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InvisibletrendalM
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Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends
    #4098979 - 04/26/05 03:08 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

For most of my life now, nearly all of it which I can remember, I have lived two very distinct lives. One is my shell, my front to the world. What I allow people to know. The other feels much richer, because it is, but remains on the inside nearly constantly. I fear showing my true self, because I feel misunderstood whenever I try. Even writing about it, like this, is hard despite the lack of a person in front of me to misunderstand.

So I put on a face. A mask. Something, anything, to cover up what I am really thinking. I do not like doing so, but it feels essential. In practice this means I shy away from social interaction, especially direct social interaction. There are many days, most days, where I wish I could live alone and away from everyone. Other people are unreliable, often unpredictable. In the interest of peace I tend to agree with everything people say in social situations, because it's just easier than having to explain myself to them. I manipulate my mask and those around me not out of malice, but because I need and require streamlined stress-free social interaction. I fear hurting others, mostly because I just don't understand why they hurt in the first place.

And then there's this rich inner world. A vibrant place, where I live in solitude. I enjoy the company of my imagination far greater than the company of others. It's always there for me, and always has been. I have taught myself much about many different areas of knowledge, and I can use this to play out the fantasies in my mind. It feels more real than this dull, unexciting world outside.

I have a place, in my mind, where I live. An immense field of waist-high grass, deep green, surrounds my home. Mountains and forests stand in the distance. It's warm, here, and a gentle wind is ever present to sway the grass into ripples of green waves. The sun shines, and the clouds are white. Isolation.

In my home I play with thought and concept. I make ideas. Create them. They are there to play with. To turn and twist, or turn inside out. Combine and re-arrange them. Fit the puzzle together in ways not designed. Experience itself is drab compared to the wondrous, infinite supply of conceptual combinations. There is no communication possible, at least now, that can come close to a full description of thought itself. I can give no more than vague descriptions, at best hope for a glimmer of understanding about possibly a handful of concepts.

I don't feel normal, because of all this. I feel chronically different from those around me. Not better, just different. It becomes so taxing at times, dealing with the world outside, that I want to scream. Why, I ask myself. Why was I born now, and here? What a grand joke to play on me, to stick me in a prison I can't escape from. Alienated, I walk this planet alone. I like being who I am, but who I am is only explainable to myself. I have a bare handful of friends, almost exclusively due to work. I have had two girlfriends in my life, one for three years and the other for just over a year. I would say we were really close, and they probably knew more about who I was at the time than anyone else, but still I felt only partially understood. Only partially known. I broke up with my last girlfriend 3 years ago now. I have met girls I felt compatible with in the time since, and I could easily have begun a new relationship with any of them. Instead, I let myself drift away. The more time I spend alone, the more time I want to spend alone.

So this is my story, of why I live two lives. I have friends who may read this, and to those who do I apologize if I have ever offended you with manipulation. I have tried manipulation, if you've known me very long, and for that I apologize. I meant no harm. For my future friends, I also apologize. I will mean you no harm.

Lastly, do not feel sad for me. I enjoy myself, very much. Some seem concerned in my life. Some have even told me they feel sad "for" me. If you do feel concerned, or sad, do not. This is the path I have chosen to walk.

I will be fine.


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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InvisibleJellric
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: trendal] * 1
    #4099175 - 04/26/05 03:47 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

I was in a very similar place for a number of years. Finally I was forced to face the fact that I owe my family and friends my authentic self. I was escaping into my own private fantasy realm. Now I mainly go "there" with the desire to return with something of value for myself and others. Otherwise of what use am I to the world?

The danger of keeping your true face pointed inward is that you run the risk of forgetting who you are. You can lose that connection to your authentic self. And then what are you left with? You would have no external checks on your identity and thoughts so you can become very lost over time without those external reference points.

I am still an introvert with a small number of close friends, and find most personal interaction to be very draining, but I do it from a sense of duty. As far as feeling imprisoned and such I can totally relate. And the only way to realize that is by comparison- you have been liberated in that other world and you want to stay there as much as possible. Just consider that you might be in this world for a reason and try to discover what that purpose is. That should occupy you for a lifetime or so..


--------------------
I AM what Willis was talkin' bout.


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Offlinetomk
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: Jellric]
    #4099244 - 04/26/05 04:09 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

That sounds a lot like a schizotypal personality disorder, man. I have the same thing.

http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/schtypal.htm

"The essential feature of StPD is a "e;pervasive pattern of social and interpersonal deficits marked by acute discomfort with, and reduced capacity for, close relationships as well as by cognitive or perceptual distortions and eccentricities of behavior"e; (DSM-IV?, 1994, p. 641).

The schizotypal personality disorder was introduced in the DSM-III in 1980. The term schizotype was first used by Sandor Rado in 1953 as a combination of schizophrenic and genotype. The concept came from the awareness that there were nonpsychotic but eccentric and dysfunctional personalities who were considered to have attenuated expressions of the constitutional defect that underlay schizophrenia (Akhtar, 1992, pp. 260-261). Rado hypothesized that these schizotypal individuals had the same two constitutional defects that were found in schizophrenia, i.e., deficiency in integrating pleasurable experiences and a distorted awareness of the bodily self. The symptoms of StPD came from these two defects and included: chronic anhedonia and poor development of the pleasurable emotions; continual engulfment in emergency emotions, e.g. fear and rage; extreme sensitivity to rejection and loss of affection; feelings of alienation; a rudimentary sexual life; and, a propensity for cognitive disorganization under stress (Akhtar, 1992, p. 263).

Individuals with StPD:


may have ideas of reference;

be superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena;

feel they have special powers;

believe they have magical control over others;

experience perceptual alterations;

have loose and vague speech (without being incoherent);

be suspicious and have paranoid ideation;

be affectively inappropriate;

have odd and eccentric mannerisms;

experience interpersonal problems;

have few close friends; and,

have social anxiety that does not abate with time (DSM-IV?, 1994, pp. 641-642)."

...

"Individuals with StPD have poorly regulated cognitive controls that are particularly vulnerable to disruption when experiencing affective interpersonal stimuli. Cognitive slippage can occur even with low levels of anxiety; when this happens, their speech becomes digressive, vague, and difficult to follow (Seiver, Lion, Editor, p. 49). Unable to achieve interpersonal comfort and satisfaction, they drift into isolation and increasingly peripheral vocational roles (Millon & Davis, 1996, pp. 624-625).

Interpersonal isolation and peculiarity become mutually exacerbating conditions. The more isolated persons with StPD are, the more peculiar they become. The more peculiar they become, the more they are interpersonally maladroit and isolated. "

...

"All of the personality disorders have an inherent tendency to live in the past, or in fantasy, with too little input from the here and now. This produces a characteristic infantile quality in these individuals (Kantor, 1992, p. 36). To this, in StPD, is added an inclination to create illogical theories that are wishful, capricious, magical, and mysterious. These odd beliefs are "e;soft"e; delusions in that they are modest, trivial, low key, and surrealistic; they create a dreamy eccentricity in individuals with StPD (Kantor, p. 75). Oldham (1990, p. 260) suggests that people with StPD need to believe that they have extraordinary, supernatural powers in order to give meaning to their impoverished sense of self. Millon & Davis (1996, p. 626) propose that StPDs are overwhelmed by the dread of total disintegration and nonexistence; the self-made reality of superstition, suspicion, and illusion counter the threat of non-being.

Millon & Davis (1996, p. 626) describe individuals with StPD as ineffective and uncoordinated in regulating their needs, tensions, and goals. Their inadequate defenses lead to a disorganized and often direct discharge of primitive thoughts and impulses. They are unable to effectively sublimate their energy into reality-based activity and have few successful achievements in life. The disorganized and ineffective defenses further leave StPDs vulnerable to being overwhelmed by excess stimulation."

...

"Zimmerman (1994, pp. 92-95) suggests the following questions when assessing for schizotypal personality disorder:


Have you ever found that people around you -- who seem to be talking in general -- are actually making comments meant for you? If so, how did you find out they were talking about you?

When you walk into a room, do people stop talking or begin acting differently? Does this happen often?

Have you ever experienced someone in charge changing the rules specifically because of you but would not admit it?

Do you sometimes feel like strangers in public places are looking at you or are talking about you? Why do you think they are taking particular notice of you?

Some people talk about having ESP or mental telepathy; they feel like they can sense what is in someone's mind or predict the future. Have you had experiences like this? Very often? Have these experiences become important in your life?

Are you superstitious? In what way? Does this influence decisions you make? Do your friends or family share these superstitions?

Some people believe they can influence the weather or the outcome of ball games just by thinking about them. Do you believe that you can make things happen just by thinking about them?

Do you believe in curses, omens, hexes, voodoo, witchcraft, magic, or other similar things?

Have you ever sensed that there was some unusual force or presence close to you? What do you think caused this? Has it happened often?

Have you ever experienced the world around you looking different than it usually does? Can you describe what it was like? What do you think caused this to happen?

Do your eyes play tricks on you? For example, have you ever seen someone's face or body suddenly change in shape or form?

Do you ever mistake noises for voices or shadows for people? Does this happen often?

Have you ever experienced people who pretended to be your friends taking advantage of you? What happened?

Do you find yourself trying to figure out what people really mean instead of taking what they said at face value?

Do people tell you that you read too much into things?

Do people tell you that you take offense at things that were not meant to be critical?

Not counting your immediate family, do you have any close friends in whom you can confide?

Do you generally feel anxious around people? What makes you nervous? How bad does it get for you? "

This part was also interesting:

"While no single pattern of substance use or abuse can be identified for any of the personality disorders, individuals with StPD may well be attracted to psychedelics. Milkman and Sunderwirth (1987, p. xiv) suggest that, from a psychological perspective, drug choice depends on a positive "e;fit"e; with individuals' usual style of coping. The drug of choice can function as a pharmacologic defense mechanism. For individuals with StPD, there is the possibility of an addiction to compulsive fantasy and an inclination to seek drug experiences with the psychedelics that provide imaginative transport such as with LSD, psilocybin, and peyote. Marijuana is also a favored drug for these individuals.

Walant (1995, pp. 146-147) notes that LSD give some individuals a false sense of control. The drug allows escape from reality to a drug-induced mental chaos that seems to be in the control of the users. Weird perceptual distortions can actually alleviate anxiety about personal strangeness that is not drug induced.

Thaddeus Golas, the author of The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment, said that each of us declares the state of consciousness we prefer by the drugs we choose. He saw LSD as a means to spiritual levels of consciousness; it will show the user all of the divine intelligence he/she can handle; LSD "e;speaks from a timeless place"e; (From the Internet: http://www.highvib.org/archive1/lsd.htm). For individuals with StPD, how much more appealing must transcendence to a higher level of consciousness be to feeling or being seen as weird or bizarre."

...

"In spite of their interpersonal vulnerability, individuals with StPD often have an internal, rather quirky, resistance to what they may perceive as pressure from others. If, for example, they are not convinced that drug and alcohol use have significant negative consequences for them, they may well consider family, friends, and service provider admonitions for abstinence as (perhaps) well-meaning but misguided attempts to make individuals with StPD become conforming, boring, and dull. This will be particularly true if these individuals entertain ideas of transcendence as a result of psychedelic use, e.g. they transcend the ordinary and become wise, spiritual, or special in some manner. It is also likely that individuals with StPD may feel, or actually be, socially adept only when using and when they are with their drug-using friends."

And finally:

"Clients with StPD are inclined to engage treatment providers in circuitous, belabored, odd, and meaningless discourses on subjects like: "e;artistic endeavor and the use of drugs"e; or "e;mental health treatment providers as agents of social control."e; Treatment providers may become overwhelmed, bored, or frustrated and begin to withdraw. Individuals with StPD will not be able to structure treatment sessions; the focus and content will need to come from service providers so that the therapeutic tasks can be achieved and neither client nor clinician become overwhelmed and defeated."


--------------------
"I am eternally free"


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: trendal]
    #4100181 - 04/26/05 08:57 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Trendal, You sound pretty "normal" to me. Most people to one degree or another live like you do. I believe it's the cause of much unhappiness that doesn't have to be. I know you say you're happy, but I wonder then why you might post this. Maybe things could be even better. Living your authentic self is a courageous and exciting adventure. Life gets very exciting and at the same time you have a sense of peace and confidence. No one does this perfectly but it's worth the effort IMO. Especially if you ever want to really connect with someone in your life. Telling the truth is one of the bravest things one can do.

There is a neat book that was useful in explaining this to me and helpful in implementing it also. It's by Ken Keyes and called The Handbook to Higher Consciousness. I really think it's neat when someone like you is very honest about their personal life in these forums. It shows courage and soulfullness.  :heart: :thumbup:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlinethe_phoenix
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: tomk]
    #4100182 - 04/26/05 08:57 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

"Everyone plays roles, it's just best to do it as subtly and naturally as possible." -unknown

(I sound like gomp :shocked:)


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: Icelander]
    #4100310 - 04/26/05 09:45 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Icelander said:
Trendal, You sound pretty "normal" to me. 




I was just thinking the same thing. 

Good luck to you, Trendal.  :heart:


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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: tomk]
    #4101918 - 04/27/05 09:27 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Yes I've read up on schitzotypal disorder and while it does describe certain aspects of my life quite well...I am hesitant to apply another "disorder" definition to my personality. :smirk:

That part about the marijuana/psychedelics was interesting...those are certainly my personal favorites, when it comes to drugs.


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: Icelander]
    #4101933 - 04/27/05 09:47 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Well I shouldn't claim to be entirely different. Obviously I'm a human and as such a great deal (most?) of what I am is the exact same as every other human. It's so hard to define what "normal" is in the first place, anyway. Instead I'll just say that I am different enough to pose communications problems with a good portion of the population.

Now I'm also not going to claim that I am happy 24/7 or anything like that. I have my ups and downs, as I'm sure everyone has (as well, I don't tend to experience emotion constantly throughout the day so how COULD I be "happy" all the time?). More importantly (to me) is that I am content with life far more than uncontent. You are also right that not acting like "myself" tends to cause stress, but it's not as if I haven't tried or am incapable of acting like myself. It just takes the right person on the other end, to bring out the real me.

I am, for some ungodly reason, generally QUITE aware of the moment-to-moment emotional/mental state of someone sitting directly in front of me. More importantly, I can EASILY tell when someone is following my train of thought, and understands what I am saying. I can pick out almost the exact second where they may lose me and begin to misunderstand. With people who want to understand, this is absolutely PERFECT, because I can tailor-make my explanation FOR that person and change the explanation whenever they may need a change. I have a hard time finding people like that, however. With people who just won't make the effort to understand is where I have the most trouble: because I can almost visibly SEE their misunderstanding. I can feel it, and that makes me uneasy. To KNOW that I am being directly misunderstood, while it happens, is an unnerving feeling.

My reason for posting all this is mostly just to get it out. At least when I write, like this, I can pretend that everyone who reads it will understand, and it just helps sometimes to get my thoughts down in writing like this!

One last thing: when I say I manipulate my friends and those around me, I don't want you to think that I lie to my friends. I don't. I've always been terrible at telling lies, anyway. My manipulation comes purly from witholding information, not falsifying it, and all the information I withold is directly related to Me, my personality, and my convictions. I simply feel uncomfortable telling people some of my thoughts or things about my personality (for instance I could likely NEVER discuss this in person) and so I hold them in and allow people to think otherwise about me. I have only recently come to realize this for the manipulation it is and thus wanted to apologize to the friends I may have harmed by doing so.


EllemyshShade: :heart: :smile:


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: trendal]
    #4101990 - 04/27/05 10:26 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

I agree with those above who said you sound pretty damn normal... and if you have that schitzo disorder, then I have it too, and so do about a million other people who don't know it. I am very weary of the word 'disorder'.

To me, that sounds like a disorder similar to "ADD"--which I believe to be a cop-out excuse of a disorder used to describe an aspect of the personality of EVERY person that simply varies to different degrees from person to person.

For the record, according to a psychologist I would probably have ADD too... but oddly enough, ('odd' from a perspective that believes ADD is an actual disease/disorder) I've been able to gain more and more focus over the last 5-10 years.

I believe these disorders are used as a means to an end... so that one can be prescribed this or that instead of committing to working on their inner self.


Edited by JacquesCousteau (04/27/05 10:56 AM)


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: trendal] * 1
    #4102015 - 04/27/05 10:36 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

trendal said:I am, for some ungodly reason, generally QUITE aware of the moment-to-moment emotional/mental state of someone sitting directly in front of me. More importantly, I can EASILY tell when someone is following my train of thought, and understands what I am saying. I can pick out almost the exact second where they may lose me and begin to misunderstand. With people who want to understand, this is absolutely PERFECT, because I can tailor-make my explanation FOR that person and change the explanation whenever they may need a change. I have a hard time finding people like that, however.




Dude, in all seriousness, I can't wait to talk to you at the gathering... I have the feeling we are going to click very well. The only thing is, I might seem a little uneasy at first... this is just because I'm naturally reclusive, and I tend to give off some odd vibes at first because of that. However, once I get into the flow of the conversation, I think we will have an easy time relating to eachother. :smile:  :heart: :thumbup:


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OfflineOrganic
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4102019 - 04/27/05 10:39 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Schizotypal can describe a large percent of our conditioned society. Diagnoses are largely bullshit generalizations.

I feel you completely Trendal...I just live now, try not to worry. Thats our purpose, right? To live :sun:


--------------------


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: Organic]
    #4102114 - 04/27/05 11:13 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Organic said:
Schizotypal can describe a large percent of our conditioned society. Diagnoses are largely bullshit generalizations.




Yup!


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InvisibleAdden
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: trendal]
    #4102117 - 04/27/05 11:15 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Other people are unreliable, often unpredictable. In the interest of peace I tend to agree with everything people say in social situations, because it's just easier than having to explain myself to them.




They're also not very trustworthy. Ever have your best friend stab you in the back?

And yes, it's easier to agree with simians than try to explain anything to them. Let them move along their aimless lives and hold your own beliefs close; it's not their business anyway.


Quote:

I enjoy the company of my imagination far greater than the company of others.




My imagination pwns any company I could ever have, save for a few people in the history of time, but they're long gone anyway.


Quote:

I have a place, in my mind, where I live. An immense field of waist-high grass, deep green, surrounds my home. Mountains and forests stand in the distance. It's warm, here, and a gentle wind is ever present to sway the grass into ripples of green waves. The sun shines, and the clouds are white.




Sounds wonderful :grin:

Quote:

I have a bare handful of friends, almost exclusively due to work. I have had two girlfriends in my life, one for three years and the other for just over a year. I would say we were really close, and they probably knew more about who I was at the time than anyone else, but still I felt only partially understood. Only partially known. I broke up with my last girlfriend 3 years ago now. I have met girls I felt compatible with in the time since, and I could easily have begun a new relationship with any of them.




At least you're not an empty, careless person going from girl to girl only caring about yourself and treating them like garbage. It takes awhile to find the right girl. I was with a girl for three years and I thought she was the one - nope. Recently ended a 2+ year - nope. I'm on sabbatical :grin:

Also, who cares about the number of friends you have? Its the quality of those that you do have, the ones you trust enough to enter your world. Why let someone damaging into your life? Someone who's going to interrupt your life, upset you, or harm you emotionally or physically?


It is much better to be individual and content with who you are than to be another cog in the machine.


Cheers,
s2


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InvisibleLe_Canard
Danger Man

Registered: 05/17/03
Posts: 93,264
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: trendal]
    #4102182 - 04/27/05 11:48 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

trendal said:
Lastly, do not feel sad for me. I enjoy myself, very much. Some seem concerned in my life. Some have even told me they feel sad "for" me. If you do feel concerned, or sad, do not. This is the path I have chosen to walk.

I will be fine.




We are much alike my friend. As long as we're happy, who cares what others think?


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Offlinetomk
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Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: Le_Canard]
    #4102361 - 04/27/05 12:51 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

The disorder isn't bunk like ADD.  First, there isn't a schizotypal pill like ritalin.  Usually, with schizotypal, social therapy is needed to help people build and maintain relationships, not medicines. 

But the thing is, I don't think that symptomology does apply to most people.  You realize when you say "I am, for some ungodly reason, generally QUITE aware of the moment-to-moment emotional/mental state of someone sitting directly in front of me. More importantly, I can EASILY tell when someone is following my train of thought, and understands what I am saying." that thats exactly what they mean for magical type thinking, for example.  When you say "I have a place, in my mind, where I live. An immense field of waist-high grass, deep green, surrounds my home. Mountains and forests stand in the distance. It's warm, here, and a gentle wind is ever present to sway the grass into ripples of green waves. The sun shines, and the clouds are white. Isolation."  That is what they mean by some of that stuff about preoccupation with the fantasy life.  The question of do you have the disorder is seperate from the question of is it a good disorder to have.  Personally, I think the intellegence or creativity trade offs are worth the inept social skills and anxiety.  It would be bad to not confront your issues using some psychology as a tool because you don't want to be labeled disordered.

I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of us shroomerites were schizotypal/schizoid/schizotypy.  At all.  I agree that the diagnosis are largely bunk.  But, we still can gain something by looking at what psychology says about us.

I think we also can learn a lot from those diagnosis, even if we choose not to seek treatment.  The biggest problem for me is extreme social anxiety.  I just cannot be at easy among other people.  At first, I thought I didn't like other people.  Now, I realize being around them causes a lot of anxiety, but that anxiety is an illogical feeling.  This does not decrease with familierity.  So, even my friends I've been around a lot, years, I still get nervous around even to think about calling them on the phone.  When I thought this was generalized social anxiety, I was uncertain how to treat it, because a lot of those symptoms don't apply.  So, when I figured it out, then at least I knew where I was.  This will help me get over it.

When you say "This is the path I've chosen to walk" I think you are wrong.  You may want to reflect on this, but this could of happened instead.  When you were young (symptoms manifest by age 6) you probably had some difficulty interacting with your peers.  When you talk to them, always reading too much into what they say, and so always thinking people are looking at you a bit odd.  So, you drifted towards isolation.  When your perception of choices is "I could be alone and go to my heaven in my head" or "I could be with these other people and have them look at me wierd."  Your going to choose the former.  This cycle reinforces itself, often from childhood.  It would be something to think about if you really chose this path or if it chose you.  If your choices were based on having feeling of anxiety or thought-reading, etc, around other people, you had it before you made any choices about it.  I always used to feel like I could read peoples minds.

That is why I think the diagnosis would help you, Trendal.  After accepting the condition it is in, you can begin to deal with objectively evaluating where in life it is causing you problems, and how to counteract that.  This does not mean your goals must be to get rid of it.  Rather, the goal is how to get rid of the part of it that causes you problems without you feeling like you are losing your soul in the process.  This means not giving into psychology and getting super medicated, but it also means realizing there is something different between the way you experience life compared to most people, and realizing that this difference manifests itself in several ways, and then tackling those parts of that where it hurts you.

Of course, dealing with the aspects of this disorder is very important because of high suicide rates among people who have it as well.

:thumbup:


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"I am eternally free"


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Offlinetomk
King of OTD

Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 9 months, 3 days
Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: tomk]
    #4102370 - 04/27/05 12:58 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

http://www.millon.net/Taxonomy/SCZ.htm

That place has some more on the different parts of schizotypals affect on different aspects of functioning.


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InvisibleCalifornia
A E S T H E T I C S A T A N
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Registered: 12/27/04
Posts: 69,409
Loc: H A U N T E D H O U S E
Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: trendal]
    #4102901 - 04/27/05 03:51 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

trendal said:
For most of my life now, nearly all of it which I can remember, I have lived two very distinct lives.



Yes, we know trendal/Steve Nash Pro NBA Star.

But seriously...
Quote:

trendal said:
More importantly (to me) is that I am content with life far more than uncontent. It just takes the right person on the other end, to bring out the real me.

I am, for some ungodly reason, generally QUITE aware of the moment-to-moment emotional/mental state of someone sitting directly in front of me. More importantly, I can EASILY tell when someone is following my train of thought, and understands what I am saying. I can pick out almost the exact second where they may lose me and begin to misunderstand. With people who want to understand, this is absolutely PERFECT, because I can tailor-make my explanation FOR that person and change the explanation whenever they may need a change. I have a hard time finding people like that, however. With people who just won't make the effort to understand is where I have the most trouble: because I can almost visibly SEE their misunderstanding. I can feel it, and that makes me uneasy. To KNOW that I am being directly misunderstood, while it happens, is an unnerving feeling.
One last thing: when I say I manipulate my friends and those around me, I don't want you to think that I lie to my friends. I don't. I've always been terrible at telling lies, anyway. My manipulation comes purly from witholding information, not falsifying it, and all the information I withold is directly related to Me, my personality, and my convictions. I simply feel uncomfortable telling people some of my thoughts or things about my personality (for instance I could likely NEVER discuss this in person) and so I hold them in and allow people to think otherwise about me.




^I feel the same often.
You seem to have a keen ability to "read" people well.
Being mis-understood is fine and you should certainly not feel obligated to apoligize to anyone for being Human.
Quote:

trendal said:With people who just won't make the effort to understand is where I have the most trouble



People who don't make an effort to understand are for lack of a better term TROUBLESOME IDIOTS.


Edited by California (04/27/05 06:51 PM)


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OnlinePeyoteZen
Save The Republic
Male User Gallery

Registered: 05/05/03
Posts: 16,744
Loc: America Again!
Last seen: 2 minutes, 58 seconds
Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: California]
    #4103093 - 04/27/05 04:45 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

From the Article:
"Have you ever sensed that there was some unusual force or presence close to you? What do you think caused this? Has it happened often?

Have you ever experienced the world around you looking different than it usually does? Can you describe what it was like? What do you think caused this to happen?

Do your eyes play tricks on you? For example, have you ever seen someone's face or body suddenly change in shape or form?"


hehe  :tongue:


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Offlinestefan
work in progress

Registered: 04/11/01
Posts: 8,932
Loc: The Netherlands
Last seen: 7 days, 17 hours
Re: Living Two Lives, and a message to my Friends [Re: trendal]
    #4105889 - 04/28/05 06:02 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

There's nothing wrong partly living in a fantasy world (hell, we all do to some degree) but just don't get 'stuck' there. Like someone above said: Living your authentic self is a courageous and exciting adventure.. I really agree with this, it can be hard and takes a lot of practice before you feel comfortable with it but it's worth it.

Sure not all people understand your thoughts etc, but it takes practice to communicate in a way so that people understand you. This isn't just something you learn in a day or two but it takes time. Sure people don't understand you when you live for a great deal in an imaginairy world that they aren't part of. When you get better at it you'll understand people better and know better how to explain yourself to them so that they'll understand you. Then you will be able to explain who you are to others too (to a certain degree, the other part they have to find out themselves), and not just to yourself. When you can show your real 'self' and succeed in it (after lots of practicing) you don't have to wear that mask anymore and that will save you a lot of energy.

Real life is much scarier because indeed there are unreliable people and things are unpredictable, but that's just the way it works. You just have to find your way through it and preferably without wearing a 'mask'. Wearing a mask seems the eaiest way at first but it will break you up eventually. Life is a difficult game to play and it takes a lot of time to find out how it works best for you and you can never be 100% in control. This finding out comes with both pain and pleasure and that's what makes it exiting, interesting and also scary.

I hope this makes any sense :rolleyes:

now start practicing! :wink:


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