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tales of theinexpressible

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 01/29/03
Posts: 8,670
Loc: Canoodia
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
Don't even know where to start....
    #4057787 - 04/15/05 07:39 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

this is turning out to be longer than I thought, sorry.

Theres so much I just get lost in my own confusion.....

Guess i'll start from the beginning.

*blank mind.....uhhhhh

I think I've had mental problems from an early age and they are surfacing out more and more.  When I was younger I always had the feeling something wasn't right.  I started thinkin I was an alien or everyone else was an alien.....because I couldn't make sense of what was going on.  Paranoia and anxiety was a party of my life back then too, but I was able to brush it off and dwell on it too deeply.  I think that when I act I subconciously act in fear of how I may be judged because I didn't want to feel like an outsider, so I put on a mask and carried on with life and never had  true self.....

Now that I think about it all through my life i've fed off and took advantage of the people I thought to be weaker than me, so that I felt stronger.  But, I realize now it's me who is weak.  I totally lack self-confidence, fear and axniety control my life, I;m just a scared little child trying to deal with the world, and the only way I can is to be by alone, and stay away from my emotions.  It's fucking brutal that I live like this, I really don't want to, but it's alost like I have to because of how my mind is working right now.  I would love to feel a real connection and true sense of belonging, but I don't think I ever will, because I hide mysefl away and haven't been able to break free. 

My day consists of forcing myself to go to some class that will prepare me for this GED test, and the whole tim i'm there I feel lots of anxiety and paranoia and judgment...I guess I'm trying to do somethings now in hope of a better life, though it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.  Then I come home play video games n watch movies, just anythign that will take my mind off things because when I start thinking most of the time I just end up depressed as fuck and feeling totally hopeless.

After I started smking pot regularly, around 3 years ago I found myself going out only when I was going to get high, not all the time, but more and more.  I don't smoke pot anymore though I'll get to that later.  I just don't get anythign out of being social anymore than fear, anxiety paranoia, and feeling alienated.  I feel almost retarded when I'm social now.  I can't really connect with anyone.  Maybe your thinkin I haven't found the right people, but I've hung out with lots of different \'types\' and still feel the same.  I feel as I'm not human almost.........I've tried to hang ut with people without using drugs and its boring as fuck and I'd rather be by myself because of the way it makes me feel.

I really started reflecting and thinking alot more after a mushroom trip about 2 years ago.....Guess i'll explain the trip.

dose - around 4g

Setting was alright when I first got to the guys house, just me another friend tripping, and a sober guy whos house it was.  Then somebody else came I felt a little uncomfortable then I began to think they were all playing tricks on me, then it just got worse and worse, more people came over some I knew some I didn't, but I was too afraid to leave and didn't know at that time that changing my setting entirely might have mellowed me out.  We were sitting around watching TV, the weather channel came up, and they were laughing saying how it was sweet music *sarcasm, but I thought it was directed at me in some way, because through my whole likfe something about the weather channel got my attention, guess I thought it was intresting in ways???  And also sometimes I'd leave it on in the background when I was on my computer,why I have no clue????  Then a hockey game came on, it seemed so fucking fake, the players, how plays happened and th fans, seemed almost computer made, if you will.  Then Much music came on and it just hit me, why the fuck are all these bands trying to be like bands were in the 70's like retro almost it seemed like such bs and it bugged me, so I mentioned it to everyone(they said nothing)  so then i proceeded to tell them how people growing their hair out to be cool like the 70's was fucking stupid, and I got the feeling some of them didn't like that, then I shut up.

Heres where it gets really strange, they put in CKY4.  It all seemed like a joke dirrected at me and it had some "gay" references that stuck out and everything began to spiral out of control.  I don't remmeber much of what happened after that.  heres what I remmeber: I thought everything and everyone was gay(all of existance), it didn't make sense.  I know I was couch locked the entire night collokin at my hand and what I would see around me, but not responding to anyone I think I had on a face of fear and pure awe.  When CKY was switching scenes I remember seeing a wierd language that I couldn't understand.  Seemed a little bit german(don't know if that ment anything) but the general atmsphere was a purple like colour.  I remember looking at one guy next to me and seeing my dads face but within his own face it wasn't actually my dad, and hearing somethign like I wish my dad was here.  btw when im piecing things togerth here I don't know which order they happened in...I remember seeing something of a circle and being around it connected and realizing I was some missing member and me jining was umm the key to happyness for all of exsitance or somethign like that and this was some pinicle moment in my life that was destined to happen and all around the room I began to see faces of everyone I have ever known in my life.  At one point I thought everyone there was trying to rape me and I think at one point I almost decided to just do fine you fuckers just get it over with :shocked:, but never did.

I think my mom called kuz other friends showed up at my house trying to find this place but I was in no condition to talk to her so somebody else said I was in the bathroom or something.  Turns out these otherpeople wrn't wanted over there for some reason.  Then y buddy who was also tripping looked at me and said do you know whats goin on, I just turned away in confusion.  I don't know if it was at this exact point or shortly after but I remmeber turning to the bay window at just the right moment to see my mom drive by(why should be driving by???there was no reason)  and that kinda snapped me out of my trance and I freaked out.  I think I started swearing at the people there and they tried to calm me down, but I was hell bent on getting the fuck out of there at tat point, last thing i sais was fuck you im leaving.  Then I walked home which was about 30 seconds away(I should have wallked around out side or something)

I got home stepped in the door closed it then my dad opened it I looked at him all confused and definatly looking fucked up(he knew didn't say anythign though)  My mom asked why I was home so early I said wasn't feeling good then she asked me if I was mixing anything because I was clearly out of my mind, I just said I drank some beers or something.  Then when I was walking to my room my mom asked me why those 2 friends got the shaft(i was thinking then wtf shaft, penis, all relating to what just happened) wtf was going on here, maybe what I did experience was real and my parents were a part of it.  Then I layed in bed and don't remmeber what I thought......

Ok so heres my reflection on it.  The whole gay thing was braught on by some scenes in CKY4 I think, but what made that happened was repressed memories of a couple moments in my child hood.  At a yojng age around 5 i loved playing "house" with girls and touching each other.  I also touched other boys when I was young too, fuck I don't care I was a little kid intrested in everythign that was life.  But I think later on I began to think what I did was wrong and gross and I think it really hurt me.  Though now I really don't care and it doesn't really bug me, but still makes me kind of uncomfortable.  When I heard " I wash my dad was here" during the trip maybe that ment I wish he was there to protect me or because I had issues of what my dad would think if he knew what I had done before, dunno?  I think I just got so fucking deep within myself and it was so intnse I was in denial about the entire experience.

After that I kept telling myself wtf im not gay no way im gay, then I lightened up and started to question it.  I think know I realize I have no desire to have a relationship with another man.  And that maybe im way more emotional then i let myself be and not so much as to say feminin, but maybe more so than others because of how my emotions are.  I realize now that all my life I've been atracted to anythign that fell under the catagory of "forbidden fruit", dunno why I just am.  So, I guess I was looking to answers for my sexual identity, looked at lots of porn, wasn't attracted so much sexual what most would consider wierd or perverted, but just the idea that I shouldn't be attracted to it  made me want to break the rules and see it.  But I really don't think I would enjoy those acts in real life, i'd be way to uncomfortable and I don't think I'd actually want to participate.  Maybe I'm some fucked up perv???  I don't really think I am, I've just been searching for answers everywhere, and those things just came up because they were all possabilities at this point.

And ever sinse that trip 2 years ago, I have nothing but problems dealing with the world around me.  Though I did somewhat when I was younger, it just began to REALLY stick out.  I know I have nothing to be anxious about( i still am very much, I know my paranoia about my life beign a big game, setup, whatever is most likely just me being delusion(still it controls me),  I tell myself I don't give a fuck what others think of me(still it picks away at my brain and drives me away from being social). 

I've just lost touch with everything.  It's hard to live in this world, whens theres a deep feeling tht somethigns going on behind your back, but you will never fully understand it)Even my own emotions seem fake when I'm dealing with people.  The only ones that seem real are sadness, feeling empty, just most things negative.  and thats because thats the way im living right now, the good emotions arn't fake, but right now they aree because I can't snap out whatever this reality has become.

One thing that really bugs me is I have a hard time speaking to people now, Sometimes I sbconciosuly change my voice to sound deeper or stronger and it just sounds ridiculas, and I know people notice and I can sense laughter, which just adds to my paranoia.I mean it so fucking frustrating when you can't communicate with others(because of not being able to think clearly, because so much is going on in my mind around others im just dumbfounded, and when I do manage to say somethign it's usually very unorigonal, pre programmed, and not actually thought almost and because when  do try and speak half the time people can't understand me because I speak too softly, mubmle, and am just lazy in my speach I think)

It feels like I've takin so much inside that my brain has shut down and I can't really function anymore, and when I do people find it funny.

I've tried xanax, worked great(only ended up abusing them and almost killing myself), tried a few types of anti depressents, they didn't change a thing, the highest dose of an anti-pychotic(forget with one, but it did nothing)  My parents told me they noticed differences in me while I was on some of these but I felt no different.  Talked to counslers, psychiatrists, still no help...even if they did have some useful words nothing sinks in and I don't put them to use.  Trying homeopathy right now, probably a placebo, but if it works, great....

I dunno I've been stuck here for what seems forever,  I've made some progress which lasts maybe a week at the most, but I always sink back to where I was before.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  Thought about ending mylife, but I don't because knowing that I might hurt ones who love me, and even after not being here I wouldn't want to give them any pain, also because a part of me still has hope for better days, and im probably too much of a pussy to actually go through with it.

I think im really fucked up and If i don't start to fix things i'm going to slip int somethign deeper like some mental disorder that once in i will never be able to get out.  But it just seems im out of ideas.....

I was thining tonite maybe it would be better for everyone if I commited myself to an institution, I know it would suck hardcore, but at least I wouldn't be a burden my family anymore.

thanks for reading my bs if you did


"What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?" - Bill Hicks

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Invisiblepoke smot!
floccinocci floofinator

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 5,235
Re: Don't even know where to start.... *DELETED* [Re: barfightlard]
    #4057919 - 04/15/05 09:25 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Post deleted by poke smot!

Reason for deletion: x

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The Minstrel in the Gallery

Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 95,368
Loc: underbelly
Re: Don't even know where to start.... [Re: poke smot!]
    #4057957 - 04/15/05 09:51 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Wow! So here's my two cents. There is nothing wrong with you in the sense that you are a fucked up person. Quite the opposite I would say. Your drug experiences, in an uncontrolled set and setting gave you a real view of the Matrix that the world and you are caught in. You were ill prepared for this experience. IMO mushrooms are powerful tools for spiritual growth and evolution and cannot safely be used in high doses for recreation without risking what happened to you.You have been trained in the matrix that some ways of being sexual or senual are wrong or evil, but in reality you want just to love, sexually and otherwise. The shrooms showed you how phony culture is and that you are trapped in it. Without a spiritual foundation, you are caught in your egoic fear patterns from the cultural matrix. You may think that somehow you need to fit back in to this system but now some part of you knows too much for that to be in anyway comfortable. Now you are at war within yourself.

This is sometimes called the dark night of the soul. You have brought this on but are not aware of it and so you are very freaked out. There is nothing wrong here if you can see that. You are beginning to learn. Life wants you to grow into the person you really are and you have to face the fact that you are not doing that. You aren't getting help from friends ect., because they are in the matrix and are scared of the things you bring up as you are being forced to confront all of this.

You are blessed, but it is up to you to grow and survive this. Have faith that you are good. Love yourself UNCONDITIONALLY, exactally the way you are now, with all of your problems. That is the most important step to your healing. :heart:

If this rings true. Use it. If not please disregard. :mushroom2:

"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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OTD Wall Builder
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Registered: 03/16/05
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Re: Don't even know where to start.... [Re: barfightlard]
    #4057970 - 04/15/05 10:02 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

dood, I cant relate to you on your sexual identity frustration, but I know EXACTLY , I mean it, exactly how you feel around people. In one of your paragraphs, you practicly defined me. I mumble, and sound deep ifront of people, and say unatural things. I can only be me if I become friends with somone, or Im on drugs or drunk. It really sucks man, I know how you feel. I am always really nervous when in public and think everyone is gonna laugh, but latley I been trying to convince myself that they really dont care, and that is probably true for the most part. The way I get through life, is music. Music is everything for me. I play guitar and its like I can express myself so well through it. I also listen to trance, and it makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. I think two important things in this life are love, and music. I cant find love because I have barley any social skills, probly cuz I went to all boys boarding highschool for four years, but at least I found music.

good luck man


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Agent Mulder
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Registered: 09/14/05
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Re: Don't even know where to start.... [Re: XUL]
    #5117856 - 12/29/05 06:06 AM (13 years, 1 month ago)

I think if we dredge up a lot of personal shit we have to face and go thru then it's probably not a good idea to try and face it alone. Lighter excursions on something less 'all consuming' with people you could talk to would be my idea of therapeutic self-exploration.

Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.

Edited by Booby (12/29/05 06:31 AM)

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One Man Show

Registered: 12/15/05
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Last seen: 11 years, 2 months
Re: Don't even know where to start.... [Re: Booby]
    #5119768 - 12/29/05 07:38 PM (13 years, 1 month ago)

Take the good things from what you live, because its not all bad if you think about it.This step in your life will help you for the future if you pass the exam with success.The bad things in life can only take you to the top.Everybody have Intelligence but not everybody use it.Intelligence is a combination of HEART and BRAIN, See what you live like this. life is a experiment full of experiences and the world is a big laboratory. The only thing to do is believe in yourself there's no other choice. The world ain't fair and its a fact, so set you some goals and don't think about what other peoples think, the only thing you must care about is your heart and your brain. The answer to life is : Accept it.


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Re: Don't even know where to start.... [Re: SimpleThoughts]
    #5130532 - 01/02/06 08:21 AM (13 years, 1 month ago)


SimpleThoughts said:
Take the good things from what you live, because its not all bad if you think about it.This step in your life will help you for the future if you pass the exam with success.The bad things in life can only take you to the top.Everybody have Intelligence but not everybody use it.Intelligence is a combination of HEART and BRAIN, See what you live like this. life is a experiment full of experiences and the world is a big laboratory. The only thing to do is believe in yourself there's no other choice. The world ain't fair and its a fact, so set you some goals and don't think about what other peoples think, the only thing you must care about is your heart and your brain. The answer to life is : Accept it.

Very good. I like that advise.

What an interesting read. I don't have much to say here, I just know I've questioned myself on some of those same thoughts.

Am I crazy?

No...I'm just a thinker.


IM me sometime bellylard.


The secret to being funny is to say smart things stupidly, or is it stupid things smartly? Whatever..it's not rocket surgery...or something like that.

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