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OfflineUncleLuke
Crack andlasers.
Male

Registered: 04/28/05
Posts: 3,167
Loc: North Florida
Last seen: 9 years, 6 months
Trapped inside the problems in my life
    #4191094 - 05/18/05 03:28 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Well to start with, i'm 18 years old. I've been through some tough shit in my life. I was arrested and served 6 months in a level 6 facility at the age of 16 for a very small crime. I felt I was being punished for other peoples kicks. The way everyone was treated at this place was horrible. Four of my buddies had their arm broke from being restrained for no good reason. We'd have to stand at parade rest for at least 2 hour periods, twice a day. The facility was kept at a chilling 65 degrees and all we were given to wear were underwear, short shorts, and a tshirt. All this kind of traumatized me for the next couple years.

But even before I was ever arrested, I've been really depressed and have always been really nervous in social situations since the age of 9. I haven't realized that I had social anxiety until recently, but have known I had depression for as long as I can remember. I've seen numerous doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologist. They tried me on just about every antidepressant. The antidepressants would give me a feeling a false happiness. I'd get real excited all of a sudden, then realize i'm acting like an idiot, then get really really depressed.

The last drug I was on was Wellbutrin XL. It helped with my depression a lot, but started giving me anxiety attacks. I quit taking Wellbutrin back in November of 2003 and the anxiety attacks went away. About 6 months later they returned. When I have an anxiety attack, I get violent. Normally i'm a nice guy. I never argue, never been in a fight, very pacifistic. But I get really violent when these attacks come on so I try to lock myself in a room or go somewhere where no one can find me. I start hitting and kicking walls and have broken my knuckles several times. I pull out my hair, scratch the walls as hard as I can, and sometimes dig at my abdomen causing bleeding.

The anxiety attacks went away again for about 2 months, and I thought I was getting much better. But they've returned 2 months ago. Now i'm also having very severe social anxiety. When I sit around with my friends, I cannot pay attention to what they are saying. I'm concentrating way too much on the way other people view me, afraid i'm gonna say something stupid or do something that looks stupid. This gets to the point I don't even talk. I just sit there and pretend to be listening.

At the moment I have no health insurance, my dad took me off because he said he doesn't wanna pay for it anymore. And I need it now more than ever. I've gona through 2 jobs in the past 2 months, walked out on both due to random anxiety, but managed to save up a good $350 after my car and phone bills. So I go to see our family doctor. I tell him my situation and he starts offering to put me on medications i've already tried and hated so I tell him. Then he says "Well what do you suggest?" I tell him I need something severe anxiety. He says "Like what?" and I say, 'Some Xanax would probably help me'. Then he starts giving me dirty looks and tells me it's against their policy to prescribe controlled substances and he was talking like I was just trying to score some pills so he ended our session and sent me on my way. They wouldn't refund my money. There went $75.

They did however refer me to another doctor who is known to be good at diagnosing and treating mental disorders, but is neither a psychiatrist or psychologist. I drive 30 miles to this place, and it's a dump. It reaks of an odor I can't put my finger on. Like a mix between an old person in a wheelchair and iodine. There were what seemed to be piss stains in every chair in the waiting room, but it may have been just coke. I sat on the floor. This place made me pay $100 BEFORE I got to see anyone. I finally get in a room and this Indian lady walks in. Doesn't speak english very well. She was the doctors assistant. I tell her my deal and she goes to talk to the doctor and comes back with a prescription for Paxil. I tell her i've been on Paxil and hated it. She goes back to talk to the doctor again and comes back with a prescription to Wellbutrin. I tell her I just quit taking Wellbutrin and really need something for anxiety. She gets a little angry with me then tells me I need to see a real psychiatrist! I tell her i've spent just about all my money, I have no job, and I probably can't get one til I get treatment. She doesn't seem to care but she goes back to talk to the doctor again and comes back with a prescription for Vistaril. An antihistamine that has very little antianxiety potential. I go back up to the front desk and demand my money back since I didn't even get to see the doctor. They threaten to call the cops on me so I leave. Now i've lost $175 and have recieved nothing.

Finally, I go to see a real psychiatrist. They charged $115 for the first visit, so I paid expecting real treatment. The doctor comes in. Great, another indian. I tell him all about my problems and all the medications i've been on. This takes about half an hour. He says that what I need most is a benzo such as Klonopin or Xanax, but that I am too young, and he'd need to see my previous medical records to prove to him that I have such conditions. I give him the numbers to every doctor I had ever been to as a child but he says that he cannot do it that way. I'd have to go and physically obtain the records from each doctor, then bring them back on the next visit, which would cost $75.

By now I don't have a dime to my name. I spent a lot on gas from driving all around town during this time. I've started having mood swing not too long ago. Some days i'll be really depressed, and some days i'll be really depressed and angry. Some days I wont have an appetite and eat nothing all day, some days I cannot stop eating.

You might tell me to ask my parents for money so that I can go back to the psych. They don't seem to think I have a problem, that i'm just 'lazy'. I've asked my friends for money and they say that there's nothing wrong with me, that they think i'm just a little weird, grumpy, and lazy, but not depressed. This is because I try so hard to hide it, I don't want them to see me as suicidal. I am not lazy, I just fear going outside because I hate people. I hate the way they think, I hate the way they judge me, I hate the way they use me, I hate how cruel one person can be. I hate evrything. I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up. I am cursed. I load my shotgun and place the barrel in my mouth at least once a week, but I can't seem to do it. It's as if God is punishing me through this life, and letting me shoot myself would be doing me a favor. He keeps me from being able to go through with it.

I'm not going to be able to pay next months car payment because I haven't had a job in a long time and all my backup money is gone. My dad is threatening to kick me out unless I get a job. I've been applying at places that dont require social situations, but none will hire me, no matter how desperate they are for an employee.

What is there to do? How can I be helped? I can't go to the mental hospital because they charge like $5,000. I've been there when I was 17 and my mom still bitches about how much money it costed her. Please someone help me. There has to be something I can do. Is anyone in here a psychiatrist? Does anyone know of a place where I can obtain free health insurance, and fast?


--------------------


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InvisibleVeritas
 User Gallery
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 11,088
Re: Trapped inside the problems in my life [Re: UncleLuke]
    #4191533 - 05/18/05 05:11 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

http://www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publi...itory+Resources

Try this link to locate mental health resources in your state. You might be able to get free or sliding-scale counseling. I wish you healing and growth!


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Invisibleredtailedhawk
Explorer of the Mystery
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Registered: 11/24/04
Posts: 551
Loc: The Old Continent
Re: Trapped inside the problems in my life [Re: UncleLuke]
    #4191591 - 05/18/05 05:24 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

For anxiety I suggest you try inexpensive herbs like Kava Kava and/or Valerian. These two herbs work great, and are dirt-cheap! You can get 100 500mg caps of Valerian for less than $3! If at first you don?t notice any effects try increasing the dosage, although I think 500mg is more than enough for anxiety.

As for Xanax. I have almost a full box of 0,25 mg tablets left if you want them. I can mail them to you free of charge; although I?m not too sure the U.S. customs won?t confiscate them (that is if you are an American citizen, I live in EU). If you?re interested send me your snail mail address via PM.

Job. I suggest you sell your car for the time being, use public transport and invest the money from the sale into freelance business and work from home on the Internet.  I for one work like that for clients from all over the world and love it. Check out the elance.com business2business portal and look for services you may want to offer. If you don?t have any skills you can always learn new ones by investing some time and take free curses on the Internet. 

Elance URL: http://www.elance.com/c/static/main/displayhtml.pl?file=eol.html&module=home

Therapy. Until you get some extra money to spend on therapy I suggest you become your own therapist. Get down to the local library and pick up the books listed below and work out a program for overcoming your anxiety.

The Complete Adult Psychotherapy Treatment Planner
by Arthur E. Jongsma Jr., L. Mark Peterson

Anxiety and Its Disorders, Second Edition : The Nature and Treatment of Anxiety and Panic by David H. Barlow

Overcoming Anxiety : From Short-Time Fixes to Long-Term Recovery
by Reneau Peuifoy

Beyond Anxiety and Phobia: A Step-By-Step Guide to Lifetime Recovery
by Edmund J., Ph.D. Bourne

These sites are also highly recommended for working out a therapy plan:

http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/
http://front.csulb.edu/tstevens/hcontent.htm
http://www.johnfishbein.com/FeelBetterFast/Fishbein/table.of.contents.html

It will take time, but it can be done. I suffered from agoraphobia and panic attacks and overcame them all in a few months. That was last year. Fucking dreadful 2004. Jesus, I thought I was going to kill myself.

Anyway, if your not planning to rob a bank, I suggest you put away that gun, and start working on your problems. You?re young and you can do it. We all have our problems. We all suffer from time to time. It the nature of life. But so is sex, love, sunsets and other nice stuff  :sun:


--------------------

"Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."


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Invisiblep4kSouL
Animals Are Cool
Registered: 01/13/05
Posts: 3,666
Re: Trapped inside the problems in my life [Re: redtailedhawk]
    #4191819 - 05/18/05 06:16 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I see your stuck in a little hole man. Now your problem may seem overwhelming but dude you don't need drugs to stop them. You have bad anxiety. What is anxiety? Anxiety is a fear. Its a fear that was created from obsessive negative thinking. Now how can you get yourself out of anxiety. You get rid of the fear. How do you do that? You have to reprogram your brain. You have to observe the situation and come at it positively. Your brain is like a muscle. The more you practice something the better you get. Mind is the same way. The more you practice being negative the better you will be at it. I could explain this all scientifically if you wanted.

Try this-
Next time you have anxiety instead of thinking negative, interrupt the negative thinking with positive thinking. Observe the situation and realize how it doesn't really matter. Practice positive self talk.

Now ok its not going to work the first time but dude it takes time. Everyday interrupt negatives with positives and you will soon start to believe your positive words. Just remember that. You are using that automatic negative reaction. Change it!

Now for the depression-
Allot of your depression is caused from the anxiety. YOU NEED TO STOP HIDING YOUR DEPRESSION! Depression is your mind healing itself from emotional damage. Let it finish its job, don't interrupt it! Let it go... Let yourself be depressed. You will soon realize that you wont be depressed anymore.

Easier said then done.

Ive been through all of what your going through. Ive been through it hard. You need to know that drugs wont solve your problems they will only make them worse. As you can see doctors just want money. You have a problem you can fix yourself and no doctor will ever care about you and your problems. We here care for you. Check your PM I have some stuff I want to show you.

Good luck man and remember STAY POSITIVE.


Edited by p4kSouL (05/18/05 06:44 PM)


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: Trapped inside the problems in my life [Re: redtailedhawk]
    #4192747 - 05/18/05 09:54 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Redtailedhawk, Great advice. You have to do it yourself when society doesn't care. You will come out of this a very strong person, if you hang tight. Whatever you do I can tell you have a good heart and you are a good person.  :heart: :mushroom2:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleLe_Canard
Doesn't need no stinkin' badge.

Registered: 05/17/03
Posts: 93,435
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: Trapped inside the problems in my life [Re: UncleLuke]
    #4192915 - 05/18/05 10:45 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

redtailedhawk said:


Job. I suggest you sell your car for the time being, use public transport and invest the money from the sale into freelance business and work from home on the Internet.  I for one work like that for clients from all over the world and love it. Check out the elance.com business2business portal and look for services you may want to offer. If you don?t have any skills you can always learn new ones by investing some time and take free curses on the Internet. 

Elance URL: http://www.elance.com/c/static/main/displayhtml.pl?file=eol.html&module=home

Therapy. Until you get some extra money to spend on therapy I suggest you become your own therapist. Get down to the local library and pick up the books listed below and work out a program for overcoming your anxiety.

The Complete Adult Psychotherapy Treatment Planner
by Arthur E. Jongsma Jr., L. Mark Peterson

Anxiety and Its Disorders, Second Edition : The Nature and Treatment of Anxiety and Panic by David H. Barlow

Overcoming Anxiety : From Short-Time Fixes to Long-Term Recovery
by Reneau Peuifoy

Beyond Anxiety and Phobia: A Step-By-Step Guide to Lifetime Recovery
by Edmund J., Ph.D. Bourne

These sites are also highly recommended for working out a therapy plan:

http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/
http://front.csulb.edu/tstevens/hcontent.htm
http://www.johnfishbein.com/FeelBetterFast/Fishbein/table.of.contents.html

It will take time, but it can be done. I suffered from agoraphobia and panic attacks and overcame them all in a few months. That was last year. Fucking dreadful 2004. Jesus, I thought I was going to kill myself.

Anyway, if your not planning to rob a bank, I suggest you put away that gun, and start working on your problems. You?re young and you can do it. We all have our problems. We all suffer from time to time. It the nature of life. But so is sex, love, sunsets and other nice stuff  :sun:




Excellent advice. Also, have you tried getting on your state Medicaid program? It sounds like you'd be elegible, and they'll pay for a lot of your medical expenses....


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OfflinePowerTrip
Polypharmaceutical Shaman
Male

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 03/07/05
Posts: 1,148
Loc: The void
Last seen: 4 years, 3 months
Re: Trapped inside the problems in my life [Re: UncleLuke]
    #4193360 - 05/19/05 12:52 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I know the pain and fear of social anxiety.  My high school required me to take a speech class where I would have to get in front of the class and give presentations.  I ended up failing the class three times and it caused me to graduate high school a semester late :thumbdown:.  I never did pass the class, I just took an English credit from another school district to get around the speech class.  Nobody really gave a fuck about how it felt.  They didn't understand the way your adrenaline kicks in for no reason and makes your thoughts race.  Try holding your composure under those circumstances.  It is a bitch.

After high school I felt somewhat relieved of this burden, but then came college and once again comes the speaking situations that terrified me.  I thought about taking pills to get rid of this.  It would be so easy that way.  Confidence in the form of a pill.  I realize that this social anxiety is just something that is wrong with my thought process though.  A pill would just be a crutch that I would rely on.  It would only make me weaker in the end.  I don't want to be medicated for the rest of my life and I'm sure you don't either. 

I have found that lifting weights has really helped me control my anger and contribute to a positive self image.  It has not completely cured my social anxiety, but it has definitely helped.

When you mention not wanting to speak around your friends this also reminds me very much of myself in high school.  I fell into a crowd of people who were drug users.  I was really only friends with one of them and I felt like I didn't belong with the rest of them.  I was always quiet around them and they always pointed it out.  I realize now that none of these people were real friends to me.  They really did not care about my well being or how I was feeling.  Perhaps you too are with a crowd of people you don't fit in with.  I have chosen to have no friends instead of hanging around people who were just fake.  It sounds lonely but I am much happier with my life.

I urge you to search for something productive and meaningful in your life.  You can fight the social anxiety without medication if you are dedicated to making a change in yourself.  Do not give up on life because you are having sad times.  Without the pain of sadness, you would not fully appreciate the joy of happiness.  Somewhere down the line, the future is always bright.


--------------------
I spit reality, instead of what you usually learn
and I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice
cause I'm the only motherfucker that can change my life


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InvisibleNeon
Stranger
Male
Registered: 01/04/05
Posts: 497
Re: Trapped inside the problems in my life [Re: UncleLuke]
    #4193555 - 05/19/05 01:32 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I was in a rut for a year or so, 12 hours on the computer every day, 12 hours of sleep. Hadn't been out in public one time in over a year. I had terrible social anxiety. Kanna (sceletium tortuosum) changed all that for me, and it changed it pretty fast. Kanna is an empathogen, like ecstacy or GHB. After about 2 weeks of use I was able to go out in public. Before I started taking it, if I even made eye contact with someone I didn't know, it would freak me out. A couple weeks later I was walking around the mall and having the time of my life. I felt like a little kid in disneyland. I could identify with all the people around me, I realized how much I had in common with the rest of the human race. The kanna didn't do all the work, but honestly, it did the vast majority of it. I had mild social anxiety since about 6th grade, to the point where I wanted to stay at home 90% of the time, and I'm just now getting over it and it feels great.

Kanna has taught me more than any hallucinogen or entheogen I've experienced thus far. I won't forget what I've learned. Kanna is very safe, there are no documented serious reactions to it since 1600, even lifetime chronic users are in great health. It's very cheap, it costs me about 25 cents a day. I've stopped taking kanna just to see if I could, and it wasn't difficult, and I felt fine. I also had terrible depression and mood swings before I started taking kanna, and now those problems are over 90% gone, no joke. Normally I'm an extremely introverted person (I think that's the word) but kanna has helped me connect with the outside world.

Don't give up hope, there are ways to get out of that rut, and they are totally worth doing. I thought I was gonna be stuck in my rut forever, but you feel like a million dollars once you escape it, believe me. Check your PMs, I sent you some more info. Hang in there!


Edited by Neon (05/19/05 06:50 AM)


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: Trapped inside the problems in my life [Re: PowerTrip]
    #4195144 - 05/19/05 01:41 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I urge you to search for something productive and meaningful in your life. You can fight the social anxiety without medication if you are dedicated to making a change in yourself. Do not give up on life because you are having sad times. Without the pain of sadness, you would not fully appreciate the joy of happiness. Somewhere down the line, the future is always bright.

_____________________________________________________________________

How perfect!  :grin: :heart: :thumbup:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlinesideshowbob
Stranger
Registered: 12/09/04
Posts: 36
Last seen: 10 years, 10 months
Re: Trapped inside the problems in my life [Re: Icelander]
    #4196416 - 05/19/05 05:44 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

theres a book called 'the anxiety and phobia workbook'. its really good. doctors aren't really gonna do anything anyway except take your money and maybe sell you drugs. unless you get lucky and get one who cares, but thats probably not gonna happen. drugs help in extreme times, like these are, but what you want is to overcome your anxiety without drugs.

there are some free clinics in the us - look in the phone book - call someone up and ask - most psychiatrists will know the number.

as for money you could always sell your car (like someone said)...or you could grow mushrooms or sell crack ;P or try for a dishwasher, janitor, data entry, construction, trashman, post office, shelf stocker, factory, any night-time job like stocking or factory is going to be by yourself....or ask your parents to send you to school. if you have credit, which i somehow doubt, but if you do you could get a loan...

i've met some people who pretended to be suicidal and checked themselves in to the ER or local hospital just to get someone to help them.

anyway, in the meantime, just know that it will get better and when it does you will be wiser for having gone through everything you've gone through. your still alive, you have a roof over your head, food to eat etc...fight off negative thoughts. anxiety and depression can be chemical...but a lot is all in your head.

you won't kill yourself because you don't really want to. you just want a way out of your hole...but thats not the way and you know it, or else you would have killed yourself by now. you really want to live, but you want to be free of these problems - and you will be. but you have to help yourself...call the free clinic and get some free meds. don't expect much from the doctor...and with whatever money you can get i really suggest that book its all you need to fix your anxiety problem.

try to avoid 'hate'. don't worry about anyone else and their problems...we all have problems. don't even think about them. focus on positive things and going in the positive direction in your life. don't even think about your problems too much, they are all just temporary and can be fixed... focus on positive memories if that helps.

and as someone else said - excercise really helps. go out in the sun and go for a bike ride or a walk in the park. being out in the sun and doing excercise is an antidepressant in and of itself.

it hit me awhile ago that i was only awake at night, and since that time i had progressively gotten worse myself...


Edited by sideshowbob (05/19/05 06:04 PM)


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