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Offlinedr0mni
My Own Messiah
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Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 2,921
Loc: USF Tampa, Fl
Last seen: 9 years, 5 months
fight with roomate
    #3894963 - 03/09/05 10:36 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

The other night my friend/roomate (Chris), my brother (Thad), and I were in our kitchen. Chris was washing out a cup with a sponge, sticking his hand in the glass. I hate having to do this, so I bought a dish brush.
"hey man, I got that brush so you don't have to do that." I said.
"Oh yeah, I forgot! Oh well, I'm just gonna do it like this." he replied.
"Yeah, but that is such a pain in the ass! Why don't you just use the brush?" I asked.
"Well because then I'd have to... (unimportant details)" he replied.
"But you don't really have to (blah blah blah) to clean a glass..." Thad says.
"Look can I just clean the glass how I want!" Chris said in an agitated voice.
"Fine man, but I just know that I hate sticking my hand inside glasses like that." I said.
"Well I'm not you, now can we just drop this!!" Even more agitated.
"Fine man, just chill the fuck out! Why are you getting pissed off?" Me and thad ask.
"Drop it!"
"Fine, chill out!"
"Drop it!!"
"Fine, chill out!!"
Drop it!!!"
"Dude, it's dropped, just chill the fuck out!"
**!!!SMASH!!!** Chris throws the glass at the floor and starts flipping out! My first instinct was to hit him, but I didn't because I knew this would not do any good.

At this point we all started yelling and screaming at each other. Me and my brother yelling that he needs to control his temper (a few weeks before he was drunk and punched a dent in our wall during a stupid argument over a feeder mouse), Chris yelling that we need to quit nitpicking everything he does. After a few seconds I just stormed up the stairs and yelled "Chris you need to chill the fuck out!!"

I sat in my room with my girlfriend for a few minutes listening to Thad tell Chris that if he doesn't start respecting our house that he's gonna get kicked out (he can't even afford food let alone rent any more expensive than the $300/month he's paying now). Chris said that we don't respect him, Thad said that we don't NEED to respect him because we own this fucking house and blah blah blah. This went on for a few minutes.

After a while Chris knocked on my door and I let him in. His eyes were red. We hugged and sat down on the floor. He was really hurt by his friend saying that we don't need to respect him. I told him that my brother says stuff without thinking about how it sounds before it comes out sometimes, but that he was right about him controlling his temper. I don't want to screw him over by kicking him out, but I don't want to let him keep flipping out and fucking shit up over dumb arguments.

I told him that when someone disrepects me I don't disrespect them back, but instead give them respect so that I am not in the wrong. This forces the other person to see the error in their ways instead of just being pissed at me. We hugged again and talked some more. He then went to his room.

I tried to talk to Thad, telling him that he took an approach in talking to Chris that made it harder to resolve the problem. Now all Chris could focus on was what Thad said about not having to respect him, instead of how he should act when he gets angry. I said that "...Jesus, Buddha, all of them, say that when someone wrongs you to turn the other cheek. Don't seek revenge. You tried to make him respect you out of fear of being kicked out. This never works..." At the mention of Jesus and Buddha he rolled his eyes and scoffed. "If this was some hippy, buddhist commune, he would've been kicked the fuck out for acting like that... I want him to have fear because next time he wants to act like that he might stop and think about where he's going to live..." This went on for a little longer. I told Thad that he needs to talk to Chris and straighten things out. He said he would when he saw him again, but that he was still pissed off.

Later that night I heard them both watching FRIENDS and laughing together. It seemed like everything was okay.

But I still feel like the heart of the issue wasn't resolved. I still feel like Chris needs help with his daily stress and his outbursts and that Thad needs to learn how to think before he speaks. They both need to learn how to deal with negative emotions, not just in situations like this, but in the rest of their lives too.

The next day I cut my foot on a peice of glass that chris missed while cleaning up. How symbolic of the way that our actions affect everyone in the future.

I'm proud of how I handled the situation though. I was able to forgive and let it slide. I tried to be the peacemaker; I don't know how well it worked, but at least I lived up to my philosophies which I am always preaching. But my heart races whenever I think of the situation, and I worry about it's implications in the future.

**....sigh....**

Peace and Love

Dr()mni


Edited by dr0mni (03/09/05 10:38 PM)


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OfflineJROS14
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Registered: 11/16/04
Posts: 74
Loc: SF, CA
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: fight with roomate [Re: dr0mni]
    #3895152 - 03/09/05 11:12 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

dude that's the dumbest fight ive ever heard of....

u shouldnt be so pushy about the brush though. if he declines dont keep pushin it.


--------------------
**GRoUP HUG**


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InvisibleJellric
altered statesman

Registered: 11/08/98
Posts: 2,261
Loc: non-local
Re: fight with roomate [Re: dr0mni]
    #3895194 - 03/09/05 11:21 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

When I was in high school I used to get in arguments with my Mom all the time. One day it occurred to me that instead of raising my voice to match hers I should speak softly and clearly. Then as she continued to speak loudly it made her look like the unreasonable one. It worked very well and had the effect of not only calming her down, but calming myself down. From that point on we could have a productive discussion. I have never had a heated argument with her since that day.

You definitly have the right idea, but we all slip up from time to time. Like after the glass breaking incident where you said, "I just stormed up the stairs and yelled "Chris you need to chill the fuck out!!". We can only bring about peace by being peaceful ourselves.

But you did pretty much everything right after that so I grade you an "A".  :thumbup:


--------------------
I AM what Willis was talkin' bout.


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OfflineTheShroomHermit
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Re: fight with roomate [Re: JROS14]
    #3895280 - 03/09/05 11:39 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Yeah, but most fights are over dumb shit anyways.

But you handled the aftermath well. The problem with a fight is everyone involved is trying to assert dominance. By trying to break up a fight, you are another person involved trying to assert dominance over another person. This is why people yell louder and louder, and finally get violent. They feel they are right, and refuse to be dominated. No one wants to loose a fight, but winning a fight is no good either... because it shows you are just even more of an asshole. Walking away was a good choice. By choosing to end the fight in a non-violent way, you've done alot more to resolve the situation than any other action.


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OfflineQuantumMeltdown
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Re: fight with roomate [Re: TheShroomHermit]
    #3895668 - 03/10/05 12:54 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

What is spiritual or philosophical about that post? Doesn't that belong in OTD or something??


--------------------
-QuantumMeltdown

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.
  -Mark Twain

"The time has come the walrus said, little oysters  hide their heads, my Twain of thought is loosely bound I guess its time to Mark this down, Be good and you will be lonesome
Be lonesome and you will be free
Live a lie and you will live to regret it
That's what livin' is to me
That's what livin' is to me"
Jimmy Buffett


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OfflinePedM
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Re: fight with roomate [Re: QuantumMeltdown]
    #3896083 - 03/10/05 02:13 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

It qualifies as a spiritual post because it addresses how we should conduct ourselves in times of conflict.

Anger happens when the mind is allowed to focus on a negative object for too long. Since it's so irrational for a suggestion about how to better wash the dishes to end in broken glass, it's safe to say that something much larger is weighing on your roomate's mind. People have short tempers because their mind is too familiar with negativity, and with focusing on negative objects. The negativity your roomate has brought to your home began in his mind, and still exists there, causing him pain. Understand this and have compassion for your roomate, and do what you can to help him move past the underlying causes of this problem so that he can have peace and bring peace to your home. If things continue to escalate, though, it might become necessary to remove him from the house so that the situation does not go out of control.

People don't like to hear about what Jesus or Buddha would do. Unless people are open and seeking that kind of presentation, they will not listen. Most often, it's best to be subtle lead by example. Most important of all, dr0mni, would be to have patience with your roomates and also with yourself, and to learn to regard yourself and your roomates as having this in common: all three of you wish to live together peacefully and securely, without strife. Always focus on what you have in common with others. People will pick up on that. It promotes harmony and discourages conflict.


--------------------


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Gyroscope full album available SoundCloud or MySpace


Edited by Ped (03/10/05 12:06 PM)


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OfflineZekebomb
sociophagus

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 1,164
Loc: BC province
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
Re: in which zekebomb cuts the cheese [Re: Ped]
    #3896349 - 03/10/05 03:43 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

..sticking his hand in the glass. I hate having to do this, so I bought a dish brush...

"Yeah, but that is such a pain in the ass! Why don't you just use the brush?" I asked....

"Fine man, but I just know that I hate sticking my hand inside glasses like that." I said.


my dad is like you in that way... he always wants everyone to be using the most efficient tool to do any task. once I was cutting cheese at my parents' place with an old cheesecutter, the kind made of a thin wire attached to a handle, and it was a bit slow-going but working fine. he said, "Wait stop, I just bought a new cheesecutter that works waay better than that crummy old one." he began rummaging in the drawers to find the new one, while I kept cutting the cheese (go ahead, chuckle now, get it out of your system). Then he said, "no no, stop using that one! it doesn't work!" I said "It clearly works, see look, I've already cut a bunch of slices!"
Dad: "but it's an inferior tool!" grabs the cheesecutter in my hands. I grip it tightly
Me: "but evidently it's working just fine! there's no reason to switch cheesecutters!"
Dad: "No, you have to use the new one!" struggling to remove the cheesecutter from my grasp

(must understand, the dialogue wasn't so well-thought-out and snappy in real life as it is here, from memory) right about now I released my clutch on the cutter, and he tossed it in the garbage. at points like these, I tend to stop arguing entirely, shut down and become moody and irritable. that's precisely what I did. He rummaged for another minute or something before he found the fancy-schmancy new cheesecutter, while I glowered. (PS: I didn't need to use it anyways because in my eagerness to prove the worth of the shabby old cheesecutter I'd cut waay too much cheese.)

..riiight, so anyways, all I'm saying is, insistence on some 'better' tool or method can easily lead to resistance unless it's done tactfully. and not dogmatically


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OfflineUnenlightenedOne
Two Spirited

Registered: 08/12/04
Posts: 612
Last seen: 11 years, 2 days
Re: fight with roomate [Re: dr0mni]
    #3896462 - 03/10/05 04:54 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

All paths lead to the same end goal.Does it really matter how your fellow beings acheive it as long as the goal is reached without doing harm?


--------------------
Do not desire to reach a high level.Rather work without thought of reward to iron out flaws and impurities in one's self for the sake of one's self.When one has done this one needs not to desire anymore. http://www.lifeforceonlinestore.com/yc/


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Offlineegghead1
Nakedly Open

Registered: 03/02/05
Posts: 931
Loc: The Womb of Love
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: fight with roomate [Re: dr0mni]
    #3896606 - 03/10/05 07:34 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Although it obvious that he needs to control his actions, the only actions that you can control are your own, remember everyone lives in there own dimension, not yours, if you can be aware of the limitations of others, then incidents like these do not occur.... :heart:


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All you need is Love! Really thats it! Infinite Unconditional Love! Just develop that and all else will fall into place perfectly!


Edited by egghead1 (03/10/05 07:45 AM)


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Offlinedr0mni
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Re: fight with roomate [Re: egghead1]
    #3896753 - 03/10/05 09:57 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

But the fight wasn't even about the brush, it was about me not "dropping it". Plus we all sort of jokingly point/counterpoint everything each other says. Sort of like logic/word games. They can be pretty annoying sometimes. But I seriously don't see why he thought I didn't drop it, I mean, all I was saying at the end was "chill out" and he just got more pissed off saying that I wasn't dropping it. The more pissed he got, the more I wanted to tell him to chill out. There were probably 20 or so of these "Drop it/chill out" back-and-forths. We still can't agree on who wasn't "dropping it".

It doesn't matter because it was dumb and it's over with. Everyone is cool now.

I do get that "use the most efficient method" from my mom! I always hated it how she had a "right" way to do everything! It's funny how I picked it up. I have a very mild form of OCD and have my own way I like things done. But I don't expect everyone to do it like I do; I was merely making a suggestion... I wasn't about to grab the sponge from his hand and force him to use the brush.

Ped said>>"Anger happens when the mind is allowed to focus on a negative object for too long. Since it's so irrational for a suggestion about how to better wash the dishes to end in broken glass, it's safe to say that something much larger is weighing on your roomate's mind. People have short tempers because their mind is too familiar with negativity, and with focusing on negative objects. The negativity your roomate has brought to your home began in his roomate's mind, and still exists there, causing him pain. Understand this and have compassion for your roomate, and do what you can to help him move past the underlying causes of this problem so that he can have peace and bring peace to your home."

You are absolutely right. I don't want to get into a personality description, but he lets stress get to him too much. I can't blame him though because he is in a financial shithole. I tried teaching him how to meditate once. He found it really hard because he is always thinking a lot, has sort of ADHD symptoms, and a lot of energy. But he was able to hit the spot for a split second and was like "Whoa! That was crazy! I felt like I was spinning...". But I don't think he has much interest in integrating the practice into his life. I really think he should, but... you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink...

Thanks guys, I appreciate all of your input. I guess I will try not to make everyone as "efficient" as I am, and will continue to try and live up to my beliefs.

Peace!


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: fight with roomate [Re: dr0mni]
    #3896796 - 03/10/05 10:15 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

buy a jar of mega b vitamine and chill the fuck out allayu


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Offlineegghead1
Nakedly Open

Registered: 03/02/05
Posts: 931
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Re: fight with roomate [Re: dr0mni]
    #3896934 - 03/10/05 11:10 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Silence is sometimes the best teacher and teaching. Maybe you wer'nt taking into consideration his feelings. The phrase 'Chill out' can be very irritating when stressed out.


Edited by egghead1 (03/10/05 12:49 PM)


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OfflineGomp
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Re: fight with roomate [Re: dr0mni]
    #3897438 - 03/10/05 01:49 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

"Fine man, just chill the fuck out! Why are you getting pissed off?" Me and thad ask.
"Drop it!"
"Fine, chill out!"
"Drop it!!"
"Fine, chill out!!"
Drop it!!!"




:rotfl:  hahaha :rotfl:

:heartpump:  Gotta love it..


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