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(2005-01-17) -- A groundbreaking 3,000-word report commissioned by United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan revealed today that the epidemic of global poverty could be eradicated "practically overnight" if wealthy nations would simply give large amounts of cash to the U.N.'s anti-poverty efforts.
"This research shows that the root cause of poverty is the absence of money," said Mr. Annan. "Our experts tell us that if we give enough cash to poor people, then they become middle-income people. Naturally, the cash we give them should come from countries that now have too much cash."
Mr. Annan immediately proposed a plan to distribute cash to poor people, with the United Nations serving as middleman and retaining "only the usual processing fee of no more than 65 percent."
President Bush, when asked about the news by a White House reporter, said, "Which part of that are you calling 'news'?"
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