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:: Harvard Chief: Women Good at Calculating, Dissecting
:: Putin Sells Effort to Halt Iran Nuke Production
:: Jimmy Carter Attack Sub Armed with Nerf Missiles
:: Dems Threaten to 'Tantrum' Bush Nominees
:: NHL to Settle Salary Dispute with Lawyer Fistfight
February 23, 2005 Bush to Boost Spending on GOP Spinal Research by Scott Ott
(2005-02-23) -- In an effort to strengthen Congressional Republicans' resolve to reduce non-defense spending by one percent, President George Bush today offered to increase federal funding for research aimed at "stiffening the spines of elected officials."
"Scientists tell me there may be a genetic defect which allows members of my party to campaign against government waste but then, once they're elected, to refuse to reduce spending or eliminate useless programs," said Mr. Bush. "The condition makes them look like they have no spine."
The president said this spinal deformity causes a gap between the brain's communication center and the motor neurons which lead to action.
"For the layman, you might call it a conflict between the talk and the walk," Mr. Bush said. "Although researchers tell me we're nowhere near a cure, I think the American people would be willing to invest in the hope that someday these politicians might be able to stand up, straighten their spines and achieve at least some minimal level of functionality." Link | Comment (154) | TrackBack (1) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 22, 2005 Terri Schiavo Diet Book Tops NYT Bestseller List by Scott Ott
(2005-02-22) -- With the Atkins diet fad waning, obese American women have embraced a new book, "The Terri Schiavo Diet: No Willpower Required," pushing it to the top of the New York Times bestseller list.
The book, penned by a ghostwriter for Mrs. Schiavo, promises "dramatic weight loss and life change without any need to personally make difficult decisions."
"For those women who have repeatedly failed to direct the course of their own lives, the Schiavo diet offers one last option," according to a publicist. "Millions of women have dreamed of a day when they could limit their caloric intake almost unconsciously."
Profits from the sale of the book will go to Mrs. Schiavo's husband, Michael, who along with several judges had a major role in helping his wife drastically reduce her food consumption.
"Women nationwide have embraced the Schiavo Diet's notion of putting their husbands in complete control," the unnamed publicist said. "It can really strengthen marriages...if not the current marriage, then certainly the next one." Link | Comment (125) | TrackBack (1) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H Harvard Chief Likens Women to Nazis, Saves Job by Scott Ott
(2005-02-22) -- In a last ditch effort to save his job, Harvard University President Larry Summers today compared female professors of math and science to Nazis, in a fashion reminiscent of Colorado Professor Ward Churchill's characterization of 9/11 victims.
"Female math and science professors form a technocratic corps at the very heart of America's global financial empire," Mr. Summers said, paraphrasing Mr. Churchill. "These little Eichmanns drive the mighty engine of profit to which the military dimension of U.S. policy has always been enslaved ? and they do so both willingly and knowingly."
The Harvard faculty greeted the statement with a standing ovation, after which the faculty senate voted down a motion demanding Mr. Summers' resignation.
"Harvard has always been a bastion of intellectual freedom," said one unnamed female science professor. "If Ward Churchill can enjoy the liberty to call stock brokers little Eichmanns, then we support Larry Summers right to do the same to us. After all, we teach the people who go on to make the bombs and to pay for them. We have an intrinsic aptitude to do so."
The faculty senate then approved a motion "condemning all female Harvard faculty members for their role in all of the illegal, immoral, imperialistic wars America has fought since 1945 when Harvard appointed its first female instructor in basic sciences." Link | Comment (51) | TrackBack (0) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 21, 2005 Ariel Sharon Schedules Peace Talks with Self by Scott Ott
(2005-02-21) -- After achieving another in a series of unilateral Israeli concessions to the Palestinian Authority, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon announced today that he would hold a peace summit with himself in the Egyptian resort town of Sharm El Sheik later this month.
Over the weekend, Mr. Sharon persuaded his cabinet to give final approval to an Israeli pullout from the Gaza strip and the military said it would release of 500 Palestinian prisoners today without receiving anything in return from Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas.
"I believe that I can extract even deeper concessions from myself in the heady atmosphere of a peace summit," said Mr. Sharon. "I'm sending my aides ahead to negotiate the groundwork and protocol for the talks. When I arrive, I will have several hours of one-on-one time with the Israeli prime minister, whom I now consider a partner in peace." Link | Comment (66) | TrackBack (0) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H Hunter Thompson Dies, CBS News Anchor Field Narrows by Scott Ott
(2005-02-21) -- With the announcement that columnist and so-called 'gonzo journalist' Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide over the weekend, the field of potential replacements for Dan Rather on the CBS Evening News has "narrowed significantly," according to one network source.
Mr. Thompson, whose stock-in-trade subjectivity and vigorous injection of personal opinion became the template for much of modern journalism, was author of several books including Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72 and A Generation of Swine. But he was perhaps best known to the elderly as the inspiration for the Doonesbury comic character, Duke.
"Hunter Thompson was a natural to inherit the big desk at CBS," said the unnamed network source. "Edgy, acerbic and not afraid to weave his political agenda into the story...many viewers would have simply thought that Dan Rather had ditched the toupee." Link | Comment (85) | TrackBack (1) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 20, 2005 With 'Open Arms' Bush Offers to Buy Europe, Russia by Scott Ott
(2005-02-20) -- In an effort to thaw international relations, U.S. President George Bush heads to Brussels today with "open arms" and "an attractive bid to buy Europe and Russia and bring them into the American portfolio of nations."
"Rather than view France, Germany and Russia as our contentious friends, we'd like to say they're part of the family," said Mr. Bush. "Call it a merger. Call it synergy. I just think we have so much opportunity in a shared future of unity, that it would be crazy not to do this deal."
Mr. Bush, who once owned a Major League Baseball franchise, added that "when I see untapped talent, under-used resources and rank mismanagement, I see an invitation engraved in gold."
He assured presidents Vladimir Putin, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schr?der that they would have significant roles in the new, expanded America, where they would report directly to Mr. Bush.
"Can you imagine what American ingenuity, and the fresh breeze of freedom could do with the beauty and natural resources of these great lands?" Mr. Bush asked rhetorically. "And think of the time we'll save not arguing about who rules the world."
In late trading, the value of European and Russian bonds rose 12 percent. Link | Comment (133) | TrackBack (1) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 19, 2005 Terri Schiavo Spared by 'Endangered' Designation by Scott Ott
(2005-02-19) -- The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (USFWS) has, at least temporarily, saved the life of Terri Schindler-Schiavo, the Florida woman whose former husband, Michael, had planned to disconnect her feeding tube on Tuesday.
The 11th-hour reprieve came in response to a plea from the Schindler family to have Terri classified as a silver rice rat (Oryzomys argentatus), considered an endangered species by the state of Florida and the USFWS.
"It was a longshot," said activist Randall Terry, who has recently come to the aid of the Schindler family in their efforts to save Terri from death by starvation. "But if we can prove that Terri is a silver rice rat, her life is protected by the state and the federal government."
Mr. Terry contacted the USFWS after learning that it is illegal to kill dozens of creatures in Florida, including the leatherback seaturtle, the marsh rabbit, the saltmarsh vole, the shortnose sturgeon, the Choctawhatchee beach mouse and the oval pigtoe (a mollusk).
"If we can apply to get Terri classified as a different endangered species each month, we can give her several more years of life," Mr. Terry said. "I know it sounds dehumanizing, but under our laws a rat has more of a right to life than this woman." Link | Comment (87) | TrackBack (2) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H Disgraced Anthropologist Drinks 40,000-Year-Old Milk by Scott Ott
(2005-02-19) -- A disgraced German anthropology professor, who pretended to use carbon dating to establish a link between Neanderthals and modern man, told reporters today that he regularly drinks 40,000-year-old milk and drives a Porsche Carrera made in 736 BC.
Frankfurt Professor Reiner Protsch von Zieten resigned this week from a 30-year career as one of the world's leading anthropologists, when a panel concluded his carbon dating of human bones was incorrect by thousands of years.
The inquiry found that one skull, which Mr. Protsch claimed came from a 27,400-year-old human fossil, was actually still attached to the living body of a departmental colleague.
"He's much older than he looks," said Mr. Protsch. "My data shows that he may be the missing link between Piltdown man and today's homo sapiens."
A spokesman for the Anthropology Professionals Exploration Society said, "the disclosure that one of our most-trusted anthropologists was a total fraud, and his carbon dating a cheap trick, does nothing to diminish the credibility of the profession or the scientific consensus that modern man descended, through mutation, from apes." Link | Comment (80) | TrackBack (2) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H Media Warned About Faux News Advocacy Pieces by Scott Ott
(2005-02-19) -- Just a day after the U.S. comptroller general warned the White House against distributing simulated newscasts that promote administration policies without clearly stating the source, major U.S. media outlets including the New York Times, CNN and CBS News have received a similar advisory.
"Americans have a right to know whether there is an agenda or any bias behind the news reports they read, hear or view," said a spokesman from the FCC. "Just as the White House shouldn't try to accomplish its public relations goals with unattributed faux newscasts, so the editors at the Washington Post and MSNBC cannot hide their political agendas behind a patina of journalistic credibility."
The new warning includes guidelines for flagging so called 'agenda-driven' news to make sources and motivation more transparent to news consumers.
Under the terms of the new protocol, the New York Times, Washington Post and L.A. Times, for example, may continue their traditional 'news' coverage, but all sections of the papers will now be labeled 'Op-Ed.'
Televised news operations, like CNN or CBS, will be in compliance if newscasters simply wink at the camera at least once every 20 seconds during agenda-driven stories. Link | Comment (51) | TrackBack (2) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 18, 2005 Harvard Chief: Women Good at Calculating, Dissecting by Scott Ott
(2005-02-18) -- In his ongoing campaign to squelch the controversy over his remarks about why few women rise to the top in the fields of math and science, Harvard President Lawrence Summers said today he now believes that women are as "calculating as any male mathematician."
Mr. Summers, who faces faculty calls for his resignation, said he was also wrong about the female aptitude for science.
"Clearly, my experience of the past several weeks has shown that women are genetically equipped to engage in careful scrutiny, dissection and identification of even slight deviations," he said. "Frankly, no further research is needed." Link | Comment (111) | TrackBack (2) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H Putin Sells Effort to Halt Iran Nuke Production by Scott Ott
(2005-02-18) -- Russian President Vladimir Putin today offered to step in as an "honest broker" and prevent Iran from manufacturing nuclear weapons, in the wake of the failure of diplomatic attempts by several European nations and pressure from the United States.
Mr. Putin said today that Iran "does not intend to build nuclear weapons" because "it is much cheaper to buy them from our Cold War Factory Outlet. We've slashed prices on hundreds of classic Soviet nuclear delivery systems, with a variety of warhead configurations. Iran can buy now, and make no payments until January 2006. This will discourage them from developing their own nuke factories."
Brushing off talk of a Nobel Peace Prize, the former KGB chief said, "This is not a tribute to my global statesmanship. Our government has long employed diplomatic partnerships like this to defuse international tensions." Link | Comment (54) | TrackBack (0) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 16, 2005 Jimmy Carter Attack Sub Armed with Nerf Missiles by Scott Ott
(2005-02-16) -- The U.S. Navy on Saturday will commission its newest nuclear-powered attack submarine, the Jimmy Carter, with many new features, including multiple-warhead Nerf missiles.
President Carter, who brought peace to the middle east, vigorously defended America's right to give away the Panama Canal and, in 1994, convinced North Korea to abandon talking about its nuclear weapons, said he's honored to have his name on "one of the most powerful peacemaking devices on earth."
Jimmy Carter is the first of the American Seahare-class subs, featuring a high-tech sonar system which alerts enemy forces to its presence and a safety device on the Nerf missiles which allows firing only after an enemy missile impact.
"This new generation of nuclear submarines is designed to use trust in our enemies as our first line of defense," said an unnamed Navy spokesman.
President Carter has invited leaders from North Korea and Iran to the commissioning ceremony, during which former First Lady Rosalyn Carter, in a time-honored Navy tradition, will give the first order to "man our ship, bring her to life then park her over there by the dock!" Link | Comment (265) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 15, 2005 Dems Threaten to 'Tantrum' Bush Nominees by Scott Ott
(2005-02-15) -- Faced with President Bush's renomination of 12 previously-blocked judicial nominees and a potential Republican rewrite of Senate rules to prohibit filibusters of judicial nominees, Democrats today warned the White House they would invoke the Senate "tantrum rule" to stymie the president's efforts.
The tantrum rule allows for vocal and physical expressions of displeasure, including, but not limited to, "whining, screaming, holding one's breath, fist pounding and flopping about on the carpet."
When a member of the minority party invokes the tantrum provision, the president of the Senate may either ignore the Senator on the floor, use the gavel to compel silence or order the sergeant-at-arms to drag the Senator by the wrist out of the chamber.
"We know it won't work," said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, "But it's all part of keeping our progressive vision for America before the voters." Link | Comment (107) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H NHL to Settle Salary Dispute with Lawyer Fistfight by Scott Ott
(2005-02-15) -- The National Hockey League, on the verge of canceling the season over a salary dispute with the player's union, announced that negotiations would end today with a "bare-knuckle fistfight between the lawyers."
Gary Bettman, the attorney who serves as NHL commissioner and Bob Goodenow, a lawyer and executive director of the player's union, will "throw down the gloves" at an arena yet to be named. Tickets for the event have already sold out.
If Mr. Bettman wins, the NHL imposes a salary cap at 55 percent of revenues. If Mr. Goodenow wins, the players receive a 24-percent pay cut, but avoid a revenue-based cap.
The winner of the fight will be determined by the league dentist, who, incidentally, is the NHL's highest paid employee.
No matter who wins, the NHL will continue to hone its marketing strategy "to entertain fewer fans at higher ticket prices until owning an NHL franchise becomes America's best way to reduce taxable income and keep your name out of the papers." Link | Comment (66) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 14, 2005 Election Leaves Iraq in 'Quagmire of Compromise' by Scott Ott
(2005-02-14) -- Results of the recent democratic elections in Iraq show that voters failed to fill the power vacuum created when Saddam Hussein's Baathist regime was overthrown, and instead elected a national assembly "destined to be a quagmire of compromise."
"How can this government achieve anything without a dominant political party backed by a fiercely loyal military?" said an unnamed Iraq expert at a non-partisan American think tank, "I'm afraid you're going to hear nothing but talk and concessions from this assembly."
Neither the Shiites, nor the Kurds, nor Prime Minister Ayad Allawi's party garnered enough votes to unilaterally achieve their goals. As a result each party must reach out to the others to form a national unity government or to achieve concensus on issues of contention.
"It doesn't bode well for those accustomed to the decisive action that was the hallmark of Saddam's government," said the American expert. "This is another major failure of the Bush administration's foreign policy."
After the election results announcement, the popular disappointment was palpable, at least among correspondents in the hotel lounges where international journalists spend most of their days.
"I've already contacted my editor and asked for a new assignment," said one American reporter. "This is going to be like covering Congress. Where's the fun in that?" Link | Comment (148) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 13, 2005 Chavez Secretly Creating Venezuelan Utopia by Scott Ott
(2005-02-13) -- With little international fanfare, Venezuela's popular President Hugo Chavez is quietly overseeing creation of a utopian society similar to Fidel Castro's Cuba, according to experts at several U.S. universities.
"Venezuela, an oil-rich land of 25 million citizens, has suffered for years under the vagaries of democracy and capitalism," said an unnamed professor at the University of Colorado (C.U.), "but Mr. Chavez has ushered in a new golden age of Venezuelan glory by... -- unifying the judiciary, -- reducing annoying dissent, -- encouraging poor people to move onto land owned by rich people and grow crops, -- replenishing the nation's supply of peacekeeping AK-47s and Russian military helicopters, and -- replacing the old national anthem with a re-written John Denver song, "Almost Heaven, Venezuela."
The economy is expected to boom in the coming years, the expert added, as investors pour their resources into a nation committed to the common good of all of its citizens, and to stability and uniformity at the highest levels of government.
"When you look at the success of Castro's Cuba, you get an idea of what's possible if Chavez follows the same time-tested success principles," the C.U. professor said. "Venezuela will become a model of a new progressive vision for human societies worldwide."
In August 2004, Mr. Chavez received a ringing endorsement from the Venezuelan people during a recall election, when only 42 percent of the voters called for his immediate ouster. Link | Comment (105) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 12, 2005 Kim Jong-Il Threatens to Nuke North Koreans by Scott Ott
(2005-02-12) -- Just days after North Korea boasted it possesses nuclear weapons, the communist dictatorship's revered leader, Kim Jong-Il, today announced that unless the United States meets his demands he would turn his own country into a "lake of fire" using those weapons.
The demands include a non-aggression treaty with the United States, an end to economic sanctions and a massive influx of tobacco, alcohol and DVDs of newly-released Hollywood movies.
"The blood of 23 million hostages will be on George W. Bush's hands," said Mr. Kim. "As a respected member of the United Nations, the DPRK calls on its fellow U.N. members to pressure the U.S. to save these hostages from nuclear annihilation."
U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan said, "the Security Council will seriously consider the DPRK's grievances and vote soon on a resolution condemning U.S. saber rattling." Link | Comment (184) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 11, 2005 Eason Jordan Quits, Bloggers Mull Next Target by Scott Ott
(2005-02-11) -- Even as embattled CNN chief news executive Eason Jordan announced his 'resignation' tonight, the ad hoc consortium of unedited writers known as the blogosphere met online to discuss which journalist should be the next to fall.
Still riding high from its role in the 'memogate' firings at CBS and the demise of two editors at the New York Times, the blogosphere took less than two weeks to turn rumors from Davos, Switzerland, into a pink slip for the 23-year veteran of CNN.
In a brief statement just after the networks' Friday evening newscasts, Mr. Jordan condemned the "targeting of journalists by bloggers."
However, some bloggers contend they have not gone far enough in their attacks on the mainstream media.
"So far, we've just weighted [sic] for some one [sic] to say or do something stupid before we ride them [sic] like a coal car into the ground," wrote one unnamed blogger. "But now it's time to get proactive. We're going to pick the next soon-to-be-former journalist and then force him into some career-ending vortex of deception and denial."
When asked about the threat, Mr. Jordan simply shook his head and muttered, "Hubris. Hubris." Link | Comment (99) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H Howard Dean Expounds Vision for America by Scott Ott
(2005-02-11) -- The presumptive chairman of the Democrat National Committee, Howard Dean, today laid out his vision for America's future under Democrat leadership.
Seeking to quell accusations that the DNC stands for little more than self-perpetuation and the denigration of President George Bush, Mr. Dean summarized his vision in one word: "protection."
He released the following outline that details what he called "a majestic, sweeping vision touching almost every area of life and governance."
"The DNC, under Howard Dean's leadership, envisions a future of... -- protecting misguided burglars from gun-toting homeowners. -- protecting the Social Security system by declaring an end to "the crisis" and reducing news reports about the instability of the system. -- protecting teenagers from the humiliation caused by parental notification when they want abortions. -- protecting homosexual Americans from their multiple-partner lifestyle by allowing them to marry...in other words, protecting the sanctity of homosexual marriage. -- protecting illegal aliens who are suspected terrorists from government intrusion in their lives, and from the inconvenience of incarceration or deportation -- protecting the unemployed by repealing the Bush tax cuts so that lawyers who get wealthy from class-action lawsuits can pay more taxes to support people who lose their jobs when their companies go bankrupt because of the high cost of insurance and litigation. -- protecting the people of Iraq from the risks of democracy and capitalism by pulling American troops out now so that their great nation won't become a lousy mess like America. -- protecting citizens of other countries by making sure American troops receive fair trials before the international criminal court at the Hague."
Link | Comment (79) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H Senate Curbs Class Actions, Lawyers Shop New Senate by Scott Ott
(2005-02-11) -- A spokesman for the Association of Trial Lawyers of America (ATLA) said it would seek a legislative 'change of venue' after the U.S. Senate approved a bill effectively limiting the size of class-action lawsuits.
The House is expected to follow suit next week, forcing the trial lawyers to shop the issue internationally.
"We're looking for a more favorable legislative body," said the unnamed ATLA source. "The U.S. Congress isn't the only law-making entity in the world. European and African legislatures have become quite competitive. We'll take our business elsewhere."
Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Federal Judges Association urged the trial lawyers to bring the issue to a federal court.
"We would hate to see this business outsourced," said an FJA spokesman. "We believe the world's finest legislators wear black robes right here in the USA, and our rulings are comparable with anything you'll find in Europe." Link | Comment (68) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H Stem Cell Law to Cripple State's Embryo Industry by Scott Ott
(2005-02-11) -- Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney's proposal to ban the manufacture of human embryos for use in medical research could "cause the state to miss out on the coming boom in the embryo-making industry," according to state Senate President Robert E. Travaglini.
The governor wants to make it illegal to create human embryos only to destroy them in hopes of finding treatments for "grown-up embryos," even though his wife has multiple sclerosis, one of many diseases which researchers say can be cured by faith in embryonic stem cells alone.
But Mr. Travaglini, a Democrat, accused Mr. Romney of "negative thinking."
"Rather than focus on all the little embryos who will die in the process, the governor should think about all the former embryos who will be employed in this burgeoning business," he said. "We should be offering tax breaks to embryo entrepreneurs to locate here. This is more than a matter of life and death, it's a matter of economic development and potential tax revenues." Link | Comment (36) | Email Story | Buy Book | Top Buy "Axis of Weasels," the first book by Scott Ott. $12.95 + S&H February 10, 2005 U.N. 'Pre-bukes' U.S. Over North Korean Nukes by Scott Ott
(2005-02-10) -- The United Nations Security Council, in the wake of North Korea's admission that it has nuclear weapons, has passed a resolution "pre-buking" the Bush administration for whatever action it might take against the communist dictatorship.
"When we learned of nuclear weapons in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK), we immediately feared a U.S. response," said Secretary-General Kofi Annan. "By pre-buking the U.S., the Security Council demonstrates solidarity with the future victims of the American military occupation."
Meanwhile, Democrats in Congress have introduced a resolution condemning President George Bush in advance for "misleading us into conflict with North Korea simply because it's a nuclear-equipped Stalinist regime which has threatened to turn America into a lake of fire."
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