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Registered: 06/14/00
Posts: 29,281
Loc: Shroomery B-list.
Last seen: 7 years, 6 months
I need an empty ampitheatre.
    #4392285 - 07/11/05 02:12 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

And a week.

Thoughts on life....thoughts on self.
I'm feeling particularly unstable.....addicted to alcohol....addicted to nicotine....falling into a depressive state, aided by the crash from both.
My mood bounces around far too much for my liking...that's a lifelong thing, but the extremes are definitely amplified by the substance abuse.
And there is no high point.
No sense of accomplishment in my life. No future.
Innate HATRED of EVERYTHING wars with apathy and some kernel of kindness...end result being a serious self-destructive streak.
I've done pretty well at wrecking anything good in my life...anytime something new and worthwhile comes along, i can feel the urge to destroy seething just below my conciousness.....waiting for a time when there is something there, some emotion invested by myself, some emotion invested by the other party, if there is one....waiting for a slip in demeanor and mood to allow barely noticed actions and occasionally brutally overt actions to cause pain, cause suffering....destroy something that took effort to make.
And it's always a subtle destruction....there's no satisfaction in brute demolition...it's always pinpoint.....pull this thread, watch self scramble to put it together.....let hope coincide with effort.....knowing that no matter what will be done, the end result will be a drawn out torture. A spiral of increasingly desperate ploys and failing hope that can be enjoyed even as it gives pain.

But my depression that takes the form of apathy is a hedge against this....retreating towards a nearly catatonic state....don't build anything, and the dark self won't have anything to destroy.....move on autopilot, do what is minimal to survive, sometimes not even that....just sink deeper into an internal void. Leave the world to its devices, hide in the self, and watch as life passes by, knowing that any real attempt at interaction will just lead to a tortuous destruction of whatever i find...deluding the self into thinking that this is some kind of self-sacrifice, a way to better the existance of others. Keeping the potential for the damage i so desire as low as possible.
The destruction my dark soul lusts for can't be easy either....there has to be a sense of dominion, of having bested SOMETHING.....if it's easy, it's not worth doing. There's no pleasure in hurting children....it's the overcoming of defenses, the demolition of all attempts at self preservation, especially the most fortified taht brings the twist of hatred fulfilled.
It's really the only fulfillment i feel.....there is an overlay of an emotional being in me, but the core of my self has no feelings....just some organic mechanism, bent on utter carnage in the emotional, physical, philosophical senses...
WHere there should be a twinge of fear at that thought, there is only acknowledgement.

Sometimes i wish i had emotions....wish that they weren't curled up into an undetectable ball, to be reviewed and applied in an endless quest for manipulation. I halted overt manipulation years ago....some flash of morals. People don't deserve what i am, what i desire to do to them. Yet still i manipulate.....and each step away from that brings me closer to catatonia.

The only logical conclusion to this progression is death, one way or other, inevitable as the sunrise. Brought about by my dark self, the ultimate destruction, the ultimate fullfillment of the HATRED that is my core.....watching the self fight against this. Watching the self give in to that sweet temptation.
suicide of the soul.

I need an empty ampitheatre, a week, and some time....this has to stop. But i dread finding out that it can't be.

just a glimpse into my twisted mind, pass along.....revel in your own trials....leave this one by the wayside, immobilized by an internal struggle that will never end.....
pass along.

"..all those molecules thrashing their kinky little tails, hot for destiny and the street."  Gibson

Nuke baby seals for Jesus!

(This has been a +1 production.)

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Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 197
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: I need an empty ampitheatre. [Re: Randolph_Carter]
    #4393160 - 07/11/05 06:26 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Protein...Yeah, you wern't breast-fed...Your needs were sacrificed for the American Dream, and the resentment has morphed :thumbup:

Search up asimilatable proteins and fix yourself right up. :lolz0rz:

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Polypharmaceutical Shaman

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 03/07/05
Posts: 1,148
Loc: The void
Last seen: 5 years, 2 months
Re: I need an empty ampitheatre. [Re: Randolph_Carter]
    #4394080 - 07/12/05 12:01 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

I think you really need to go to the middle of a field and just scream at the top of your lungs for a while. Rip out some grass. Punch some trees. Get it out of your system.

Two mile runs are my medicine. That combined with a trip to the gym every day really cuts back on my stress level. I think you are holding too much in and it is starting to really eat you away from the inside.

We need a real Fight Club.

I spit reality, instead of what you usually learn
and I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice
cause I'm the only motherfucker that can change my life

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Bilbo Baggins
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Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 10 years, 9 months
Re: I need an empty ampitheatre. [Re: PowerTrip]
    #4394319 - 07/12/05 01:41 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

You should decide what you want to do and do it. Kill yourself if you want to die. It's not hard and the possibilities are endless. Jump off a building, shoot yourself, overdose. It's all good as long as it's painless. I suggest overdosing, jumping off a building, and shooting yourself before you hit the ground. If you're going to do something, you might as well do it right.

And there you go. That's what you wanted, right? You want to hate yourself and be catatonic. You might as well be dead if you've come to accept that reality.

You're alive. You should forget the bullshit and take yourself seriously. Realize that every thought and every feeling has purpose. Your emotions regulate your thinking. Your emotions are a reflection of your body. Try to better yourself and find a meaning. Intention and purpose are everything. What are your intentions? What is your purpose? There is a reason that you feel the way you feel. You need to accept that and move on. Nobody said life was fair. You have to play the cards you're given, even if you have a shitty hand. Don't you want to play the game? It's all you've got.

True fear and true emptiness are things that most people don't acknowledge. Atleast you have that much. Use it. Anything is better than the state of nothingness in which fear envelopes you. What person will say that they admire a coward or a weakling? Nobody. When you look at yourself, see courage and strength. See everything that you know you are capable of. That's the path you need to take.

Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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Don't DriveAngry
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Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 166
Loc: Dirty South
Last seen: 8 years, 3 months
Re: I need an empty ampitheatre. [Re: PowerTrip]
    #4394982 - 07/12/05 05:52 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)


PowerTrip said:
We need a real Fight Club.

The best idea. Ever.


~I was born of a voice untimely,
the so-called echo of a man's ordure~

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Registered: 05/08/03
Posts: 23,285
Loc: oakland
Re: I need an empty ampitheatre. [Re: mrsautoman]
    #4395023 - 07/12/05 06:46 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)


KittenBreath said:

PowerTrip said:
We need a real Fight Club.

The best idea. Ever.

:nonono: instead of just releasing the 'symptoms' (rage, frustration, anger, anxiety, feelings of inferiority, etc), i think all of our energy would be much better spent working to create a society where those symptoms don't arise. certainly conflict/competition/dialectic are a natural part of our world - but whereas today they most often take the form of negative competition (ie you and I run a race, and i trip you so that i can win), i believe we would all be better off if they took the form of 'positive' competition (ie you and i run a race, i see you beating me, and i push myself harder to catch up.. you see me coming past you, gain more internal strength at seeing that, and speed up yourself). but maybe that's just me? :shrug:


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