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Divided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings
Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 15 years, 9 months
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Having trouble living in this world
#4140525 - 05/06/05 01:05 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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I've been pretty low lately. I'm at a point in my life where I have barely any income, ZERO job security, only 2-3 freinds within a couple thousand miles of me, and I'm living totally alone in a giant crazy city. All of this puts something painfully into focus: I have a really hard time fitting into the world. I'm not talking about just feeling accepted but getting by, surviving in the system. I keep screwing up at work and I'm always paranoid of getting fired, I've been having a real hard time making freinds, and a hard time finding a serious job. Besides losing confidence in my ability to get by in the work world I also struggle with being perpetually single and having few freinds. In the case of relationships I feel like I'm falling behind and I lose confidence in any chance of finding a woman. Even making freinds used to be easy, that was before I grew up into this 'Impress me, show me that you are cool' culture.
I always felt that if I was an intelligent and kind person that I could get by, but this is not the case. What matters is learning the subtle games, being streetwise, knowing the right people, reading people, etc. I suck at this and my life shows for it. I feel totally useless because I just can't play the system like others, I'm not adjusted to competitive capitalist clique society. I don't want to either, but I have to survive, to eat, to have human interactions. It feels like I could just fall through the cracks.
No matter how much of a good person I try to be I'm still getting nowhere. All that stuff just doesn't come naturally to me and the older I get the more unforgiving the world is. I get further isolated and alone. This makes me very bitter and angry at the world, but more depressed about my own prospects and insecurity.
I'm having a hard time expressing myself. I just fill out of place and akward everywhere and I don't know what to do. It's like everybody is an on some secret of adulthood except me so I'm just left out.
-------------------- 1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..." 2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..." 3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."
Edited by Divided_Sky (05/06/05 01:20 AM)
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BloodNOil
Captain Zeep
Registered: 10/08/03
Posts: 1,020
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Divided_Sky]
#4140577 - 05/06/05 01:26 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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You, sir, are a poet. You've just expressed a lot of what i've been feeling in words that i never could.
-------------------- It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!
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Psychoactive1984
PositiveCynicist
Registered: 02/06/05
Posts: 3,546
Loc: California, Monterey Coun...
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Divided_Sky]
#4140765 - 05/06/05 03:07 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Realize that good is subjective... and attempting to be someones, or practically anyones definition of good beyond your own form is a lost cause. I'd rather be a "good guy" in my own eyes, then somebody that is seen as good to a group of assholes.
As for the "cool culture"... Look to Sprite?, they've no thirst as they arrange their persona to fit into a nice little template that is representative of this "coolness" that I've heard so much about. Being unique in a world filled with zombies created by popular culture is cool to me.
As for adulthood, it's overrated, when your young, all you wish to do is to be older, and vice versa. As long as you can be mature when the situation calls for it; I really don't see the issue with "adulthood"... If you have to act like anything that isn't you... then simply put get out of it, it isn't worth acting a role; life isn't a play, although some might have you believe that it is by their shallow persona that shows when they act.
As for women... your on your own, different strokes, for different folks. Maybe just socialize a bit more, walk up to a random person and point at them... you'll be surprised at the conservations that will occur as a result of it... at least you'll get a perplexed look from the person being pointed at. Either way, it's worth doing it.
Anyhow, good luck getting shit together.
-------------------- "Their is one overriding question that concerns us all: How can we get out of the fatal groove we are in, the one that is leading towards the brink?" Albert Szent-Gyorgyi "We may not be capable of eradicating the corruption of reason, but we must nevertheless counter it at every instance and with every means." Dan Agin "Politics is the best religion and politicians are the worst followers." -It's ok to trip as long as you don't fall. -Substance over Style. -Common sense is uncommon.
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niCCa
BwaBwaHan
Registered: 07/30/04
Posts: 219
Loc: Earth temporarily
Last seen: 10 years, 6 months
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c'mon man,do try at least to cope & never give up
-------------------- Heaveno...CU CU CU CU CU in the Highway...Peace
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Divided_Sky]
#4140890 - 05/06/05 04:38 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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This is going to be a strange post...and I'm not sure if it's helpful, but I wanted to mention it. I have had many of the same feelings that you express. When I was 13 (in that rough phase), I decided that since it felt like I was an outsider of the world, I needed somewhere else to live. So I created a world instead, and have been living in it ever since.
YES, being in a quasi-daydream state MAY be seen as unhealthy for some, but honestly, it makes life tolerable and even fun. I have a running dialog between a group of about 3-5 people in my head in this other world at all times. I'm never lonely, and even though I still feel like an alien on Earth among the masses, having this secret, special place all to myself makes it all worth it.
It's kinda weird...I feel like a total goof for even suggesting this, but maybe what you need is a world or place all your own.
I don't know, I probably spend way too much time in my own head in this fantasy world (there's risks with this as well), but...it serves it's purpose.
Okay, the other suggestion I had. Is there anyway you could change your lifestyle to suit your natural tendencies? I mean, you don't HAVE to live in capitalistic society. Sure it's spreading everywhere, but there are still some areas of the world which are untouched by it's insidious influence. I know how you feel...it's easier to believe that there isn't anywhere we can go, like we're destined to always "not belong," but the truth is that you can do anything you want. Don't like your city? Leave. Go move nearby one of your friends. Can't hack it as an adult? So what? Just be happy.
This is easier said then done of course...and maybe I've just totally misinterpreted your post. But I think that the issue here is personal happiness and satisfaction. As far as we know (debatable, but that's neither here nor now) we only have one life to live, so in my opinion you should live your life for you.
Is being "a working, financially-successful adult" worth all the isolation, bitterness and unhappiness it is causing you?
I think you should ask yourself that, and be honest with your answer.
Is it worth it? I'm going through a change myself, in which I've had to weigh the costs of doing what I'm "supposed" to do, against what I feel like doing. I've flunked my 2nd semester at college that I had to beg my inlaws pay for, and that made all three of my families overjoyed to hear that I was attending. And you know what...I don't feel any remorse at all. College was making me miserable. I'd spend my days in constant stress and anxiety over it, moping around in a marijuana-induced haze, so depressed I could hardly get my ass to class in time. I tried quitting the weed, but if the college-stress was bad while I was constantly high, it was ten times as worse when I was sober. Continuous crying, panic attacks, the works. And so, whether I realized it or not, I had to choose, and I chose to quit. The misery of trying to be a full-time student wasn't worth it for me. I'm still planning to take a class or two, and I still intend to get a degree, but I can't handle being a full-time student right now.
And yep...you better believe that all three of my families are going to crash down on my head about this. But I'm not living my life for them.
So now that I've infiltrated your thread with my situation (feeling long-winded tonight), all I can say Divided Sky is that you should do what makes you happy. Maybe you need to have a time of self-discovery. Travel, see friends, take chances. Because honestly...when you're 90 years old and laying on your deathbed, do you think it's going to matter how much money you were making, the degrees you had, and how well you meshed with society? Nope. We all die alone. Might as well live for you.
Sorry for the weird post
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trendal
J♠
Registered: 04/17/01
Posts: 20,815
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Divided_Sky]
#4141072 - 05/06/05 06:34 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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"Nice guys finish last"
In my experience, this phrase is very true. I had always felt, like you do, that if I was nice to the people around me and acted in an intelligent manner I would have no problems making friends. It is painfully clear now that this is not the case.
We're in the minority, here. It sucks, yeah, but it's a fact I can't see a way around. I see the games other people play with eachother, and I have no urge to play them myself. I often wonder if everyone can "see" these games, or if they've become so involved in them they play them out of habbit now. Curiously enough, when you don't play the games...you are seen as "weird", or an outcast of some kind. The expectations of the people around me could burrry me in a mountain of bullshit, if I let it get to me.
Like Ellemy, I've managed to survive this far by simple act of withdrawl from the world around me. Putting all of my thoughts and efforts into the society around me causes nothing but pain...so instead I put as little thought as possible into the world around me. I prefer my own, inner world. I find that a lot of the time if I tell people this they will see it as further "weirdness", or even a "disorder" that I should seek treatment for. They actually just don't understand that I need to be this way to remain who I am. Anything else would require a major brain-wash to wipe clean these "anti" social thoughts in my head. That's not going to happen on my watch
I can seriously see myself one day living alone, somewhere, perhaps possibly with a close friend or two I make along the way. A far-off mountain home or something. Escape.
I think you have a decision to make. You can either change who you are, how you think, and conform to the expectations of society...or you can bail-out but continue to be who you are.
Personally, I think only ignorance is bliss...and once you see things the way you appear to see them, you can't bo back.
You're already unplugged from the Matrix.
--------------------
Once, men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.
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the_phoenix
Stranger
Registered: 07/07/04
Posts: 541
Loc: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: trendal]
#4141199 - 05/06/05 07:32 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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I'm a nice guy and I always finish first. The secret is, I choose not to compete in society's game, *and*, I don't desire the prizes it awards to the winners of the game.
Dropping out is always an option. There are different ways to do this. Perhaps you need to remove yourself from society completely, for a bit while you find yourself, and then you can move back in. Or perhaps you can find yourself while you're in society, and that isn't easy. But when you re-enter society, it can be in a zen sort of way, enjoying the system for what it's worth but without attachement to it.
I think you see the hollowness of it all. The thing is, if you reject society's values and aspirations, you must substitute them with your own. You must not live a life contingent on society or other external stimuli for happiness. Rather, you must find happiness from within, and then when you interact in society, you'll have a purpose (whatever your personal path may entail). It won't be society's purpose, and it will be achievable.
Unlike the contemporary purpose society promotes, which is material and social success. That isn't really achievable. For a few it is, but I guarantee you that, on the inside, these people are very unhappy. You see all the rich folk do drugs and what not...there's a reason for that. If you feel like you don't fit in, maybe the problem, in truth, is that you mistakenly buy into this stereotype of normalcy that supposedly sets the standards. This model is like a Barbie doll--nobody actually is like it, and for the few who are, it's very unhealthy!
Surprisingly, if you work at discovering who you really are, along this journey of introspection you'll come to understand the subtleties of the game. People who's aim is to learn and embody the subtleties, the rules, the norms...they're easy to read, unoriginal, and not half as good as they think they are. The aim should always be focused on personal (and then communal/societal/global/cosmic/whatnot) growth, and then all sorts of skills that prove surprisingly useful in society will arise naturally. Realize your full potential, use your own roadmap to get there, not society's, and remember that the map is not the territory!
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: the_phoenix]
#4141966 - 05/06/05 11:07 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Once again, good advice and well worth heeding.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom. " All that lives was born to die"-Anom. With much wisdom comes much sorrow, The more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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Le_Canard
The Duk Abides
Registered: 05/16/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Divided_Sky]
#4142379 - 05/06/05 01:09 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Living in a big city isn't for everyone. It takes a certain type to survive there, and maybe you're not that type ( I know I'm not). People in large cities can be very cold and distant, and it can seem like no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. I moved to a small town from a large city (Denver) and I must say, I much prefer the small town life. Perhaps this may be part of your problem? Just a suggestion....
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Divided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings
Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 15 years, 9 months
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Le_Canard]
#4142720 - 05/06/05 02:35 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Yeah, small town WA to LA. But I think it is more than that.
-------------------- 1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..." 2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..." 3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."
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Shroomism
Space Travellin
Registered: 02/13/00
Posts: 66,015
Loc: 9th Dimension
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Divided_Sky]
#4143392 - 05/06/05 05:10 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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society is geh. what it comes down to is are you going to listen to yourself and live for yourself and love yourself.. or live by societies rules and standards and games. Because you have to choose eventually.
--------------------
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Sterile
mushroom lover
Registered: 03/16/01
Posts: 2,535
Loc: under the Amanita
Last seen: 5 months, 28 days
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Shroomism]
#4143407 - 05/06/05 05:17 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. "
J. Krishnamurti
-------------------- The Source Of The Force Is The Power Of The Mind "if you don't like what you're doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove." - timothy leary" Anno: "-I can do anything with those clouds!" Annos Tek
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Sterile]
#4143416 - 05/06/05 05:19 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Sterile said:
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. "
J. Krishnamurti
Wow, I've never heard that quote before. Awesome.
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Shroomism
Space Travellin
Registered: 02/13/00
Posts: 66,015
Loc: 9th Dimension
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Sterile]
#4143434 - 05/06/05 05:24 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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what a cool quote. I must meet this krishnamurti
But yeah seriously man... you know those people who love society and aspire to be high members of that society and live by all the stupid ass rules and play all the stupid ass games, and are usually pretty unhappy and unbalanced when it comes down to it. Yeah.. fuck that.
Give me a laptop, an internet connection, the shroomery, and a forest, a bunch of good friends, some food, a drug or five.. I'm straight.
--------------------
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DoctorJ
Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 8,846
Loc: space
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Divided_Sky]
#4143627 - 05/06/05 06:27 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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'five clours blind the eye five tones deafen the ear five flavors cloy the palate racing and hunting madden the mind rare goods tempt men to do wrong therefore, the sage takes care of the belly, not the eye he prefers what is within to what is without'
-tao teh ching, Lao Tzu
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Divided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings
Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 15 years, 9 months
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: DoctorJ]
#4143953 - 05/06/05 08:01 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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It's my natural tendency to retreate to my inner world and be introspective, but that gets me isolated so I get lonely, and plus I have a hard time paying bills while being off dreaming all day. I think you guys are right that I need to assert myself in the world around me and not kiss people's asses who I don't like, and do things I don't want to do for some societal reward.
One of my biggest problems is that I have yet to create a life for myself. I really have nothing but my freinds from my hometown and college and money from my dad. I feel I'm a pretty talented person and I want to do something artistic like write a novel or play music, but I get to discouraged. This was always my solution for making peace with the world, using my introspection to communicate through art. Trouble is I feel like I need alot of emotional support to do this and I don't have it. I keep saying I will work on my writing or my poems or my music and I never do.
Now I no longer have the freedom and recources to do any of this and I have to hack it in the real world. hmm.
-------------------- 1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..." 2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..." 3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."
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swiftrance
Let there be light
Registered: 03/20/05
Posts: 449
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Divided_Sky]
#4144637 - 05/07/05 12:09 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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man do i feel ya. ive been at college for 2 years now, i have no real friends here, no social life, hardly ever party... no life i suppose.... and it seems all these things are linked somehow but i just cant find the personality to fix it. its like a numbness.. knowing youre unhappy but unable to change (at least more than a day or two).. i constantly fret if this is really who im turning into and how long its going to last.
all in all
i just call it depression. try not to worry so much. and keep things simple.
therell be better days.
--------------------
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kaiowas
lest we baguette
Registered: 07/14/03
Posts: 5,501
Loc: oz
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Divided_Sky]
#4144673 - 05/07/05 12:32 AM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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hey hey divided sky!! the first thing you might want to do is to be happy. not because of any other reason but because you are alive. Before anything. be happy not because of what happens, but because you have the ability to experience. you have food shelter and clothing, and from the sound of it, good health. These are things that a lot of people in the world don't have. It takes a lot of mental work, but isn't peace and/or bliss worth it?
it sounds like you need to find yourself. by this I don't mean ego or your personality, but your essential nature.
what have you always wanted to do but just haven't motivated yourself to do so. a hobbie if you will. You can start at anytime, and I suggest you do it now! with a hobbie, you will find yourself meeting new people automatically because you'll be going out more. you seem really good at writing, so you might want to start there.
the system is rather harsh, but don't let it get to you. just keep on keeping on. there really isn't a secret to adulthood save one....adulthood doesn't exist . keep your inner child, be playful, if you get rid of that, then you will end up feeling hollow. believe me, I've been there. many of us have, and many of us will continue to do so.
The point is not to find the right person, but to be the right person.
you can be a good person all you want, but if you don't express that goodness to others and yourself, then it really isn't doing the job you want it to.
You always belong, you don't need anything to make you feel that way.
The system is the way it is and you are here at this time because it is essential for your spiritual growth. If you can find your way through all of this rubbish, you'll come out feeling better, and more important, being better.
drop me a pm sometime or contact me on aim or msn if you'd like to chat. All we have to give to each other is love. spread it and it will spread back to you.
-------------------- Annnnnnd I had a light saber and my friend was there and I said "you look like an indian" and he said "you look like satan" and he found a stick and a rock and he named the rock ooga booga and he named the stick Stick and we both thought that was pretty funny. We got eaten alive by mosquitos but didn't notice til the next day. I stepped on some glass while wading in the swamp and cut my foot open, didn't bother me til the next day either....yeah it was a good time, ended the night by buying some liquor for minors and drinking nips and going to he diner and eating chicken fingers, and then I went home and went to bed.
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BrAiN
Art Fag
Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 6,875
Loc: Chocolate City
Last seen: 2 years, 6 months
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: kaiowas]
#4147043 - 05/07/05 02:39 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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yo divided sky.. we need to meet up sometime man.. i love silverlake... i know an artist dude that has a shop down there right near the elliot smith wall
hit me up
AIM: beachbulala
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DirtMcgirt
in a pinch
Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 2,213
Loc: city of angels
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Re: Having trouble living in this world [Re: Divided_Sky]
#4148366 - 05/07/05 09:18 PM (18 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Yeah, small town WA to LA. But I think it is more than that.
When I get stir crazy here in LA I go to:
-Go to joshua tree natnl park about 90 minutes east. Camping is free in some areas (or like 10 bucks) and its nice to get the hell away from the city.
-take tapo canyon road from the valley into malibu and pull off the side of the road somewhere in between and drink a bottle of wine or smoke a spliff and reflect.
Quote:
This was always my solution for making peace with the world, using my introspection to communicate through art. Trouble is I feel like I need alot of emotional support to do this and I don't have it. I keep saying I will work on my writing or my poems or my music and I never do.
I think you have part of your solution right here. Creative writing is easier said than done. If it has helped you before it will now you just got to get a routine for it. Start making yourself writing music or literature just to fucking kill time if for nothing else. Don't worry about quality (I assume the emotional support you claim to need is out of insecurity in the quality of your work) just create for 30 minutes a day or whatever. Eventually you will either lose all interest and stop doing it or it will become a release and you'll enjoy it. That what worked for me when I was all "I'm gonna start working on 'x' again I just am not in the mood right now" Either way you'll feel better about yourself for having tried something.
-------------------- "And we, inhabitants of the great coral of the Cosmos, believe the atom (which still we cannot see) to be full matter, whereas, it too, like everything else, is but an embroidery of voids in the Void, and we give the name of being, dense and even eternal, to that dance of inconsistencies, that infinite extension that is identified with absolute Nothingness and that spins from its own non-being the illusion of everything."
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