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OfflineJon
Registered: 06/28/03
Posts: 961
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
my poem
    #3567051 - 01/01/05 01:22 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

The rice blessed by the lies of life float closer to me
Save me from the sin of bread before people stone me
White shadows pouring over the stone in focus
Where am I what is this hocus pocus?
THe trees are bleeding waving their branches in dismay
Where will I sleep, there are needles in the hay?
The mirror reflecting remained in fragments
The sky always falling, the air stagnant
Half a bottle of bliss and I still hiss where hollands hope is
Branded into my brain, I gamble with rain, my hope is where the rope is.


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Invisiblewandrnshaman
old hand
Registered: 09/21/03
Posts: 1,196
Loc: Pinellas Co, FL
Re: my poem [Re: Jon]
    #3567554 - 01/01/05 05:23 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

I like that, very nice imagery to go with the smooth flow of words. You should write regularly.


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
Female User Gallery

Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
Loc: Crawling on the floor...
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: my poem [Re: wandrnshaman]
    #3577106 - 01/04/05 12:13 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

not to shabby, i agree with shaman


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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OfflineBrAiN
Art Fag
 User Gallery
Registered: 03/01/01
Posts: 6,870
Loc: Chocolate City
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
Re: my poem [Re: Jon]
    #3577118 - 01/04/05 12:15 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

milk milk lemonade round the corner fudge is made...


or



carnation milk is the best in the land
here i sit with a can in my hand
no tits to pull no hay to pitch
just poke a hole in the son of a bitch


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InvisibleSimisu
taken by gravity
 User Gallery

Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 5,310
Loc: Israeli in
Re: my poem [Re: BrAiN]
    #3582855 - 01/05/05 05:01 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

nice poem!

i don't really mind but why not make this line "Where will I sleep, there are needles in the hay?" like this "Where will I sleep, are there needles in the hay?" insted?

no biggie though

and yeah i agree... lots of great imagery and flow (though a little on the dark side)


--------------------
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OfflineJon
Registered: 06/28/03
Posts: 961
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
Re: my poem [Re: Simisu]
    #3586239 - 01/05/05 10:59 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

thanks all, glad you like it and there will be more to come


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