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Offlinedr0mni
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Registered: 08/21/04
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another night of false hope and empty self-promises...
    #4352531 - 06/29/05 10:32 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

for the past couple days I haven't woken up any earlier than 1pm. I just ended my summer classes, and don't have a job. Basically I am just wasting time until my trip to canada in a few weeks. And let me tell you, I am a master of wasting time!

Every day I tell myself I want to quit smoking pot, and start meditating everyday. But as soon as an opportunity to smoke comes along I just say "fuck it". Whenever a chance to meditate or exercise comes along I just say "i'm too high/tired". Any chance of self improvement or enrichment that comes my way is always squandered by apathy and laziness.

I spent a good chunk of today reading "DMT: The Spirit Molecule" which is very inspiring since I want to become a psychedelic scientist. I just stayed home all day, read, and thought about what I could achieve if I just got off my ass and started putting in effort. My health, my mind, my life goals, my spirituality. I could probably get back together with my long time g/f too.

Since I was locked up all day, I didn't smoke at all. Not even a cigarette. No alcohol or nothin. After reading I figured since I still felt too burned out to meditate, that I should stretch my atrophied legs. After that I decided I should take a jog. My roomy and I ran around the block just once, and our lungs could barely handle it. I felt like I was going to die if I didn't walk for at least half of the way. "we should do this more often, and quit smoking" we said to each other.

I've got one good day of clear headedness and bodily purification under my belt now and I also took some melatonin in order to straighten out my sleeping schedule. I wonder if I can stretch it out and make this last. I hope I can, otherwise this was just another night of false hopes and emty self-promises.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: another night of false hope and empty self-promises... [Re: dr0mni]
    #4352833 - 06/29/05 11:23 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

good luck in visiting the places you have forgotten


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OfflineTubOlucinogens
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Registered: 06/10/05
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Re: another night of false hope and empty self-promises... [Re: dr0mni]
    #4353602 - 06/30/05 01:37 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)

I can relate to this in a lot of ways. Atrophy is the exhaustion of just doing nothing, and I don't think doing anything else compares to that exhaustion. I tend to deprive myself of things intermittently as well, creating regimens and furthering my self-discipline and whatnot. It doesn't surprise me that I see a lot of people experiencing this same behavior. You CAN prevail in your attempts.



Edited by TubOlucinogens (06/30/05 01:39 AM)


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InvisibleIcelander
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Registered: 03/15/05
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Re: another night of false hope and empty self-promises... [Re: dr0mni]
    #4354607 - 06/30/05 10:05 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Stay with the exercise. Try dancing in your livingroom to music you love. If you can build up some energy through exercise, the rest might just fall into place.

A wise friend told me. Spiritual living takes energy. If all of your energy is used up in day to day survival, you will have none left for growth or change.

Find the easiest way to build some energy and stay with it. Drop all the other shoulds for awhile and just enjoy getting in touch with energy. By the way I have the same problems, you are not alone for sure. :thumbup: :heart:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlinedr0mni
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Re: another night of false hope and empty self-promises... [Re: Icelander]
    #4354810 - 06/30/05 11:42 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)

yeah, I definitely should start by sleeping right and exercising. Once your biorhythm is in tune then everything else does seem to fall into place.

This is day two. I woke up at like 10:30am which isn't so bad compared to before. I really don't know if that melatonin actually helps you get to sleep. Everytime I take it I always toss and turn all night, but it does seem to set my rhythm straight.

tubOlucinogens>> I'm not surprised that other people do the same thing. I think it's an american/western thing. Only in america (and other post-modernized countries) can a 19yo man sit on his ass all summer. God this country is dangerously luxurious!

Icelander>> yeah, I love to dance, I used to just rave everywhere I went, even if there was no music. But I have downstairs neighbors and I'd have to stomp around a lot to get the workout I need from dancing. I should go to a rave! I've got a bunch of acid too... God I would love to fucking trance out for five hours and dance till I find god! LOL!

"A wise friend told me. Spiritual living takes energy. If all of your energy is used up in day to day survival, you will have none left for growth or change."

But see that's the thing. I DON'T expend energy for survival. I don't expend ANY energy! I don't need to have a job, so I don't. School is out. I can't work on growing my shrooms 'cause they'd be fruiting while I am out of town for a few weeks. I've got plenty of excess energy, I just don't know what to do with it.

You are right though. I need to quit the "I should..." bullshit and just do!

This is all okay though. I guess everyone finds themselves in a slump every now and then. Seven months ago I was estatic with spiritual furvor and energy. That was right after I decided to quit abusing psychedelics and use them only for spiritual purposes. The feeling of effort and sacrifice... it really drove me then...


Edited by dr0mni (06/30/05 11:48 AM)


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InvisibleIcelander
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Registered: 03/15/05
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Re: another night of false hope and empty self-promises... [Re: dr0mni]
    #4354852 - 06/30/05 12:02 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

You're right we all slump at times, love yourself as you are in these times and they will pass.

Maybe you could try talking a walkman out to a lonely spot and dance in the woods? :dancing:

Sometimes doing nothing and feeling unmotivated is because we are not happy and fullfilled in some way. Often we are not on our own path and are living for others, It could be a number of other things. But it takes energy to do nothing. We are naturally vibrant energetic beings and to lay around takes energy believe it or not. This may or may not apply to you, but may be worth some thought.

Any way, YOU ROCK! :heart: and this too shall pass. :grin: :mushroom2:

The rave idea sounds great! :thumbup:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlinedr0mni
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Re: another night of false hope and empty self-promises... [Re: Icelander]
    #4355445 - 06/30/05 03:14 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

yeah, I love that "this too shall pass" story. I always try to keep that in mind.

Thanks a lot for the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

I stretched my legs out this morning and meditated a bit. Didn't get too deep since I still feel a little burned and tired, but I feel good for trying.

Things seem to be pointing in a positive direction.


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Invisibledorkus
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Re: another night of false hope and empty self-promises... [Re: dr0mni]
    #4355659 - 06/30/05 04:16 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

I appreciate your art (especially the hillside). Trembling life. Just dropping by to let you know. :grin:


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Offlinedr0mni
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Re: another night of false hope and empty self-promises... [Re: dorkus]
    #4356038 - 06/30/05 05:31 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

thanks, I have a shitload of my art that is way better than this stuff, but hardly any of it is in digital form...


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Offlinedr0mni
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Re: another night of false hope and empty self-promises... [Re: dr0mni]
    #4364418 - 07/02/05 10:32 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

well I fell off the wagon... of course

on the second night I took 12mg of melatonin to get to sleep and fix my cycle but COULD NOT! I finally got out of bed at 4am and watched some Friends.

Later that day my brother came over and had weed. As soon as he started rolling the joint I knew I would give in. 3 days sober... pretty sad.

So I got high and passed the fuck out from 36 hours of not sleeping.

I woke up today and meditated again for like an hour or so. I'm not giving up. No more smoking (until I go on vacation to canada... it's vacation, give me a break! lol!).


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Invisibleorechron
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Re: another night of false hope and empty self-promises... [Re: dr0mni]
    #4364430 - 07/02/05 10:39 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Only in america (and other post-modernized countries) can a 19yo man sit on his ass all summer.

NOBODY EVER TOLD ME THIS WAS AN OPTION! I've been deceived!

Good luck with the exercise. One thing I found that helped me get out of a 3 year depression was waking up every day before 9, drinking 2 large glasses of water, and stretching. Even if I didn't have anything to do in the morning and went back to bed for a couple of hours I would wake up feeling good and ready to start my day. It also helps me with sleeping.


--------------------
Live by the foma that make you brave, and kind, and healthy, and happy.


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