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First off, I apologize to anyone who might be offended by my calling insanity a luxury. I am not trying to make light of mental illnesses.
There's a person, a woman, who always finds her way into my mind. After she's there, she runs circles, torturing me and turning me to a mass of fucked up emotion. I hate her, I love her, I hate her because I can't hate her. Whatever the emotion, love or hate, it is never simple.
I spent a good part of my life with this woman. She was my lover and best friend, but it all fell apart. When it did, I found myself dealing with a side of love I never knew I had inside of me. I was overcome by jealousy and bitterness. The things I said to her were no longer totally honest. I wanted to tell her how I felt and leave it at that. Instead, I discovered a defensive and insecure side of myself that constantly tried to convince her (and me) that I didn't care.
We tried to end our relationship on good terms, so maybe we could find each other in the future and remember the things that kept us together for so long, but it didn't work that way. I couldn't leave it alone. I questioned her feelings for me until I made her and myself sick. Eventually, she began to take on a defensive position with me as well, blaming me for the problems that split us up and telling me that she no longer cared.
As time passed, the situation still had not become any easier. In fact, now things were more explosive than ever. I said some of the nastiest things I had ever said to anyone as a sick way of proving to myself that she still cared. In my mind, if I could make her cry, I was winning because I knew there were still feelings there. I never realized that her feelings put her in a position to be hurt in the first place. I took advantage of every opportunity to get under her skin, when I should have been trying to prove to her that I would always be on her side.
As I type this, I am reminded of all those things I did to hurt her, and of the fact that when we are faced with each other these days, it is anything but comfortable. I still care a lot about her, sometimes I believe I always will, but I just don't know how to get this across to her with all that has happened. Our lives bring us into contact with one another and I am left trying to say anything besides what I feel..."I really love you".
I wonder if she ever remembers who I am outside of the problems we've faced. I wonder if she notices that behind the brick wall masquerade, I just want to cry. I wonder if the good times were all she ever forgot.
Love is something that should never be manipulated or taken for granted. I wish I would have known this all along...