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OfflineTwirling
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Self-Esteem is a weird thing
    #4444610 - 07/23/05 10:30 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Most people hate talking about this sort of thing because it means being somewhat vunerable and so forth, but I think the pub is mature enough to make for some interesting conversation on the topic. Of course, going into OTD on this topic would probably destroy anyone's self-worth, hehehe.

I grew up with extremely low self-esteem, starting in the 2nd grade. I couldn't really relate to anyone, and yet, ended up basing my self worth on what others thought. I became extremely introverted, and around the 6th grade, I really hated myself. Not in that fashionable teenage drama sense, but because I thought who I was was everything I wasn't supposed to be.

I started to do better once I left the public jr. high school, but I still was extremely shy. I figured that nobody wanted to hear what I had to say, and I probably said nothing more than a sentance or two in a day unless I was around someone I knew and felt comfortable with.

Once I left highschool, I looked forward to meeting new people in college. Unfortunately, the college I chose was like an extension of highschool. I transferred to a local community college after the first semester (also wanted to change my major). After having shoulder surgery, I found the opioids to provide enough self-worth to really make me feel secure. As anyone with an understanding of psychopharmocology knows, that lasts for as long as tolerance is low and the supply of opiate derivatives continues.

Out of desperation, I decided to try marijuana. Surprising huh? Probably one of the few who did opiates recreationally before the wacky tabacky. To my surprise, marijuana really allowed me to look at myself in a self-actualized sense. I no longer saw myself as having to fit into a mold, and began a process of self-discovery. It's rather odd, because up until then, I was extremely anti-drugs, thanks to a unhealthy dose of misinformation and paranoia.


At this point in my life, I'm self-aware enough that I'm comfortable with who I am. I could not be more satisfied with who I am developing into. I still have many flaws, obviously, but more importantly, I accept that and don't feel the need to be someone I'm not.

Oddly enough, I often still feel, from an emotional standpoint, fairly insecure. It often depends on many other things that are going on in my life, in that "set & setting" sort of way. That is what I really want to improve, and is probably a motivation for making this post. It's annoying because, from a cognitive standpoint, I'm happy with things, but it's as if I physiologically still feeling some of the old emotions.

I think the biggest problem is simply that I have very, very specific interests and outlook on things. While I get along well with my fellow college students, my philosophy and mindset is extremely different, which probably leads to some subconscious alienation. I've yet to meet anyone with a passion for metaphysical neurology and the significance of entheogenic psychopharmacology.

So I?m curious about other people?s experiences and outlooks on self-esteem, self-worth, and self-awareness.


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The very nature of experience is ineffable; it transcends cognitive thought and intellectualized analysis. To be without experience is to be without an emotional knowledge of what the experience translates into. The desire for the understanding of what life is made of is the motivation that drives us all. Without it, in fear of the experiences what life can hold is among the greatest contradictions; to live in fear of death while not being alive.



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OfflineTwister
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Twirling]
    #4444644 - 07/23/05 10:39 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

I think fairly highly of myself but the problem for me in this area is that I would consider myself very removed from the"norm", at least personality wise. Because I see myself as pretty strange I think other people will too and avoid new social situations. I would like to be able to relate to the average person, but at the same time I don't want to be assimilated into the mainstream, so I just continue the self-alienation. I guess I just need to get over myself, so to say, but its easier said than done.


Edited by Twister351 (07/23/05 10:41 PM)


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Offlineloudmouth
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Twister]
    #4444649 - 07/23/05 10:43 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

good post/s

i feel that, only once you are comftable with your self will you have self esteem. I was always popular at school, the funny one, the loud one, the one who stuck up for himself. So i have never had any problem with it.


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OfflineLearyfan
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Twirling]
    #4444656 - 07/23/05 10:45 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Ah, everyone has self esteem issues to a certain degree.






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Mp3 of the month: The Loose Enz - The Black Door



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InvisibleDoctorJ
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Twirling]
    #4444668 - 07/23/05 10:48 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

in my experience

confidence=incompetance

I go to a party/bar/club and I hear all kinds of outlandish bullshit being talked by a bunch of overconfident drunks. I do not believe a word of it.

As for myself, I speak softly and carry a big sack.

sure, the big talkers maybe get more girls and more homeboys, but I believe its quality not quantity, man. I don't really want to be friends with those who are stupid enough to believe BS hype. Instead, I end up with a small circle of intelligent friends who question what they hear and generally tend to be right about things more often. As opposed to a bunch of fakers and gullibles.

on that note, I'm headed out to a house party. l8rs.


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peace, pot, and microdot!


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Invisibledblaney
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: DoctorJ]
    #4444695 - 07/23/05 11:00 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

You sound like you've done some serious introspection.

I think the biggest problem is simply that I have very, very specific interests and outlook on things. While I get along well with my fellow college students, my philosophy and mindset is extremely different, which probably leads to some subconscious alienation.

It shouldn't lead to subconscious alienation. One of the beauties of spoken language is the ability to communicate various ideas about things. This ability has helped us as a species to evolve. It is just the immature people who respond negatively to differing opinion.

I've yet to meet anyone with a passion for metaphysical neurology and the significance of entheogenic psychopharmacology.

Very interesting subjects, no question about that. But those types of subjects aren't likely to attract the attention of people who haven't had some first hand experience in those fields, (i.e. psychedelic experiences, or close friends who have had such experiences). So...your college probably doesn't have many people who have tripped ...try enlightening them :laugh:


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"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"

"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer

Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln


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OfflineTwirling
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Twister]
    #4444697 - 07/23/05 11:01 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Twister351 said:
I would like to be able to relate to the average person, but at the same time I don't want to be assimilated into the mainstream





It's a very difficult balance, because if one were to act and say things truly as they saw things, it would be hard to get along. People often get defensive when they hear people say things which they disagree with, so it takes a bit of playing a diplomat.

I try to not compromise how I really see things, but balance that with not having to try and prove those things on other people. Often times, I find myself in a situation where someone makes a very ignorant statment, and I have absolutly no response. That's usually when I become the most uncomfortable, because I have absolutly no way to continue the conversation other than make shit up (for example, once in my Sociology class, we were in groups, discussing our debate topics, and my group was doing the War in Iraq. I mentioned that it could be considered ethnocentric to consider ourselves better than Iraqi civilians, and another person actually said "Is it ethnocentric if we actually are?" My response -  :what: I mean, reguardless of one's opinion on the war, to think you are better than other people because you were born in a certain country is the exact definition of ethnocentric).

ANYWAY, I know what you mean. It's tough because I genuinely like a lot of people, I just prefer to keep it at a surface level unless I can really relate to them. Nothing wrong with that really.


--------------------
The very nature of experience is ineffable; it transcends cognitive thought and intellectualized analysis. To be without experience is to be without an emotional knowledge of what the experience translates into. The desire for the understanding of what life is made of is the motivation that drives us all. Without it, in fear of the experiences what life can hold is among the greatest contradictions; to live in fear of death while not being alive.



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OfflineTwirling
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: DoctorJ]
    #4444782 - 07/23/05 11:29 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

DoctorJ said:
in my experience

confidence=incompetance

I go to a party/bar/club and I hear all kinds of outlandish bullshit being talked by a bunch of overconfident drunks. I do not believe a word of it.




This is so often true. That's what I really can not understand about our collective social behavior. Somehow, people buy into the macho B.S., and it only reenforces people to behave like that. It's a fallacy that people who attempt to dominate others are somehow strong and secure people. That's what's strange to me, that somehow people interpet that as a sign of strength.

But in the end, it is so true that it comes down to quality, not quantity. I have a small group of friends I grew up with, and I prefer to spend time with them rather than a large, rather random group.


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OfflineTwister
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Twirling]
    #4444783 - 07/23/05 11:29 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

I understand what you're saying about just having no response to people sometimes all to well. I'm pretty logical and scientific about everything, and because of this I tend to look at things differently than most people. So when someone says something that just doesn't make sense, or that I think is simply dumb, but I don't want to sound like a dick, I just smile, nod, and try and change the subject.


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OfflineTwirling
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: dblaney]
    #4444798 - 07/23/05 11:36 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

dblaney18 said:
It shouldn't lead to subconscious alienation. One of the beauties of spoken language is the ability to communicate various ideas about things. This ability has helped us as a species to evolve. It is just the immature people who respond negatively to differing opinion.




It's very true. I've learned to see that more and more, rather than personalize their negative reaction.


Quote:

dblaney18 said:
Very interesting subjects, no question about that. But those types of subjects aren't likely to attract the attention of people who haven't had some first hand experience in those fields, (i.e. psychedelic experiences, or close friends who have had such experiences). So...your college probably doesn't have many people who have tripped ...try enlightening them :laugh:




I certainly keep my eyes out for those type of opportunities, and I make comments here and there. I almost fear talking about it too much, cause I don't want to be that guy, you know, the one who only talks about marijuana4/20kewliez. I know my interest in drugs isn't about that angle, but it could easily appear that way  :grin:


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InvisibleSilversoul
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Twirling]
    #4444811 - 07/23/05 11:42 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Lately, my self-esteem has been better than ever. Although I'm still in a slump as far as getting laid is concerned, I have noticed I've been getting some looks lately from girls. I think I was probably getting some of these looks before, but back then my self-esteem was so low that I figured they couldn't have been looking at me. I'm starting to realize that I am smart, attractive, and funny, and that I do deserve the good things in life. I'm a totally different person than I was a couple years ago, in a very good way.


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OfflineBoneMan
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Silversoul]
    #4444847 - 07/23/05 11:52 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

for me, self esteem is not an issue until I run into some hot chicks. when hot chicks are around my conversational wit/reaction time is severely depleted. it sucks cuz i can talk to girls im not attracted to very easily and get to know them well. but if im attracted to them, i just draw a blank.

tonight i was at a party with a bunch of girls my age and a bunch of dudes that are 2-3 years older than me. when i first got there i was talking to the girls for a while but all they talked about was how cute the older guys were, and soon they totally ditched me.

it really damages my self esteem to be ignored by girls. and it sucks cuz girls my age only want to talk to older guys, and younger girls think im too old for them.

i dont know why, but the only females that seem to be attracted to me are moms who have daughters my age. and they try to hook me up with their daughters, but of course if the mom likes you, the daughter wont.

i havent had a girlfriend in about 2 years and im starting to think its a lost cause.

aside from that i have plenty of self esteem.


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InvisibleSilversoul
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: BoneMan]
    #4444863 - 07/23/05 11:58 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

BoneMan said:
i havent had a girlfriend in about 2 years and im starting to think its a lost cause.



I'm in the same boat as you, but I'm far from giving up. In fact, I have a pretty strong feeling that something's going to happen for me pretty soon.


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OfflineBoneMan
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Silversoul]
    #4444916 - 07/24/05 12:13 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

yea you're probably right paradigm.

in the past theres been a pattern of good things happening (relationship wise) shortly after i've given up all hope. it really happens when you least expect it.


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OfflineTwirling
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Silversoul]
    #4444952 - 07/24/05 12:25 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Paradigm said:
I think I was probably getting some of these looks before, but back then my self-esteem was so low that I figured they couldn't have been looking at me.




I have the toughest time with this type of thing because of my self-esteem. Either I get insecure and over-estimate a girl's interest, or I'm totally clueless because I write myself off as unattractive. It wouldn't be so bad if I timed those reactions better. There is one time where a girl wanted me to follow me to my town cause she was "visting her aunt", and I look back and wonder how I couldn't have realized what she was looking for. She was really hot, which makes it all the more frustraiting. Rather funny, looking back at it.

I've put on a bit of weight because of medication I'm on, as well as having a bad shoulder, making it hard to exercise. I'm rather insecure about that at the moment, so I want to do something about that. Unfortunately, I've been far too busy with everything that's been going on in my life to dedicate time/effort to it.


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OfflineTwirling
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: BoneMan]
    #4444978 - 07/24/05 12:33 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

And speaking of the whole self-esteem related to girlfriend situations, I find it's really dangerous for myself to start believing that it's impossible for me to get a girlfriend, or that I'm not worthy etc.. It becomes hard to shake off because it's a safety thing.


One thing that sucks fucking ass, is that I recently had my eye on two girls (no, not at the same time, although that would be better :wink:). The first girl, upon meeting one of my friends, hit on him, saying he was really hot. Then, the other girl recently hit on that same friend the same night I was checking her out. That always bites, and to top it off, he has a girlfriend anyway.

Normally talking about that kind of thing is taken the wrong way, and even admitting that turns into a whole territoral bullshit game. I don't really care though, I think there is a lot to get out of being relaxed about it. I'm perfectly aware that there is plenty about myself which feel "proud" of (poor choice of words, I hate the idea of "pride", but you get what I mean), so it doesn't bother me too much to talk about it as long as everyone else doesn't interpert it the wrong way.


Edited by Twirling (07/24/05 12:41 AM)


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InvisibleVvellum
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Twirling]
    #4444990 - 07/24/05 12:37 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

I was very shy and afraid of intimacy before I tried MDMA - these days I am quite outgoing and affectionate and have little problem meeting girls.


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OfflineLearyfan
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Vvellum]
    #4445052 - 07/24/05 12:55 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

bi0 said:
I was very shy and afraid of intimacy before I tried MDMA - these days I am quite outgoing and affectionate and have little problem meeting girls.




Now there's an endorsement for MDMA. It helped me a great deal as well.





--------------------
--------------------------------


Mp3 of the month: The Loose Enz - The Black Door



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InvisibleVvellum
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Learyfan]
    #4445095 - 07/24/05 01:05 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

hell yeah.
how'd it help you? same way?


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OfflineTwirling
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Re: Self-Esteem is a weird thing [Re: Vvellum]
    #4445103 - 07/24/05 01:07 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

I defintely want to try MDMA after everything I've read. I'm on Effexor XR & Remeron, so it would probably just be inert, if not harmful. Oh well.


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