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OfflineHeinous_Anus
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Registered: 08/03/05
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My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party
    #4512621 - 08/09/05 01:06 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

I was cleaning out my closet earlier today, when I just happened to stumble across a box full of videos.

I popped a few in and discovered that they were from my childhood. Then, I came to one that I thought I had forgotten, but am now forced to relive as I watch it. My Five-Year-Old Birthday Part.

I thought I'd just share with all of here, in the Pub my adventures of childhood. As seeing how this is a close community full of SUPPORT!

There is no way around it: my dad is one cheap bastard. He's the type of guy that saves each and every can, so he can enjoy the benefits of that extra dollar per week. Even though we have central heating, he still goes around the house every day in the winter opening the shades, "so the sun can help heat the house." He'll always buy generic products, even if there's an obvious lack of quality, and he won't hesitate to dispute an extra dollar on his dinner bill.

Given all that, it should be no surprise that when I asked for a clown at my five-year-old birthday party, he took it upon himself to save money and dress up as the clown himself. And, of course, since I was five, I actually somehow didn't see a problem with this.

In the weeks leading up to the party, my dad went out and bought a cheap (of course) clown costume, complete with rubber nose and ginormous shoes. He also bought books on making balloon animals, doing magic tricks, juggling, and other various clown activities.

Needless to say, it was pretty entertaining watching him gamely struggle with the various talents clowns are supposed to possess. For a solid week, he practiced making balloon animals. There were so many loud pops going on that our Vietnam veteran neighbor started having flashbacks, and had to check into a mental institution for a month or two.

I wish I were kidding about this.

He also caused two minor fires, had to visit the emergency room once, and pissed off quite a few small animals when he started trying to use the flaming torches a bit too quickly.

Before we knew it, the big day came. There were about twenty people there altogether, although looking back on it, I'm pretty sure at least half of them were homeless guys who just wanted some free cake.

Or maybe it was the goody bags. Those were some kickass fucking goody bags. I stocked those fuckers full with yo-yos, various candy, and, in a couple cases, packs of baseball cards. For a five-year-old, that is about as pimp as it gets.

But I digress. As people came into the house, my dad was standing there by the door to greet them.

Let me take a moment to describe my dad's outfit more thoroughly. From what I can tell from old videos of the event, he found a dead skunk and spray-painted it green. Then used it as a wig. His face was painted in some rainbow scheme that wouldn't be out of place at a gay pride parade. The top part of his clown suit was this hideous yellow and red topcoat, and, well, I'm pretty sure he ambushed Lance Armstrong and stole his yellow spandex pants at some point.

So, imagine being a little kid going to a friend's house and seeing this monstrosity at the door. Hell, a lot of kids are scared of clowns anyway. I used to be, too, until I realized that the majority of them would give me candy if I just let them touch my special place.

Or was that my uncle? It happened so much it all runs together in my mind.

But hey, at least I got a shitload of candy out of it.

Once everyone was safely inside the house, for the most part huddled in the corner away from the clown, my dad began the act he had been so carefully rehearsing for weeks. It started with his magic show, complete with rabbit, top hat, and magic wand.

The magic show, I have to say, went all right. Except for the part where he accidentally revealed that the rabbit was a puppet, and one kid asked him why he had his hand in the rabbit's bum.

As I recall, his response was "I'm just helping him poop. All those carrots clogged him up."

After the magic show, it was time for the juggling act. He eschewed the flaming torches for eggs this time. That didn't help much, though, since the results were pretty much the same. At least three kids had to go to the bathroom to clean yolk out of their hair. My mom was cleaning egg out of the carpet for weeks, and the smell lasted for months.

Or maybe that was just the aftermath of the burritos we had afterward.

After his juggling act, it was time for my dad to tell jokes. Since he has the worst sense of humor known to man, we kids were treated to such classics as:

Q: Why did the bike fall over?
A: Because it was two-tired!

Q: What's a ghost's favorite kind of pie?
A: Boo-berry!

Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because eight-nine-ten!

No, I didn't fuck the last joke up. That's a direct quote. I have it on videotape at home.

After drawing about three hundred blank stares with his humor, it was time for the grand finale of my dad's clown act: the balloon animals. He sat down in a chair, and took everyone's requests. Although he could be charged with genocide if balloons were a human race, he managed to eventually pound out the requests, for the most part dogs.

Then one little girl came up to him and asked for a giraffe. Now, in all the practicing my dad had done, he had never once had to make a giraffe. But, enthused with his previous success (or, more precisely, lack of failure), he grabbed a balloon, blew it up, and set to work.

The result? Well, let's just say he shouldn't have been so cocky going in, because it was clear he didn't know dick about what a giraffe was supposed to look like. Have you ever seen a giraffe with two small, stubby legs, a very long neck, and a swollen, enlarged head? Well, that's what this little girl got. When her mom saw it, she promptly slapped my dad, yelled at him, and subsequently prohibited her daughter from ever again visiting my house. Which was too bad, because she did eventually grow up to be one hot piece of ass.

So, not only did my dad provide the most god-awful birthday party in history, but he also may or may not have cockblocked me.

Bastard.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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InvisibleCorporal Kielbasa
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Registered: 05/29/04
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Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4512638 - 08/09/05 01:09 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

I dont see your father as cheap i see him as smart and thoughtfull of the enviroment.

But other then that LOLZ


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InvisibleHeavyToilet
The Heaviest OfThem All
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Registered: 08/06/03
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Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4512659 - 08/09/05 01:14 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

:lol:

Hey man it was probably a lot of work for your dad to get all that shit organized.

He could have just said no fuck you there isn't going to be a clown.


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Invisibledr_gonz
Registered: 08/18/03
Posts: 44,644
Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4512687 - 08/09/05 01:19 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

i bet ur mom gave ur dad some lovin that night to reward his efforts.  :thumbup: :birthday:


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: HeavyToilet]
    #4512688 - 08/09/05 01:20 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

I know, I'm such a douche nozzle for not being grateful.

It was though, very entertaining.  :smile:


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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Invisibleeligal
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Registered: 05/25/05
Posts: 7,021
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Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: HeavyToilet]
    #4512722 - 08/09/05 01:26 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

yea, exactly.
he sure put alot of work into it. and even though hes so cheap, he actually bought the books to learn that stuff... id have just read it in the store and try to memorize it... its great he cares about you so much that he actually took on such a hard task and was willing to do it infront of everyone (even if it didnt turn out as the best). and with that girl, might be a great way to start coversation... might... maybe... hehe.


--------------------
\m/ Spanksta \m/

"do you have the freedom to do with your nervous system what you want?"

"MolokoMilkPlus said:
I'll respect you if you let me give you a blow job"

"tactik said:
respect the can."



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InvisibleShroomismM
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Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4512728 - 08/09/05 01:28 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Your dad seems like a cool enough dood.. and he seems to have raised you at least halfway decent.. I mean you speak proper english and have a sense a humor


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Shroomism]
    #4512734 - 08/09/05 01:29 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

lol.

Hell yea, my dad was awesome.

I'm just trying to give everyone a good laugh here.  :smile:


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
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Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4512827 - 08/09/05 01:45 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Its Morphin' Time!


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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OfflinePuZuZu
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Registered: 05/27/04
Posts: 671
Loc: Idaho (USA)
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Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4512883 - 08/09/05 01:57 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

That was such an entertaining article to read. Sounds like you have a cool family.  :thumbup:


--------------------
"If you worried about falling off the bike, you would never get on."
Lance Armstrong



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OfflineFliquid
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Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4512944 - 08/09/05 02:10 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Intriguing, a genuine portion of life.. Shared by using the internet.
I enjoyed it! :yesnod:


--------------------
:dancing: My latest music! :yesnod:


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Fliquid]
    #4512969 - 08/09/05 02:15 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

I'm just happy that I haven't been scolded by any of the mods yet, for posting something so irrelevant.

I enjoy it a lot here. Eventhough I haven't been around but a few days.

Awesome atmosphere, and I'm learning so much about growing.

Eventhough I still haven't tripped yet...


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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InvisibleRavus
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Registered: 07/18/03
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Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4512976 - 08/09/05 02:19 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Everything's irrelevant here. It fits right in.


--------------------
So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Ravus]
    #4513066 - 08/09/05 02:48 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Great!

Just as long as I don't get yelled for that, then its all good!

Expect more!

I'm letting the creative juices flow!


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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OfflineFliquid
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Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4513084 - 08/09/05 02:58 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Do read:

The Psychedelic FAQ, and also read some trip reports here:
http://www.magicreports.com  :smile: :thumbup:


--------------------
:dancing: My latest music! :yesnod:


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Fliquid]
    #4513109 - 08/09/05 03:06 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Hell yea, I've been reading everything on this site.

I haven't even tripped yet, but the learning expirience of mycology is so addicting.

I must have spent 2 straight hours with my ass glued to this chair today, just reading trip reports and all sorts of differente Teks.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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OfflineFliquid
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Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4513146 - 08/09/05 03:16 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

And don't worry about getting moderated, they would have to catch you red handed.  :wink:


--------------------
:dancing: My latest music! :yesnod:


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Fliquid]
    #4513215 - 08/09/05 03:40 AM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Stigmata!

Well, not really.

Close though!


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4513969 - 08/09/05 12:17 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

Its amazing how fast things get pushed back here.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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OfflinePhluck
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Registered: 04/11/99
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Last seen: 10 months, 7 days
Re: My Dad Is Trying To Scar Me For Life: My Five-Year-Old Birthday Party [Re: eligal]
    #4513979 - 08/09/05 12:23 PM (11 years, 3 months ago)

C'mon people, don't give the guy shit, he's telling the story that way because that makes it funny.

Excellent post, more people need to write up funny stories like this.


--------------------
"I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson
http://phluck.is-after.us


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