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Offlinesykobish
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
I've been holding off posting this.
    #3843660 - 02/27/05 10:29 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I don't really feel like divulging much into the details of everything that's lead up to this but I'll give some insight as to what's going on.

Lately, I've been having some very difficult emotional problems that make it hard to cope with sober.  So, I've begun depending on pain killers to numb everything, to allow me to sleep at night, and to basically make everything easier to deal with.  This has been going on for about a week and a half.

I've been to my doctor and had some mental tests done and so far, there's nothing clinically wrong with me.  I've also been having some physical health problems and had to have my chest xrayed, my neck in a brace for a while and just physical pain all over, hence why I was prescribed the pain killers in the first place.  I've quit smoking because of these physical issues.

I'm starting to feel somewhat better emotionally but it seems like I'm still in that rut and anything that is even remotely negative and directed towards me, it effects me.  I've been angry for the past week and a half to the point I'm very close to fighting people for even walking too slow.  I feel like I'm losing control of myself, my actions and my emotions.

I know that taking these pain killers aren't making anything better but if I don't take them, then I find it much harder to even get out of bed in the morning.  I feel awful that I find the need to pump myself full of these things because I don't want to but I can't bear to endure the emotions that eat at me every day.  The pain killers don't do much to help, but I do notice a significant 'mellowness' in my overall attitude throughout the day.

I don't expect anything really from this post.  Just basically an outlet so I can get some of these feelings off my chest.  I have class tomorrow and I think that's the reason why I felt like posting this now.  I've wanted to for a while but held off for reasons I'm unsure of.  It's getting harder to be patient with people.  It's either I be extremely sad and emotional to the point I'm in tears in class (which has happened already) or I'm impatient with people and am always on edge and ready to grab the next person who pisses me off in any way.  Even if it's just that they look at me the wrong way.

I'm not at all a violent person so I guess that's why this concerns me.  I'm usually the person that you can come and talk to about your problems, or if you need something, anything at all, I would give it to you if I had it.  I snapped at a friends friend at lunch on Thursday in the caf and was so fed up with his bullshit stories that I said "I've gotta go cuz I can't stand the fucking bullshit that is piling up every second" and walked away.  I apologized to my friend the next day but before I got the chance to finish, he had showed up so I just walked away.

Anyway, thanks for listening.  I'm not looking for sympathy by no means.  I just needed to vent.  It's 1030pm and I should take another pain killer so I can get some sleep.  I can't seem to sleep these days either without them. :frown:


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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OfflineEarthAngel
Tripper

Registered: 01/23/05
Posts: 67
Loc: New Zealand
Last seen: 9 years, 1 month
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: sykobish]
    #3844264 - 02/27/05 11:47 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

If you are willing to try anything to help yourslef, please visit www.bodytalksystem.com
Bodytalk is in inavasive way of balancing physically , emotionally, mentally & spiritually.It sounds like this would be highly beneficial for you at this time. I beleive there is a few practionars in the Toronto area.
You will find it amazing, trust me :smile:
Love & Light.


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InvisibleSociety
Pizza Guy

Registered: 07/03/04
Posts: 13,939
Loc: Eating pizza
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: EarthAngel]
    #3845598 - 02/28/05 08:27 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

You sound like you're opiate depedent. I'd suggest taking a much smaller dose than usual and do this until the prescription runs out.

Or talk to some of the people here who have been addicted to opiates.


--------------------
Delicious Pizza


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Offlinecybrbeast
Up, then down, then...
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Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: sykobish]
    #3845624 - 02/28/05 08:56 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Maybe you are really depressed? Maybe try anti-depressants.
Personally low doses of Salvia every other (two) day works really well for me.


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Offlinethe_phoenix
Stranger

Registered: 07/07/04
Posts: 541
Loc: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Last seen: 9 years, 10 months
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: Society]
    #3845638 - 02/28/05 09:05 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

You already know much of the solution: you need to vent. Go in your room, close the door, make sure the house is empty. Be sober. Sit down for five minutes and don't think a single thought, just feel yourself melt into your body...but don't fall into the passive opiate state, focus intensely on your surroundings, focus your eyes on the walls and floor around you (be in the now). Let yourself sink into yourself, get in a state of total honesty with yourself. Then

.


.


.


.


.


.


.

:cuss:  :rockets:  :crazyeyes:  LET IT ALL OUT!!!!!!!  :bitch:  :badcomputer:  :jammingout:
.
.
.
.
:muppet:

Scream as loud as you can, flail your arms wildly and stomp on the floor, think of all those things that piss you off, shout all those things you want to say to the stupid people of this world, and continue until you can't anymore. Then fall back onto your bed.

A line of people (that you're waiting in) cannot innately be frustrating. It's your perception of it that can cause frustration.

Now get up again and express all that anger where it belongs: onto yourself! Because it's all you! It's you who chooses to make the problem worse with painkillers. It's you who chooses to repress things, making their eventual and inevitable release more and more painful. Fuck you.

:whack:

The feelings will never go away unless you let them ride their full course, unless they reach their true destination, which is ironically their true origin: you. You are in control of your emotions, but not when you're high on those god damn pain killers. Stop them right now, or as abruptly as you can without serious withdrawl. If you feel like you can't deal without them...why do you have to deal? You don't have to be on top of your emotions, so whenever sobriety becomes too much to handle, just let it all out. But make sure you know where to direct it.

Then in the real world, IRL, land of the sober, you have some work to do. Those things that cause you pain, you have to solve those situations. Sometimes it involves simply letting go of your attachement to them. Other times you can make amends and turn the situations into positive ones.

People say stupid things. Instead of letting it get to you, change your perspective. Look at it from a god perspective, because after all, you're in charge of you, you are god. :cool:

*gives you god props* (that all those mere mortals will perceive as simply regular props)

When they talk, analyze why they say the stupid, and often hurtful things they say. Try to understand the deep workings of their minds, instead of getting frustrated. Feel compassion towards them because I guarantee you this: if they don't act lovingly then, inside, they truly ARE NOT happy; they're hurting. Try to understand the deep workings of your own mind. Persue spirituality to this end, because it's the absolute best, and most natural, remedy for depression and every other ailement! Tis a wonder drug, that gives you a nice warm feeling inside, surely better than those opiates, as you feel the chi energy flow through your veins. :mushroom2:


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: EarthAngel]
    #3845951 - 02/28/05 11:33 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I will check that out. Thank you. I'm at school right now so when I get home, I'll do so.


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: Society]
    #3845984 - 02/28/05 11:45 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

SocietyRejects said:
You sound like you're opiate depedent. I'd suggest taking a much smaller dose than usual and do this until the prescription runs out.

Or talk to some of the people here who have been addicted to opiates.




I think I was becoming opiate dependent, but I can tell you now that I know for sure I'm not. I haven't had any since Thursday because I know I don't need them and I don't want it to become an issue since I already have enough issues already. I'm not going thru withdrawls and have no 'want' whatsoever for them. I think the only reason why I did them before was because I was upset at everything and I just wanted to 'teach the world a lesson' by hurting myself. Just like smoking.. I quit smoking a while ago, but while this was going on, I tried to 'teach the world a lesson' again by having one.. Which did nothing but disappointed myself even more.


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: cybrbeast]
    #3845987 - 02/28/05 11:46 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

cybrbeast said:
Maybe you are really depressed? Maybe try anti-depressants.
Personally low doses of Salvia every other (two) day works really well for me.




I've already been thru many tests with my doctor.. I'm not depressed, I'm not bipolar, there is nothing wrong with me mentally.


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
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Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: the_phoenix]
    #3846027 - 02/28/05 11:58 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I greatly appreciate your input. I think you are right in everything you refer to in your post.

If it's possible, and if you wouldn't mind, I would like to talk to you a bit outside of public view. To understand me better and why I get so emotionally involved, you have to realize that I am completely and utterly emotionally driven. I care too much about people and often let them walk all over me. I forgive to easily and I give way too many chances.

The main focus of my sadness at this point, is that I have an issue with this guy who is purposely trying to push my buttons and is doing so to such an extreme. I woke up to an email that was blaming me for abuse on a website, which he had told me he was going to be responsible for. He's fucked with some passwords online and is trying to get my account on another site closed because he doesn't like that I write about my feelings. He's trying to control me in every possible way. I'm finished with him and want him out of my life but every day, his premeditated malicious actions kick me further into my downward spiral.

I would rather not get too much into it in public. Sorry, I've lost my train of thought, which has been happening on a regular basis lately since so much is on my mind.


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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Invisibleadrug

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: sykobish]
    #3846368 - 02/28/05 01:39 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Now you know how it feels, eh. Hang in there.


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
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Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: adrug]
    #3846453 - 02/28/05 01:59 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I was never oblivious to how it felt. It's not the password changes that I care about, nor the words and the constant emails. It's the legal action and pressing charges is what's wearing me thin. I'm still recovering from my ex that tried to get me in very serious trouble, and now this asshole, who I've never even dated is taking the same course of action, just with different charges and to different extremes.


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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InvisibleDark_Star
dick butterfly
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 27,983
Loc: Under the Grecian fog
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: sykobish]
    #3854574 - 03/01/05 11:42 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I have had a myraid of emotional problems, depression, general anxiety, social anxiety, ect. I've been lost in my imagaination my whole life as well, have never understood society & probably never will. I've also been addicted to drugs, particularly opiates. Psychedelics and music are the only things that can bring me out this, but that's just me....I imagine that they can make it worse for some people. Try to stop taking pain-killers, you'll need to realize that they are merely an escape (although an incredible on), and that in the long run they'll make things a lot worse. You also need to know that in kicking them, you're in for some hell. Accept this, and stop using, go through the withdrawls and fight off cravings, as I said, this will be hell, but you can do it. The depression will continue, but keep the faith, nothing lasts and something will happen that'll make you happy again. If remain dependant however, the odds of getting out of the hole are slim to none, in all likelyhood you'll just spiral off deeper, and wind up dying young, lonely, and all around miserable. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me, i've been around the block several times with this kind of shit.


--------------------


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: Dark_Star]
    #3859593 - 03/02/05 10:20 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Thanks. I'd really like to talk. I haven't taken any pain killers for some time now.. almost a week.

I think my problem is that of late, I've just been hit with a barage of negative things, one after the other and before I even have a chance to 'mourn' and work thru one thing, I get hit with another thing.

I feel like I'm drowning in myself and I'm losing control. It's like I'm watching shit happen to me and can't do anything about it, as tho I'm a puppet and someone else is pulling on the strings. I had a breakdown years ago, back in 97 and it feels something like that and I'm afraid that if it continues, I'll have another one. I have no patience for anyone this past little while and I seem to turn on people in the blink of an eye if they say or do the wrong thing.

I've been talking to my doctor, setting up talk sessions and I'm hoping that will help me thru this. He mentioned going to a psychiatrist but I told him I'm not comfortable talking to someone like that, so he is having me talk to him instead.

Next time you're around, if you aren't busy, please msg me. I'd like to talk. Maybe that's all I need; someone to talk to.

I really appreciate it. Thanks again.


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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InvisibleDark_Star
dick butterfly
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 08/21/04
Posts: 27,983
Loc: Under the Grecian fog
Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: sykobish]
    #3859928 - 03/02/05 11:21 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean man, it's some tough shit to get through. Everything seems to hit you at once until your spirit is completely broken, and then shit still hits you. Just remember that these phases pass, things will get better. I'm glad to hear you've been opiate-free for a week....getting clean is the first step.  :goodluck: Cheak your pms.


--------------------


Edited by Dark_Star (03/02/05 11:27 PM)


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
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Re: I've been holding off posting this. [Re: Dark_Star]
    #3862335 - 03/03/05 02:29 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Thanks. :smile: I did and I greatly appreciate it.


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
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