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OfflinePhred
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Registered: 10/19/00
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Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell...
    #407781 - 09/28/01 08:11 PM (16 years, 22 days ago)

"We Expected Eternal Paradise For This", Say Suicide Bombers

JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS?The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.

"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.

"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.

"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."

Copyright 2001 The Onion Inc., all rights reserved




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InvisibleMokshaMan
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Registered: 03/13/01
Posts: 280
Re: Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell... [Re: Phred]
    #407894 - 09/28/01 11:15 PM (16 years, 22 days ago)

You have to love the Onion. They're great!



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Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness.
-- George Owell


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InvisibleInnvertigo
Vote Libertarian!!
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Registered: 02/09/01
Posts: 16,296
Loc: Crackerville, Michigan U...
Re: Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell... [Re: Phred]
    #408004 - 09/29/01 03:14 AM (16 years, 22 days ago)

you forgot about the red hot pokers in their pee hole.

Relax, Relax, Relax.....it's just a little pin prick * there'll be no more AARRGGHHH!!!! but you may feel a little sick.....


--------------------

America....FUCK YEAH!!!

Words of Wisdom: Individual Rights BEFORE Collective Rights

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." -- Thomas Jefferson


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OfflineEllis Dee
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Registered: 06/30/01
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Re: Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell... [Re: Innvertigo]
    #408054 - 09/29/01 05:36 AM (16 years, 22 days ago)

I don't think it's right to wish hell on anyone. Not even terrorists. I forgive them for what they did but I still believe they must recieve a reckoning for it. I hope that the suicide bombers are not in hell, I don't wish that on the worst sinner in the world. I for one forgive my transgressors and love my enemies. I hope that by some miracle they're spared from damnation, God's grace is miraculous and it's possible they're not in hell. And I pray they're not in hell.

You guys that wish eternal damnation on others should look in your hearts and think about why you wish such evil on others. I admit that I felt like revenge for a while but I worked it out and I forgive them.

Take care



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"If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do."-King Solomon

And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels,


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InvisibleInnvertigo
Vote Libertarian!!
Male

Registered: 02/09/01
Posts: 16,296
Loc: Crackerville, Michigan U...
Re: Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell... [Re: Ellis Dee]
    #408647 - 09/30/01 12:04 AM (16 years, 21 days ago)

some forgive...some don't...i hope they're suffering in hell

Relax, Relax, Relax.....it's just a little pin prick * there'll be no more AARRGGHHH!!!! but you may feel a little sick.....


--------------------

America....FUCK YEAH!!!

Words of Wisdom: Individual Rights BEFORE Collective Rights

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." -- Thomas Jefferson


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OfflineElPrimo
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Registered: 09/29/01
Posts: 92
Last seen: 15 years, 6 months
Re: Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell... [Re: Ellis Dee]
    #408744 - 09/30/01 01:25 AM (16 years, 21 days ago)

They hate us for what we've done. We hate them for what they've done... We'd all be better off if we worked to solve our problems instead of seeking revenge for those that have wronged us.. That is what the terrorists believed they were doing, isn't it?



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OfflineToTheSummit
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Registered: 08/23/99
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Re: Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell... [Re: Phred]
    #409403 - 09/30/01 07:26 PM (16 years, 20 days ago)

I do enjoy The Onion! :)

My thoughts on it? There is no hell....there is no heaven for that matter! But if it makes you feel better to believe in it then I don't care. I'm just glad those hijackers are all dead. They were the scum of the Earth and I am glad they are gone! And I would happily put a bullet in the head of anyone else who wants to purpuosly kill innocent people to "make a point". I have no tolerance for people who would willingly commit such cowardly and heinous acts against others (especially in the name of "God")!!


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two wrongs don't make a right...but three lefts do!


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You invented the wheel....You push the motherfucker!!


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Offlinepatzee
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Registered: 05/26/01
Posts: 233
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
Re: Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell... [Re: Phred]
    #409528 - 09/30/01 09:37 PM (16 years, 20 days ago)

another great post.! I'm still thinking about the Faith Based Missile article you posted.
I heard journalist Len shit.. can't think of his last name.. did a documentary on Taliban/"Welcome
to Afghanistan" over a
a year ago that is just getting appreciated by MSNBC and others.
Anyway his comment was something like you can try and try to understand "them" (terrorists and
haters of the "non believers" or 'kafirs') - you never will. His conclusion:They are the enemy.
It made it simple for a bleeding heart liberal like myself to understand.
Them being in hell was amusing and felt good to me I must confess.



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