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Invisiblefearfect
Registered: 01/15/04
Posts: 1,845
im so lost
    #4027220 - 04/07/05 06:12 PM (12 years, 25 days ago)

i have tried caring. i have tried being nice; helping people with no selfish intent. i have given everything i have. i don't consider anything "mine"... whats mine is yours.. I don't think I expect much in return, but what I get is spit on and kicked in the face.

In the recent past a few particular things have led me to the edge. I have finally realized that there is no other human being on this planet who could really give a shit about me. Everyone wants something, and I don't have much left to give. I am coming so close... i feel as if the fuse has been lit.

I now realize that I have been trying to be too kind. I have been too nice for too long. I have been used, spent, and thrown away like filth. What I need is change. If I'm going to be forced into the game, I need to play it right. So from now on, if I see an opportunity to fuck someone over, I should take it. If there is some way for me to get something at the expense of someone else, there will be no second thoughts. If you need help, well fuck you because its MY time and I'm busy. I have found this to be the game of life.

reply, don't reply, delete, whatever. I just need to realize all this; that I am the only one out for me.


My blood is bruised and borrowed. you thieving bastards.
You have turned my blood cold and bitter,
Beat my compassion black and blue.


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OfflineShagshow
Sit on It

Registered: 12/23/04
Posts: 575
Last seen: 10 years, 9 months
Re: im so lost [Re: fearfect]
    #4027227 - 04/07/05 06:14 PM (12 years, 25 days ago)

I hope you can pick up a new attitude, and quick. Good luck with things man, sucks that such a disproportional amount of 'good people' exist in comparison to people who only care about number one.


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Offlinestarptv23
kindchicka420
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Registered: 10/10/04
Posts: 409
Loc: dancing in my head
Last seen: 11 years, 10 months
Re: im so lost [Re: Shagshow]
    #4027407 - 04/07/05 06:47 PM (12 years, 25 days ago)

man i feel you...at times i feel the same way...I know not all people are good for me but i try to help them anyways...I usually get screwed in the end...NOT ALL THE TIME THOUGH...don't lose you faith in yourself...everything happens for a reason..even the bad things..even the crappy people you met have an effect on your life..don't lose hope or go to the level that those people hurt you , have done..things will turn around....hurting people only hurts you in the end..things will keep on the right path for you, just keep your head up and don't let people bring you down to there crappy life or energy...hugs and positive vibes...


--------------------
"Six words: drop out, turn on, then come back and tune it in -and then drop out again, and turn on, and tune it back in-it's a rhythm- most of us think God made this universe in nature-subject object-predicate sentences-turn on, tune in, drop out- period, end of paragraph. Turn the page- it's all a rhythm- it's all a beat. You turn on, you find it inside, and then you have to come back (since you can't stay high all the time) and you have to build a better model. But don't get caught - don't get hooked - don't get attracted by the thing you're building, cause... you gotta drop out again. It's a cycle. Turn on, tune in, drop out. Keep it going, keep it going- the nervous system works that way. gotta keep it flowing- keep it flowing.


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Offlinesignoffate
Only Human
Registered: 02/22/05
Posts: 161
Loc: Where is here?
Last seen: 10 years, 2 months
Re:so lost [Re: fearfect]
    #4027566 - 04/07/05 07:19 PM (12 years, 25 days ago)

If you keep offering yourself to everyone, whats left for you in the end? Don't expect anything overt to come your way, just start noticing the beauty that already surrounds you... it will give you strength! But you need to acknowlege it first. Don't ignore anything!
I don't care if you read this or understand it, I just hope that when your fuse runs out no one gets hurt, got it?


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,373
Loc: In the jungle
Re:so lost [Re: fearfect]
    #4027633 - 04/07/05 07:32 PM (12 years, 25 days ago)

I've learned that if you sacrifice yourself to make others happy, you'll just end up hurting in the end. 

Being kind to others is wonderful, but don't do it at the expense of youself.  Sometimes, you have to look out for YOU first and foremost in this life.  I am the type of person who is compulsively kind to people.  I give a lot of myself to whatever relationship I am in, and this can cause problems.  I have spent hundreds of dollars on other people who I thought were my friends, but they ended up taking advantage of the kindness I had shown them. 

There are few people in this world you can trust.

It's a hard lesson. 

Don't give up on humanity yet, man.  :heart: When people take advantage of another person they unintentionally harm themselves as well.


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OfflineJROS14
Protege
Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 74
Loc: SF, CA
Last seen: 12 years, 13 days
Re:so lost [Re: MOTH]
    #4028624 - 04/07/05 11:17 PM (12 years, 25 days ago)

don't fuck over everyone you see... then you're just stooping to the same level as the people who were dicks to you. Yes, a lot of people are assholes but there are some out there who, after you're nice to them, will return the favor instead of screwing you over.

also keep in mind that being generous and caring is great, but you can't do it TOO much or you might come off as desperate. sad but true. u can't be super nice to chicks and compliment them all the time and do everything for them trying to be a "nice guy" and expect to date them!!

the only way you will keep people from screwing you over is by showing them they CANT.


--------------------
**GRoUP HUG**


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InvisibleDark_Star
jizzing skull penis
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 29,244
Loc: Kratmandu
Re: im so lost [Re: fearfect]
    #4028905 - 04/08/05 12:16 AM (12 years, 25 days ago)

Fuck, I wrote a long, and I feel very helpful post here and it vanished.....I'll give a quick version; People like you are very rare, and are shining lights in this world....don't give in to the games, don't start fucking with people, don't stop caring.....if people fuck you over that's their bad karma...your karma is very, very good due to your generousity, selflessness and kindness...don't tarnish it or yourself because some people take advantadge of you. Also, many people do care about you.....maybe you just don't see it....and even if everyone you know in RL is an asshole, WE care, WE give a shit.

I know where you're coming from.....the first part of your post describes me so closely it gave me chills when I read it...people like us ride these rollercoasters for life, from good to bad and back again. The only real difference I can see is the way we handle it...you're giving up and playing the game, feeling bitter....I go inside myself and use lots of heroin, Oxycontin, and any other opiate or hard drug to kill the pain, forget about the bullshit, be happy, content, feeling great, not a care in the world, no desires, etc....I escape, hide behind the walls I build, numb to the world, perfectly happy in my own world. The way you plan on dealing with it isn't a good way....neither is mine, I have a lot of demons to fight, and it sounds like you do too.

Just hear this; fuck everyone who spits on you, kicks you, etc,...that's their problem, their loss.....the world needs more people like you, not less. Don't think about the ungratefulness, think about all of the people you've helped, all the lives that you've made a difference in. Keep on doing what you're doing, keep on being kind, generous, helpful and selfless....don't fall down to the level of the apathetic. One more thing, if you feel that no gives a shit about you...I can assure you that I do, you're a beautiful person, a gift to this world.......NEVER forget that.  :heart: :sun:


--------------------


Edited by Dark_Star (04/08/05 01:11 AM)


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Offlinebarfightlard
tales of theinexpressible
Male

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 01/29/03
Posts: 8,670
Loc: Canoodia
Last seen: 7 years, 4 months
Re: im so lost [Re: fearfect]
    #4029048 - 04/08/05 12:58 AM (12 years, 25 days ago)

Hmmmmm. I can imagine what your going through is aweful....Well, know that there are people out there who will get something out of your kindness and giving, though you probably won't run into many. Don't let that hold you back from trying to help people. If people don't want your help or whatever then don't worry about it, you can't expect everyone to take in your energy like that....

Ok, it's fine to think you are the only one out for you, but sometime somebody else might try to be there for you. So, don't get deffensive or block them, or you would just be the same as the people who have "thrown you away like filth".

I don't know what to tell you man. You obviously like helping people and just because some don't appreciate it or want it doesn't mean you should stop, because one in awhile you will run into those who actually do.


don't give up


--------------------

"What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?" - Bill Hicks


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InvisibleLe_Canard
Slightly Nutty

Registered: 05/17/03
Posts: 93,967
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: im so lost [Re: fearfect]
    #4029075 - 04/08/05 01:08 AM (12 years, 25 days ago)

No man, don't change. You DON'T want to become one of those you hate. I do know how you feel - I've neen dumped on more than once myself. This world needs more caring compassion people. People can be utter turds, and one can grow bitter about it or one can learn to exercise a little caution. Pay heed to the words of "The Desiderata";

"Be cautious in your ... affairs,
for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass."


I hope this helps you somewhat. Best wishes to you, my friend....


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Offlinedr0mni
My Own Messiah
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Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 2,921
Loc: USF Tampa, Fl
Last seen: 9 years, 10 months
Re: im so lost [Re: Le_Canard]
    #4029142 - 04/08/05 01:23 AM (12 years, 25 days ago)

Dude, don't worry, we all get lost at times, but keep walking and you'll realize that you've been on the path the whole time.

The innocent will suffer in this world, but they are blessed in their tears. They gain wisdom, sympathy, and compassion. Don't give into the temptation of revenge and anger, or else you might put another innocent person in the same postion you find yourself.

Challenge the negativity with positivity. Keep shining and you will realize that there are many people who DO care about you and would never hurt you on purpose. As long as you stay a positive person with pure intentions you will eventually attract others just like you.


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,373
Loc: In the jungle
Re: im so lost [Re: dr0mni]
    #4029337 - 04/08/05 02:51 AM (12 years, 25 days ago)

Quote:

dr0mni said:
Dude, don't worry, we all get lost at times, but keep walking and you'll realize that you've been on the path the whole time.




:thumbup: :thumbup: :heart:


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OfflineMobius_Strip
Distant Relative
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Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 322
Loc: Spangladesh
Last seen: 10 years, 9 months
Re: im so lost [Re: MOTH]
    #4029389 - 04/08/05 03:23 AM (12 years, 25 days ago)

You don't have to change. You need to learn who to give to and when it's appropriate to give. Eventually you'll learn to discern who is worthy and who is a witless fuck and unworthy of your most nasty bowel movement. It's a painful cycle but it takes time and enduring a lot of pain. The rewards are that your relationships will be stronger and richer. Take care of yourself when noone else will. This is ultimately your responsibillity.


--------------------
The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum - even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that there's free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate
-Noam Chomsky


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Offlineegghead1
Nakedly Open

Registered: 03/02/05
Posts: 931
Loc: The Womb of Love
Last seen: 11 years, 9 months
Re: im so lost [Re: fearfect]
    #4029581 - 04/08/05 06:08 AM (12 years, 24 days ago)

Dont give in to hatred, but at the same time do'nt continue to be a human dorrmat. Your obviously by nature a very kind and compassionate person, thats ok, nothing wrong with that, but you got to take care of number 1 first, then you can take care of 2,3,4,5,6,7 and so on. You need to start being more kind and compasisonate to yourself first becuase unless you are being to good and looking after number 1, number 2,3,4,5,6,7, will just use you, take from you, and spit you out becuase you lack stability and confidence. You need to be selfish before you can be selfless, you need to be more aware of number 1. Being selfish doesnt mean fucking over other for your own ends, it means looking after yourself first and foremost, then when you are truly sorted, confident and stable within yourself, then you'll know best how and when to help others.

Peace.


--------------------
All you need is Love! Really thats it! Infinite Unconditional Love! Just develop that and all else will fall into place perfectly!


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OfflineJCoke
dream observer
Male

Registered: 02/17/04
Posts: 1,229
Loc: maryland Flag
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: im so lost [Re: egghead1]
    #4030222 - 04/08/05 11:58 AM (12 years, 24 days ago)

fearfect, you should never trust the world to repay you for your kindness and hardwork and sacrifices, a sacrifice is no longer a sacrifice once you expect something in return, just as an offering is longer an offering once you expect to be repaid for it.

here's a story swami rama taught:

There was once a swami who used to
teach students every day.
One of the students listened attentively
and heard the swami speaking about vairagya,
the philosophy of non-attachment,
and the student took off for a forest dwelling
and there, he was enlightened.

After dwelling there for twelve years,
he wondered what had happened
and what had been the fate of his friends,
with whom he used to learn.

So he returned to that place, and
everyone was still sitting there exactly like before,
and the swami was still lecturing.
What a waste of time!

The point is that
you don?t need much external information;
you already have true knowledge within.
You need to learn how to
apply the knowledge that you have.

You are taught:
?Be good, be nice, be gentle, be loving.?
You have all been taught that,
but you should learn
to practice, understand,
and to apply that knowledge to yourself.

You need to understand how you function,
and the process that results in your actions.

?Swami Rama

being kind and loving and sacrificing your life for others is'nt something you do to benefit yourself, the point of kindness, love and sacrificing your pleasures for others should be for there benefit, not yours, imo, only after you found peace, love and understanding within yourself, than you can share it with others, and than I see the possibility of you becoming satisfied with your sacrifice and offering to the world, if being loving and kind to other's did'nt make you happy, than fucking them over wont either, look to yourself to find happiness in your life, not to others, and that means don't expect others to make you happy, and don't expect your actions on others to make you happy either.


--------------------
hello, your name is life on earth
------------------------------------

"I traveled a long way seeking God, but when I finally gave up and turned back, there He was, within me! O Lalli! Now why do you wander like a beggar? Make some effort, and He will grant you a vision of Himself in the form of bliss in your heart." -the saint of the Kashmir Shaivism tradition: Lalli.


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
Being.
Male User Gallery

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 10 months, 16 days
Re: im so lost [Re: fearfect]
    #4031033 - 04/08/05 04:02 PM (12 years, 24 days ago)

Quote:

JCoke said:look to yourself to find happiness in your life, not to others, and that means don't expect others to make you happy, and don't expect your actions on others to make you happy either.




Fear: I've been where you are... and I think JCoke hit it on the head. By expecting happiness, appreciation, and gratitude in return for your good deeds, you're essentially expecting others to fulfill your needs.

Instead, you must learn to fulfill these needs yourself. You must realize that you're capable of being your own source of happiness, (self)appreciation, and gratitude.

Once you've done this, it will no longer matter whether or not you're getting something tangible out of your good deeds... because what you get out of it will be exactly what you put in: the joy of performing a selfless act without the belief that you're owed something for it.

--

Several years ago, I approached my father for advice regarding my friends. I told him I felt like they all used me.. that I was unendingly kind and selfless to them, but they just sucked up my positivity and never returned any.

The advice he gave me was essentially this: Without a solid connection to the inner source of love ("God", "Self", "Source", or what have you depending on the semantic side of one's beliefs...) how can we expect to feel fulfilled after we expel all of our love upon others?

Until we learn to tap into this inner source of love, we have limited resources. If we spend all of those resources on others, we feel empty... we feel as if we have defeated ourselves in the process. "This was supposed to make me happy, but now I feel even worse."

When one is connected to this source, it's easy to be empathic and selfless... because there is no need for expectation of a "return favor" (a favor is essentially an act of kindness, an act of love) when we are already connected to the unlimited source of love.

Further, when one is connected to the source and performs selfless acts, this outpouring of love essentially "encourages" opening of the flood gates, so to speak... so when one connected to the unlimited source of love acts selflessly, it actually encourages more love to flow into them and through them.

--

The biggest mistake is to believe you are the source of the love you give.. you are not. It's not "your" love.. it's just love. It was given to you, whether by other humans or from this inner source... and you give it in turn.

Or to put it simply: before you can effectively love others without this happening, you must first learn to love yourself.

Just my 3 cents.


Edited by JacquesCousteau (04/08/05 04:15 PM)


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InvisiblePsychoactive1984
PositiveCynicist
Male
Registered: 02/06/05
Posts: 3,546
Loc: California, Monterey Coun...
Re: im so lost [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4031353 - 04/08/05 05:23 PM (12 years, 24 days ago)

Look at all the replies... we ain't getting paid to do this :tongue:

We have no ulterior motives (I can speak for myself anyhow) as to why we'd even bother to respond.

People do care  :thumbup:.

:shrug: I tend to associate with assholes just for the fact of how they treat other people... afterwards, look toyourself, and realize that you have a better stance on the situation for not having a need to prove yourself.

Just because the world's a bitch, doesn't mean you need to be an asshole... although at times, it feels damn good to be one :lol:.

Goodluck anyhow, I suggest taking a short little sabatical, pack a bag with some food and supplies for a few days, go out into the middle of fucking nowhere and wonder around. It'll help clear your mind.


--------------------
"Their is one overriding question that concerns us all: How can we get out of the fatal groove we are in, the one that is leading towards the brink?" Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
"We may not be capable of eradicating the corruption of reason, but we must nevertheless counter it at every instance and with every means." Dan Agin
"Politics is the best religion and politicians are the worst followers."
-It's ok to trip as long as you don't fall.
-Substance over Style.
-Common sense is uncommon.


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
Being.
Male User Gallery

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 10 months, 16 days
Re: im so lost [Re: Psychoactive1984]
    #4031496 - 04/08/05 05:55 PM (12 years, 24 days ago)

Quote:

Psychoactive1984 said:
Look at all the replies... we ain't getting paid to do this :tongue:

We have no ulterior motives (I can speak for myself anyhow) as to why we'd even bother to respond.

People do care  :thumbup:.





EXCELLENT point as well. :smile:


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Invisiblefearfect
Registered: 01/15/04
Posts: 1,845
Re: im so lost [Re: JCoke]
    #4032343 - 04/08/05 09:57 PM (12 years, 24 days ago)

i never said i expected nothing in return. there is a psychological effect going on here. if you do thing A and B keeps happening as a consequence, you will stop doing A.


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OfflineJCoke
dream observer
Male

Registered: 02/17/04
Posts: 1,229
Loc: maryland Flag
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: im so lost [Re: fearfect]
    #4032621 - 04/08/05 11:41 PM (12 years, 24 days ago)

Quote:

fearfect said:
i never said i expected nothing in return. there is a psychological effect going on here. if you do thing A and B keeps happening as a consequence, you will stop doing A.




but you now are going to switch to doing thing B, since thing A did'nt work you said, it still wont make you happy, neither will thing c, d, e, f, or g, you got to find happiness in yourself,,doing "thing A", should be a completely selfless deed to others, expect nothing in return, or at the most, expect to be tortured for it, it should be a sacrafice for others, an offering to mankind, to be an influence and an example, to be the change you want to see in the world, it has nothing to do with your happiness, it's gift you share, and you can't share what you don't have, or else it will just leave you empty.


--------------------
hello, your name is life on earth
------------------------------------

"I traveled a long way seeking God, but when I finally gave up and turned back, there He was, within me! O Lalli! Now why do you wander like a beggar? Make some effort, and He will grant you a vision of Himself in the form of bliss in your heart." -the saint of the Kashmir Shaivism tradition: Lalli.


Edited by JCoke (04/08/05 11:43 PM)


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Offlinedr0mni
My Own Messiah
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Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 2,921
Loc: USF Tampa, Fl
Last seen: 9 years, 10 months
Re: im so lost [Re: JCoke]
    #4032757 - 04/09/05 12:33 AM (12 years, 24 days ago)

It is hard to resist classical conditioning. If you get shit on for being kind, of course you are going to associate the two. But the fact is that you will get shit on no matter what.

Just try to cultivate confidence, and you will be able to brush the assholes off without a problem.

I used to be a little bitch, and would give into everyone. It wasn't until I had a psychotic girlfriend who tried to completely destroy who I was and rebuild me in her own image that I realized how much I liked myself. After I broke up with her I learned to love myself more, and refuse to be taken advantage of by people who don't appreciate my efforts.

Sometimes you just have to hit bottom before you can start to rise above.


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