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Offlinesignoffate
Only Human
Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Time to end this SHIT
    #4178560 - 05/15/05 03:48 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

Fuck my life is a real bitch... I aim so god DAMNED high and fail every motherfucking time. NO one to talk to about it except online counselors. Mention these feelings to my family or friends(it I had any) and what will they do but sound verrry distressed and just end up making me feel worse about it. I have to be strong and deal with it, or maybe pray and Jesus will come and save my soul. I used to think I could make it and I didn't need anyone... WTF was I thinking, I am nothing and it seems the only thing I can success fully achieve is my own demise. Not that I plan on it just now, but I keep coming back to these thought every few months. And I guess you could say I just had some real insight, I could get really hammered, pop a tub of xtra strngth tylenol, tie a rope around the throat, slit the wrists and then blow a hole in the head.... man there is no way I could fuck this up. What do ya'll think.

Am I out of mind or just out of hope?


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OfflineCatalysis
EtherealEngineer

Registered: 04/23/02
Posts: 1,742
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
Re: Time to end this SHIT [Re: signoffate]
    #4179003 - 05/15/05 06:11 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

Am I out of mind or just out of hope?




Neither.  You are just expecting others to help you.  Im not gonna sugar coat this. I am very cynical when it comes to life, friends, and family.  I used to think if I ever got down, I could count on friends and family to lift me back up but that is precisly the time they leave you high and dry.

One day I realized that even though people say they give a fuck about me (and they probably do) their life always comes first, and understandably so.  They see your fucked up situation and they feel bad but they get over it and move on easily.

Long story short, I decided that I was the only one that could help myself.  I cleaned up, got a job and bought a cheap condo.  This was the best thing I ever did.  Owning my own place liberated me from all of my financial and, most importantly, emotional obligations to people.  I started living for myself, eating healthy, excersise, limiting drug use and now I am in a good place.  You can turn yourself around to if you just take full control. 

Everyone fails.  If you stop failing, that means you have stopped trying.  Life is a bitch but ill be goddamned if I let that bitch win the battle.  I want that written on my tombstone.  :grin:


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: Time to end this SHIT [Re: Catalysis]
    #4180193 - 05/15/05 11:15 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

That's pretty good advice. Before quittin why not try something scary. Move out on your own. Go the fuck far away from everyone you know. See if you can survive on your own. You may find Catalysis is right.

Dare ya.  :hug:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Invisiblepoboy
On the bounce
Male

Registered: 03/08/05
Posts: 1,355
Re: Time to end this SHIT *DELETED* [Re: Catalysis]
    #4180231 - 05/15/05 11:25 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

Post deleted by poboy

Reason for deletion: d



--------------------
Burn the land and boil the sea but you can't take the sky from me.


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Offlinesignoffate
Only Human
Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: Time to end this SHIT [Re: poboy]
    #4180297 - 05/15/05 11:42 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

I moved out into my own apartment when I was 18 for a year, FREEDOM BABY!!! I miss those days of gettin blazed with my buddies. Thats when I started eating right and thinking positive, but it wasn't real... it was this illusion of liberatation, and my pain remained deep inside. Now I have moved far far away from everyone I know, to a city that was supposed to bring a fresh start.

It just pisses me off when I fall back into that dark space, I don't even know what triggers it, and thats what really makes me sad. Feeling like you have no control over your emotional state!
Well I am really glad to have been able to vent all this balony today, it really made me feel better.

Till next time.


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InvisibleIcelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Male

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 93,974
Loc: underbelly
Re: Time to end this SHIT [Re: signoffate]
    #4180342 - 05/15/05 11:58 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

it was this illusion of liberatation, and my pain remained deep inside.
_________________________________________________________________

You're right! :thumbup: Still, being on your own can be the beginning of the journey to the depths of your soul. It's called by some the dark night of the soul. If you follow it all the way down you may get all the way back up and find your freedom has returned. :mushroom2:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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