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Offlinetomk
King of OTD

Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 9 months, 4 hours
coming out * 1
    #4421727 - 07/19/05 02:21 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

OK. I want to make a long post on coming out. Four reasons. First, it's good for me to talk about and I'm at a point where writing a retrospective of what happened to me would be good. Second, I think sharing what I went through as I came out will help heterosexuals understand some of the more unique challenges their gay friends face, and third, maybe some closeted gay people will be helped by it. Fourth, I want my friend to read this.

I came out to my parents in march. My moms reaction was supportive, but distant and caught off gaurd. My dad's reaction was 'I thought so but i was giving you the benefit of the doubt. I still talk with my mom, but have only briefly talked with my dad 2 or 3 times since then. But, before this, I had been pretty cut off from my parents and do not draw much support from them.

For me, coming out to my friend was much harder. I wanted to deal with it much sooner. This weekend was the first time I talked with her about it in person. This girl has been my best friend since around fall. We tripped a lot, and supported each other through the various crisis that come up in doing that. Towards the end of my mushroom binging over the fall, I started to realize that coming out was something I was going to have to deal with soon to be happy. This, though, sort of percipitated a crisis. In order to explain why, we need to dive into the pensive and look at two events that were indicitive of the things burned into my head. My dad was always a poor provider of non-financial care. When I broke my arm he finished making and proceeded to microwave his sandwich before taking me to the hospital. My parents are both the types of people that want to live through their children. When they got divorced, they each tried to make us live the life they would of wanted. Although my mom tried to nurture some interests, my dad only responded to interests that were in keeping with what he wanted. Some time after this, I got into a fight with my dad over some card games at school or something, and he got pissed off at me and dropped me off at my moms house, alone, and locked out. It was hailing outside and I had to wait outside for hours, just panicked and abandoned. He did shit like this all the time. I think I learned from this that if I act as I want, I will be abandoned. The other incident involved some relatives on my moms side. My uncle married a girl with a gay brother. I watched, interested, because even at my young age, i knew I was gay. What happened was that many people who I respected, and who were male role models that I was using instead of my dad, were nice to this guy to his face, and then started making fun of him when he left. From this, I learned that even if people accept a gay person, it is only to their face. We now leave the pensive.

My friend was someone I knew would be open and receptive to me. However, having this rot from my childhood in my head caused me to be so crazy I wasn't able to trust her. Every time I wanted to bring it up, I found some excuse to put it off. Maybe she said something like "Ohh, thats gay." and I would cling onto that as a confirmation of the fears that my shitty childhood put in my head. Every time I put it off. Even times where I had perfect oppritunities, it was just like I could not do it. I froze up. I started hating myself for not being able to do it. Then, I had a little bit of insight. We were all sitting on a couch and I said I was uncomfortable. We were sitting so our legs were touching. She muttered "thats because you're touch adverse" or something like that. Ever since she said that, I've realized she is right. My sense of touch is almost completely numb, and my body causes me nothing but anxiety. But, this also stirred up a great oppritunity to grow for me. In realizing I was completely numb to human contact, I started to explore why. As I did, I realized I had just learned that contact is bad, and that in actually, as a human being who is a social creature, I had never learned to satisfy that need and repressed it instead. I started to feel starved for touch instead of adverse to it. Exploring particular areas I was blocked allowed me to deal with the memories these areas dealt with and then be released from them. This was only tangentially related to coming out (I think the trouble I had with it and the coming out stuff stem from the same problem). However, this was the first time I was able to have compassion for myself for being such a fucked up person. In looking at all the shit still floating in my head that caused me to become touch adverse, I started feeling compassion. I could forgive myself for not achieving more and for all the problems that in retrospect were caused by this touch adversion. This compassion extended to other areas too, and I was able to feel compassion for myself for how hard it is to be gay with the abandonment issues my dad laid on me. From this position of understanding, I was able to start working on my issues not from the perspective of "I should be doing better at this." but from the position of "i am in pain from this for irrational reasons and should release it." But, I had to deal with the pain and fear of abandonment before I could come out.

During this process, a method of smoking pot helped me immensely. I would not smoke for a while, then smoke a huge amount and lay down on my bed with no stimulus. Then, I would think about sex. During this, I had more access to my unconscious and could start mapping out the problems I had with my sexuality. This usually resulted in a very unpleasant experience. Usually, I would have some minor revalation that would stun me. But, I kept chipping away, with the attitude that I'd rather know the truth. So, I kept this up. Enough insights piled up during this therapy with Ms. Jane that I was able to realize that coming out was really important to me. But, these insights alone to not make changes. So, to make the changes, I also worked on some loving kindness meditations to help feel the stuff emotionally that I was dealing with on an intellectual level. This helped a lot. So, I came out on the phone with my friend. She had recently moved, and I knew (from dealing with other gay men who are older) that if she slipped out of my life before I came out to her, I would resent and hate myself forever for it. She was really supportive. During one of my attempts to bring it up a while previous I had went on a rant about some assholes doing some "I'm gonna go fuck 10 bitches at the club" machismo shit, and she said that she thought so after that conversation. It was really good to me that she was just so concerned with letting me get it all out. Since I came out to her, I have felt just wave of wave of relief for over 2 weeks now. It's still coming. After talking to her on the phone, I saw her this weekend and at the end of our visit I just totally broke down. I wasn't sad, but having people accept and be at ease around me so easily was something I never let myself think about, and it responded so powerfully to the sorts of needs being touch adverse made worse. I don't think I've ever felt love before that wasn't wrapped up in trying to control me. I was so happy. She just let me cry and hugged me, and I knew she was cool with me. It wasn't just that though. I felt like it was all caught up in those early memories, and I could feel them being released. Now I feel so much happier and at ease.

I think using marijuana combined with assosiations and a knowledge of psychology and a willingness to be honest with myself about it helped me a lot. I think tripping helped a lot. During my binges during the fall, I layed a lot of the groundwork to deal with this problem. During my last trip, I was informed (not told, but after the trip, I knew it) that I was not allowed to trip again until I dealt with this. Meditation has helped a lot. In particular, a loving kindness meditation from Jack Kornfeld's A Path with Heart, where you visualize yourself at all the different parts of your life while repeating a phrase (I used "May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be at ease. May I be happy. May I let go.") helped a ton. After doing this just once, I felt a huge difference. I think this meditation was helpful because thinking of yourself in vunerable situations (like the abandonment thing) and wishing yourself to be at ease with it can really bring the pain you are holding to the surface, and this can release it if you are able to really feel it.

Since coming out to my friend, I've felt a huge amount of relief and euphoria and freedom. My sex drive came back about 1000 percent. For the first time in a long time, I can feel my skin and get something besides anxiety. More generally, my head feels much clearer. Like some of the rot was removed.

If you are gay, I want to say what I wish someone would of said to me. "It's really fucking hard. You don't ned to come out yet. Take the time to explore your own mind enough to figure out what about being gay is causing you pain, and deal with that first. When a childhood pain comes up that makes you have problems with being gay, take the time to be with it and feel it, so it won't hold so much power over you."

I was always out on the shroomery. Your guys support has helped put me in a position to let people closer to me also support me. Thanks guys!

Thanks for listening.


--------------------
"I am eternally free"


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Offlinecrunchytoast
oppositional

Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 1,133
Loc: aporia
Last seen: 9 years, 8 months
Re: coming out [Re: tomk] * 1
    #4422594 - 07/19/05 10:14 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

powerful, honest post.

you've had to go through a lot of processing.

i thought this was beautiful:
Quote:


After talking to her on the phone, I saw her this weekend and at the end of our visit I just totally broke down. I wasn't sad, but having people accept and be at ease around me so easily was something I never let myself think about, and it responded so powerfully to the sorts of needs being touch adverse made worse. I don't think I've ever felt love before that wasn't wrapped up in trying to control me. I was so happy. She just let me cry and hugged me, and I knew she was cool with me. It wasn't just that though. I felt like it was all caught up in those early memories, and I could feel them being released. Now I feel so much happier and at ease.





--------------------
"consensus on the nature of equilibrium is usually established by periodic conflict." -henry kissinger


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OfflineWeAreAllOne
Opethian

Registered: 06/25/05
Posts: 2,649
Loc: Pennsylvania
Last seen: 10 years, 7 months
Re: coming out [Re: crunchytoast]
    #4422704 - 07/19/05 11:08 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

That gives me goosebumps.  :heart: :thumbup:


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: coming out [Re: tomk] * 1
    #4425194 - 07/19/05 09:44 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

What you have done is powerful work. You have the courage of a lion. More, you have a loving heart. What an inspiration you are to me. I had the same kind of father as you it seems. I also have problems feeling myself and my body. Things are starting to open up for me also. Thank you for sharing this, and I am going to work with some of your ideas in my own self therapy. WOW.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlinetomk
King of OTD

Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 9 months, 4 hours
Re: coming out [Re: Icelander]
    #4447394 - 07/24/05 06:19 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks guys.  I would of responded earlier but my computer was broken.  I feel a absolute world of difference since then, even now a week later I am still on the same wavelength.  It's good.  :laugh:


--------------------
"I am eternally free"


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OfflineHugh_Jass
pantydealer
Registered: 04/25/02
Posts: 82
Loc: Northern Ireland
Last seen: 5 years, 7 months
Re: coming out [Re: tomk]
    #4457014 - 07/26/05 09:13 PM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Great post, I feel so happy for you. I wish I was as in touch with myself.

I just came out to my parents before Christmas. I don't think I was really ready I wanted to wait until I was completely sure of myself before I came out. I was a bit upset and thought if I don't take this opportunity now I might never take it, so I did.

I told my mother and she told my father, I knew the right way to phrase things to break it to them, I told them "I thought I was gay". I was shocked how well they took it, it was like nothing really changed we actually probably got a bit closer. There were a few awkard conversations after but nothing major. After 'coming out' tho, I never felt so confused.

Now the issue had become so much more real and I threw it right before myself. I knew I was gay before for years but never wanted to accept it, I would tell myself I was bi, etc, anything but gay. I was also involved with some people who were trying to help me and had very strong opinions about this but it only pushed me the other way. I think they got too involved and I would try to be contrary at times.

Two weeks after telling my parents I ended up having a girl home on Christmas night and decided I was going to give it one last go at being straight. I ended it after 6 weeks or so because I knew it wasn't going to work out and it helped me realise some things but it was quite painfull.

I needed to take a step back from everyone and I made changes in my life, some people in my life were just not good for me. I had alot of aquaintences but no true friends, I was going out every week getting absolutely hammered with these people, trying to fit into an environment where I didn't feel comfortable or supported. I was trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be or what other people wanted me to be.

I began to get a lot closer to a female friend and through taking a step back felt a lot more relaxed and through time began to accept myself more. I still did a lot of going out and getting hammered but I confronted it. I went out with D and it was just about enjoying our selves, we didn't need anybody else and I wasn't out looking for girls or guys. (I think this is where I lost my sex drive! lol)

At Easter I came out to a close straight male friend and it went very well.
Shortly after I met a new guy, who I'm still seeing and felt a lot better about myself I did not feel the need to go out and get hammered.

Telling D was the final and biggest step of coming to terms and accepting my sexuality and I felt a huge weight of relief. I still feel I have some way to come though.

I had never thought about being touch adverse until I read your post and I think I may be somewhat too. My body is very sensitive to touch and can relate back to childhood where I wouldn't let people touch me.

This has been the same emotionally and in the past I have felt at times why do people want to get close to me? Get inside my head, this felt very scary and overwhelming. Its only been over the past year that I have felt people have seen all sides of me, before I felt that I was always hiding something.

I'm entering a serious relationship for the first time(new set of problems lol) and feel like I'm ready to trip again. Its been a long time since I had a proper trip, I have not felt mentally strong enough to handle tripping especially after experimenting with salvia.

I've been binge drinking a lot and working almost every day on top of college. I do not feel like I think about things in life as much as I used to and I feel much more simple for this. I have been avoiding thinking or running away in my sub conscious.

Been thinking of doing a solo trip this week but my first trips were solo and I got frustrated at having no one to talk to or share the experience with. My friend will be returning from American soon and I know he wants to trip for the first time but I wouldnt want to drag any of this into his first trip. Still working on the sex drive too, slowly but surely!


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