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Registered: 12/02/04
Posts: 874
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Life strikes.
    #3591604 - 01/07/05 01:18 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Well, First a quick primer of the past.

around a yearago: I was selling pot, then i got big, moved out.. started slangin all sorts of stuff, and then came the blow. Freedom, tons of money, and tons of powder.. Within a couple months i was counting thousands of dollars daily, staying up 3 days at a time, and snorting a couple grams a day - after that it was rock cause my nose was sealed shut... Moving on - everynite i write in my journal *this is the worst nite of my life* *caught up/overcome* *spiraling out of control, im going to die.* - Anyways, i went to a music festival, when i got back my door was open, my drugs and my vault were gone. Id just been reading some krishna literature about renouncing materialism.. i was ok with that. Addicted, no money, no drugs. Had to leave..

So, i went travelling... moved to the city, experienced a new side of life. Literally everyone i knew who were once friends, were now addicts, and everyone of the important people played me deep. it hurt, i had no one... and in the city - i had no one - but i wasnt doing blow..


So i got my own place, living with a couple friends - one old, one new - Working a shit job, but living it up... just being clean, and feeling great because i surpassed all the shit my friends are caught up in. Glad im gone..

All of a sudden i do someone a favor and there's a ton of mdma around - lonesomeness gets the best of me, and 1 pill turns into 7... on a fairly regular basis. Just sillyness - the journal entries start again... and eventually i run out. Probably ate 6g in 2/3 months.

One nite i go out and check my garage - my 4000 dollars in bike are gone.

HOLY SHIT. ruin my life...

So i go for holidays back home and am exposed a whole new world i never new existed. Hometown without coke - good people, good clean fun, awesome connection with the parents, Ended up getting with my best friend finally and we should have always been going out.. I feel human again.

So i get back - and my apartments been broken into - My entire cd collection is gone.

*its ok. Materialism is bad. Its a fresh start.*

But what else can i tell myself... It hurts so bad. I cried. Everything important to me has been taken from me, friends, special drugs with memories attached, bikes, music... safety..

So i came home with confidence to be more productive in the city - but now im more stuck - loathing. I havent left the computer in about 10 hours.. downloading music.. what a waste of a day. I dont even want to move.

Ah well, i feel my childhood depressive and isolative tendencies setting in.

For the better good - im thinking i should return home, and live cheaply with my new girlfriend and our other friend for cheap, get a job at a call centre, save money for travelling (im going in late may-till september probably), get my drivers liscense, and just hang out with my few good friends who arnt coke heads, and avoid that part of the scene.

(thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I couldnt fathom snorting a line... a rock still brings alerts in my head tho. Sick)

Ive been saved from addiction it feels - and im hardly anything but spending too much money in the city. Maybe it would be best for me to bail on my big noble plan, and head home...

Feels like a sell out.

but once im done travelling, and once she's done school we're comminb ack here anyways... it'd only be 6 months back home, and it feel slike life is different there now.

Dont know what im asking - just venting i guess...

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Yeah, I've donefour already...

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 1,458
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Life strikes. [Re: headset]
    #3591904 - 01/07/05 02:12 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

You can look at a situation in both a good and bad way.  Imagine the shit didn't hit the fan, and you were still dealing drugs.  I say your lucky you got out when you did.  People are busted all the time, you could be sitting in a 8' x 8' concrete cell right now.  Even worse, when dealing with drugs like coke, deals go bad - You could be 6 feet under.

Instead, you have been given an opportunity to get back on track.  Forget about drugs, by all means, stay away from that part of your life.  Is doesn't seem like it has brought you any happiness.  Do what you want to set out to do, go back home with your girlfriend, and meet up with those long time buddies of yours.  There isn't much better then hanging out with people you love.  Friends, family, lovers = happiness (IMO).  I don't think I would move back if I was you, too many bad memories that might resurface.  You have ditch that part of your life for good.

Good luck brother.  Life has rolled you snake eyes my friend, and now you have to get back onto that path.  I don't have those "golden" words that some people seem to have, words that put everything into perspective, and I don't know if my words have been helpful, but I wish you the best of luck :heart:


The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye.            - Hendrix :bow:

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Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Re: Life strikes. [Re: headset]
    #3592013 - 01/07/05 02:52 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

I realize that this opinion will probably not be very popular on a site like this, but stay away from drugs and people who do them. On this site weed and shrooms are seen as mellow drugs that don't cause any problems, and I agree that they cause MUCH fewer problems than coke, crack, heroin, meth, etc.. However, in my opinion they still do cause problems. For example, I know smokers who routinely pinch their "friend's" weed stashes.

It is fun to party, be around people, and meet new people. Unfortunately, when you start to party...drugs are usually involved. When drugs are involved, whether you are a user or a dealer, some people will rip you off. They will blatantly come in and steal from you. These same people that you partied with and had fun with will stab you in the back. It is depressing and devastating when it happens because you are a nice person who is trying to be nice to other people. It hurts to have a person betray you like that...but it will happen if you are in the party scene.

A good example of what happens to drug users is a guy I went to high school with. He started smoking pot. Then he tripped some. Then he found cocaine. That was eight years ago. He always liked coke WAY too much and has wasted thousands and thousands of dollars on it. He has been fired from every job he has ever had. There were times when he lay on the floor because his heart felt like it was going to explode(cocaine overdose). I heard that he has moved onto crack and is now hitting the pipe with his girlfriend. They both have darkened front teeth from smoking that garbage. He is a really nice guy...one of the most likeable guys I have ever met. But, I don't need to be around people like him...and neither do you.

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Registered: 07/07/04
Posts: 541
Loc: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Last seen: 11 years, 5 months
Re: Life strikes. [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #3594045 - 01/07/05 04:37 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Wow, that's quite a story. I'm sorry all that shit happened to you. :frown: Sounds like you've had a really....well, *full* life. You've experienced so much, so many facets of the world. Of course there are many more, as you must see on your travels, but you've still experienced more than most people.

It seems you're not sure what direction to go in. But I have some good news for you: there *IS* a solution! :smile: I know because I'm travelling the correct path, which happens to be the only one that, generally speaking, is universal. What I'm going to tell you isn't subjective life experience but rather a truth I've discovered that's perfectly applicable to *you*.

Life is trying to tell you something. You've experienced first-hand the disillusionment of materialism. You've changed environments often, and sometimes it made life better...for a while, at least. This searching is fine, but the real answer lies in soul searching.

It isn't about changing environments, or acquiring/losing material possessions. Happiness can never be discovered amidst this world, no matter its vastness. True joy arises internally, and is *always* with you, regardless of your environment. Family, money, a good job, nice scenery, drugs, fun activities?all these things are nice, but in essence they are but trivialities. Who you are is not contingent on these things. Your existence is primary, and its context secondary.

The world can be a wonderful place. It can also be a horrible place. It's a constant flux in which you can never hope to find stability. True foundation can only be found from within. The spiritual path is about finding this foundation, it's about realizing the part of you that's one with "God", realizing that God exists not out there but strictly inside you.

As you walk the path of enlightenment, life improves. Period. Regardless of its exterior, material condition. The joy of being is a constant in your life, but sometimes its existence is obscured by your ego. Sometimes it's difficult to realize its existence. Love is fundamental and fear conventional. At the heart of things there is only wellness.

It's not about creation. You can't create your well being. Rather, you must discover it. You must realize it already exists innately within you. Anything created, anything conventional, is impermanent. A life based around or built on conventional grounds can never ever be stable. Life won't get better overnight; the journey is a very long one. But know this: the further you walk the path of enlightenment, the easier and more enjoyable it gets! :heart: :mushroom2: :thumbup: :cheers:

Feel free to PM or e-mail me if you want to talk more about this. :smile:

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Registered: 02/18/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Communist China
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
Re: Life strikes. [Re: the_phoenix]
    #3594599 - 01/07/05 06:34 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Ya know, all I have to say is that the worst moments in my life when something really terrible happened and I thought everything was gone to shit. .... . looking back on it, I can see how it was a turning point, and how it was something that had to happen for a reason that I didn't understand at the time, but now I do. This might not be a very comforting statement now, but in the future you might look back on these things happening and see the connections. But yeah getting stuff stolen does suck. Sorry man.  :sad:

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Registered: 12/02/04
Posts: 874
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Life strikes. [Re: headset]
    #3596156 - 01/08/05 12:43 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Ah, i guess that was just touching base - and never really articulated what i wanted aswell - just painted the frame work for my situation...

Anyways, the real issue is me -

Before i was a dealer, i was a depressed kid and a drug geek - id gone pretty far with mushrooms and a variety of others and depersonalization disorder came out. I pretty much isolated myself and hung out online at places like this, and read lots - the kid everyone came to for weird psychedelic advice, and to talk about life - it was my only passion. When i started dealing i always had to be somewhere... I wasnt much of a partier, but i was always asked and sometimes dragged out - usually id be sitting in the corner selling bags or cutting lines or rolling blunts - or going on a rant about existance. It kind of built up a persona for me after i was in a state of nothingness. Then doing lots of coke, and supplying lots of built up a big ego.. thats the nature of the drug, right?

Anyways, Now im in the big city - and i just sit here. RIGHT HERE. hard to get me to move - kinda like i was from 14-17. I love getting caught up in my forums, and reading my books... understanding alot more. But what else do i do? I feel pressure from co-workers and roommates to go out... even to have a communal household and such - and im just meh. My mind ticks talking about metaphysics, or quantum mechanics, or psychedelic researchers, or tripping, or experimental compounds, or philosophy, or god concept, or entheoanthropology, or mycology, or clandestine chemistry... but it just doesnt tick going for drinks *i dont drink* or being slutty. - There must be more to young people's live's... but i dont know where it is. I dont know people like me, accept for here; digitally.

So - i feel pressure'd into being social because of societies standards - I can actually play the part now, but i dont want to. I thrive on being the outsider - except for these latent *outside* emotions of feeling like i have to seek acceptance. Usually in a social situation if im not the centre of attention doing my own thing (concert, or psychedelic house party with friends) Im sitting in the corner, wanting to crawl in a hole and die, or reading... or just adventuring on my own.

So that leave's alot of time to think. - Ive been quite far now with ALOT of psychedelics, regular entity contact, and some what messed up beliefs ala John C lilly and Terrence Mckenna (formulated from my own experiences;not theirs) I find myself muddled in intuitive confusion. I send off vibes, and receive vibe's... altho they could be misleading. Often when i have an instinct and dont obey it - i perceive a consequence. I dont know if there actually is a consequence, or if im looking for symbolism in everything.

My belief's are quite far out there - based on expereince - sometime's i feel too based on what there is that im not seeing or feeling - or even if im not aware of the experience i am having subconsciously - and i place more importance on the subconscious experience than the HUMAN experience. I know this is a twisted contraindiction - and that i should be the best that i can be - but it feels like im trying to figure out who i can be at this point. It feels like im always trying to catch up to who i want to be. I never am. I just sit and think, and wonder. Its like building a spiritual discipline - i know i need one, but where do i start - my mom says i should go to india and be a buddhist, and id thought of it before she mentioned it... but ive got these idea's that meditation and discipline wont take me the place's that the plants do -- and so ii feel dissatisfied with the idea of devoting myself the god through such an alley - it feels like i need a catered process in which to worship and exist within - so need to form my own. I appreciate the tree's when i walk, and do appreciate my time here... but going past that, is hard. (going back to the small town i wont even be able to do yoga) - anyways, all this feels like its comming - but it always does, and then it never comes. I crave discipline but there's none around me. i crave humanity - but there's none around me. Or... im just looking in the wrong places.

When someone comes in my store - a dirty little voice comes from deep within - placing judgement on them... With somepeople you *know*, and others you speculate - but all are unfair judgements anyways - free to live their life their way, even if you see they could benefit from waking up, or living differntly - it doesnt matter. You can and do live differently and thats what matters. Why pick on them.? I ask myself, why pick on them... My conscious nags on my sub conscious all day for picking people to pieces. I feel like a jerk and that for placing judgement im a worse person - but i dont know how to stop it. Its comming deep from within - its not a little layer of social conditioning - it feels innate - and that is disgusting. Ever lowering the self value. - this may be part of the Coke ego lingering...

Coke definatley changed me - will i change back? In how much time. Where should i be focusing my energies at present?

When i was doing Blow - it grounded me in the here and now, and hold on for dear life - not a very good mindset of psychedelics, and they were more trivial and uninsightful - the idea of eating them alone was terrifying - Now...its back to normal - but with more emphasis. All these ideas im living with in, and constructs that im open to - just make furthur sense, and open more doors to millions of unending questions - eager to ask one by one. I feel like i get more from my experiences now.. and ive been quoted as saying "experience is my god" - but really - is tripping my spirituality? No - its not - i have strong spiritual experience's in everyday life... i just dont channel it - its just kind of there and i try and make sense..

Im sure i can write out more page's... and i probably will... but this is more what i meant ot type up yesterday.

I think i will go home. and focus on being in love (she's been my best friend for years, and we're inseperable and magikal!), focus on friendship, healthy social habits, and being based in a healthy reality rather than one i loathe. Coke isnt a problem anymore... The biggest problem is cutting off my ever so meaningful hair *symbolic!*...

And stepping on my pride.

For the greater good?

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Registered: 12/02/04
Posts: 874
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Life strikes. [Re: headset]
    #3601162 - 01/09/05 01:23 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Yeah im definately staying where im at. And im glad, I think my girl be movin' down. Things are funny - my head's a trap.

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Criminal DrugAnalyst

Registered: 11/13/04
Posts: 1,690
Re: Life strikes. [Re: headset]
    #3609980 - 01/10/05 10:56 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

lock your door


Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women, man

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Registered: 12/02/04
Posts: 874
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Life strikes. [Re: SoopaX]
    #3610203 - 01/10/05 11:52 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

It was kicked in. twice.

I went swimming tonite - after eating acid, and i feel great. More positive than in a long time. Endorphins are great.

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