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 MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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 Drunken mistakes. 
#4215297 - 05/24/05 05:11 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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I have a long and miserable history with alcohol. I was an alcoholic at one point, quit and said I'd never drink again. I get very self-destructive and terrible when I've dranken too much, although this only happens if I am home. (because my persona crumbles and I'm not putting on a show anymore in the comfort of my own home)
I started up again because all my in-laws drink. I can't walk into their house without them pushing a drink of some kind into my hands. At first, I drank only when I was around them. Everything was cool, nothing got out of hand and I thought, "Hey, I've beat my alcohol problem. Great!"
So since I thought I had everything under control, I started drinking more. Every weekend, I'd get drunk, with friends. Everything was cool and nothing got out of hand.
Then I started drinking at home, alone, thinking I could handle it.
I cannot handle it.
I had an "incident" on Sunday, which I extremely regret. I got very wasted, started getting depressed, and then got destructive. I ended up slitting my wrist with a scalpel and bleeding all over the fucking apartment. I should have gone to the hospital, except all I could do was lay on the floor and bleed because I was so wasted.
I haven't self-injured in a very, very long time. (1 year, with 1 slip up inbetween)
I was so happy because I thought I had left that part of my life behind. 
The day after this incident, I felt like shit. Very anemic, pale, shaky/dizzy and I had a huge gash in my wrist which hurt like a bitch.
I've never hurt myself that badly on my wrist before. Self-injury was never about suicide for me. That was something different. But when I was drunk, I remember what I was in such a bad state of mind that I wanted to die.
And that breaks my heart. Because I am happier in my life then I've ever been. I know this post doesn't reflect that...but I *love* my life. I thought I loved who I've become.
It really destroys me to think I can become such a monster under the influence of alcohol.
And it makes me wonder...was it the alcohol, or is that how I truly am inside? 
It sucks to doubt oneself.
One thing is for sure...I really cannot drink again. I will not put my husband (who has been so, so supportive and patient) through this again. I can't.
I can't.
I don't know why I'm writing this...I can't stand posting about this dark aspect of myself on the Shroomery. I really want to be happy 100% of the time and I try to be. I really hate the fact that there is that dark part of me. But at the same time I want people I care for to know about that dark part of me, because if they know that, then they know almost all of me. Or maybe I just needed to talk a little. I've been feeling out of sorts since Sunday. I could really use some weed right now too but I took a break for a few days. Well, breaks over.
I don't have this self-destructive impulse with any other drug, just alcohol. Weed has done wonders for my anxiety/depression and shrooms are just so fucking helpful.
It's just the alcohol. Which sucks because like I said, I have family who are big drinkers and I always feel obligated to drink around them.
It just stinks that alcohol is so legal while weed is so illegal. I'd rather smoke a joint anyday then drink a glass of wine.
Nothing else can compare with what alcohol has put me through. And yep, trust me, I'm quite aware it's irresponsible to blame shit on the drug. I chose to take it, I DID. I know that. Maybe that's what makes dealing with my actions on alcohol so difficult. It's hard to admit that "yes, I was under the influence, but I was still me." When drunk, I tried to do something stupid and it's my fault, but at the same time I don't feel that who I was at that moment was truly me.
Sorry for the ramble, thanks for listening.
/may delete later.
*me*
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 tomk
King of OTD
Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 4 years, 2 days
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: MOTH]
#4215366 - 05/24/05 05:26 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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"I really hate the fact that there is that dark part of me."
Stop running from it and turn around and face it.
I think it's all about how you channel this energy. OK. So there is some self destructive energy in you. So what? It doesn't matter that this energy is there. The question is how are you going to relate to the fact that this energy is there? Cutting is one way of channeling this energy. Failing all your classes is another.
I don't know an answer. I think if you really let yourself feel whatever it is that you need to feel, this energy will burn itself up. But it hurts to feel it. Also, you need to practice loving the dark part of yourself.
I think when you say you love yourself and your life, you are mistaken. I think you mean that you love the image of yourself and your life that you have. But, this image isn't what you are, and so you suffer from it. The way to stop suffering isn't to kill the dark part of yourself, or make it go away, but to stop struggling with it, accept that it is there, and let go of trying to control it. By being mindful of the fact it's there, you can avoid the triggers, etc, but if you think it's gone, then you are going to start drinking again, etc.
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"I am eternally free"
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: tomk]
#4215436 - 05/24/05 05:41 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
tomk said:
The way to stop suffering isn't to kill the dark part of yourself, or make it go away, but to stop struggling with it, accept that it is there, and let go of trying to control it.
 Wow, that's exactly it...you've just perfectly described the struggle that I've had since I was a teen.
But I thought I knew how to accept it...and I do believe there was a time when I did accept it. But that peacefulness went away somehow, and it's like the more I fight with it, the more it's starting to control me. 
You seem pretty wise Tomk...I value your advice. Any suggestions on how I can make peace with this part of myself?
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tomk
King of OTD
Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 4 years, 2 days
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: MOTH]
#4215521 - 05/24/05 05:57 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Personally, I channel my masochistic tendencies into BDSM activities, this isn't for everyone. If you need pain for psychological release, why not partner with someone who enjoys giving it to you and work it out with them.
However, this may not be for you.
If I were your doctor, I would tell you to practice breath meditation for 20 minutes a day, counting up till four. Then, after two weeks, you will notice the part of your mind that is constantly active. You can look for this part of your thoughts anytime, and explore these thoughts. Usually, the gut reaction we have to something is the part of it that involves us lying to ourselves.
I will post more later, I'm going to go have a BDSM session.  
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"I am eternally free"
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Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05 
Posts: 11,089
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: MOTH]
#4215639 - 05/24/05 06:19 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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First, I want to say that I truly empathize with your pain and struggle. I had tears in my eyes as I read your post. Your honesty and courage to confront your darkness in a public forum are inspirational.
Second, a book that opened me to "shadow work," and continues to aid my progress in embracing my darkness is
"The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" by Debbie Ford.
I highly recommend it.
Strength, hope and blessings to you, my dear.
Edited by Veritas (05/25/05 10:18 AM)
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: MOTH]
#4216119 - 05/24/05 08:18 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Ellemy, You have gotten good vibes from tomk and veritas, IMO. I agree with them. 
One of the hardest things in the world is to love oneself unconditionally. Ellemy, unconditionally means with out any conditions. This means your fear, your love, your compassion, your hate, and your addictions. Everyway that you are. It's arrogant and unskillful to think you must be perfect before you accept the love you have for yourself. 
This book changed my life. The Handbook to Higher Consciousness, by Ken Keyes. It can be read in one hour. I recommend it as a meditation after the first reading. Little at a time.
Now, I have read many of your posts. I have seen the kind of person you are. Read my rating of you. You are filled with love for others that you do not give yourself. Trust in that loving heart. You live there.
So you're cool. It's all cool. ALL OF IT.
Remember: Love everyone unconditionally, including yourself. 
--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Doom
Rogue
Registered: 11/23/04
Posts: 365
Loc: ghost-train city
Last seen: 17 years, 10 months
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: Icelander]
#4216713 - 05/24/05 11:03 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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masochists should take up skateboarding.
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tomk
King of OTD
Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 4 years, 2 days
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: Doom]
#4216965 - 05/25/05 12:19 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Hey Elle. I just got back. I feel great, had a lot of fun. Anyway. I have some more thoughts.
First. What Icelander said. I would add to that a method for doing what he says. You read what he (she? Am I assuming icelander is male?) says again. Then, ask yourself "How do I love myself, including that dark part?"
Well, thats tough. One of the hardest things in the world to do. It means letting go of your image of yourself. Since your image of yourself is the product of a mind that lies to itself, you cannot hold onto your current self image and love the dark part. I think that it's because you cling onto the light part so hard that the dark part forms. You have to let go of this.
When I read your posts, I pick up a vibe of uncertainty about some of this stuff. Like you are close to the edge of the cliff, but afraid to jump. Or ambivient about jumping. This is fine, but I'd examine these feelings closely. Thats why I suggest meditation so much and so often. This would help you silence the part of your mind that is constantly running that you mistake for you. Then, you can find out what you really are. You might find that you really don't want to let go of your identity. Thats fine, the purpose of meditation isn't to change oneself, but to raise awareness. Right now, you are living in a world where you are constantly decieving yourself. These deceptions bring you comfort (like, I am a good person, I can handle a couple drinks, etc), so to let go of them, you must be ready to see who you really are. It's going to be different then your sense of self, and very uncomfortable. But only by undertaking some sort of path like this can you deal with your issues. By doing this work, for a long time, you will eventually come to see the world, including yourself, as it actually is. This clarity will eliminate the need to trip.
I think you should look at whether or not you really do want to change. I know your immediate, gut reaction is 'yes, I want to change, I'm a seeker.' When you feel this reaction, let it pass, and see what comes through your head next. Keep letting these thoughts cycle through your head. You will learn a lot by practicing this often.
You also need to learn that no matter what you do, what drugs you take to alter your mind, or how you change, you are always going to be there. You have to come to terms with who you actually are to be happy, and you can't do that while you are dishonest with yourself.
I don't know, though, keep in mind I feel super duper high right now off of no drugs. So take this with a grain of salt.
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"I am eternally free"
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crunchytoast
oppositional
Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 1,133
Loc: aporia
Last seen: 17 years, 19 days
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: tomk]
#4218894 - 05/25/05 03:10 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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it sounds like it's hard for you to stand up for yourself when your in-laws offer your drinks. like you feel the need to impress them.
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"consensus on the nature of equilibrium is usually established by periodic conflict." -henry kissinger
Edited by crunchytoast (05/25/05 03:11 PM)
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Quote:
crunchytoast said:
it sounds like it's hard for you to stand up for yourself when your in-laws offer your drinks. like you feel the need to impress them.
That's true. I do feel the need to impress them...I have this weird preoccupation with trying to make people like me. It's a confidence issue that I've had my entire life.
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barfightlard
tales of theinexpressible
Registered: 01/29/03
Posts: 8,670
Loc: Canoodia
Last seen: 14 years, 3 months
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: MOTH]
#4219949 - 05/25/05 07:38 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Try not to submit to pressure of others, no matter who they are. Maybe try to impress them by standing your ground on your beliefes and practises? If thats not drinking, then don't drink. If it's not, then you haven't over-come your addiction, and your just lieing to yourself, even if your not getting hammered.
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"What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?" - Bill Hicks
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JacquesCousteau
Being.
Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
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Quote:
bellylard said:
Try not to submit to pressure of others, no matter who they are. Maybe try to impress them by standing your ground on your beliefes and practises? If thats not drinking, then don't drink. If it's not, then you haven't over-come your addiction, and your just lieing to yourself, even if your not getting hammered.
I agree with this.
There's been a lot of insightful commentary in this thread, but I think one of the most important points to be focused upon is the self-betrayal that comes along with failing to live up to your own pre-determined conclusive decisions.
Not to make it sound "bad"... because it's not the "failing" that is bad, but the guilt by association that forms due to letting ourselves down through such methods.
So before you can "get back on the horse" and start rebuilding self-commitments, you have to make the foundation solid. And to do that, you must forgive yourself for having failed by your own standards. Without this first step, it's quite likely that you'll "try" to beat it instead of putting your foot down and knowing you have the strength to beat it.
Do, or do not. There is no try.
P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R didn't exist.
If I were in your shoes I would probably eat some mushrooms and get down to some introspective thinking... but I won't necessarily recommend that, as I don't know how sure of yourself you feel on psychedelics, especially in a potentially fragile mental state... but it is something to consider.
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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nonoman
ambassador
Registered: 06/25/04
Posts: 1,326
Loc: the wood
Last seen: 5 years, 11 months
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: MOTH]
#4222179 - 05/26/05 11:08 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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tomk has some great suggestions.
How old are you tomk? Just curious, you seem wise beyond your years.
The meditation technique you speak of sounds very much like zen meditation in which you learn to observe the "monkey mind".
We tend to think our mind is inscrutable and infinitely diverse until we "watch" it for a while.
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Twister
Lucrative
Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 6,672
Loc: Midwest
Last seen: 14 years, 3 months
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: nonoman]
#4222814 - 05/26/05 01:56 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Like Jacques said, I would personally take a low dose of mushrooms and have a little introspective trip away from everybody. Doing this really helped me bring to light alot of the problems within myself that I usually try to not think about. Usually when I think about something about myself that is particularily unpleasant my mind recoils(sometime even manifesting itself physically as a shudder) and returns to a comfortable thought or mindset. When I take mushrooms my mind does the exact opposite. It pushes forth these unpleasant things and even though it can make for a difficult trip it usually helps me sort things out and cope with the things I try to forget.
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JacquesCousteau
Being.
Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: Twister]
#4223169 - 05/26/05 03:21 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Twister351 said:
Like Jacques said, I would personally take a low dose of mushrooms and have a little introspective trip away from everybody. Doing this really helped me bring to light alot of the problems within myself that I usually try to not think about. Usually when I think about something about myself that is particularily unpleasant my mind recoils(sometime even manifesting itself physically as a shudder) and returns to a comfortable thought or mindset. When I take mushrooms my mind does the exact opposite. It pushes forth these unpleasant things and even though it can make for a difficult trip it usually helps me sort things out and cope with the things I try to forget.
Absolutely, man... those are great trips. They're a little rough, but so worth it in the end.
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Thanks guys...actually I do agree that a small mushroom trip might help resolve some of the feelings I have. They've always been very theraputic for me in the past.
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tomk
King of OTD
Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 4 years, 2 days
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: nonoman]
#4223615 - 05/26/05 05:32 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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I'm 22, 23 next month. I'm not wise. Don't confuse saying wise things with being wise. Even a broken clock and all that.
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"I am eternally free"
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: tomk]
#4223838 - 05/26/05 06:29 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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I just got off the treadmill. It sure feels good to start working out again. I'm going to do this daily from now on. Every time I stop exercising my mindset goes to shit.
Plus I enjoy seeing my body tone up again. Should help the self-love situation.
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Viveka
refutation bias
Registered: 10/21/02
Posts: 4,061
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Re: Drunken mistakes. [Re: MOTH]
#4230934 - 05/28/05 05:48 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Great plan! Physical activity makes ALL the difference.
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