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Anonymous #1

I'm in love with my best friend
    #4297971 - 06/15/05 04:16 AM (11 years, 5 months ago)

Hey everyone, how goes it?

Please, hear my situation..

I was introduced to this girl, (let's call her 'S') about 6 months ago. We quickly became good friends, and we are currently the best of friends. We have this wonderful friendship, it's really awesome.

Problem is, I have recently developed feelings for S. I want to be with her as more than a friend, and I do not know what to do. It's to the point that I feel as though I love her.

If I tell her about these feelings, I fear she will feel betrayed, and the friendship will be damaged, or worse. If I don't tell her about the feelings, then they will build up inside of me until I am forced to do something...like eventually tell her, and maybe have to end the friendship for my sake.

I also fear that if I don't tell her, then I will have missed out on an oppurtunity for a relationship. ..She might be in the same position that I am in, right?

At the same time..I cherish this friendship a great deal, and understand how important a friendship like this is. A part of me wants to keep it at a best friends level, while a part of me wants more. I am split 50/50, and terribly stressed over this.

I have bored over this in my mind for weeks, and now I turn to you, fellow Shroomerites, for some helpful advice. Perhaps you have been in this type of situation before? I think a girl's advice would possibly be extra beneficial here..

Thank you, and peace

=0)


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Invisiblespudamore
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Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 1,460
Loc: Australia
Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: ]
    #4297989 - 06/15/05 04:23 AM (11 years, 5 months ago)

just go and tell her, no regrets. i have known some people in the same position, even though the relationship was past, it brought there friendship even closer than before.


--------------------
suicide a permanent solution to a temporary problem


Edited by spudamore (06/15/05 04:24 AM)


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OfflineGodspeed
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: ]
    #4298012 - 06/15/05 04:29 AM (11 years, 5 months ago)

girls are usually first to let on if they like a guy. if you haven't been hinted that she's interested in physical companionship, then i'd say 9/10 chances that she isn't. this is completely subjective, but i'm just a boy who's observed these things.

look at it with reasonable logic - how do the physical appearances relate. are you average and she stunning? stuff like that seems trivial when you're infatuated with someone, in your head you've been dreaming of the perfect case but it's not going to be like that probably.

it seems girls are easier to read than guys. girls are always asking if so or so likes them, guys do the same, but it seems guys keep it hidden better. just don't be the typical golucky male and get drunk and say 'i like you' or whatever, girls don't like that. touch her or breeze her softly, almost unintentionally, like you're not even thinking about it. then she sees you're already familar and comfortable with her, and girls like that. don't get her flowers or shit and write a letter, thats nonsense and girls don't get eaten up by that. hint in subtle, harmonic ways, then read her eyes to see if she responds to them.

when she glances at you, hesitantly turn away, as if it would be your death to stare at anything less beautiful.


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OfflineBard
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: ]
    #4298052 - 06/15/05 04:43 AM (11 years, 5 months ago)

If you tell her, there may be difficulties, but if you are sincere to each other, given time your relationship will be even better, closer, whatever the outcome. If you don't tell her, then you realy will give her a reason to feel betrayed, rightfully I say, because you are not sincere with her.

I was in the same situation with a girl, I kept telling her  everything, for a long time :wink: , now, we are the best friends, but just friends.

I wish you luck!  :thumbup: :heart:


--------------------
So dreaming let's you know reality exists.



I don't belive. I fear.


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Offlinedalorean
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Registered: 04/06/02
Posts: 287
Loc: AZ
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: Bard]
    #4298136 - 06/15/05 05:22 AM (11 years, 5 months ago)

The friendship you got is hard to come by(at least for me). Be careful how you go about it. But like Bard said, true friendships share EVERYTHING with eachother. Don't leave her in the dark. Goodluck


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Invisiblebigbob
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Registered: 01/27/05
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: dalorean]
    #4298142 - 06/15/05 05:30 AM (11 years, 5 months ago)

Ha Ha ... hahahahaha ... ha ha too you my friend .. hahahahaha


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Invisibleredtailedhawk
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: bigbob]
    #4298249 - 06/15/05 08:29 AM (11 years, 5 months ago)

I was in exact same situation not long ago. What ever you do man, do NOT(!) tell her how you feel! I know you want to, I know you've seen in the movies, I know you think you should be honest and straightforward about it, but that only works in fairy tales!  :crazy2: Because when you tell her you're in love  :heart: with her, what she's hearing is "I need you, I must have you, I want you, I will never let you go, I want you to have my babies, we must spend the rest of our lives together. Do you love me? You must love me! Say you love me! Please, please say it!!! I will kill both of us right now, if you don't say it! SAAAAAAY IT!!!!!". Get it? This is a lot of pressure for a girl and unless she's madly in love with you already (I doubt it), she will just run for the hills.

The transition from friends to lovers can be done, though, but it will take a load of patience, knowledge (see below), planning and balls from you. And if you get in the right mind-set the entire process of seduction can be a mind-blowing trip. :mushroom2:

From Friends To Lovers
By Peter Tang (this isn't me)


You thought she was cute the first time you laid eyes on her. So you started a conversation, and the two of you really clicked. But as fate would have it, your relationship took a path of friendship. To your dismay, she's grown on you. You love the way she smiles, her gorgeous eyes, and everything about her. Now you realize that she's one of a kind, but you're just her friend. Doh!

If it's any consolation, you are not alone in this predicament. The "just friends" dilemma is very common, because many guys buy into the myth that friendship is the best path to romance. They fail to realize that most women sort their relationships into two distinct categories, platonic or romantic. So while the nice guy is busy making friends with her parents and her dog, some lucky jerk gets all of her affection.

So if you are tired of standing around, while other guys date your girl, maybe it's time to step up to the plate and take a swing at romance. But before you set off to win her heart, let me give you a quick warning. The process, of changing your status from friend to lover, is risky business. You may spoil a good friendship. So make your decision carefully.

Personally, I live by the adage, "no guts no glory." So if you're ready to take that step, please read on. Below is the method that I have used, many times, to move from friendship to romance.

The key to my success is subtlety. As a bank robber would say, "no sudden moves." I never come out and tell the girl that I'm "crazy about her." That is the single best way to ruin things, because words cannot be retracted. Instead, I take small steps and constantly test the water. If notice a spark of interest, I move to the next step. On the other hand, if I sense a strain on the relationship, I can back off and save the friendship.

I begin by subtlety increasing the amount of physical contact. There are many ways to do this, but let me give you one example. While sitting across from her, I'll place my foot against hers. Sometimes I'll touch her hand or rub her shoulder. Then I watch her reaction. If a look of unease crosses her face, I back off. But if she looks pleased, the I'll slowly turn up the heat in phase two.

The purpose of the first phase is to leave clues that no warm-blooded woman could miss. This leaves her thinking about me and analyzing my new behavior to death. She reflects upon her feelings towards me, and plans her response to any future advances on my part.

In phase two, I increase the level of physical intimacy. I start by wearing my best cologne. Then, while walking somewhere, I'll look for opportunities to put my arm around her shoulders. If she suddenly becomes rigid, I'll simply back off and pretend that nothing happened. But if she moves closer, I'll know that some level of physical chemistry exists. After all, she has had time to plan her reaction.

In phase three, the stakes are high. This is the right time to formally introduce romance into the relationship. The key is to do this in a nonchalant manner. I usually invite her on a date to some movie, a low-key and non-intimidating activity. When asking her out, I purposely use the word "date" to make my intentions crystal clear. If she refuses, I apologize and act like nothing happened. Chances are, the friendship will still survive. But in most cases, if she passes the first two screening phases, she'll accept the invitation. Be sure to seal the evening with a kiss, and the rest will be history. Good luck.

YOU MAY ALSO WANT TO READ:

http://www.lovetactics.com/index.html
http://www.seducersworld.com/chapters.html
http://www.sosuave.com/
http://www.acmelove.com/


--------------------

"Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."


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Offlinestefan
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: redtailedhawk]
    #4298287 - 06/15/05 09:01 AM (11 years, 5 months ago)

good post! indeed that seems like the best way.
Just telling her is honest but can indeed scare her away and ruin a friendship (I've been there and it sucks :smirk:). So go with the advice posted in the post above mine :thumbup:


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Anonymous #1

Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: ]
    #4299350 - 06/15/05 02:42 PM (11 years, 5 months ago)

Well shit, I'm getting advice from both ends of the spectrum here.  :crazy:

I liked the idea of telling her...and I was actually planning on doing that pretty soon.  But then redtailedhawk comes and tells me that I absolutely do not want to do that.  And actually, redtailed, that post was pretty helpful.  It sort of changed my mind...but I'm still kind of in the middle.

Maybe I'll do try out the "From Friends To Lovers" process...why not?

:doh:


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Invisiblelooner2
ABBA fan

Registered: 06/20/04
Posts: 3,849
Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: ]
    #4299382 - 06/15/05 02:47 PM (11 years, 5 months ago)

listen to redtailedhawk!!

seriously, DO NOT TELL HER YOUR FEELINGS.


--------------------
I am in love with Acidic_Sloth



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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
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Registered: 03/15/05
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: looner2]
    #4299805 - 06/15/05 04:19 PM (11 years, 5 months ago)

Yes! Hiding and lying is always the best policy when it comes to love. :laugh:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Invisiblelooner2
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Registered: 06/20/04
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: Icelander]
    #4300314 - 06/15/05 06:25 PM (11 years, 5 months ago)

Yes! Hiding and lying is always the best policy when it comes to love.

READ THE ENTIRE THREAD!  :thumbup:


--------------------
I am in love with Acidic_Sloth



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Offlinethe_phoenix
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: looner2]
    #4300524 - 06/15/05 07:06 PM (11 years, 5 months ago)

If you do speak completely honestly with her, be sure to mention that you also value your shared pleutonic friendship, and if she doesn't want it to get more serious then you're man enough to continue the friendship. Just make it clear that you don't 'need' her, which is indeed how she might interpret it, as has been said. Now if you can't honestly say that, because if you honestly do need her as more than a friend, then get a grip of yourself. :smile: If the friendship becomes a cover for deeper intentions, then the whole thing is botched from the get-go. And if you explain yourself clearly and rationally and refrain from being swept up in emotions, then I think even if she doesn't want to get more serious that she'll be able to continue with the friendship.


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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: ]
    #4300674 - 06/15/05 07:48 PM (11 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Perhaps you have been in this type of situation before? I think a girl's advice would possibly be extra beneficial here..




I qualify on both counts, so I will put in my two cents.

I grew to love my best friend last year, and struggled when it came to either being honest (and risking rejection) or keeping my feelings to myself (and reducing the intimacy level of our friendship).

I decided that I would like myself more for being completely honest, whatever his reaction to my disclosure, so I wrote a letter and told him everything.

He told me that he was not attracted to me, and that he could not see our friendship ever being more. (ouchie) It hurt like hell to hear that, and I took a week off from seeing him to consider whether I was capable of spending time with him as "just friends."

I decided that our friendship was precious to me, and I wanted to have him in my life in whatever capacity was possible. We continued to spend time together, and I continued to be honest and express my feelings without pressuring him in any way.

Four months after I wrote my letter, he looked at me & realized he was in love with me. (According to him). We now have an amazing relationship, which would never have had a chance to develop if I had not been willing to play the "fool" and be upfront about my feelings.

Maybe your friend loves you, too. Maybe not. I believe your friendship will ultimately benefit from your honesty, whether it develops into something more or not.


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Offlinenightkrawler
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: Veritas]
    #4300760 - 06/15/05 08:15 PM (11 years, 5 months ago)

there are two options that i would be considering.

1. just tell her how you feel, but dont tell her too much, dont say anything about love.

or

2. get drunk with her(but not too drunk) at a party of some sort. when you're talking to her, touch her arm, or her back every once in awhile. if she gets closer to you, and she seems like she likes it, put your arm around her. if she likes you in that way, things will happen, if she doesn't, you'll be able to tell from her gestures.

i'd try the second technique first. if she doesn't react the way you hope, you could always try telling her.


--------------------

Not all who wander are lost - J.R.R. Tolkien


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InvisibleRandalFlagg
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: looner2]
    #4302018 - 06/16/05 01:38 AM (11 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

looner2 said:
listen to redtailedhawk!!

seriously, DO NOT TELL HER YOUR FEELINGS.




If he does tell her his feelings....I wish I could be there to somehow bottle the rejection that will emanate from her. Maybe this girl-repellant product could find a niche in the economy somehow.


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OfflineBard
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: ]
    #4302556 - 06/16/05 04:59 AM (11 years, 5 months ago)

It's not about being honest, or lying to her, but being honest or lying to yourself. If you wnat her more than a friend, then do something, anything, don't repress your feelings. The exact method, can be anything which suits you.

But don't panic, if she is really your best friend, then even if you rejected, your friendship won't end.


--------------------
So dreaming let's you know reality exists.



I don't belive. I fear.


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Offlinedrtyfrnk
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: Bard]
    #4303161 - 06/16/05 12:29 PM (11 years, 5 months ago)

Just tell her that you like her and see how she reacts, no love or any mention like that.

I've been in this situation before, but mine failed miserably many times :P

Oh well, I'm good to go now :laugh:


--------------------
It's Krang, Bitch!  :krang:


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InvisibleVvellum
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: redtailedhawk]
    #4303205 - 06/16/05 12:41 PM (11 years, 5 months ago)

those are some good links.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: I'm in love with my best friend [Re: looner2]
    #4303266 - 06/16/05 12:56 PM (11 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

looner2 said:
Yes! Hiding and lying is always the best policy when it comes to love.

READ THE ENTIRE THREAD!  :thumbup:




Hey! I did. :lol:  Thats still my answer.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


Edited by Icelander (06/16/05 12:57 PM)


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