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InvisibleDickhead
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Experience Report::: Insanity, Death ? Years of recouperation - Peace.
    #4285505 - 06/12/05 03:36 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

If LSD or another Psychedelic has left you dangled, confused, afraid and tormented; ? Breathe? In time the trauma will unravel?

You have found a difficult path, but you are OK. Living will still have beauty. You are not alone. I have seen total eclipse without hope of day. It took years but I am happy with a loving partner and a healthy sane life. I am a better, more aware, more caring and happier person than I would have been without these experiences. I would not change the choices I?ve made:

It started with 2 hits of Blue Microdot. The 16 hours or more of tripping was only the beginning. It took years for me to stitch myself back together.
.
I ate 1 and a Half hits of LSD, and I insufillated another half. Then I smoked about .2 grams of Hash.

All ready I felt uneasy, that something wasn?t right. It didn?t take long before nothing was right.

It is unexplainable? Beyond a thought, or feeling, or sense. A door opened? I was flooded with a new ?seeing?. I was unprepared and resisted. This is when I met with insanity.

I won?t go into the details of my complex and confused mind. It still give me shivers. I?ll just say that without a doubt that I was now insane, and going to stay that way for the rest of my life.

Metaphors grew out of nothing. A string of strange coincidences and some strong acid made me believe that I was suddenly in on some syndicate that operated on a psychic level., through metaphors and ?feelings?. I was being welcomed into the circle. Insanity was a network. I didn?t want to be a part of but it was too late.

Then I ?realized? I wasn?t insane but ?dead? I had Overdosed on LSD(I now know this is impossible) and I was riding in limbo needing to choose heaven or hell.

My cousin who I was close to all my life was cool with smoking cigarettes, weed and was high on the same LSD(having a great time with it I might add) became to me, a manifestation of Satan.

My older brother who was as clean as the come and totally naive to drugs became to me a manifestation of Jesus.

Of course I followed him around all night bugging the shit out of him to take me to heaven. This scared the ever living shit out of him. At one point I pissed my pants on purpose to try and convince myself I was still alive? But the trip had roots? and that was not enough to snap me out of it.

I was willing to do anything he suggested? However with his inexperience he would tell me to do things like go to sleep? Go lay down in my room with the lights off. There my body would fell as though it was disappearing.. That I was slipping into hell.(I wish now that I would have let go and experienced my inner workings)

I lept out of bed and did anything I could think of to get to heaven. I even tried calling my parents who were away on vacation.

I went through my peak doing these random and frantic things as I was certain I was going to fall into hell at any moment.

That night was long. As my cousin and I came down from our trips he ultimately talked me into finally going to bed and getting some sleep? I don?t recall if I actually ever slept. He left the next afternoon.

What is most formative and important is the week, and then, years afterward. A journey few people will ever make in this life.

The first week I spent afraid, confused, unable to eat or sleep. Alone in a true dementia. I?d watch Television and it would be spewing messages directly to me. EVERYTHING was a metaphor for heaven or hell, or a message from this syndicate. I began to believe this blanket of metaphor was a secret code that the world spoke and I was getting hip to it. Going down to Strawberry fields. Still, nothing really made sense? all a jumble.

One night that week I went to a friends house and believed every sentence they said to one another was linked to my dementia. Another close friend, who definitely knew I was in trouble said that he believed life was a test? and that everything had a reasonable and rational answer. Dunno if that?s absolutely true, but it snapped me into my first taste of reality in over a week.

I decide it was time to drive home to my parents house to reconcile my mind. I entered the house not really knowing what to say or do? I began telling them about this experience I had? Telling them that I had achieved a higher state of consciousness? etc. They looked frightened and confused. I realized that so was I.

Suddenly I broke down? Began telling them about my use of LSD, Marijuana and other
Drugs, how I was out of my mind, paranoid and afraid. Just the facts. My mother cried and my Father listened stone silent. That night was the most relieving and uplifting of my life. Likely the most difficult for my parents? all they could do was listen and hug me? This ladies and gents was way out of there league. I knew it? I knew I was teaching them. What mattered was that I was in a place where I was loved and accepted.
I was 16 years old and I slept on the floor at the foot of there bed.

I released all my secrets. If there is a sacred confession. This was it? I was cleansed by fire. I felt as though I rose from ashes? and I did. That night I was utterly humbled and humiliated by existence. I was a child again but also evolved.

The next week I didn?t leave my parents house I helped them with various jobs and house projects? If I found spare time, I?d find something to fill it.

It was like every day I died.. and re-awoke. Every day I teetered between heaven and hell. Small decisions like ?Which juice shall I buy and drink?? were wrapped in meaning and metaphor that extended beyond daily life, seemingly deciding my eternal fate. Just under everything was a mechanism, a test or a plot? Unraveling. I saw powers that we are all capable of? The power to live or to die any moment? I began seeing through the facades of judgment and morality. My learned belief systems eroded and were replaced with experience.

I?d raise my concerns with a close friend who had had similar experiences. He would console me, encourage me to believe in what was in front of me, work with what I knew and be wise not to open up these thoughts to the wrong people. As most would just label me insane and become afraid of me. He was of course totally right and a good friend for his patience and protection

For a time I lived my life shadowing my true thoughts and feelings about daily situations. I made some stunning life decisions. I traveled overseas alone to search my soul and mind. I sheded all my addictions, tobacco, TV, caffeine, sex all drugs and even meat/processed foods. This was all between the ages of 16 and 23.

It took me over a year till I could even talk to my cousin again. Many more till I could truly trust him.

I wish that databases such as Erowid, The Shroomery etc. existed when I went through this journey. Your help could have turned this vicious, horrific and difficult experience into something meaning full and use full from the beginning.

Much of my ?delusions? weren?t so at all. This life, this existence is a blanket of meaning and metaphor. Everything we see, touch, hear is a creation of our own perceptions. This can drive you mad, or make you powerful, exalted and blissful.

I am 27 as I write this. The lessons and impressions left by the LSD trip, the full week of dementia and the years of re-evaluating evolved me to a state of consciousness few ever reach. I am at peace with myself and my existence. I don?t want to die, but I am virtually unafraid of it. I see through the bullshit of war, violence and destruction. I seek and participate in peace. I believe we all wish to. LSD helped push these to the front of my consciousness. I had to go through hell. But these moments I now live are truly awake and free.

To this day I wonder if I'm actually ?alive? or if I?m alone - A drifting consciousness lingering in an endless construct of my own imagination - It doesn?t matter really. I found peace.


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OfflineGinseng1
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Re: Experience Report::: Insanity, Death ? Years of recouperation - Peace. [Re: Dickhead]
    #4285569 - 06/12/05 04:08 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

I wish that databases such as Erowid, The Shroomery etc. existed when I went through this journey. Your help could have turned this vicious, horrific and difficult experience into something meaning full and use full from the beginning.

Wouldn't you say that it was indeed meaningfull and usefull in your life.  Many people won't find peace ever in their lives.

To this day I wonder if I'm actually ?alive? or if I?m alone - A drifting consciousness lingering in an endless construct of my own imagination - It doesn?t matter really. I found peace.

This is what your ego wanted/s you to think.  are you alone in this existance... nah... all us humans are lucky enough to taste it.  We are all part of the same energy.  The ego is what is used to seperate our energies and embody it in flesh.

Well.. thats the way is see it.  I'm pretty sure im not just a figment of youre imagination.

Life is an emotional rollercoaster, and you embarked on a pretty big ride, but good for you man, looks like you've made it through..  :thumbup: :smirk:

Peace and love  :laugh: :smile: :heart: :thumbup: :mushroom2: :sun:


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Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...


Edited by Ginseng1 (06/12/05 04:12 AM)


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Offlineliveby
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Re: Experience Report::: Insanity, Death ? Years of recouperation - Peace. [Re: Ginseng1]
    #4285605 - 06/12/05 04:30 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

peace


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InvisibleDickhead
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Re: Experience Report::: Insanity, Death ? Years of recouperation - Peace. [Re: liveby]
    #4285633 - 06/12/05 04:47 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

It was meaningful and useful, yes.. But If I had a community like this 10 years ago I would have had somewhere to turn for guidance and important information(ie - you can't OD on LSD).

It wouldn't have taken so long to get to where I am today. I am certain of that.


Im right as rain now... and those Figment of imagination ideas are fleating and easily dismissed... Im a lucky person. No doubt.


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Invisiblemyndreach
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Re: Experience Report::: Insanity, Death ? Years of recouperation - Peace. [Re: Dickhead]
    #4285962 - 06/12/05 10:04 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

I find that LSD is like this...it really "sticks" to you. If you encounter strong thoughts and perceptions during a trip, there is always the risk that those feelings will linger for days/weeks/months/years after the trip is over. LSD can really change you that way. While I appreciate it and took it for what it was worth (over 30 or so trips), I'm done with LSD for this reason. It is too jarring, while mushrooms are a more gentle teacher.

I appreciate your post...it was very good. Thanks.


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InvisibleSociety
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Re: Experience Report::: Insanity, Death ? Years of recouperation - Peace. [Re: myndreach]
    #4288272 - 06/12/05 08:32 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

Reading this report brought a tear to my eye.

Would you ever do LSD or any other psychadelic again?


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OfflineAsanteA
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Re: Experience Report::: Insanity, Death ? Years of recouperation - Peace. [Re: Dickhead]
    #4290156 - 06/13/05 05:25 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

*sighs*

Oh man did you suffer.. I'm saddened by your tale, even though things are going steadily upwards for you. My God..

In the 1960s you had the Merry Pranksters who traveled around throwing wild parties called Acid Tests, where they would expose the general uninformed public to substantial doses of LSD. And one of the things they challenged people with was the slogan they even put on a big board:
"Can YOU Pass The Acid Test?"
And after those wild nights they wrapped up their stuff, got on their bus called Further and went to another town to "turn people on".

Well, you could not.
You failed the acid test. People are all fun & games about psychedelics, acting macho and have you not.. But there is a percentage who simply are shattered by the Psychedelic Experience, who get into longterm trouble. The "psychedelic casualties" who couldn't pass the Acid Test. And the bus drove on, party after party.

I would be understanding if you'd sucker-punch everyone who used the word "profundity" in your present. The "profound side" of Psychedelics have unhinged your psychological integrity for years on end, and because you spent your latter teens and early 20s in that state it became part of you, and you to this day hold deep-seated convictions about the fabric of reality that are far out of the ordinary.

If it takes little effort to deal with yourself, the world and the people around you the road to recovery has neared its completion.
Still, you will not return to a pristine oblivious "normalcy": the wounds have cut too deep, just like a war veteran who "saw too much".

I hope I'm being almost offensively redundant to you when I urge you to never, ever take a psychedelic again. I hope the thought of ever ingesting a psychedelic again is so outrageous to you that its fully unacceptable and completely out of the question. To do so might demolish your whole reality again, which you worked so hard to build, an a man can only handle so many devastating blows before he's down & out.

Medically speaking there is little doubt for me that you suffered a psychotic episode triggered by the LSD experience and perhaps aggrevated by garden variety adolescent turmoil. (having been 16 when this happened) The psychosis likely slowly withdrew from your life leaving you with residual symptoms. That you didn't enter the psychiatric circuit may or may not be a good thing but in any case it is very unfortunate that you did not receive anti-psychotic medication.

If I were your doctor (i'm not a doctor, but if) i'd put you on a low maintenence dose of antipsychotics, not as much to combat active psychosis now but to cushion the impact the world might have on you, particularly in stressful times. A chronic daily 2mg of haloperidol would likely suffice without sedating you too much or causing unpleasant side effects, after a few months ahave passed.
It might give you some more peace of mind and make the world less hectic when it is, and may in fact save you from much, much problems.

Quote:

I am 27 as I write this. The lessons and impressions left by the LSD trip, the full week of dementia and the years of re-evaluating evolved me to a state of consciousness few ever reach. I am at peace with myself and my existence. I don?t want to die, but I am virtually unafraid of it. I see through the bullshit of war, violence and destruction. I seek and participate in peace. I believe we all wish to. LSD helped push these to the front of my consciousness. I had to go through hell. But these moments I now live are truly awake and free.




Just like having successfully quit smoking shows more willpower than not having smoked at all, you can be very proud of yourself that you have pushed through these great problems and emerged from them at peace with yourself and your existence. Its tragedy that you had to fight so hard to get there, but life sometimes is like that, and from my own agonies of past I can say that you tend to come out way stronger than you got in.

I admire your strength but please, let your presence on this psychedelic site not persuade you to ever, EVER take psychedelics again and think about a minimal neurolepics maintenence dose.
Screw stigma, it's just a pill not unlike those 1/5 people in our society take.

It's good to have you with us, and you can be very proud of yourself  :heart:


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InvisibleDickhead
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Re: Experience Report::: Insanity, Death ? Years of recouperation - Peace. [Re: Asante]
    #4290399 - 06/13/05 10:29 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

I still do Psychedelics... and regularly.

I have pretty much mastered my mind. As you noticed I also have tremendous will. Pretty well fearless. Allmost always happy.

I tripped once at a party in Montreal and "realized" I was Satan... I freaked out a bit, and then calmed down and started trying to buy souls for a lark(most sold cheap btw).

Afterwards I had a usuall Paranoia of cops following me etc.. Point Being - there are few trips left to really scare me. I guess its sorta like after a bad burn you got no feeling left hahaha.

I've had 10g+(dryed) of zoomers over a night(last summer).. I still refuse to take more than 1 hit of LSD... But I still do it(occasionaly with close friends) and have wonderfull times. Ive done Salvia with minimal effect(and will breakthrough one day). I'm growing some desmanthus for aya.. and Extracted DMT.

I'm thankfull for what I went through. I found a type of peace that I only see mirrored by the very old.

Im 27, and I'll likely carry this peace till the day I die... Hopefully a long long time.

I love psychedelics and most likely will explore their world respectfully till my final days.

This is my true calling. I'm not affraid.

...Ok... SO I'm affraid of Datura.


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Invisiblemyndreach
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Re: Experience Report::: Insanity, Death ? Years of recouperation - Peace. [Re: Dickhead]
    #4290483 - 06/13/05 11:22 AM (16 years, 4 months ago)

Quote:

throy said:
...Ok... SO I'm affraid of Datura.




Good! You should be! Me too!


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OfflineGomp
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Re: Experience Report::: Insanity, Death ? Years of recouperation - Peace. [Re: Dickhead]
    #4291678 - 06/13/05 04:47 PM (16 years, 4 months ago)

We are dead, and this is the afterlife.. Great post!

:smile:


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