsible, and it will be cool.

KS  :heart:


--------------------
"Who would be free themselves must strike the blow" -Lord Byron


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: KidShelleen]
    #4520835 - 08/11/05 02:53 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

I don't know why I should hide it from people. Now I'd be down with meeting people that don't do drugs at all (most of my friends don't) but I need to be accepted.

As long as I'm not committing felonies I shouldn't be super secretive [but shouldn't advertise, likewise] as far as I can wager, maybe once I have to assimilate into the professional world I'd have to conform to a high level...

(actually i'd probably be super secretive anyway just because my theory never matches my application)

See, and I don't know how many of you have "picked up" on this, but listening and conversing is an art that trasncends words by miles on end. I need to find someone that knows how to do it, how to put yourself on the line and express, and how to understand what is being expressed.... how to listen beyond words.

I just need a companion, a best friend that you can share anything with, to live my life with.

Otherwise I just sit around and talk to myself (literally, i guess it could be construed as meditation) if I have things I need to sort out.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


Edited by leery11 (08/11/05 02:54 AM)


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: leery11]
    #4520890 - 08/11/05 03:07 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

do you guys think I should avoid tripping until I clear some of this stuff up? I mean on the one hand it forces me to look at myself in ways that I usually don't.

but on the other hand it could mess me up, maybe.


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


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Invisiblezorbman
blarrr
Male

Registered: 06/04/04
Posts: 5,952
Re: Problems being me. [Re: leery11]
    #4521009 - 08/11/05 03:56 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

I think you kind of hit upon your problem when you say "self" censorship, etc. A way out of your dillema might be to focus more on others than yourself. In other words, when you find yourself at a party, don't focus on making yourself look good, focus on listening to the person you're talking to. And I mean really listening.

If you truly do this with everyone, you will be highly regarded, I assure you. Just pretend you are interviewing them. It will take the focus off yourself and provide everyone with their favorite subject, themselves. In the meantime it takes the pressure off of you, and let's you relax and be yourself when the situation calls for it.


--------------------
“The crisis takes a much longer time coming than you think, and then it happens much faster than you would have thought.”  -- Rudiger Dornbusch


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OfflineKidShelleen
watch thesensations
Registered: 09/20/04
Posts: 88
Last seen: 10 years, 7 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: zorbman]
    #4521327 - 08/11/05 09:09 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

REALLY good advice, Zorbman!

Yes, it is nice to be accepted.  But NOBODY is accepted universally.  Find a few people you can relate to, and then be prepared to hold back a bit around the rest. 


KS  :heart:


--------------------
"Who would be free themselves must strike the blow" -Lord Byron


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Offlineleery11
I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 2 years, 5 months
Re: Problems being me. [Re: zorbman]
    #4524843 - 08/12/05 02:16 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

zorbman said:
I think you kind of hit upon your problem when you say "self" censorship, etc. A way out of your dillema might be to focus more on others than yourself. In other words, when you find yourself at a party, don't focus on making yourself look good, focus on listening to the person you're talking to. And I mean really listening.

If you truly do this with everyone, you will be highly regarded, I assure you. Just pretend you are interviewing them. It will take the focus off yourself and provide everyone with their favorite subject, themselves. In the meantime it takes the pressure off of you, and let's you relax and be yourself when the situation calls for it.



that's true man.... I mean, part of being "isolated" is that when you are around people you are thinking exclusively about them, rather than you, whereas if they are extroverted and in groups they are thinking about a range of topics that don't have a ton do with you... or probably at least. I'm not sure if I'm even going to be at any parties though :frown: that hippy isn't responding to me all of a sudden.... I sent him a message while I was tripping, it was real honest and short it was just like something like "Hey I'm tripping so I don't know if I should write this but I'm kind of uncomfrtable around parties because of some bad stuff that happened to me involving fights and cops, so what is this group going to be like?" or something like that.

I don't see why he'd avoid me for that, because he's openly advertised to all that he smokes up, and will smoke people up, and just me saying that i was triping shouldn't be a huge deterrent should it?

The other explanations are he's just real busy or he thinks I'm too "needy" from messaging him too much (which might make him suspicious?).

So yeah... I don't think I'm gonna be going, which sucks...

---------------------------------------

Do you guys think it's healthy to live alone? I have a good online friend that I talk to on the phone sometimes, and when I do I just start feeling like I'm normal, and there are people like me.... and it just seems like I need to have some sort of companion to keep me sane and in touch with a reality other than my own... and to feel loved or at least respected and cared about.

(my family loves and cares about me, but as an adult it just seems like i should have those kinds of feelings from people other than them, and that i shouldn't be living with them as much anymore)


--------------------
I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!


Edited by leery11 (08/12/05 02:18 AM)


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Invisiblezorbman
blarrr
Male

Registered: 06/04/04
Posts: 5,952
Re: Problems being me. [Re: leery11]
    #4525150 - 08/12/05 03:24 AM (12 years, 1 month ago)

Living alone isn't inherently unhealthy, but it definitely takes a person with self-discipline and a good sense of perspective. Right now I live alone and I take it as a challenge. One of my friends also lives alone and he lives in a filthy apartment with a sink full of unwashed dishes and a dog who sheds and is a fleabag. Unsurprisingly, no one wants to visit him.


--------------------
“The crisis takes a much longer time coming than you think, and then it happens much faster than you would have thought.”  -- Rudiger Dornbusch


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