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Invisibletak
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My girlfriend and I...what do i do???
    #3912011 - 03/13/05 05:12 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Hi.
I have been going out with my girlfriend for 15 months now. I stay with her at her house, with her mother. Her mom is cool with it, and its pretty much because she always wants me there, and I love 30 mins away...so its easier this way.

We get along good, but in recent days, I have grown a little distant from her. I feel really caught between 2 sides. She is wonderful, she loves me for who I am...or atleast most of who I am...what I show her. I dont really hide much, but there is always a little bit of a show going on. We are both really comfortable with eachother, but feelings get hurt very easily.

We are planning on moving out together this summer, to another town. She will be attending college full time, and I will be working full time. We both have mutual money in a shared account saved up, and are working towards this move a little.

I dont think I could ever brake up with her, because it would completely ruin her, putting her into a spell of depression...probably ruining her college years...effecting the rest of her life. I love her, and she means everything to me, but I dunno. It kind of feels like things have somehow lost their magic, but not in a bad way.

I just wish I had a little more me-time. I work all day, and sometimes want to spend the night on my computer relaxing. This isnt too extreme, and sometimes happens. But she is the type who is very clingy, and gets sad when I dont pay attention to her, and goes out of her way to show me that she is sad, making me feel bad.

I dont have many friends where we live now, but I am a bit tired of hanging out with only 1 person non-stop. I really would like to make new friends when I move, but not feel restricted by her. I also would like to be able to go out of town for a weekend, maybe to a gathering and not have to LIE to her. She would never let me go somewhere to have fun without her, only if I told her family was dying could i get away. And these are things I couldnt do with her, because they just arnt those types of things..you know.

I guess what it really brakes down to is that I had to answer my mom & dad growing up. I had to answer to the teachers at school. At work I have to answer to the boss, and on the way home in my car I have to answer to pissed off cops. When I get home, I do not want to have to answer to anyone. I have grown up, and I am a free individual, and I love this girl but would love freedom too.

I feel like I am married, and I am only 20 years old. Part of my wants to go back to how it was before, party my ass off, not have to worry about being broke because I can manage MY money, as she spends it.

But another part of me knows that this girl truely loves me, and we get along great.

She also has very sensetive feelings, and I dont think I could flat out tell her whats up without her feeling as though I have been pondering this stuff for a while, and that I dislike her.

But I have to live life the way I want. I only get once chance.

I am really really really stuck. I need someones help.


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The DJ's took pills to stay awake and play for seven days.


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OfflineStonedShroom
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: tak]
    #3912034 - 03/13/05 05:16 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

this is actually very common

doesn't she have girl friends? the most common answer to this is having like 'boys night' or 'girls night'... maybe she can have girls night with her friends and you can sit in your recliner and not worry about her nagging at you.

that way both are happy.


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We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience.

We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.



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Invisibletak
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: StonedShroom]
    #3912117 - 03/13/05 05:38 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Thats what I am hoping man. I wanna have this change happen as easily as possible, and like you suggested, benefitting her too. She is now starting ot be a little more social, and I am trying to encourage that, especially the going out without me part. When we move, I really hope that she gets friends and starts having a social life. It would benefit both of us wonderfully.

If not, I think the only way to let her know is me telling her that i am going out, and if/when she gets sad, I will let her know that I need to do things of my own every once in a while. That way it will be more of an isolated event, and not me blasting her with it out of no where.

man does this petty BS have me stressed.


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Invisibleniteowl
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: tak]
    #3915855 - 03/14/05 12:51 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Talk...Talk...Talk



That is the best way to fix any relationship.



Communication



You have to tell her how you feel. If you cant freely talk to her about your feelings.......your going to have some very unhappy times ahead.  :frown:



I have been married for 14 years and the one thing you can do to improve your relationship is to tell the truth about how you feel...even if it may make her sad.....she will get over it.....and thank you for being honest with her.


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Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future


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Offlinestarptv23
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: niteowl]
    #3915964 - 03/14/05 01:17 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

it sounds like to me that you love her very much...but you do need to live your life also cus if your not happy how can you make anyone else...it sounds like she is co-depended ...she needs to find herself cus if she is only happy when someone is around that is bad she needs to love being with her self also... it sounds like you are kind of staying with her cus you dont want to hurt her feelings..witch is not a very good thing but a nice thing...i think you need to talk to her about how you feel and you need sometime to find you and her find her self ..you are very young and i know things are going to change allot in a few years...so if things are meant to be they will work out...just sit her down and let her know what you told us...good luck stay strong for your self...hugssssssssss...you are a kind brother :sun:


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"Six words: drop out, turn on, then come back and tune it in -and then drop out again, and turn on, and tune it back in-it's a rhythm- most of us think God made this universe in nature-subject object-predicate sentences-turn on, tune in, drop out- period, end of paragraph. Turn the page- it's all a rhythm- it's all a beat. You turn on, you find it inside, and then you have to come back (since you can't stay high all the time) and you have to build a better model. But don't get caught - don't get hooked - don't get attracted by the thing you're building, cause... you gotta drop out again. It's a cycle. Turn on, tune in, drop out. Keep it going, keep it going- the nervous system works that way. gotta keep it flowing- keep it flowing.


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InvisibleYidakiMan
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: tak]
    #3916671 - 03/14/05 04:31 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

root-ninja-tak said:
ruining her college years...effecting the rest of her life.



Thats the biggest lie told to everyone these days. if you don't go to college, you'll be a loser and the scum of the Earth. Bullshit.


Quote:


She would never let me go somewhere to have fun without her, only if I told her family was dying could i get away.




She's only going to get worse if you don't put a stop to it.

Quote:


not have to worry about being broke because I can manage MY money, as she spends it.



Most marriages fail for this reason. I suggest you stop it before it becomes another failed marriage. Divorce is only so expensive because it is worth it.

Quote:


But another part of me knows that this girl truely loves me, and we get along great.



Then all the other problems are fixable.

Quote:


She also has very sensetive feelings, and I dont think I could flat out tell her whats up without her feeling as though I have been pondering this stuff for a while, and that I dislike her.




If you tell her and she flips or doesn't want to talk then youve got a big problem. Suggest a mediator, a relationship counselour. If she is more than just sensitive but instead a sufferer of depression then a psychologist maybe needed (not drugs). If that doesn't work, you may want to consider how much more of your life you want to spend with this woman. It isn't going to get any easier.


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Invisibletak
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: YidakiMan]
    #3917130 - 03/14/05 06:22 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I didnt go to college, and I think I am doing decent. What I meant was that she is in her years right now that she becomes who she is going to be. I do not want to start her off on the wrong foot...so i don't want to do anything that can be hazardous to her. I am alot stronger than her, and I can take these compromises.

I do agree that I need to get it out in the open, but timing is probably my biggest issue, and coming off the right way...you know. I dont want to come off too strong, or out of the blue.

Oh well, its not a big deal...just my life ;p
I am pretty sure I could resolve the problem if I wanted to, but I am a sucker.

Thanks for all the help, ill let you know how it goes when i find the prime time to establish these new found rules ;]


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OfflineGomp
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: tak]
    #3917466 - 03/14/05 07:23 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

wow. i relate to this. since i dumped my x, i haven't even gotten close to a girl.. i guess i like you are afraid of hurting the girl.. I'm rambling sorry for this, (is still got the urge to post this)


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OfflineEarthAngel
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: Gomp]
    #3917973 - 03/14/05 10:40 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Coming from a girls point of view, this is my biggest fear of my boyfriend starting to feel like this, as my last one decided he needed the freedom after 3 years in a relationship. What im tryna say is if you dont communicate with her, these feelings will not go away, but only get worse until you start to not even want to come home to her.The hardest thing a girl could ever here is that, her true love , no longer feels the same :frown:
Start going out of your way to make a change, by finding things you can both do together to have fun!Break the routine.
Fix it now because its alot harder the longer you go.
If you are ment to be, then it will all work out :smile:
If not, its all ready predetermined so there is a reason behind it all:)


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Invisibletak
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: Gomp]
    #3919690 - 03/15/05 05:42 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

We do go out and have fun together, all the time. I just want to have fun with other people some times.


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The DJ's took pills to stay awake and play for seven days.


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: tak]
    #3919933 - 03/15/05 08:43 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

root-ninja-tak said:
Oh well, its not a big deal...just my life ;p
I am pretty sure I could resolve the problem if I wanted to, but I am a sucker.




Been there, done that... come see me in a year or two when your regrets and resentment finally get to you and you finally realize that your own happiness should mean more to you than hers.

*cough* which is to say... uh... every girl is different, so it might not be the same... but judging by your description, she strongly resembles one of my ex's who was extremely co-dependant, didn't have many friends, and would make me feel guilty any time I wanted to do something without her.

I ended up resenting her for not letting me be who I am, and lost whatever feelings I had left for her because of this.

Based on these similarities, I'm inclined to scream, "Oh dear god, GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!!!" But that wouldn't be fair, because I really don't know you or this girl well enough to make such a judgement call.

So uh... figure it out for yourself. But when you do, don't lie to yourself and her by continuing to stay with her if your heart tells you to do otherwise.


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OfflineJROS14
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #3922129 - 03/15/05 07:44 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

this reminds me of how my gf was a few months back. it's really just a problem of low self esteem - she gets sad because you don't pay attention to her, despite her being ur GF!

what i did (and what might help you) is that when i talked to my gf about needing more space, i emphasized that i love her very much and she's the most important person in my life, so even if i dont spend an evening with her, it hardly means i don't like her or don't want to be with her.


--------------------
**GRoUP HUG**


Edited by JROS14 (03/15/05 07:45 PM)


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OfflineGillette
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: JROS14]
    #3922347 - 03/15/05 08:32 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

yeah seriously just be honest with her, tell her the truth, actually you could tell her exactly what you told us. I think it was well said and non-offensive, and this is coming from someone that tends to take things very sensitively. Just let her know you love her, and that you care about her and you want to be with her, and that you care about your relationship and this is why you are doing it. let us know how it turns out.


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~Earth is the Insane Asylum of the Universe~

A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.


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OfflineBlueFos
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Re: My girlfriend and I...what do i do??? [Re: tak]
    #3928198 - 03/16/05 11:52 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

This is exactly what im goin thru now the whole 15 months too. I hope things go good and look forward to seein what you end up doing


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