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OfflineTurricaN
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Registered: 03/17/05
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Loc: Amersfoort, Netherlands
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Bad trip, tired and possessed
    #4033498 - 04/09/05 08:12 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

This was my third trip, and was easily both my worst and my best trip yet. Having discovered a mushroom shop in the town where I live (as opposed to going out 100km to Amsterdam to get them), I was excited to try it out. They sold four types of mushrooms; Philosephers Stones, Something? (forgot the name) Ecsatsy, Columbian and Equadorian. They did not sell the Copalandia Cyans that I had on my last trip, but the guy assured me that the Equadorian were just as good.

I bought the Equadorian, having my doubts, thinking that he was just trying telling me that they were strong to sell them to me. The fact that he was marketting a type of mushroom as an alternative to Ecstasy didn't help my suspicions either. I put a search in on the shroomery forum, which turned up nothing. But nevertheless, I was looking forward to the trip, even if it was only going to be light.

I ate the 30gm at 20:00. I had been up since 06:00 as I had been to work early in order to have more time afterwards at home to prepare for the trip. I do love my work and today had been particularly good. This had made me neglect the advice regarding not tripping after work, and the excitement of finding the new shop had made me excited and break my own promise that I would only trip, at most, once a month. It had only been two weeks since my last trip.

So I thought I'd go for a walk whilst they were taking effect. I left the house and walked down the street, and across the road, walking towards the town centre for about 5 minutes. I started feeling that it would be good to have my portable music player so I could listen to Jeff Waynes War of the Worlds. So back to my house to fetch it. I got there and found that navigating the menus on my iAudio M3 had become confusing (I only bought it a couple of days earlier, and it doesn't have the most intuitive user-interface even when sober), and it took me a while to find the right directory and turn shuffle mode off.

Eventually I managed it, and left the house again walking towards town. This was my first time I had tripped outside in public. The music sounded wonderful and eerie. The street and car lights looked so bright and the colours were so vivid. The evening sky had an almost deep blue-purple look to it against the dark gray clouds. Everything looked so bright and beautiful. Even the rain did not bother me at all. After about 10 minutes, I decided that I would go back. The idea of walking in the town centre no longer appealed to me. I eventually got to the main road and decided to walk in a quiet residential area, which was much nicer. I crossed the road, which seemed to be at least twice as wide as what it actually was, and then walked for what seemed like ages down a street that I hadn't walked down before. The white lights of the street guided the way.

Eventually the more intense effects started to take hold, such as the visual patterns (those that I had been doubting earlier) and I had to turn arond and go back before things got any worse. Experiencing ego-loss in the cold street at night wouldn't be much fun. I took trust in myself to get me home, and my legs began to carry me back. It seemed far shorter going back than it did going the other way. It's funny how such trivial things can scare a person in that state of mind, such as ones own shadow in a cars headlights, but it really startled for a second. On the positive side, I found it funny how obvious it must have been to anyone that I walked past that I was tripping.

Eventually I reached my home. I checked the time and an hour had passed since I ate the mushrooms. I put my iAudio player into its cradle and started the playlist on my laptop from the point where I had left it on the iAudio. I'm not sure why, but I just couldn't stand to listen to any more War of the Worlds, so I ended up skipping the tracks until I reached the more peaceful and quieter tracks that I had prepared.

I lay down on the sofa with pillows and quilt, took off my clothes and my glasses, and turned off the lights, but I couldn't get comfortable at all. Whereas my last trip I had been able to take full advantage of the experience, this time I felt the tiredness of my body holding me back. I ached all over, but tried to make the best of it. I'm not saying that I didn't experience anything incredible, since that was not the case. The mind fuck and CEV were even more intense than I'd had on my last trip, but I just felt that I wasn't able to fully appreciate it and take full advantage of it as my tiredness was holding me back.

The Blood soundtrack was now playing, and it seemed to be forcing me more to think about myself than to listen to and experience the music. Things were going a way that I didn't want them to go. I couldn't help but think about how I had gone into this trip unprepared and too early, and that I should have waited another three weeks before tripping again, and about how I hadn't prepared my playlist probably or enough food for the journey. All of my negative thoughts that I had not considered before my trip surfaced now in a most uncomfortable way. Those that I had thought about before my trip didn't even surface at all.

I had some incredible hallucinations, including a very famaliar one from my last trip in which I get a sense of the pure source of life. It's very difficult to explain, but it feels like it's inside the center of my body and connects me to everything else. It is a wonderful experience. The whole illusion of the hallucinations that were lead by the music took on a neon form, bright blues, purples and greens against an infinitely black backdrop, helped immensly by the glowing LED's and other devices in my room. But I was still feeling tired, as though I was telling myself that I should have just let myself sleep instead of eating mushrooms.

I'm not sure what happened next, but it absolutely terrified me. I decided to put my glasses in order to make the visuals clearer. I have very bad vision and have done since I was born, and so putting the glasses on made everything ultra sharp in comparison to what I had been looking at before. Everything became infinitely more beautiful and I began to think about how I how important my glasses were to me. I had stopped focusing on the visuals at some point as my mind had wandered. I thought about how I had been wearing glasses for as long as I can remember, and how they had grown with me (I know that doesn't really make sense, but it did at the time). I thought about how the glasses had become a part of me and my life and how they were connected to me. The visions were taking on the form of my glasses and not of my own eyes, it was as though I had merged with my glasses. I was absolutely fine with it until things suddenly changed in a flash.

I can't really put this into words, but it felt like my glasses had become more important than me, that they had possessed me. I was no longer myself. I was my glasses. This absolutely and utterly terrified me more than anything else in my whole life. My ego reacted involuntarily and quickly to save itself as it pulled the glasses from my face, separating me from my glasses. But I was left shaken and in fear. Luckily I still had sense not to throw them across to the other side of the room, and placed them away from me on my desk.

This just left me thinking how I had fucked up. I got so worried about how I may have irrepairably damaged my life. The recent conversations that I had had with friends regarding mushrooms came back to me in my mind. The question that they asked; "but aren't they dangerous?" repeated over in my head with my response "They're perfectly safe, it only affects your mind", and I couldn't stop thinking about how I might be doomed to live with an irrational fear of something that I absolutely relied on for almost everything in my life. I thought about how the mushrooms had kicked my ass for not giving it the respect that it deserved and now I would have to live with the consequensces and the damage I had caused. These thoughts plagued the majority of the remainder of my trip.

I tried to relax, but all of the time I felt so tired. It occured to me how funny it was that, despite the fact that tiredness is your bodies way of telling you to relax or sleep, that the relaxing effects of shrooms are the complete opposite, and whilst my mind was dragging me in one direction, my physical body was dragging me in the opposite direction.

I got up to go to the bathroom. I felt like I just wanted to collapse on the cold floor, like something was calling me to just give up and lay down to die, and I would've done just that had it not been for the most uncomfortable rough carpet of the room that I was in. But by the time I reached my room again where things were more comfortable, the feeling had passed and it felt like I had missed an opportunity.

I considered changing the music to something more lively and upbeat in an attempt to quickly shed my negative feelings, but decided that it would be better for me to live out the damage that I had caused. I was genuinely feeling sorry for myself, which is something that I've never felt before. I was almost in tears, with only my physical tiredness suspending me in a vast space between reality and what my mind wanted me to feel.

I lay on my bed for awhile listening to the music. The visual patterns eventually returned in all their beauty. The music played a beautiful soothing song, and for the first time I felt hope and about something positive. My mind had prepared this playlist with the song just for a situation like this, and I appreciated what little preparation I had done on going into this journey. It was most beautiful to think that my sober self cared for my well-being in such a way to have chosen music so wonderful to experience.

I checked the time on my phone. 23:13. It was difficult for me to figure out what this meant, as I had completely forgotten what time I had eaten the shrooms. But in any case, time was passing slowly. I thought for what seemed to last hours and checked the time again. 23:24. How long would this last? Would I ever be able to wear my glasses again without a constant fear that they would possess me? Would I start having flashbacks to the terrifying experience at work or in other social situations? The last thing I wanted was to need mental help and to be used as an example in those evil anti-drugs campaigns.

I lay there for a while and eventually the rational side of me began to take over, reassuring me that when I got back, I would be okay again. This went in waves of uncertainty and reassurance for quite a long time. For some reason I became fascinated with my tongue. It felt so weird and nice to touch with my fingers and it was good that it distracted me from my negative thoughts.

Eventually after a lot more music and visuals, all became well again. My tiredness slipped away and I was able to enjoy the remainder of the music. There was still some uncertainty in the back of my mind, and even by 01:30, it took some considerable courage to pick up my glasses again and put them on my face. And when I did, everything became so beautiful. The lights and detail became so clear on a level that I have never experienced before. My fear was gone. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw myself staring back, and I looked better than I had ever looked before, full of confidence and spirit, almost glowing. It was incredible.

By 02:00, I decided that I should eat, as I hadn't eaten all day. I cooked some fish and chips. Doing normal things seemed to help bring me back to reality. The trip lasted a good two hours longer than my previous trip. After eating, I was finally able to let my tiredness take over, and I slept better than I have slept in weeks.

So remember:

- Don't trip when you're tired.
- Don't trip after work, even if you like your work.
- Don't obsess with your mind about something that is clinging to your face!
- Don't trip until you are *really* ready to do so!
- Don't doubt the power of mushrooms!

I found out the hard way. I don't regret the trip, as it was plainly obvious in the duration of it that I needed a good kick in the backside, and have promised myself not to trip again until at least the last weekend of May. And this time, I'm sticking to it.


Edited by TurricaN (04/09/05 08:15 AM)


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Offlinealsey
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: TurricaN]
    #4033529 - 04/09/05 08:33 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

quite a trip!

i think the bad parts were a mindset thing. you went into it overly excited instead of calmly by the sounds of it. the glasses things sounds like a bit of ego-loss, and i guess losing yourself scared you.

i've tripped in a town before; it wasn't nice. just the sheer business of the town bugged me while i was tripping. me and my friend felt like raoul duke and doctor gonzo, walking around, everyone realising we were completely fucked. it got us quite paranoid. but you seemed to handle that ok. on big doses, its usually a good idea to stay away from the masses.

its good that you followed your thoughts through rather than fighting them. it sounds like you handled the trip very will, and learnt from it.

Quote:


My fear was gone. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw myself staring back, and I looked better than I had ever looked before, full of confidence and spirit, almost glowing. It was incredible.




classic psychedelic afterglow :thumbup:

as for the E mushrooms: some strains bring a particularly strong body high, which can feel a bit like E on the come-up, only less energetic. but to sell shrooms as an E alternative is retarded.


--------------------
"Gently return to the simple physical sensation of the breath. Then do it again, and again, and again. Somewhere in this process, you will come face-to-face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels." - ven. henepola gunaratana


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Offlinedr0mni
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: alsey]
    #4034251 - 04/09/05 02:39 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

"This was my third trip, and was easily both my worst and my best trip yet."

Yep, that is the nature of the trip. A little bit of heaven and a little bit of hell!

Don't worry man, the whole experiance will only change you for the better, and you see now that you DON'T have permanent damage and that you are perfectly fine. All of our fears in life are unfounded, and unreal.

Next time you will have the knowledge of what it's like to start going into a bad trip, and you will eventually learn how to get out of it, and/or turn the negative emotions into a positive change in your life.

Have fun and be safe!


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Invisiblemecreateme
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: dr0mni]
    #4034607 - 04/09/05 04:34 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

It is funny how trip three is often a very powerful one. Anyone else have a very powerful third trip?


--------------------
No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT.

You are everything's way of feeling itself.

Happy Schwag, everygodly!


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Offlinealsey
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: mecreateme]
    #4034659 - 04/09/05 04:51 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

for me its second trips. my strongest acid trip was my second, my strongest shroom trip was my second, my strongest salvia trip was my second, my strongest K trip was my second. wierd when you think about it.


--------------------
"Gently return to the simple physical sensation of the breath. Then do it again, and again, and again. Somewhere in this process, you will come face-to-face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels." - ven. henepola gunaratana


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Offlinegoomer
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: TurricaN]
    #4034730 - 04/09/05 05:23 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

ill be doing my third trip in a bout 3 hours . ill let you know, my second trip was boring, my first trip was amazing and weird


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Offlinegma
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: goomer]
    #4035528 - 04/09/05 10:55 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Nope nope... so far that first shroom trip is one of the most insane things to happen to me in my life.

edit- but it felt gratifying to finally lose control of reality again.. ( i was missing those first 20 toke sessions of my mary career)


Edited by gma (04/09/05 10:58 PM)


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OfflineBloodNOil
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: goomer]
    #4035711 - 04/10/05 12:07 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

goomer said:
my second trip was boring




Boring? Boring??

Were you overly anxious? Did you have better things to be doing?

Referring to a trip as "boring" suggests a fundamental problem in
your approach. Maybe you should learn to relax while sober. Lie
down and watch the clouds for a few hours, or watch the stars
come out. It's important to enjoy relaxing as much or more as it is
to enjoy activity.


--------------------
It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!


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Offlinegoomer
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: TurricaN]
    #4035904 - 04/10/05 01:32 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

i dunno it just didint excite as much as the first trip, might of been the mushrooms or my outlook on them that night. i did it again tonight , i ate twice as much as i ate my first time and didnt come close to tripping as good. ate about 5 stems and 3 caps.


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OfflineTurricaN
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Registered: 03/17/05
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: alsey]
    #4036579 - 04/10/05 10:28 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

alsey said:the glasses things sounds like a bit of ego-loss, and i guess losing yourself scared you.



Ego-loss, yes, I have no doubt about that.  I guess it could be incredibly amazing if you merge with, or become the right thing (e.g. the Earth, the universe, another person, etc) but an inaminate object?  It just reeked of pure insignificance.  I don't really know how to describe it, but it scared the shit out of me.  It was my first real ego-loss experience though.  I still look forward to a more enjoyable one. :smile:
Quote:

i've tripped in a town before; it wasn't nice. just the sheer business of the town bugged me while i was tripping. me and my friend felt like raoul duke and doctor gonzo, walking around, everyone realising we were completely fucked. it got us quite paranoid. but you seemed to handle that ok. on big doses, its usually a good idea to stay away from the masses.



I think that it depends on a lot of factors.  For me, it didn't really bother me that much because it's not illegal to trip on shrooms here in Holland, so I don't have to fear being caught or anything like that.  I'm generally not a very social type of person, however, I am the type of person who likes and strives to be different, so I guess that helped me too.  The worst part was just the amount of effort I had to put into doing simple things like walking and navigating my way around.  It's almost like I lose the concept of 360 degree rotation.


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Offlinealsey
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: TurricaN]
    #4036656 - 04/10/05 11:17 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

TurricaN said:
It's almost like I lose the concept of 360 degree rotation.




lol, yeah, i've had that feeling before :crazy2:


--------------------
"Gently return to the simple physical sensation of the breath. Then do it again, and again, and again. Somewhere in this process, you will come face-to-face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels." - ven. henepola gunaratana


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Invisiblemecreateme
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: BloodNOil]
    #4037147 - 04/10/05 02:50 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Cmon man, we can't always get it right.
There are so many ways to fuck up taking shrooms, it is ridiculous.
Bad set, bad setting, eat a meal beforehand, be disturbed, take too much, take not enough. Jeez, I could go on and on.

Also, the mushroom could choose to not show him anything. This has happened to me before. The trips are not usually boring, but it can happen. Can we say, "experience?" :wink:


--------------------
No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT.

You are everything's way of feeling itself.

Happy Schwag, everygodly!


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OfflineRoseM
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: TurricaN]
    #4037417 - 04/10/05 04:35 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

What happened to you is very simple, and has little to nothing to do with your glasses.

You did NOT experience Ego loss, but you had the chance to give in to it. Remember when you wanted to lie down and die? That was your chance. It looks like you missed your chance... you must submit to the trip. You must trust in the trip, to die and be reborn.

It is also called ego DEATH, and most people fear for their life before they finally cross over into ego death. The ego is egotistical, it WANTS to live. It wants to convince you that you will die without it. Only when you loose your ego for a while do you know better. You don't need an ego to survive.

When you freaked out about your glasses, you could have given in to the trip instead.

Perhaps you should trip with a sitter, or an experienced friend next time. You definately should read more about tripping, so you know what to expect. Look at the Essential Links in the Tripper's FAQ Wiki... the link is in my signature line.

Tim Leary says, "The eyes are the windows to your brain" what you see is what you think. You are what you think. In your case, glasses help you operate your brain.

The great thing is we all learn from our trips, and mistakes and missed oppertunities often don't repeat themselves. We learn to trip from making mistakes.


--------------------
Fiddlesticks.



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OfflineTurricaN
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: Rose]
    #4040689 - 04/11/05 12:57 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

I'm sure that I'm probably wrong about this, but aren't ego-loss and ego-death two different things?  I was under the impression that the former lead to the latter, ego-loss being the state where you lose some awareness of who / what / where you are (or a combinatian af these), and ego-death was were you lose awareness of everything?

Looking back, I'm not entirely sure that I missed a chance when I wanted to die, because there was no real fear holding me back then, and I wasn't really losing a great deal of awareness either, perhaps I missed it with the glasses though.  Ego-death is something that I have done a lot of reading on, and it's easy to say that you're ready for it and want to experience it when sober, but when you reach the verge of it for the first time, it's a whole different story.  I still want to experience it though, and hopefully now I will know better for next time.  I don't think any amount of reading can prepare your expectations for it.

Regarding a sitter, it would be a nice luxury, but I moved to another country, and barely even have any friends, let alone someone who has experience and is willing to be a trip sitter.

Quote:

The great thing is we all learn from our trips, and mistakes and missed oppertunities often don't repeat themselves. We learn to trip from making mistakes.



That doesn't sound so great to me.  It actually sounds depressing to bear the idea that I might not get another opportunity to experience ego-death. :frown:


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Invisiblemecreateme
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: TurricaN]
    #4041196 - 04/11/05 03:23 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

You will and yes, in my book , ego loss and ego death are two completely different things. It is not hard at all to get into the state where you don't remember who you are. Can't think of your face or your parents, or your dog, the things that are a part of your life. However, ego death is completely different. You stop being you and you start being YOU. YOU wake up and realize you are IT. Scary, exhilarating, amazing, paradoxical, the best and the worst thing you could ever hope for at the same time, that is ego death. And it is so simple to understand while in the experience, that we are all the same thing, yet even one hour out of it and we are back to thinking we are the person who is inside the shell of our skin. Everytime I start getting to this part, I remember all the times I have been here before and then the understanding unfolds and you become enlightened. You see that the sky, the grass, and all the wonderful things under the sun are all made of the exact same thing. You see the significance of how you are the world.


--------------------
No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT.

You are everything's way of feeling itself.

Happy Schwag, everygodly!


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OfflineRoseM
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: TurricaN]
    #4041348 - 04/11/05 04:16 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

TurricaN said:
Quote:

The great thing is we all learn from our trips, and mistakes and missed oppertunities often don't repeat themselves. We learn to trip from making mistakes.



That doesn't sound so great to me.  It actually sounds depressing to bear the idea that I might not get another opportunity to experience ego-death. :frown:




There is no good or bad, only thinking makes it so.

We learn to walk by making mistakes. We learn to fuck by making mistakes. We learn to live by making mistakes and we learn to trip by making mistakes. Mistakes aren't good, mistakes aren't bad, mistakes ARE mistakes. We learn from our mistakes.

You only missed your chance for ego death, for THAT trip. Next trip, anything's possible. Keep a positive attitude, you WILL get there.

Yes, ego loss and ego death are two different things (sorry if I confused the two), during ego loss, we are often, VERY egotistical. Sometimes, we are MORE egotistical than normal. The name's a bit misleading. As we loose our ego, the ego irrationally tries to cling to life, making you focus on unimportant things, to keep itself alive. Your glasses seemed to be your ego's last stand! It seems, your ego won the battle this time.

Once you finally break through, and discover what this ego loss/death thing REALLY is, you will have a MUCH EASIER time tripping in the future. You see, your ego will have less power over you. You will KNOW you don't need your ego to live... so it's vain attempts to cling to life will seem silly... just like your fear of your glasses may seem silly to you now.

Ego death is like an orgasm. If you don't reach it, all you have to do is try again. You will KNOW when you get there, and it will be like NOTHING you ever imagined.

If you haven't read this book, you really should give it a try.
ThePsychedelic Experience by Timothy Leary
A MUST READ! This link is gold, Timothy Leary's Psychedelic Experience ONLINE!!! Tim Leary was the guru of LSD, and he wrote many books. The Psychedelic Experience is the handbook for many trippers around the world.


--------------------
Fiddlesticks.



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OfflineMeThoD
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: TurricaN]
    #4047418 - 04/12/05 09:10 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

TurricaN said:
- Don't trip when you're tired.





True dat. Me and my buddies dropped at about 12:15 AM, and while I was bad tripping, my buddies were unable to lift themselves up from my couch.


--------------------
Every empty bowl must be filled, and a full bowl must always be emptied.


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OfflineTurricaN
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: MeThoD]
    #4049908 - 04/13/05 01:02 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Thanks for the advice Cervantes and mecreateme!

I've started reading Timothy Leary's The Pyschodelec Experience just over a week ago. Got through about a quarter of it. Looks very interesting! I'll try to read the rest this weekend if my laptop doesn't die before then.


Edited by TurricaN (04/13/05 01:05 PM)


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OfflineBloodNOil
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Registered: 10/09/03
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: TurricaN]
    #4050386 - 04/13/05 02:58 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

You would have an easier time if you bought a hard copy of The
Psychedelci Experience.

I paid about $12 for mine.


--------------------
It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!


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OfflineRoseM
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Registered: 09/24/03
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Re: Bad trip, tired and possessed [Re: BloodNOil]
    #4050678 - 04/13/05 03:50 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Yeah I prefer the book, I can't ever read the WHOLE online version, but hey, at least you CAN, and it is free.


--------------------
Fiddlesticks.



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