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Offlinespacetrucker
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Registered: 06/20/05
Posts: 6
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
Trip Report: Backyard Psychotherapy
    #4422551 - 07/19/05 09:47 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Yesterday I picked the largest, healthiest P. subaeruginosa specimen I have ever found. The cap diameter was 9cm, and it weighed 20g.

I chopped it up and chucked it into some freshly boiled water with a few drops of lemon juice and 1.5 teaspoons of dried peppermint leaf. I let it steep for 5 minutes, strained it into a cup. It was around 10:30pm. I drank it slowly over the course of the next 20 minutes.

After finishing the cup I put on some music (Canto Gregoriano) and lit some incense and a candle. I sat cross legged on a large pillow and fixated my attention on the candle. As I sat there I found it hard to concentrate. I wasn't intending to meditate through the whole trip, unless I felt like it. But since I had been feeling a bit tense and irritable that day I wanted to try and relax and focus myself going into the trip. Also I think I was vaguely desiring to invoke some sense of divinity or sacredness, hence the playing gregorian chants and incense and meditation.

As I sat there meditating the mushroom began its work. I was having trouble keeping my attention on the candle and would close my eyes for a while, then open them and stare at the candle again then close them again etc. Staring at the candle I had some brief periods where I felt like knew the candle intimately and saw it in a new way, almost as if the candle was me (slight ego breakdown). It was as if I was looking at it through a microscope, not visually, but metaphorically.

Then I felt sorrow. Such a deep, lonely, exquisite sorrow. I stared down at my hands and felt completely humble and helpless in a vast and violent universe.

Then I got cold. I always feel really cold at the onset of a mushroom trip these days. Usually it lasts less than half an hour then I feel fine. I got up and stood next to the heater. as I was standing there I felt a great anxiety. I focused my attention on the negative feelings for about the next half an hour. It appear to me as a heavy black mass inside my chest. It was despair, selfishness and self-loathing. I thought "This is the ego's shadow". I was on my knees bent over with my forearms on the floor. Fleetingly I wondered if I should turn away, distract myself from the pain. I wasn't tripping that hard, so I could have done so had I chosen to. I thought that letting this blackness engulf me maybe in some way would fuck me up. But I knew that I was just looking at myself and that I needed to face it. I still had plenty of resolve so I continued the facing the misery. I tried to think of any traumatic events in my life that would account for this feeling but I could find nothing specific. It was nameless.

I thought of the alchemists and their quest to turn base metal into gold, and I thought "this is the lump of lead I have to work with". This lead to the realization that I needed to find a way to transform this negative energy. I couldn't just pull it.

The black mass of despair inside my chest was really there. As real as my hands and feet. I tried an attitude of acceptance and I was almost overwhelmed by visions of putrefaction. It was like sticking my face into a pile of maggot ridden meat. I felt like throwing up, but physically I couldn't. Well, I could have stuck my fingers down my throat but nope. This made me think of the "la purga" of ayahuasca users, and I realized how that could be valuable (never tried ayahuasca myself).

Soon after this the negative subsided (or did I turn it away?) and I lay on the couch. I closed my eyes and floated into that waking dream realm where I witness many different aspects of myself acting out inner dramas. Very much like dreaming, but with a more detached point of view. I saw many things, but what sticks in my mind the most is the vision of an old bush hut in the wilderness, somewhat like what an Australian colonial settler would have built, using tree trunks bound together with fencing wire to form a structure. Except this structure was made out of bone and gristle. It was all red and white. Inside the structure was a collection of cauldrons who were quietly conversing among themselves. Around the cauldrons were various spoons and ladles who were running around giggling and shouting in childlike voices. Also the gristle hut was alive and it was female. There was a strong feeling of the feminine there, but not a sexual feeling. It had the character of an old maid, or matron. There was some sort of drama unfolding here but I can't remember/comprehend the details. I remember being confused for a moment thinking "Thats me!", then "But I'm not a female". Hmm this is like a bizarre dream that has its own internal logic, but breaks down when the rational mind tried to comprehend it.

After a while I got up and had a cup of tea and smoked a cigarette. The trip was more or less faded by now (2am). I felt rather low and was thinking how helpful it would be to have someone experienced in psychiatry and psychedelics to guide me and help me untangle the mess that is myself. I got on the net and came across Using Psychedelics Wisely by Myron Stolaroff. Reading this was comforting to me, and seemed to validate my experience. I will have to read more of his writing.

I slept like a baby, and woke at about 8am feeling happy and energetic.


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Invisibleredtailedhawk
Explorer of the Mystery
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Re: Trip Report: Backyard Psychotherapy [Re: spacetrucker]
    #4422945 - 07/19/05 12:27 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Beautiful report man! Thanks for sharing!

BTW, I think you would be interested in "LSD psychotherapy" by Stanislav Grof. It's the best book out there on the use of psychedelics in psychiatry and psychotherapy.


--------------------

"Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."


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InvisibleVirgilKane
Miner for truth and delusion
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Registered: 05/17/05
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Re: Trip Report: Backyard Psychotherapy [Re: spacetrucker]
    #4423284 - 07/19/05 01:33 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Yes, thanks for sharing!

Your specifics help people to know that others have these feelings and that you don't have to retreat from them for everything to turn out alright.

I don't know how many times you've tripped or how long it's been, but I recently read a published psychonauts' opinion that when you start or start back up, there seems to be a certain amount of "housecleaning" that needs to take place before the real business end of it can begin. Sounds like your off to a great start.

GREAT report and thanks again for sharing....


--------------------
Absense of evidence is not evidence of absense...

"Religion is a defense against a religious experience"
              Carl G. Jung

 
"So really, ordinary reality is a kind of chemical habit, sanctioned by culture, which says it's okay to use certain drugs, eat certain foods, and have certain sexual behaviors. However, when you transcend all this pre-conditioning by returning to the original wisdom of the animal body, then you discover this immense dimension of opportunity. For some people, it is a frightening risk. To me, that's the psychedelic experience."
Terence McKenna


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Offlinejack324
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Registered: 07/17/05
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Re: Trip Report: Backyard Psychotherapy [Re: spacetrucker]
    #4423339 - 07/19/05 01:45 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Great report! I used to use psychedelics to figure out my problems before i started getting mad panic attacks from anxiety, now
I always try to think about anything in my past that could give me anxiety and make it right in my mind before I trip so I can have a relaxed experience.


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Offlinesilverfish
I like flakesand pellets

Registered: 07/04/05
Posts: 5
Last seen: 11 years, 11 months
Re: Trip Report: Backyard Psychotherapy [Re: spacetrucker]
    #4424763 - 07/19/05 08:08 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

lead is like karma
gold is like virtue


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InvisibleMOTH
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,381
Loc: In the jungle
Re: Trip Report: Backyard Psychotherapy [Re: spacetrucker]
    #4424923 - 07/19/05 08:54 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

I loved this report...sounds like that trip gave you a lot to think about. 

Quote:

I felt rather low and was thinking how helpful it would be to have someone experienced in psychiatry and psychedelics to guide me and help me untangle the mess that is myself.




I know how you feel. The closest thing I have to that is the Shroomery.  :heart:


Thanks for sharing 

*me*


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Offlinespacetrucker
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Registered: 06/20/05
Posts: 6
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
Re: Trip Report: Backyard Psychotherapy [Re: MOTH]
    #4425801 - 07/20/05 12:03 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Thanks for the kind responses folks.

Quote:

redtailedhawk said:

BTW, I think you would be interested in "LSD psychotherapy" by Stanislav Grof. It's the best book out there on the use of psychedelics in psychiatry and psychotherapy.




Thanks man, that looks really interesting. I don't suppose anyone knows of an online version. Looks like a book that I wouldn't mind paying for anyway.

Quote:

schapper said:

I don't know how many times you've tripped or how long it's been, but I recently read a published psychonauts' opinion that when you start or start back up, there seems to be a certain amount of "housecleaning" that needs to take place before the real business end of it can begin. Sounds like your off to a great start.




Well I have tripped quite a few times over the the last 20 or so years. I had a break for about 5 years until recently. That "housecleaning" idea makes a fair bit of sense. I have had a couple of absolutely wonderful trips lately. This one was different though (arn't they all!). I realize now, event though I wasn't fully conscious of it before the trip, that I intended to face some difficult aspects of my self. I found the relatively low dose appropriate for this since throughout the trip I never felt like I was losing control, and at any point I felt I wasn't getting anywhere, or getting too uncomfortable I could stop and think and try a different approach.

Quote:

EllemyshShade said:

I know how you feel. The closest thing I have to that is the Shroomery.




Yeah! This site, and many others on the net are so helpful. Most of my tripping career was pre-internet times for me, and a lot of the time I felt like I was flying in the dark. Well not entirely, there was always friends, and elders, but the knowledge and community available through the net nowdays takes things to a new level.


It's really nice to get some positive feedback on this, thanks to you all!


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