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Amazon Shop for: Ultrasonic Humidifier

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Offlinericyjo
I'm a teapot

Registered: 07/22/02
Posts: 1,505
Loc: 30.249232, -97.749560
Last seen: 1 day, 11 hours
...
    #4087151 - 04/23/05 02:14 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Hermits have no peer pressure.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?


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Offlineemptywisdom
simple being oflight
 User Gallery

Registered: 03/29/05
Posts: 2,107
Loc: Lemuria
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
Re: ... [Re: ricyjo]
    #4087157 - 04/23/05 02:16 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

This shit is Steven Wright material, isnt it?


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OfflineNickSoapdish
Hypochondriac
Male

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 690
Last seen: 6 years, 2 months
Re: ... [Re: emptywisdom]
    #4087202 - 04/23/05 02:29 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

emptywisdom said:
This shit is Steven Wright material, isnt it?



hell yea it is


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Offlinericyjo
I'm a teapot

Registered: 07/22/02
Posts: 1,505
Loc: 30.249232, -97.749560
Last seen: 1 day, 11 hours
Re: ... [Re: NickSoapdish]
    #4087211 - 04/23/05 02:31 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

FUCK YEAH IT IS!!!


Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?



Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?



Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

On the other hand, you have different fingers...

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?


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OfflineNickSoapdish
Hypochondriac
Male

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 690
Last seen: 6 years, 2 months
Re: ... [Re: ricyjo]
    #4087215 - 04/23/05 02:33 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)



kinda looks like a sad clown without makeup


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Offlinericyjo
I'm a teapot

Registered: 07/22/02
Posts: 1,505
Loc: 30.249232, -97.749560
Last seen: 1 day, 11 hours
Re: ... [Re: NickSoapdish]
    #4087217 - 04/23/05 02:35 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

hes a genius


--------------------
"Re-examine all that you have been told...
dismiss that which insults your soul." -Walt Whitman


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InvisibleSkunk420
 User Gallery

Registered: 06/13/04
Posts: 18,524
Loc: inside
Re: ... [Re: ricyjo]
    #4087232 - 04/23/05 02:40 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

silly stuff..I like it...


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Offlineemptywisdom
simple being oflight
 User Gallery

Registered: 03/29/05
Posts: 2,107
Loc: Lemuria
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
Re: ... [Re: ricyjo]
    #4087238 - 04/23/05 02:44 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

genius is true. Did you see him in coffee and cigarettes?


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Offlinericyjo
I'm a teapot

Registered: 07/22/02
Posts: 1,505
Loc: 30.249232, -97.749560
Last seen: 1 day, 11 hours
Re: ... [Re: emptywisdom]
    #4087244 - 04/23/05 02:47 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

yes!

He was in the first scene..


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OfflineniCCa
BwaBwaHan
Registered: 07/30/04
Posts: 219
Loc: Earth temporarily
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
Re: ... [Re: ricyjo]
    #4090092 - 04/24/05 12:21 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

it's nice to read something like this


--------------------
Heaveno...CU CU CU CU CU in the Highway...Peace


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InvisibleRavus
Not an EggshellWalker
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Registered: 07/18/03
Posts: 7,991
Loc: Cave of the Patriarchs
Re: ... [Re: ricyjo]
    #4090116 - 04/24/05 12:29 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

"And get me some gravy! The turkey was drier than Steven Wright!"
-Stewie

His humor is so dry and unbelievably boring to me, but whatever makes you laugh I guess.


--------------------
So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.


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