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OfflineReal_Poopypants
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Registered: 09/02/04
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just looking for some comments/suggestions for my writing (very short) * 1
    #4206513 - 05/22/05 02:09 PM (12 years, 4 days ago)

I wrote a couple of things the other day while under the influence of a small dose of mushrooms. I wrote a sort of trip report that you can find here.
I'm really just looking for some constructive criticism. I enjoy writing and I would like to improve my skills, so, feel free to comment.


Piece #1

Alone??
I feel like I could escape
by closing my eyes
by lying down
losing myself
letting go

It would feel so good to escape
just for a while
way down there
all by myself
but not alone

There?s a masterpiece inside my head
wanting to get out
I don?t know how
to let it all out
without hurting myself

The birds sing to each other every day;
get lost in the rythym
why can?t we??
do what?s right
and love will set you free.

Piece #2

Beautiful
For a person like me
writing comes naturally.
Most have to learn.
I was shown before I was born.

It?s hard to talk to people
and they sense that.
I?m nervous, shaking.
I tell myself to be calm.

There are some people who just know.
You look them in the eyes;
she feels what you feel.
It?s the way it could be.

She is one of those people.
She has the gift;
The all powerful ability
to attract my attention
and hold on to it.

I?m going to like searching.
Just the way she sits there,
occupying space, is a masterpiece.
I paint a pretty picture.

That?s something that you can?t mess up with a subject like her.
Beautiful.


--------------------
Salvia Experiences:

First Time With Salvia

A Visit With The Queen

Mushroom Experiences:

My first mushroom trip changed my life.


Edited by Real_Poopypants (03/06/06 11:32 PM)


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OfflineSneezingPenis
ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111!
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Re: just looking for some comments/suggestions for my writing (very short) [Re: Real_Poopypants]
    #4207238 - 05/22/05 06:20 PM (12 years, 4 days ago)

I hate to have to be the asshole that keeps saying this everytime I see someone writing lyrics or poems, and I really dont want it to come out as harsh as it probably seems; but .... it sounds more like a diary than anything, focused only on yourself. It is helpful to everyone , including myself to write down self indulgent stuff like this (i just did in S&P sort of), and Im sure many people can read this and empathize or identify.... but I always feel like writing is a lot like acting, you have to get outside of yourself and your experiences.


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OfflineReal_Poopypants
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Re: just looking for some comments/suggestions for my writing (very short) [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #4207374 - 05/22/05 06:58 PM (12 years, 4 days ago)

Quote:

psilocyberin said:
it sounds more like a diary than anything, focused only on yourself. It is helpful to everyone , including myself to write down self indulgent stuff like this




That's exactly what it is. I know myself and my experiences - that's what I write about. The second poem was written for a girl that I like. That was my goal when I sat down to write the other night. I'm not writing lyrics or looking to get my writing published. I'm simply sharing my thoughts with others.


Quote:

but I always feel like writing is a lot like acting, you have to get outside of yourself and your experiences.




I would agree with you if we were talking about writing a novel or short story or something. I do value your opinion though. Thanks for sharing it. Up to this point, I haven't been very capable of controlling what I write while under the influence. It just comes out. Maybe next time I will try writing something a little more creative.


--------------------
Salvia Experiences:

First Time With Salvia

A Visit With The Queen

Mushroom Experiences:

My first mushroom trip changed my life.


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OfflineSneezingPenis
ACHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!111!
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Registered: 01/15/05
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Last seen: 23 days, 9 hours
Re: just looking for some comments/suggestions for my writing (very short) [Re: Real_Poopypants] * 1
    #4207393 - 05/22/05 07:07 PM (12 years, 4 days ago)

I forgot to add "keep up the good work, and dont ever stop writing, even if it is just for yourself".


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OfflineSammy
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Posts: 1,031
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Last seen: 9 years, 5 months
Re: just looking for some comments/suggestions for my writing (very short) [Re: SneezingPenis]
    #4207662 - 05/22/05 09:01 PM (12 years, 4 days ago)

Poopy... the first one ROCKED ME. Very good. I've gotta go but the first one.

Cool, very cool

Sam


--------------------

I believe in the Golden Rule ? The Man with the Gold . . . Rules.
- Mr. T


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OfflineAlobar
A Bucket of Lard

Registered: 01/13/03
Posts: 322
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: just looking for some comments/suggestions for my writing (very short) [Re: Sammy]
    #4207862 - 05/22/05 10:02 PM (12 years, 4 days ago)

Thanks for sharing, poopy. I think we can all relate on some level to social anxiety, lack of eloquence, etc. Especially around that certain someone. No amount of goading or encouragement is going to get you to tell that girl how you feel, though. I've felt that way twice thus far, and both times I've let it pass me by. Passive and slightly apathetic??good qualities for a writer.

Oh, and about that masterpiece??you're going to have to hurt yourself to get it out.
And man, it's gonna hurt.


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