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Registered: 02/15/05
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    #4109442 - 04/29/05 02:25 AM (13 years, 9 months ago)

I've been putting this off for a long time. I thought talking about this would make me look weak, but I really don't know where else to turn for an answer to this. Since this forum deals with psychedelics, I suppose this is a good place to talk about this type of thing.

A few months ago, I had a very bad trip. It was a trip from hell, and I haven't been the same since. It was back in January. I took a small dose of DXM, about 300mg. I've had at least 100 trips of the same dose of DXM under my belt before this, over the past 3 years. But for some reason it hit me so hard that particular night that I just freaked out. I don't know how it happened, maybe my mindset was wrong. I was already feeling depressed, and decided to eat some robogels to feel better. Anyway, I won't go into the details of the trip, but let me at least explain how I felt at the peak: I felt like my being was disappearing, that I was disintegrating into nothing. I felt like my existence meant nothing. I felt like I was dying, even though a part of my mind knew I wasn't. I may as well have died than to live how I feel now. I was left with a feeling of complete terror and anxiety. I can no longer access those parts of my higher consciousness that I used to when I tripped or even smoked pot. It's like they've been barricaded behind a door. And to get through the door I have to confront this utter feeling of terror. I don't know the reason or source for this fear either.

Ever since that trip, I've had intense feelings of hopelessness and anxiety. I used to enjoy spending time alone. Now I'm terrified to be alone. I'm alone in my apartment right now while writing this and all I wish for is someone else to be here. But even when I'm with other people, I feel like I'm not really there. I feel like my body is a robot and I'm watching things from far away. I don't feel all "there" anymore, like I'm completely detached from what's going on around me. I don't feel happy anymore, at all. The only time I feel happy is when I'm with someone else who's happy, then I kind of feign happiness for their sake.

The other thing is the terrified feeling I have every day, of living life. I'm just terrified of doing anything new or remotely risky now. I feel like I can only do the things in a strict routine and if I deviate from that routine something bad will happen. That's crazy, I know, I feel like I'm trapped inside a computer program that won't let me act outside the instructions. I know that sounds weird but that's the best I can describe it.

Yet another thing is, my personality has completely changed. It changed the instant after I freaked out during my trip. I'm terrified of exploring anything outside mundane life now. I used to be into philosophy, science, drugs, and all sorts of hobbies. Now all I care about is money and girls and material things. I feel like a completely different person, and I want the old person back.

For some reason writing this out made me really angry and irritated. My roommate just came in the door and I snapped at him for something really trivial. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

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Re: terrified [Re: moog]
    #4110279 - 04/29/05 11:00 AM (13 years, 9 months ago)

You are just recovering from a very intense experience.
Just give it time, man. I know it feels really bad right now, but just chill for awhile. Regardless of your feelings of terror, you should go out and make an effort at changing your routine. Sorry, but not anyone can do the same things always, there are always constant variables.
Ride it out, you will be fine.
Only you have the power to change yourself. It is just a fucking chemical, it is a cough suppressant, it might have dissociated you, but it will not be permanent. Can you not also care about money and girls and material things. I know they are cliche to say you care about them, but hell we all do. We live in a world run by money, how can one not care about it? It is a part woven into all our lives even if we like it or not. I myself loathe money, but hell I gotta think about it just about every day.

No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT.

You are everything's way of feeling itself.

Happy Schwag, everygodly!

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Registered: 03/01/05
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Re: terrified [Re: mecreateme]
    #4110300 - 04/29/05 11:10 AM (13 years, 9 months ago)

you will pull through. everyone has had the shit zaped to them. you will surive.

you may want to put your experience out of your head, which is fine. but! never forget.

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Re: terrified [Re: moog]
    #4110444 - 04/29/05 11:53 AM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Hey man!

The feelings of hopelessness and anxiety, being unsure of a lot of things is completely normal after-effect of a bad trip you've had. And the truth is it can take weeks or months for things to get back to being completely normal, but you will recover. We all have.

Contrary to the advice posted above I suggest you stick to routine for the time being. Routine and structure will ground you and give you a sense of control and safety. You need that. You also need to take care of yourself right now so try to avoid stressful situations and people, any kind of drugs and stimulants (including coffee!), all-night entertainment, etc.

The detachment you are experiencing is called ?dissociation? and is a normal experience for every human being. Drug users and trauma survivors are more prone to severe states of it and that may start to present a problem. What will help you here is grounding exercises, physical workout and avoidance of mind-altering substances.

I also suggest a few additional things. Find a good therapist that will help you and guide you in the process of your recovery. If things get too intense visit your doctor and get a prescription for some mild tranquillisers. Let your friends know what you are going through and ask for their sympathy, understanding and company. Also, find additional sources of information for your troubles. And get the following few books that will make a world of difference:

Overcoming Anxiety : From Short-Time Fixes to Long-Term Recovery

Beyond Anxiety and Phobia: A Step-By-Step Guide to Lifetime Recovery

The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness

Emotional Genius : Discovering the Deepest Language of the Soul

I also found some good advice from a health expert on the BBC's site. It's good but too pessimistic in some parts, so take it with a grain of salt: http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/ask_doctor/bad_trip_drugs.shtml

Remember! Although things look hopeless, they are not. This too shall pass and you will come out of it as one bad motherfucker, stronger and smarter than ever before. 

Good luck!  :thumbup:

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Re: terrified [Re: moog]
    #4110639 - 04/29/05 12:49 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

I've had those feelings before. When I was about 19 yrs old I tripped with some friends. We each ate 1/8 of shrooms 2 hits of double dip woodstock and smoked an eighth of weed between us...that was the single most terrifying drug experience of my life. I remember thinking to myself "there's a part of me that has died tonight." I experienced severe, non-directed ego loss, along with other severely disturbing hallucinations and negative thought patterns. It took me months to get over that trip. In retrospect, for me, it was an experience that was only the beginning of a long chain of bizzare and disturbing life experiences for months/years to come. While the trip was disturbing I found it helpful as well. It helped me to understand my limitations. It forced me to go outside of my comfortable boundaries and experience another side of existence. Turn this feeling around.

It sounds like somewhere down the line change crept in slowly and you woke up one day to realize that you didn't like what you are seeing for yourself. The DXM was just a facilitator for these feelings. All it did was heighten what you were already feeling on a more subtle level. As other people have already stated, give it some time. Think about how you want your life to be and live it. Stay away from anything that keeps you feeling stuck, anything that keeps you from doing what you'd rather be doing. It sounds as though you're just reevaluating your priorities in life. This is all NORMAL. It's when you do nothing about it that it can turn into something abnormal. When you become afraid of change is the pinnacle moment when change forces itself on you and it's rarely what you'll want. You can either make the change happen in a positive way by taking control of your own happiness, or you can let life happen to you never really getting what you want.

One of the best things you can do now is break the chains that bind you. Do something for yourself that you've always wanted to do. Go on a journey. Get away from your computer, shut off the tv, take a walk in the woods. Take a vacation and go somewhere you've always wanted to go. walk down the street and sit in the park, swing on the swing-set by yourself. Buy a punching bag. Go to the library by yourself and spend time reading about things you enjoy. Break out of your daily grind and get a new perspective; it sounds like you need it. Don't listen to your friends and don't listen to the critical voices that judge you for being happy. The crab mentallity is everywhere (Crab mentallity - put a bunch of crabs in a bucket and when one crab tries to escape the bucket the other crabs will pull it back down into the bucket). Weed out the crabs in your life and from your own mind.

Don't resist what your gut is telling you. The enteric brain doesn't lie, the one in your head does. If you feel like shit then look for ways to feel better and open your mind to how/what/when the answer comes. Don't pre-judge the situation. No-one can make you feel better; if they tried it would only serve to make you complacent and unsatisfied. You are the only one who can make you happy. Act now. Don't allow preconcieved judgements and negativity decide the answer for you. The answer to your problems are all around you and ultimately within you. You just have to lighten your load, free your mind and open your heart to positive change. Meditate, eat a sandwitch, stand on your head, excremeditate (take a shit), do what it takes to relax and remove yourself from the situation at hand. Test your boundaries! The answer to your problems will become obvious.

Just a moment of lucidity on my part. I don't always follow this advice myself bu when I do, I feel damn good!
I hope this helps.

The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum - even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that there's free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate
-Noam Chomsky

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Re: terrified [Re: Mobius_Strip]
    #4111621 - 04/29/05 05:16 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Hi Moog.

First let me say to you that you have made a wise decision to talk this through with others on this site. Also don't be hard on yourself, you must now be kind to your inner being and begin the process of recovery.

I experienced this back in October 2004, following a very heavy mushroom trip. I experienced terrifying feelings of dread, anxiety and depression. I was also feeling detached and disassociated with everything around me. There were not the words to describe the weird feelings that I was experiencing. Often I felt like I was an observer trapped within myself. I was looking through someone Else's eyes. I couldn't understand what had caused this after many happy and insightful trips prior to this experience. I noticed that you mentioned that you were reluctant to open up about how you were feeling in-case you were considered weak. I can relate to this, as my peer group accused me of just being weak minded also. YOU ARE NOT WEAK OR WEAK MINDED, AND THIS IS A VERY REAL AND DISTURBING PROBLEM.

I came onto this site at that time looking for reassurance, I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be OK, because the way I felt at the time was worse than the thought of dying. I felt that ending my life would be the only relief from this terrible prison of indescribable feelings. The worst thing was that I thought I was going mad........insane. I thought that my feelings were ultimately going to lead to a full blown psychosis, and that is one frightening thought to have.

It has taken me until now to begin to function properly again, that is nearly 7 months. I still do not know what caused this episode, maybe it was a result of long term abuse of the serotonergic pathways in the brain. What ever the reason, there is hope at the end of the long dark tunnel, you just got to ride it out. Take the advice already given in the previous posts. Ensure that your diet is good, get plenty of exercise, (Very good for the serotenergic system recovery) I have also remained abstinent of all hallucinogenic drugs since that trip. I limit my drug use now to occasional codeine for relaxation. Avoid cannabis, because that will keep you stuck in that bad place also.

For approximately the past 6 weeks, I have also been taking St Johns wort. This has really given me back my enthusiasm and motivation, and I am now beginning to really enjoy life again. My feelings of anxiety, dread and disassociation have almost disappeared. I never thought that would be possible.

You will come out of this, you are not alone.

My thoughts are with you and will send you absent healing right now.

Keep on this site, and keep talking your feelings through. It will help you to make sense of what is happening.

Take care Moog.......You will recover, but it takes time.

"They are trying to build a prison, for you and me to live in"

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Re: terrified [Re: moog]
    #4111644 - 04/29/05 05:24 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

before you hold it, you can not let it go.. :smile:



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Re: terrified [Re: BlueOrb]
    #4112226 - 04/29/05 08:22 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Thanks all for the encouragement. It seems this is a more common problem than I thought it was.

BlueOrb you put it perfectly when you said,
"Often I felt like I was an observer trapped within myself. I was looking through someone Else's eyes."

This is exactly what it feels like, and that's what's causing this feeling that I can't do anything other than routine. But I have to change, I know that. Some days it seems so hard. Other days I can change my outlook with the flip of a mental switch, like when I hear a good song. I guess I just have to give it time... and hope these feelings pass.

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Re: terrified [Re: moog]
    #4112240 - 04/29/05 08:27 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

There is a lot of good advice here, I have none to add in fact....However, I'd like to throw this out there; I experienced a similiar state of detachment from this world and all the BS in it after a heavy mushroom trip.....however it was not terrifying, in fact it was blissful....the happiest, most spiritual, and...most productive period in my life. That last one is kind of weird considering money, work, material items, etc, didn't matter one iota to me.

Hungry dogs run faster

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Re: terrified [Re: Dark_Star]
    #4112525 - 04/29/05 10:18 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Man, I really feel for you. I went through pretty much the same thing. One night I got way too high and when I came back I felt that everything was fake. My freind said my description was somewhat similar to a DXM trip because of the extreme mindfuck. Probobly some of the most painful months of my life. That was almost a year ago and I'm more or less recovered. It takes time, but you have to faced down your anxiety and get back in touch with your person and the world in general.

Remember, even though one thought or feeling can be EXTREMELY powerful, it is just a thought. Don't cling to it and just let it go.

I'm posting a link to the post I made when I went through a similar thing.
I don't have time for a longer post, but I'll try to get back to you later, because these experiences REALLY suck.


1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."

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Re: terrified [Re: moog]
    #4112720 - 04/29/05 11:43 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Control your inputs.

You are in control of your mind. Not the other way around.

I AM what Willis was talkin' bout.

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Re: terrified [Re: Jellric]
    #4116521 - 04/30/05 11:05 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Dude it will be alright sometimes psycedelic experience can be intense. But im sure you learned alot from it.

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