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I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 3 years, 1 month
Complete Insanity or Complete Unison - Morning Glory fries my mind.
    #4464695 - 07/28/05 03:31 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I'm struggling (not really) to make sense of this. The morning glory experience is not something to be taken lightly. Or... is that bullshit? Maybe the CANNABIS experience is not to be taken lightly? It all went to complete fractured hell when I took a moderate toke while tripping steadfastly on these "glories".

And when the pieces of me, demanding [pleading?] answers from, myself--a fractured being split into a dual dissociative state--asked questions, the only solid answer was, "Never smoke cannabis again."

"But does that mean vaporize?", I ask myself..... my left body twitches (i used to dowse while stoned by making my left/right fingers twitch for yes and no respectively).... and the answer comes lost in a stripstream of complete un-understanding...... "Never smoke cannabis again."

This thought in short equates to everything and anything cannabis related, and I knew it, but I didn't like it. "But why?", I ask myself. That I still don't understand. Maybe this experience is why.... but never is such a long time away.

In post trip I sat and thought... and I came to the conclusion that I was addicted to pot, and that it was responsible for my anxiety and general stupid haze I go around in... but such a catch 22 it is. This drug helps me zone out into states of "creativity" but curses me with not having the clarity to tie the loose pieces of cognitive thought back together when trying to bear the fruits of my art.

You know the cannabis thought train, super nice, super deep, but you end up going "What was I just asking myself?". Well... Morning Glories aren't like that..... they will not for the love of GOD ALMIGHTY (and does he exist? we seem to be dream characters interfacing with him/ourselves subjectively while on morning glories) let you forget what you were thinking about. You can only think about a few things; over the course of 3-4 hours your thoughts go from normal to single. That's all you are. Your days experience.... it slips away... you are left in a dream of your own personality. It's terrifying at times... though not this trip... this trip it was exploratory, but perhaps far too exploratory. It cannot be totally described... so please take me literally when I say, you dream yourself back into existence, in reverse, while taking these drugs. You become the novelist who is inseparable from the characters he is developing. You literally only exist because you know you exist. "I think therefore I am." because understood and true.

Let's outline the trip. 4:00-4:30 ....I start chewing those seeds up.
4:33 and i've done maybe 1/4 of the 120 I laid out... and I told myself I needed to take a slower pace. 4:45 or so rolls around, I've taken most of them [like 84]) and i feel the high coming on pretty strong, I can't bear to stomache any more seeds down.

So.... I entertain myself... with television..... with all sorts of trivial nonsenses that I was hoping would be fun to do. For a long while I'm euphoric "yeah this is fun, i'm tripping" etc.... but the dream phase comes, despite my assurances it wouldn't be there.

While I was still pre-trip me, I stood in front of the mirror and layed out some key issues to focus on during the trip. I'm not sure what they were, though. But consider this a nexus point. Consider that even though time kept moving, it ground itself to a halt for the next 8-12 hours, only to ... perhaps never come back, but surely of course it did, as I am alive... just a little more knoweldgable....

One of the qustions was my drug use... the MGs were teaching me something though.... or rather I was teaching myself via the MGs..... "See right now it's spiritual, but if you use it too much it'll be fun [and addictive] like the pot has become." I think I wanted to just figure out my place in life in general.

So ah, the madness gradually sets in, but not until I smoke that damned cannabis. A "whoa i'm out of it" trip goes into sort of a solitary INNERSPACE.... is that the purpose of cannabis? Self-hypnosis? Complete destruction of the ego? I understood that MGs were used to be with the sun-God, and I wanted nothing more than to sprawl out with nature under the tender warm caress of the suns rays.

BUT I CAN'T. I'm a prisoner in my apartment (this maddens me still).... the fucking pig cops whom I have gone to hate more than I want to, because they are good people, they are just forced to do some sort of sinister bidding that can't even really be personified..... the fucking pigs cops anyway, they would surely throw me in jail?

"Is it a crime to feel good? To want to feel connected to reality?", Yes it is was my sad answer... just look at the TV, everything about our society is structured to actually take us away from reality.... and the bonkers thing is, you can navigate the "collective unconscious" just by watching television and understanding how it affects your mind. I do not understand this, but yet I do.

So ah what can I do if I can't go outside? take a shower.

It was nice, then the unclean nasty treated water bothered me, the soap dried out my skin... I got out. ---side tangent IT'S SO HARD TO WRITE? can i blame it on the pot? I feel hazed... sure what I wrote made no fucking sense because it was schizoed-out by my "split me" but damned if I didn't understand that I wasn't making sernse, and damned if I didn't have decent left/right brained balance to weave the pieces together in what seemed to me an artful state. Well, if I am to become a writer like the trip keeps telling me to, then it will gradually become more and more natural.

So.... see, it's like oscillations... at first I wanted to play with the world... but think of it like the delta waves of sleep. Your very being just keeps slowing down, and ... unfortunately, you go inward.... and you face yourself... your self created hell (thank you Dredg)... and the thing is, somehow, you make sense of it all, because you watch yourself fall in... and in my case Dredg's lyrics from their new albume xplained to me what I was feeling. You can take this understanding and do two things... you can think that the singer from Dredg is God and he's sending you a message... or you can think that perhaps you are God and you are just subjectively gaining an intimacy with him, understanding him completely in your own way, even if it isn't right.

That's the human experience then isn't it? You totally understand stuff, while knowing JACK SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING. Free will, it only exists because it doesn't exist. And you can't fucking explain, but while on morning glories you vaugely understand it.

So.... it just goes inward.... so deep, so deep that the only thing alive is you, but SHIT what if the people nextdoor know I'm tripping? Fuck them what do I care? BUT SHIT, what if they come kill me? What if the cops come? Then fuck it, they will come. Why would I deserve to be jailed or hurt for just trying to understand myself? Am I really  bothering people just by being alive? These are hard questions to write, because this is how I've made myself/how society has made me feel.

So the trip spiraled downward, I gained connection between two parts of me, who I am beginning to understand represent (and any attempts to explain fall short of explanation] the "identity vs indentity diffusion" conflict Mr. Erikson wrote of. It's an adequate way of explaining it, why not use it? They also represent trust vs mistrust, the infantile stage.... how true it is, because I don't fucking trust anyone... not even myself I guess. But I tried, I tried hard to be loving to the me that was just a total wreck, it probably helped on some subconscious level.

and ah see what happens when I try to explain things to people, or even myself? I don't, and all that happens is I go on a side tangent. So.... this is what you have to understand...... these seeds, they take you inward.... perhaps only through cannabis... but it's a fucked up place, just like where salvia shows you glimpses of.

It's a mental trip.

So.... I watched Simpsons.... was deeply bothered by the levels of complete violence and lack of basic humanity that are present on TV.... I was much more entertained by the BRADY BUNCH... that stupid corny show..... it entertained me... it helped me feel loved.... but even it made me sick with the jokes. They don't want Bobby to  play drugs [edit: i mean drums! d'oh], but he pretends he wants to play them to make them happy? All these dramas and hardships are exploited by television to the point of desensitized humor. The television is evil. I don't think it should be watched while tripping. (or by children)

Anchorman, that'll be funny. No... because the fucking cannabis brought me so inward that I couldn't pay attention to anything. Damn.... I got caught away in synesthetic understanding of the show though... this is how children watch TV, they take the absurdities seriously... you don't understand Ron Burghandy is joking... you tie him in to archetypal stereotypes which are taken seriously, though you know they shouldn't be.

Anchorman was aborted.... music was not even bothered to listen to. I just lost track of time and.... triped inward.

I kept thinking "It has to be the cannabis that takes it so far dreamy... you would have had a better time if you only took small tokes to ease the nausea instead of actually getting high" and yes, nausea is there.... not bad, but without cannabis, not good. That's what I dno't like about the drug, everyone hails it as a cureall GOd drug... and sure it's nice, and sure ithelps nausea, and creativity.. and everyting else. But you use it daily and it makes you stupid, a retard who understands yet can barely express himself.

:frown: i'm sorry cannabis, because i'm sure you can be used properly, but perhaps if you're sold to people out of greed you lose all holy qualities? Perhaps society is weeding you out, but a better substitute will come? I don't know, but I know I don't know how to use you.

I just wanted to come down off of pot and go back to the euphoric stage. The dream stage is hard to deal with. I wrote a story about me, about my confusion. To be a writer creating yourself, to feel that you don't exist except for inside your own mind... to become a dream character.... it's daunting. Dialogues from Waking Life kept coming back to me.

I'd call this drug a surreal-agenic (horrible tacky word, i can think of better) in that everything is SO REAL, but it's SURREAL... so real that it is surreal. This will sound stupid unless you understand. That's okay... you guys are druggies.... if not I'm writing it for my own benefit in the hopes that a few will understand me, or tolerate my existence if they don't.

I am so full of hate, judgement... Christians, republicans, the government, and maybe I have good reason to hate them.... but in fact, I don't, becuase I should stil try to love them, alienating myself from socieyt only leads society to become "out to get me."

so I tripped for a long while, time flickered by.... hours seemed like mintues, and I gradually came back to that nexus... the point where I was coming up, my thoughts fell back together in a nonsensible pattern that makes use of the understanding of the quantification of infinity. It cannot be explained really, if you stare at a yin yang long enough and see that it started as one line.... one whtie line, then wrapped around itself until it met itself while weaving darkness into its totality... then you'd know what I mean.

and ah yes... I tripped longer.... i wanted to go for a walk but was overcome with fear... THERE ARE COPS OUT THERE..... i might get mugged or killed.

Well I went out (and it's not like i'm in the fucking ghetto! why am i so paranoid? Well that's where the story gets interesting) so there goes by a cop-car.... I realize I can't walk that straight... the cops don't notice or don't care.

So I've had my share, I want to go back to my place... but there were these people loitering the parking lot (this is like maybe 8 or 9 or 10 at night) what the hell are they doing there? Are they going to kill me? I wondered this as I walked past them, but it was only in having to come back and hearing their voices well well off in the distance that I knew that this is when it would get ugly, if it were to.

and as much as I dont' want to, I judged them.... and in post-trip realization I FUCKING HATE GANSTERS... i'm so sorry, because most black people that dress that way are just posers like me, though i choose to dress like a hippy, and they probably won't kill you or even hate you... but i judge them all the same.... so i made them out to be gangsters, hooligans, whatever.... and i was tripping so I couldn't really tell what they looked like.... jsut that there was a cluster of them.

I went and hid in the trees, but I was so aware of them that they must have been aware of me... I tried to slink by them,  but they started walking toward me like sharks circling in for a kill. Everything was animal... if they had confronted me even out of sincerity, I fear to see how far my feelings of complete animalistic self-preservation would have taken me. I could have killed people that night> I would have had the oversight not to, but I felt so threatened, if someone had tried to talk to me [why the hell would thye? You don't confront people at nighttime when you're in a pack, it's the same as sending out a threat] and they were being cocky, arrogant, drunk.... i would have either ran my ass off or tried to fight, I don't want to know what I would have done... I sincerely didn't want trouble.

and were they only walking toward me because they were wondering why the hell I'm acting weird? Why I'm hiding in the trees? Do THEY think I'M the rapist, the mugger, the criminal? Hiding in some trees to kill a girl, rape a girl, rob some poor unsuspecting fuck? Maybe I'm trying to come after them?

We were drawn together in our state of polar opposites, they picked up my fear, I picked up their presence... we were no more than dogs in my mind. And I knew, I knew they'd try to encircle me, and they walked toward me like they were going to, but fuck I had to assert myself. I looked at them, several times, just so that they fucking knew, yeah i'm afraid with you, but i'm not to be fucked with, I know you're here and I'm looking at you.

and 2 of them walked gradually in front of my path, but stopped short, and I went into the building. They knew I was fucked up, that I didn't want to be approached, and hopefully that I was fucking crazy and they'd regret in some way shape or form if they tried to mess with me.

I went up to my apartment... locked myself in... and felt bad for judging them, but.

This is me.

I don't like fearing for my life.

I shouldn't

They could have been having a Bible Study for all I know.. there was a woman with them, violence wasn't likely. But what if they were black kids decked out in gangsta gangsta? I would have reacted so much worse..... but.... is this the kind of way to live?

I don't know.

Morning Glories work, oh how they work... and cannabis I'm thinking shouldn't be mixed with them.

I hate feeling like a prisoner in my apartment, no friends, no one to trip with me, no one to understand what I'm writing... no one buff to watch my back, to make me feel like IT'S OKAY TO BE HUMAN AND GO FOR WALKS.

what the fuck?

Something has to change. But this is the problem.. society says it's okay to kill people if they cross you, that's why gangsters are so dangerous, their songs are so terrirotial.... and the cops, they're allowed to murder even without good reason if they fear for their lives. And the self defense instructors, the self-help books, they flat out say "if someone confronts you at night, FUCK THEM, they should know better than to not do something like that, they probably aren't friendly." and everything in this stupid American society is based on violence, assertation, confrontation.

But I don't want it to be so. What if I wasn't afraid? What if I thought of them as my friends, residents of this apartment, of this region of town, of normal humans. Even if they wanted to rob me, couldn't I have just walked straight through them, un-afraid? They aren't going to target someone that doesn't act like a victim, especially if they are in small numbers... a confident unafraid person should be able to pass right through danger, and be unscarred, simply  because he doesn' tknow what "danger" means, he's aware, but he chooses not to suspect the worse in people... maybe they pick up on that?

I dont' fucking know.

needless paranoia... confusion.

My life.

I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (07/28/05 04:24 PM)

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I Tell You What!

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 5,998
Last seen: 3 years, 1 month
Re: Complete Insanity or Complete Unison - Morning Glory fries my mind. [Re: leery11]
    #4464946 - 07/28/05 04:31 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I probably won't touch these for at least a month, but hopefully that experience will help me not be afraid or judgemental of people.

It doesn't do any good. Even if you're about to be attacked by a mob, it's better to be calm, expect the best, and then react suitably to defend yourself only if you have to. Paranoia, judgement, and fear don't seem to help.

I just need to start hanging out with more people I guess.

Does this sound anything like what the LSD experience is like? My vision SUCKS so I mean, I'd stare at homer simpson, and I'd feel like if I could focus on him well, and see a clear picture, that it would be trippy and do all sorts of acid things... but the most I got was like subtle colored tracers with uninteresting "human" gaps (not like fluid motions) and like, seeing myself in the mirror all cartoonish and surreal looking..... sorta seeing homers face kinda morph but not really.

I don't know if it's because of my poor vision and difficulty in focusing...... or if it's just because it's too small a dose of LSA.... I want the trip to be fun and entertaining more so than deeply inside me :/ [maybe just stay away from the pot then]

late edit: one very interesting thing i forgot to mention is that the television was talking to me..... I was tripping and any question I asked somehow tied into the exact moment when a television character was speaking and they'd say "no", "yes", etc.... it raped my head lol! then south park came on and dealt with a really complex question that i was dealing with, it was the episode "not without my anus" i think where people are confused whether or not terrence and phillip invented themselves through all the media that exists about them.....

the whole "inventing yourself through fiction" theme.... it blew my head just a little bit..... synchronicity is something else.

I am the MacDaddy of Heimlich County, I play it Straight Up Yo!

....I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow, to feel inspired, to fathom the power, to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain, to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......
Om Namah Shivaya, I tell you What!

Edited by leery11 (07/28/05 08:51 PM)

Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
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