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OfflineStrandedVoyager
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Last seen: 9 months, 14 days
I must've died alone, a long long time ago.
    #4480040 - 08/01/05 06:20 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I just kind of need a place to vent the demons that are following me right now. So I expect no one to read this or care but I'm just going to write this all out and let it be.

On the drive home from a night of drinking a wave of depression overtook me and I began to think about my life while listening to Nirvana's cover of The Man Who Sold The World. I'm a twenty year old man who's completely lost in this world, I have no concept of anything and I'm afraid. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now. I dropped out of college because I felt like I was going no where and I couldn't stand the typical card board cutout kids that surrounded me. I'm scared to get a job because I don't want to wake up as a 40 year old who's only goal in life is to make middle management and get that corner office and a little recognition from the boys upstairs. I just feel so lost.

The thing that's bothering me the most though is that I have no concept of people my age or how to interact with them. I went to a mormon high school where the biggest thing was whether we'd be allowed to have a morning prayer or not. I am a atheist and always have been and so is my family but every other school kicked me out and I had no where else to go. Because of this I do not know the social rules or games people play and I feel completely alienated. I never learned about dating or how it comes about. I missed everyting positive most people hold dear about high school. I have a large group of friends but I don't trust any of them and I feel like they use me. I'm the only one who actually does what he says he's going to do and nothing is impossible to me. I've put together and done things most people only dream of. For instance, I threw one of the best parties in my area's history spending a small fortune and if caught I probably would've gotten five years in jail. When a girl said she was decorating her room with bottle caps, I searched for over a week and handed her a grocery bag full of them. I'm the one that makes things happen. And I think that's the only way it could be because I cannot imagine being docile but I think people take advantage of that. I made absinthe, grew shrooms, found alcohol hookups, and organized parties because no one else would. And because of that, a lot of people want to know me and be on my good side but I'm just sick of shady people.

I've held myself to a level and a very real current of honor and ethic which I strongly believe in and every time I fall beneath this current, I feel like I'm drowning or I feel like I committed an unspeakable act. However, I don't see a single other person I know who's holds themselves to such a high standards.

My friends currently for the most part are all extremely attractive girls. Anytime I go anywhere with them, I have to play the part of the enforcer. A couple of nights ago I nearly broke a chair over a guy's head and a pretty heated showdown happened because he put his hands on one of my friends. Tonight I had a stare down with two drunk guys in a bar because they were hitting on one of my friends. My friends really appreciate this but I hate that I have to do this. I curse the fact that I'm a big guy at 6'4 and that I have to intimidate people in order for them to act right. I'm also annoyed because I feel like it gives my friends a free hand to do whatever the hell they want because they know I will break someone's teeth out if they step over the line. I feel like they use me for this. For instance the other night in a bar one of my friends got a guy to get her two shots of vodka and then when the guy started putting his hands on her, I had to remind him there was a tough guinea behind him who was twice his size and didn't have a sense of humor.

Also all of my friends have significant others. The thing that's bothering me the most and has had me in the bottle for the last several days is that this friend who I was extremely attracted too recently lost her virginity to this guy whom I've had issues with in the past and who I really can't stand. And then of course the piece of shit never returns her calls. So she told me about it in graphic detail saying things such as "He's the hottest man I've ever seen naked". I'm not a nice guy, I'm really not attracted to any of my friends, this girl just kind of came along with one of my friends. She was extremely depressed and I was really not okay with her. But as the night went along I started talking to her just because I knew I could take that stress off of her and get her to have a good time. So I managed to carry her stress and pain on my back, she had a good time while I was pretty depressed.

I'm not a "nice guy", I say what's on my mind and if I want a girl I go for it. I just don't think I want a relationship or anything to do with girls right now. My last relationship and hookups have been disasters and I just don't want to drag anyone into my mess. My last relationship broke up because I was convinced my girlfriend at the time could get a better guy.

I'm just so lost and confused. I feel like I'm in hell right now and like I don't exist. I'm so not trying to be a drama queen or go off the deep end here looking for sympathy, I just feel so disconnected and distant from reality. People always tell me that I'm one of the most fun people to hang out with and my phone is always ringing off the hook but I just don't feel like I can trust or love anyone. I have no idea who I am or what I'm doing here. I don't know how to fix this.

And I'm so not trying to be a bitch. No one I know ever hears any of this. It took a long time just for me to be honest about this stuff with myself. If you asked someone who knew me about me they'd probably say I'm one of the strongest and most together people they've ever met. I just hate being strong and together every second of every day but I don't know how to be anything else. I feel like I was given this role I have to play but the strain of playing it is seriously dragging me down. I really don't get any satisfaction out of life. I've never really loved anything... well I did love something but it was torn away from me when I was sixteen and there's no way I can get it back. I just don't know what to do.

And I'm so not trying to bum anyone out or trying to be psychotic. I just needed to vent and let some of what I'm carrying go and maybe get advice from others who can relate. I'm so not self-destructive or anything like that. I just don't know what to do.

If you read that, thanks... I seriously hope I don't lose respect although I don't know why I'd care but I'm being honest about all of this and I don't really have any other outlet.


--------------------
Hi  :scrambled:

My god... it's full of stars...


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
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Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: I must've died alone, a long long time ago. [Re: StrandedVoyager]
    #4480092 - 08/01/05 07:02 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

let go of your old love...  start to live for yourself.  learn to play an instrument, or start contributing your time to the homeless or underprivelaged instead of the privelaged "friends" who only use you to make themselves look cooler and give them free roam on how they should act...

see what needs to be changed?  not about everyone else, but about YOU.  they dont need to change, YOU do.  you have the issues with the way things are.

and they are totally reasonable issues and feelings!!  but take it by the horns man, and start a new life.

:heart:

peace


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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Invisiblerod
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Registered: 06/29/05
Posts: 3,727
Re: I must've died alone, a long long time ago. [Re: StrandedVoyager]
    #4480104 - 08/01/05 07:10 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

just live one day at a time,God dosent put more on our backs, then
we can handle if we try, good luck dude.


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Offlinegoob
Sleepy

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 197
Last seen: 11 years, 9 months
Re: I must've died alone, a long long time ago. [Re: StrandedVoyager]
    #4480108 - 08/01/05 07:13 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

2 cents from nowhere:

Finish college if you can then join the Peace corps and help underpriveledged nations improve their standard of living thru ebay-tourism etc.


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InvisibleTHE KRAT BARON
one-eyed willie
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Registered: 07/08/03
Posts: 42,326
Re: I must've died alone, a long long time ago. [Re: StrandedVoyager]
    #4480159 - 08/01/05 07:44 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Simple advice for you here man. Fuck the ignorant bullshit. Drop the friends you believe are using you because they probably are. Keep your true friends by your side. Finish college. :sun:


--------------------
m00nshine is currently vacationing in Maui. Rumor has it he got rolled by drunken natives and is currently prostituting himself in order to pay for airfare back to the mainland but he's having trouble juggling a hairon addiction. He won't be back for a long while.


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Offlinedr0mni
My Own Messiah
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Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 2,921
Loc: USF Tampa, Fl
Last seen: 9 years, 11 months
Re: I must've died alone, a long long time ago. [Re: THE KRAT BARON]
    #4480474 - 08/01/05 12:23 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

dude, you sound like a pretty stand up guy, and I bet lots of girls are dying to fall in love with someone like you. You are a go getter, and that's much better than being a procrastinator, like me. Sounds like you know how to make things happen, and so you just have to realize that the only thing holding you back from being happy/fulfilled is yourself.

Seriously, you should go back to college. You don't have to get a cookie-cutter job at some firm with your degree. Look at MJshroomer! He travels the world picking shrooms! What is stopping him? Nothing! He could've gotten a job isolating antibiotics from molds, but he chose to take his degree and do something that he loves.

Having an education will give you more freedom than you could ever know.

What moves you? What makes your heart smile? Your creativity is your only limitation. If you hate the social bullshit then find a small community or something intimate. Get a farm and grow your own food, live off of wind-generated electricity and don't let the rest of the world tell you how to be happy.

As for your "friends"? Stop providing for them and you will see who are your real friends.

you may be socially stunted, but that just means that you are more uniquely you, and that it will take special people to see through your awkwardness and appreciate those things about you. When you find these people you will help each other grow...

Don't worry man, you're only 20. You've got a whole life ahead of you. Right now is when you need to seize the prime time of your life and make it what you want it to be.

I'm 19 and I know how you feel. Sometimes I think to myself about everything that I know and have experianced and where it's all going and start to wonder if I'm going crazy. Every once in a while I'm just like "Am I as sane as I think I am, or as sane as I make other people believe?" Almost everyday, in the back of my mind, is the feeling that I'm slowly losing my grip on everything, and I just sit back and get high as I watch my mind slip through my fingers.

There's nothing that I can do about it though, so I just accept the fact that I may be crazy, but I can still have a blast with this time on earth that I've been given, and I can still make a difference.

Peace and love,

dr0mni


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InvisibleCowgold
Bullshit

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Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 12,486
Loc: .
Re: I must've died alone, a long long time ago. [Re: rod]
    #4480549 - 08/01/05 12:57 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

rod said:
just live one day at a time,God dosent put more on our backs, then
we can handle if we try, good luck dude.




he's atheist...

You're not alone on this dude... Everything seems pointless at times i'm glad they pass though and really ya gotta just take your mind off that shit and STAY BUSY! I usually have to start and finish something I've been putting off for a while and after that I'm back. Like sometimes i'll mow the yard and the neighbors stop lookin at me funny when I get home... It really makes me feel better as goofy as it might sound.


--------------------
"You might not be aware of this, but there are a lot of dickheads on the Internet." - D. Wong


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