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Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,399
Loc: In the jungle
    #3746900 - 02/07/05 07:52 PM (14 years, 11 days ago)

Ever since I heard that my friend Bonnie passed away last week, I've been on somewhat a self-destructive course.  I know that everyone grieves in their own way...but my way appears to be putting myself in total isolation, hiding behind a computer screen, smoking my brains out and slacking off on college.  I have 6 chapters of math homework and a paper to write before tomorrow, and I haven't even gotten started on it. 

I guess I've been depressed since she died and have been ignoring it by using copious amounts of weed.  I don't care about college or anything for that matter at the moment.  I've been doing tons of writing, which is like my only comfort.  My friends have been great (love you guys) but I haven't been sociable.  I just want to be left alone, to write, to get high and to sleep.  That's been my behavior for the past few days.  I've been in total comsumption mode...I just want to devour everything and not give anything back, like a black hole.  If there was any alcohol in the fridge (luckily there's not) I probably would have consumed that too. 

I mean...I know I should just 'get over' her death...but...I didn't even go to the funeral on Saturday.  I don't really regret it.  I didn't want my last memory of her to be in a casket. 

I feel like I can't find my bearings after this.  My internal compass is going crazy.  I simply don't care about college.  I feel listless.  I don't want to deal with anything.  I want to surround myself in my own, private smoky bubble and phase out of the world.  I guess I'm just still feeling confused about death.  Or maybe her death.  I don't know. 

Is this normal?  Shouldn't I be able to get the fuck over it and live life like I was?  I've been crying off and on now the past few days.  I feel like I can't shake off this empty, listless, uncaring feeling.  :crazy:

So anyway.  That was my bitch-fest.  Thanks for listening at least.

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mndfrayze'speppet urme
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Registered: 07/14/03
Posts: 5,498
Loc: oz
Re: Bitch-fest [Re: MOTH]
    #3746952 - 02/07/05 08:00 PM (14 years, 11 days ago)

to our great friend ellemy...

I would lay off of the weed for a little bit.  I think many of us know how you feel, and it's ok man! :hug:

yeah get over it, but do it on your own time.  there's no need to rush, at the same time though, don't hurt yourself or make your life even more difficult because of it.

depression is a disease of the ego, I used to be the same way constantly.  you don't want to do anything, but take that first step, and then after you've done that, take your second step.  you don't have to take hug leaps either, small steps are good too.

it's only been a week man, the memory will be there for much much longer. but if you let the depression last THAT long, then you're only gonna hurt you more. 

you might want to talk to your professors about your friend to see if you can get some sympathy points :wink:.

do your best ellemy...you know you can do it :laugh:

though I don't want to say it, log off the shroomery

Annnnnnd I had a light saber and my friend was there and I said "you look like an indian" and he said "you look like satan" and he found a stick and a rock and he named the rock ooga booga and he named the stick Stick and we both thought that was pretty funny. We got eaten alive by mosquitos but didn't notice til the next day. I stepped on some glass while wading in the swamp and cut my foot open, didn't bother me til the next day either....yeah it was a good time, ended the night by buying some liquor for minors and drinking nips and going to he diner and eating chicken fingers, and then I went home and went to bed.---senior doobie

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Registered: 01/29/04
Posts: 267
Loc: NE
Last seen: 3 months, 2 days
Re: Bitch-fest [Re: MOTH]
    #3746964 - 02/07/05 08:05 PM (14 years, 11 days ago)

I am sorry to hear about your friend i really am i know what your going through...like you said everyone grieves in there own way. In time thingswill get better try to sorround yourself with the people you love and dont think of your last memorey of her as in a casket think of the special times you had that she would want you to remember.. think what she would have wanted for you... In time things will get better but...


haha jk you have every right in the world right now to do what u want..just dont do something you will regret  :frown:

Take care...  :sun:

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 User Gallery
Registered: 05/22/02
Posts: 2,511
Re: Bitch-fest [Re: kaiowas]
    #3746971 - 02/07/05 08:06 PM (14 years, 11 days ago)

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. :frown: I can relate in almost every regard. If you need any help with your math homework (assuming its not calc 3 or beyond) feel free to PM me. If one of my good friends died, I think I would end up withdrawing from school for a semester, as I don't feel I could handle it. I hope things get better soon. Also, stopping smoking may help, it tends to exacerbate depression in my experience.


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the ghost with the most

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 10/29/04
Posts: 2,253
Loc: 6' under pushin up shroom...
Last seen: 2 months, 24 days
Re: Bitch-fest [Re: MOTH]
    #3746985 - 02/07/05 08:10 PM (14 years, 11 days ago)

At times like these I find myself wishing I had a way with words like some famous author so that I might convey to you some inspirational message that would help you along your troubled way. Unfortunately this isn't so. I really don't know what to say. It pains me to hear that you are going through such a rough time right now.

I haven't known you very long but I have always thought of you as a very strong person. I have absolute confidence that you will get through this. I imagine that it's just going to take some time before things get "back to normal". And, things doubtfully will ever get completely "back to normal". I imagine this experience will forever change you in some small way similarly to the way I've been changed by the passing of ones that were close to me. Just know that we have confidence in your ability to fight through this tough time and know that in the end you will be a stronger, better person for it.

Here's wishing you much love and peace of mind. :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:

Your friend,


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Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 4,441
Re: Bitch-fest [Re: kaiowas]
    #3746986 - 02/07/05 08:10 PM (14 years, 11 days ago)

i agree with kaiowas...as much as we love to comfort you, log off the shroomery and talk to somebody. anyone will do..a mutual friend, a parent...just about everyone loses someone close to them at some point, i know i have. i'm honestly kinda surprised you didn't go to the funeral..as much as those suck, it really helped bring some closure and reality to me when my good friend died. but since that's in the past, theres no point dwelling on it...
instead of avoiding your feelings through getting high, isolating yourself, i suggest you embrace your pain. cry harder than you ever have before, for as long as your tear ducts produce tears. throw pillows around your room, scream..do whatever it takes. i can tell you the pain will not go away quickly, but healthy grieving is the first step..the longer you prolong it, the longer you will be in a haze, that semi-lucid feeling where you can't quite comprehend how real death is. suffering is as much a part of life as joy...don't be afraid to express it and ask for solace from someone close to you.
i'm sorry you are going through this :hug: it's not easy, but perhaps you'll find strength you never knew you had

you know we all love you :heart: good luck and best wishes

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Registered: 08/13/99
Posts: 5,789
Last seen: 5 years, 7 months
Re: Bitch-fest [Re: Hendostan]
    #3747089 - 02/07/05 08:37 PM (14 years, 11 days ago)

just doing an activity will get your mind moving along to other subjects

a walk, exercise, play with a dog....time heals. so many times i have said this...but when its your hurt it kinda feels like hollow words...but its true.... <3

that pain in the center of your chest cavity will slowly go away, come back a little ...then one day all the sudden you realize you havent thought about it for a while....and same with the stomach ache..nawing away at your good vibes....i didnt mention talking to irl person cuz well for me i dont do that well.....so maybe its not your thing if it is then well by all means talk to irl friend...for me nature and physical movement seem to the "words" that make things ok.

but yeah do something different for a change....watch a cloud....hike till your legs are tired...scream at the trees.....sometimes i scream at brick walls and punch them...never been hit back yet :smile:

Edited by oDin (02/07/05 08:58 PM)

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Load Universeinto Cannon. Aimat Brain. Fire.
Registered: 12/13/02
Posts: 2,321
Re: Bitch-fest [Re: MOTH]
    #3747122 - 02/07/05 08:46 PM (14 years, 11 days ago)

I think you are still in shock. I went through a period like this after my father passed away. I just wanted to be alone, I became self-absorbed when dealing others, I hated people giving me their condolences. I even lashed out at my mother for days even though she was the only way I made it through the weeks afterwards. This happened on my winter break from college, and I had two weeks to grieve before I moved back into the dorms and got into the grind again. I feel that it really helped me cope; I didn't just sit around in grief and despair: I still had those emotions consuming me, but my mind had something to focus on and get me through this horrible period. It feels wrong for me to say this, but I'm thankful that he passed away over my break and not during the semester, because I would have cracked and had to drop out for the semester, putting me a year behind schedule (the way my major courses are lined up).

My recommendation for you would be to at least attempt your homework and get your mind settled a little. If you just can't do it, then I'm sure your professors will understand. It's a perfectly valid reason and I'm sure they've lost someone before and know exactly how you're feeling.

On a side note, marijuana has been scientifically shown to act on parts of the brain that supress anxiety-provoking memories, so it's reasonable that you want to get high all the time and put her death behind you. I feel that marijuana can help in this respect, but eventually you will have to confront it sober and to truly come to terms with it. If you feel that you really need to smoke, then by all means smoke; it's a form of self-medication. But if you can do without it, I think it will help the healing process.

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Picktish TexasStyle....

Registered: 12/20/04
Posts: 8,243
Loc: was born down in the sout...
Re: Bitch-fest [Re: oDin]
    #3747161 - 02/07/05 08:54 PM (14 years, 11 days ago)

You allways say the right things...

Come to Paw Paws place there will be no sleeping tonight

Eric just wants to catch reds ..
Don?t look back, don?t look back
He?s right on your trail
Don?t look back, don?t look back
He?s just a step away from hell

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I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 38,901
Re: Bitch-fest [Re: oDin]
    #3747173 - 02/07/05 08:57 PM (14 years, 11 days ago)

Indeed, very nice post oDin.

It even helped me and I'm 7 months post-death of a sibling.

Well, Thank You.

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