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Registered: 11/09/01
Posts: 230
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
First time rolling.
    #4071878 - 04/19/05 10:52 AM (13 years, 1 month ago)

I don't know what to think.

That morning I had my first experience with surgery. I had my wisdom teeth removed - whilst awake. Hardcore freezing, Haliums[sp?], and nitrous oxide. Later that day I popped two Valiums, and took my Ibuprofen 600 and penicillin. I was warned by my relatives not to go out but I had the itch in me. I suppose pain killers and alcohol don?t mix well ~ sorry liver. We started at my sister?s house; I drank a stiff glass of crown mixed with coke. We wanted to get to the bar so I went into the kitchen and shot back 1/3 of a glass of crown. At the bar... umm...? A couple rye and cokes... a couple more shots of crown.

I was feeling good; I went up to this old hippy dude who proclaimed himself as the "Prof." He was sporting a long salt and pepper colored pony tail and beard. The Prof seemed quite insightful about the hippy generation and life in general as he had seen it come and go. We chatted for quite a long time, he told me lots of shit, most of which I can't remember - funny how that always fucking happens. I've got about 9 grand saved up and I'm itching for adventure. I'm unsure of which is a worthy adventure; I'm scared to go out of my comfort zone and interact with people. I'm afraid that I'll try to force an experience and just end up isolated in my truck or tent a long ways away from home with a hurting wallet and nothing to show for it but self degradation. He told me not to go; for which reason I do not remember but it seemed like bad advice. We talked about shit like what I wanted to do in life. I said I would like to grow marijuana as it is one of the only things I'm passionate about. I do realize that the occupation is not very... reasonable. He said to transfer my love for plants into an occupation such as owning a greenhouse. Doing so would have a much broader scope of knowledge on plant life and it's legal. I just don't fucking know anymore and this has very little to do with my story.

My sister, her boyfriend and a couple of my sister?s friends closed the bar with me. Everyone was ready to head home except my sister and I. So we went to an after hours club where we decided to roll for our first times. I approached several people and finally tracked down a couple pills. Very shady people and an ugly environment. Although I was wasted on a cocktail of intoxicants and I didn't give a fuck.

We waited at a table and watched the shitty atmosphere for about 25 minutes. I thought that the tabs were bunk as they looked much like Advil. I went around again asking for some more and someone told me to wait for another 15. We did and it hit us... from here on I don't really remember too much detail. A warm fuzzy feeling, love for everyone, a desire to express [speed], you know the drill. There was this older fellow [30] who was sitting at the table beside us alone. I usually approach these people as I feel they are excluded from the party and need some company. I chatted his ear off like a speed freak. I don't remember the details but I'm quite confident that I told him I had grown weed, worked up north and sold it the side. Now that I think of it the guy was fucking shady, very non communicative, not on E etc. Later on I hear he's a fucking narc with an earpiece... way to go me!

Other than that we met a wide variety of cool people. One was blind, one a bisexual who took my sister and I under her wing... very nurturing. We met a 27 year old female with a kid who gave us free pills and tried to get us into the experience. We would touch and I would feel something I've never really felt before. I tried to dance but I didn't feel it; maybe I would have if Neil Young was being played?

We closed the after hours club and all met up outside. The 27 year old didn't have a jacket so we all huddled together in a circle until our DJ buddy brought his car by. I held her in my coat... ecstasy. She was a petite girl, hugging me, and I giving her my warmth ? so sensual and giving? We ended up at this DJ's house... probably about 6 or 7 of us. Intense conversation for hours. I learned the 27 year old had a boyfriend so I didn't go there at all... in actuality I had remained tactful throughout the night. Maybe she just said that to get my googly eyed affection away from her; who knows. I met all kinds of exotic city kids, and we connected. I come from an adjoined city which is highly snobbish and remote in many ways. I've been isolated for 8 years; no real friends, never a serious girlfriend, I never attended high school much, lots of drugs, introspective nature. I?ve had several chances to lose my virginity, yet I shy away because of the sense of superficiality. Lately I've been so fucking alone though.

After we came down so did our moods. Everyone bailed eventually and my sister and I had a walk downtown in the sunlight discussing the events. She appeared to have had a great time but she said she would never do it again. I think it scared her opening up so much especially without her boyfriend; even though she had remained as faithful as possible on E. I think the speed scared her; the dirtiness of the pills. She?s in a different stage in life than I am; she just purchased a house with her soon to be husband and as I found out that night is ready for kids. Who knows?

I on the other hand never wanted to come down. Come down to my normal existence, my isolation. Alcohol, pot, mushrooms, anything I've tried I've never connected on such a sensual level. I need a girlfriend, somebody to share myself with. I'm lonely and bound by walls and preconceptions.

Now I see a good friend of mine who just came off a year and a half of crack and it scares me. I've always been into drugs... mostly mushrooms and pot. The idea of fucking around with pills and the scene that comes from such scares me though. Re-reading my post sure sounds like I have a proneness of dependancy. Dependancy on a drug to open up, and be social. I wish it weren't so; I wish I could be so open and natural sober. I feel guilty to have enjoyed it, I felt liberated, accepted. It doesn't matter who you are; I am me on E! My hair is past my shoulders and yet I've always been so scared to let it down. When I was in that club I let it free and it felt so liberating.

I don't want to be dependant on a drug to be social; yet I don't want to be alone anymore. I would almost prefer being used, or addicted to a drug in order to experience, to feel.

Does anyone understand where I'm coming from? Advice?

My life is fucking empty.

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Only Human
Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: First time rolling. [Re: ShroomNewb]
    #4072451 - 04/19/05 01:55 PM (13 years, 1 month ago)

For someone with such an empty life, you sure have a lot to say!

Man, I really wish I could offer some helpful advice, but taking the road less travelled is not going to be easy. You know where you want to be, drugs may take you there for a night... but in the end it is up to you to make it permenant.
You don't walk this path alone, believe!

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Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
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Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
Re: First time rolling. [Re: signoffate]
    #4072562 - 04/19/05 02:21 PM (13 years, 1 month ago)


signoffate said:
You know where you want to be, drugs may take you there for a night... but in the end it is up to you to make it permenant.
You don't walk this path alone, believe!

Well said, and I concur.

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Registered: 03/06/03
Posts: 1,043
Loc: miami, florida
Last seen: 9 years, 6 months
Re: First time rolling. [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4073158 - 04/19/05 04:53 PM (13 years, 1 month ago)

I usually have to struggle to sit through a long post, but I really felt this one, yes.

You don't sound dependent. Judging by what you wrote, you are clear-headed, and you just need to come out of your metaphorical cocoon.

I would say that it's better to be addicted to a drug, and to be given the chance to feel, than to be without that drug, and completed isolated from experiences and other people. Luckily that is not the case.

If you want to become social, without depending on drugs, then what you need to do is obvious. Become social, without using drugs. I'm not even telling you to stop doing drugs, although I think you can only benefit from never touching a drug ever again. But if you want to develop a social personality, you'll have to do it without drugs.

When your walking, and somebody walks by you, look at them and say hello. Smile. Even if you feel stupid doing it. I'm pretty sure if everybody stopped to think about how their smile felt, it would feel stupid. Because smiling isn't something you think about. It's something you feel and do.

It's the same with being social. I mean, you can think about it, but that's only going to get in the way. If you're going to think, think that you have nothing to do lose by being social. The only people who are going to take any form of offense are people with a much worse problem than you will ever have.

"I felt liberated, accepted. It doesn't matter who you are; I am me on E!"
Even when you are not on E, you are yourself. The people who accepted you would have accepted you if you were not on E. Given, they gave you some kind of special caring and attention because you were rolling, but unless they were shallow people, you are the same to them whether you are rolling or not.

"My hair is past my shoulders and yet I've always been so scared to let it down." Let your hair free my friend! What are you afraid of?

Go out and be social, there's nothing to it. Really. There is no step-by-step guide. You do it, you'll find your own ways to be comfortable as you get into it. But only by trying. You have nothing to lose.

If you're afraid to fall, you'll never stand! (damn, that's deep :-p)


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